Falling in Love Again (28 page)

And hidden in the kitchen, so he couldn’t clamour for it until after lunch, was her Easter egg for little Josh. She couldn’t wait to hug him again! In fact, she was amazed Hayley was coming. ‘Might as well,’ she’d muttered when Karen had rung to make sure. I’ve got something to tell you.’ But then her mobile went dead and when Karen tried to ring her back, it had an unavailable tone.

Now the doorbell was going! First, Doris, with her stoop, but determined walk and face that said, ‘This should be interesting’ as she made her way straight to the table.

‘Want a drink first?’ Karen asked.

‘Rather have my food, love, if you don’t mind. This is almost tea-time for me. I have my lunch at 12, not 1.30.’

Paul, who’d brought her over, sounded surprisingly conciliatory. ‘Mum, we’ve been through this before. You know I couldn’t get here any earlier.’

Then Adam. Adam who still didn’t want to look at her. ‘I’m sorry, love,’ she said, trying to draw him to one side in the hall. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Hayley. I just . . .’

‘Forget it, Mum. Let’s just get this over with.’

And then Hayley. Hayley looking pale and thin but lovely with little chubby Josh in his pushchair who demanded to be let out as soon as he saw her.

‘Nan!’ he called out, racing to her.

Oh heavens, it smelt good to hold her grandson; breathe him in; know that whatever else had happened in this family of hers, they had Josh.

And now they were all squeezed round the table, and the chicken was actually quite good, although she couldn’t taste it. She was just looking at Paul, eating hungrily but talking animatedly to Adam in between mouthfuls, and wondering if she should tell them and if so, when.

‘That was lovely,’ said Paul after they’d polished off the chocolate pudding which had always been his favourite. ‘But now I think we need to talk, don’t you?’

There was a silence apart from Doris who was sucking her front teeth as she’d always done ever since Karen had known her. ‘You kids need to get it straight between you.’

Adam made a dismissive noise. ‘There’s nothing to get straight. She had an . . .’

‘Adam!’ Karen stood up. ‘Let’s put on a DVD for Josh, shall we?’

Quickly, she took him in the front room returning just in time to hear Hayley. ‘It wasn’t like that. You don’t understand.’

Right. Deep breath. Do it. Just do it.

‘Actually, there’s something I need to say that might help you all understand.’

Her eyes met Paul’s and he nodded.

‘Your father and I . . .’

That felt weird.

‘Your father and I, Adam, have both decided that you need to know something. Something we weren’t ever going to tell you, or you Doris. I’m sorry if it comes as a bit of a shock but there you are.’

Another silence. Doris looked slightly smug. She thought, Karen suddenly realised, they were going to come clean about still being married. Not this.

‘I had an abortion too.’

‘What?’ Adam was staring at her. ‘When?’

Dear God. The look on his face made her realise, too late, that she should have kept quiet.

‘When you were twelve.’ To her relief, Paul cut in. ‘Your mother got pregnant – we’d been trying for years after you – and we just assumed it was too late and . . .’

He faltered. Karen felt almost sorry for him. Now she had to help
him
out. Looking around the table of shocked faces, she took over. ‘There was a problem.’ She swallowed hard, holding the blue stone in her pocket for support. ‘We were told the baby was damaged. Handicapped. Possibly because of my age. They couldn’t tell us how bad it was – tests weren’t so advanced then. And your father didn’t want it.’

Paul shook his head. ‘We couldn’t have coped.’ He looked round pleadingly as though for reassurance. ‘We were settled then. With a nice house. A holiday every year in Spain. We were happy, the three of us.’ His eyes fell on Karen and he looked away. ‘A disabled child would have put paid to all that.’

The disgust on Adam’s face made her want to retch. ‘But Mum –
you
didn’t think that way did you?’

‘No.’ She clutched the tablecloth, thinking of the jigsaw woman with the disabled daughter, who had unsettled her so much. ‘But I was scared. Scared of what it would do to us all if your dad . . . if your dad couldn’t cope. So I allowed him to talk me into an abortion. And I’ve regretted it ever since, every day of my life. That’s why our marriage ended. Because I couldn’t bear him to be near me any more after that. Just as I couldn’t bear to be near myself.’

She was crying now and Hayley was holding her hand. Even Doris’s eyes looked sympathetic instead of accusing. ‘You said it was because he had another woman, love.’

‘That came a few months later.’

‘So what are you saying?’ Adam’s eyes were steely. ‘That just because you had an abortion, it’s all right for my wife to get rid of our kid because she couldn’t cope?’

‘No . . . maybe . . . actually . . .’

‘STOP.’ Hayley’s voice was clear. Shaky but clear. ‘It wasn’t like that. I didn’t want to tell anyone what happened but I’ve got to now. Doris made me see that.’

‘You’ve been talking to my grandmother?’

‘And why not, Adam?’ Doris’s eyes were glittering. ‘You didn’t think I was going to let you mess up like your parents, did you? Let her have her say, boy.’

‘Remember that night you had to go away for that sales conference and I was going to the manager’s leaving party?’

Adam nodded.

‘I let him walk me home after the leaving party. It was dark. Icy. And he was going my way. Besides, I’d had a bit to drink.’

Karen could hardly breathe. No. Please no.

‘It was over before I knew it.’ Hayley wasn’t crying now. She was looking at them each one in turn as though willing them to criticise her. ‘I wasn’t even certain it had happened. I tried to say no but like I said, I’d had a lot to drink. Too much.’

Adam leaped up. ‘I’ll kill the bastard.’

Paul held onto him. ‘She was drunk, son. It wouldn’t stand up in court.’

‘So you see!’ Hayley was rising up from the table now. ‘When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t go through with it.’

‘But how did you know it was his?’ Adam’s eyes were distraught. ‘It might have been mine.’

Hayley nodded. ‘I know but I couldn’t take that risk.’

Karen couldn’t help it. ‘But that man, love. That man I saw you having dinner with. Was that him?’

Another nod. ‘He wanted to see me. To say sorry.’

‘Find out, more like, if you were going to report him.’

‘He gave you the money, didn’t he?’ Adam looked like he wanted to be sick.

‘Well I couldn’t ask you, could I?’

This was terrible! Far worse than anything she could have imagined.

‘OK, everyone. Sit down, Hayley. Please. And you too, Adam. We’re going to talk this through like a family. Like we do in the . . .’

He paused, looking at Hayley.

‘It’s OK. I know. Doris told me.’

A smile flickered across Paul’s mouth. It made Karen feel slightly better. ‘Honestly, Mum. You get everywhere don’t you? Like I said. We’re going to talk this through like a family, like we do in prison. I’m a Listener. Know that? It’s like a counsellor except that we’re also prisoners, helping others talk through their problems. Doesn’t mean I can solve everything but I can help, a bit like your mum’s helping other people get through divorces. Funny, isn’t it?’

Their eyes met across the table and she felt that same strange feeling again. What was it?

‘So we’re going to thrash this one out.’ Paul looked at his watch and she realised with a start that it was the same one she’d bought him, all those years ago before Adam had even been born. ‘How long has Thomas the Tank Engine got to go? Another thirty minutes by my reckoning. We can make a start. Don’t you think? And by the way, I’m afraid I’ve got another confession to make to you two kids.’

He reached out for Karen’s hand. His warm touch felt disturbingly reassuring. ‘Come on love. It’s about time we told them. Don’t you think?’

37

ED

Just one week to go, the lawyers had told him at the last meeting. One week until he had – according to the papers his father had signed – to hand over twenty per cent of the shares in Smith and Dad.

He would have liked to confide his worries in September (he had a feeling she’d have understood) but then that insane Lizzie had put the dampers on it. What had given her the right to masquerade as his girlfriend? She wasn’t even his type!

And now September was doing everything she could not to talk to him. Sure he got the odd ‘Good Morning’ in a cool, distant way, when he greeted her in the mornings. But that was it. She always had her mobile switched off when he tried it and he hadn’t had so much as an acknowledgement of the note he’d left under her computer the other day.

Still, now he was going to meet up with Claire again and who knew what might happen?! The very sound of her name made him tingle. His first love! The first woman he had ever really fallen in love with, if you didn’t count his mother or nanny. (That was a joke, he reminded himself.) The first girl he had . . . well, you know. Of course, they’d only been kids. When he thought of their fumblings on the other side of the school wall, in the bushes, he felt embarrassed. His technique had come on in leaps and bounds since then. Literally.

But it hadn’t mattered at the time because they’d both been as inexperienced as each other. In fact, it had been amazing. More amazing than anything after that, with their soft kisses and the way they had lain on the grass afterwards, just looking at each other.

‘You’re beautiful,’ he had breathed, drinking in her naked breasts in the moonlight. ‘You know, I’d never find anyone else like you again. Never.’

She had laughed then. A soft almost sad laugh. ‘I think you will, Ed. But it’s nice of you to say so.’

In some ways it was true. He hadn’t really found anyone else like her, apart from September who reminded him in many ways of an older Claire – or the Claire he imagined in his head. The same soft, teasing laugh. The same ethereal beauty. The same ability to read him even though he tried to keep that private side hidden.

And now he was here, sitting in a restaurant, waiting for her to turn up! Claire, that was, he reminded himself. Not September.

‘Mr Smith?’

The waiter was hovering next to him.

She’d cancelled. She’d rung to say she wasn’t coming. Or maybe late . . .

‘I just wanted to say that your guest has arrived.’

Thank you, God. Thank you!

‘Can you tell her I’m here.’

The waiter was still hovering. ‘I thought that you might like to meet her.  Considering . . .’

His words drained away. Just like Ed felt his blood draining away. There was Claire.  And he had been right. At first glance, she
hadn’t
changed. She was just as beautiful as ever with that porcelain skin and that fine, auburn hair and that lovely, soft smile with the teasing play to its edge. She was, as far as he could see, still slim and wearing a lovely green skirt which matched the colour of her eyes.

Exactly the same.

Except that she was older.

And in a wheelchair.

‘Ed!’

She reached up from the chair clasping his hands. ‘Sorry I’m late.’

He tried to speak but the words wouldn’t come out.

‘I didn’t want to tell you.’ She looked down at her legs which were twisted at a funny angle. Only then did he notice her left hand which was still lying on her lap, also at a funny angle. ‘People get the wrong idea sometimes. And I didn’t want you to do that.’

He still tried to talk.

‘Can I sit here?’

She started to push the wheels at the side of her chair to the place opposite but immediately the waiter appeared again with two others, almost fighting to help.

‘Well for heaven’s sake, say something Ed. It’s MS. Not leprosy. I’m not catching!’

‘I’m sorry.’

It came out as a squeak.

‘Well don’t be. I can’t bear sympathy.’

‘When did it start . . .’

‘About five years after us.’ She shrugged. ‘I won’t bore you with the details. I just want to explain why I tried to contact you.’

‘Are you married?’

She laughed. ‘Same old Ed.  Straight to the point. I was, as a matter of fact, but he couldn’t handle things when it got bad. It’s quite common.’

She was sitting at the table now. Anyone else would think she was just a ‘normal’ person. No, that wasn’t right. Healthy. No that didn’t seem right either.

‘And you? Are you married?’

‘No.’

She looked at him slyly from underneath her gorgeous lashes. ‘But you have been, haven’t you, Ed. Three times if I got my facts right.’

So she’d been checking him out!

‘That’s right!’ She always had been able to read his thoughts. ‘Which is more than you’ve been able to do. Those private investigators of yours aren’t much cop, if you don’t mind me saying so!’

What?

‘Seriously Ed, I’ve got something to tell you.’

She was looking at him directly now, those green eyes sucking him in just as they had done in the moonlight all those years ago.

‘Remember that night?’

He nodded. There were more than one if he remembered correctly.

‘I know there were more than one but I’m talking about the first time. The one where we didn’t mean to . . . you know.’

Oh he remembered all right. Could still feel his skin on hers; his mouth on hers . . .

‘I got pregnant.’

Pregnant. Pregnant. She couldn’t have done. He’d have known.

‘I didn’t tell you, although my parents wanted to kill you. I was seventeen, Ed. Seventeen! Still in the lower sixth. So they contacted your father.’

Dad?

‘He didn’t want to tell you in case you insisted on marrying me. Spoiling your future was how he put it, I believe. So my parents and your dad came to an arrangement.’

It was all making sense now . . .

‘My son – our son – would inherit twenty per cent of the business when he got to twenty-one.’

Dear God! Did that mean that tall, rather good looking, confident prick of a youth was . . .

‘Your son!’ She smiled. The same wonderful smile and the same soft Scottish accent – just like the lanky youth’s! – that had melted his heart and a great deal more, all those years ago. ‘That’s right. But don’t worry. Giles and I don’t want it.’

Don’t want it?

‘We don’t want your money. We just wanted to know how you would react, that’s all.’

React?

‘Stop acting like an idiot, Ed. Please. I thought more of you than that. Giles and I are doing fine on our own. We have our own business actually. Designing handbags. But I have to say that I was curious. I wanted to know if you’d do the decent thing.’

‘How could I?’ He could hear his voice at last. ‘I didn’t know that that kid was my son! If I had, I’d have . . .’

‘Done what exactly?’ Her green eyes grew serious. Probing. ‘I’m not sure that you know what you’d have done, Ed. But I do know that enough is enough. Your business is safe. All I wanted was for you to meet Giles. See if you can make some kind of relationship with him.’

She looked as though she was trying to turn. Immediately, a waiter was at her side, virtually drooling. ‘May I get you something, madam?’

She smiled; clearly used to such attention and not because she was in a chair.

‘Thank you. Would you mind telling my son that he can come in now?’

He must have been nuts not to have twigged before. As he looked at the tall, gangly youth with the strong nose (his) and green eyes (Claire’s), Ed realised he was a combination of them both.

He’d read about this sort of thing happening, of course, in
GQ
and the other magazines he sometimes picked up. Kids turning up out of the blue, eighteen years on from the sperm donor clinic. Women claiming that their children were the offspring of  some poor bloke who couldn’t even remember buying them a drink let alone anything else.

But there was no mistaking Giles. He was clearly a Smith. Why hadn’t Dad told him? All that stuff about not wanting to ruin his youth. He could have married Claire and they’d have brought up their son and . . .

‘I’m sorry if this has come as a bit of a shock.’ Giles’s polite voice came at him as though through water. The boy – man? – was shaking his hand as though they were at an interview. ‘I hope Mum has said we don’t really want anything. I felt terrible about the last time we met.’

Was this a wind-up? Didn’t a kid whose mother had brought him up single-handed want to get angry with the bloke who had impregnated her and messed up her future.

‘I’m the one who ought to be apologising.’

He looked at the boy. Christ, he was like the old man too with that nose. ‘If I had known – if my father had told me – it might have been different.’

Claire made a funny little sound which instantly catapulted him back through the years. It was the way she had giggled and then stifled it so no one would see them in the bushes. ‘Come on Ed,’ she said in that hypnotic, silky voice which made people at the next table turn as though they thought she might be someone famous. Come to think of it, she did look a bit like a young Jane Asher. ‘What would you have done, exactly? Marry me? Brought up Giles and played happy families?’

Yes, yes, yes!

‘I don’t think so.’ Her eyes sparkled without a hint of criticism as she tucked into her salad with her right hand. The left one lay cruelly twisted on her lap. ‘We were both too young. You’d have left us within a year.’

‘I might not have done,’ he faltered. ‘If I’d had a son – if I’d known I had a son – I’d have honoured my obligations.’

Giles’s brows knitted, the way Ed’s father’s used to. ‘That’s why Mum didn’t tell you earlier. We didn’t want to be seen as obligations. In fact, Mum and I have managed fine. Has she told you about her business?’

‘She mentioned something about handbags . . .’

‘We are doing very well, actually.’ Giles sat back in the chair, no longer smiling. Christ, he’d really blown it with the obligations bit, hadn’t he. ‘So we don’t want anything practical from you. In fact, I don’t think after what you’ve just said that we want any emotion either.’

‘Don’t go!’

Ed found himself leaping to his feet, holding onto Giles’s black t-shirt.

‘Get off!’

‘Boys, please!’ Claire looked mildly amused. Pleased even.

‘The last thing I want is you two arguing over me.’

‘Arguing? Arguing over a woman? Now why does that sound familiar?’

They all looked up. Bloody hell! Ed’s first thought was that September could be Claire’s sister with those auburn locks. His second was what the hell was she doing here.

‘Garth said I could find you here.’

She spoke smoothly, facing a spot just above his head as though someone was forcing her to talk but wasn’t able to make her look in his eyes. ‘He’s been texting you but you didn’t answer. Some kind of problem back at the office that you’ve got to get back to.’

Her eyes swept over Claire and Giles. ‘So sorry to have spoilt your lunch.’

‘Not at all!’ Claire held out her hand to September. ‘It’s lovely to meet you. I’m Claire, by the way, and this is Giles.’ She looked at him challengingly. ‘Our son.’

‘Son?’ September repeated the word as though it was burning her mouth. ‘Son?  That’s another thing you failed to mention, isn’t it Ed? In fact, if memory doesn’t fail me, I believe you said you were desperate for a family. Looks like you had one after all. I’ll leave you to it.’