Falling From Grace (69 page)

I nodded my head, allowing him to pull me back against his chest, and listened as his thoughts flowed through my mind.

I wanted to let you know that I was very wrong to have been jealous of Graham.
 
I admit that when I saw the two of you this evening, seeing how you were holding each other, and enjoying each other’s company, I felt very angry, very jealous.
 
But I also heard the words that he said to you, and I realized that I was foolish.
 
Far, far more foolish than any human person could ever imagine, for allowing my inability to contain my emotions to dictate how you live your life.

It is especially wrong of me to have done so when I know what will happen when I do receive my call.
 
You will have to endure me constantly leaving you for reasons I won’t be able to explain-

“You won’t have to explain them to me, Robert.
 
My God, I watched you die in my arms.
 
There is nothing else in my world
—
or yours
—
that could ever make me feel as alone and helpless as I did then.
 
I think I can deal with you leaving to do what you were meant to do if I know you’ll be coming back to me.”
 
I turned in his arms to look at him.
 

There was a stubborn set in his jaw, but he also had a smile that quite possibly melted every single bone in my body, including the ones that he had healed.
 
Grace, what kind of a normal life is this?
 
What seventeen-year-old has a boyfriend who keeps leaving for reasons he cannot explain?

I twisted my body around so that I was fully facing him, and took his face into my hands.
 
“
This
seventeen-year-old has a boyfriend who will be leaving to do what he was born to do, and I will be waiting for him when he gets back.
 
Robert, I know I kept saying that I want a normal life, but what I think what I failed to communicate to you is that I have it.
 
Normal is having friends, and falling in love with someone who loves you back.
 
I have that.
 
I have
more
than that.
 
I have
you
.
 
If you don’t want me, if you don’t want me in your life, then you are going to have to say it, otherwise I’m stuck with you for the rest of my life.”

Robert leaned in and placed his hands on my face, mirroring my hands on his.
 
Not want you in my life?
 
You are the reason I exist!

With our faces just inches apart, there was no hiding our emotions.
 
We could see it in each other’s eyes, see it in the tug of our smiles.
 
He pulled my face closer, while raising his.
 
I let go of him and closed my eyes as he gently kissed my eyelids, one after the other.
 
I felt his cheek press against my forehead, and heard him sigh, felt his breath blow across my skin.

You do not know how unbelievably decadent this is.
 
I can feel the blood beneath your lids, feel your eyes move beneath them.

He brought his face down level with mine again and brushed my nose with his.
 
With a soft exhalation, he kissed the tip of my nose, and then brushed his nose against my cheek.
 
Everywhere he nudged with his nose, he kissed.
 
Once, twice, even three times, each time sighing, as though it was his first kiss.
 
Of course, I sighed, too.
 
It wasn’t like the first time.
 
There was so much…more.
 
There was just more.

When he reached my lips, he just tickled the corner of my mouth, and then very lightly brushed it with his lips.
 
It wasn’t dissimilar to all of the kisses we has previously shared in its manner, but there was something lurking behind it, something that I could sense that caused a shiver to run up my spine.
 
I inhaled his heavenly scent as he exhaled slowly before leaning in and carefully molding his lips to mine.

I had known exquisite joy before in Robert’s kisses.
 
I had felt the electricity and the fire that ran through my body, under my skin, out through my limbs with each one of his kisses, each one of his embraces.
 
But this time…this time it felt as though my bones had melted away, and the white heat of my core had replaced them with pure, molten fire.
 
As always, I had a difficult time breathing, but this time I knew that if he stopped, I wouldn’t even be able to restart until he kissed me again.

I tried to raise my hands to tangle in his hair, wanting to bring him closer, be closer
—
the need to have him be engulfed in the need within me so strong I knew I was going to suffocate in it if I didn’t let it have its way
—
but they were being held firmly in place.
 
I moaned my distress as Robert pulled away from me, a strange look covering his face.

This is dangerous.

I knew it was.
 
We were both breathless, and I was willing to allow him to rip my arms out if it meant he’d kiss me again.

Grace, I’m being serious here.
 
I-I don’t know how to handle myself—these feelings are too new.
 
They’re my own and I don’t know what to do; I never thought I’d be able to feel so much, feel so intensely.
 
Your feelings are mixed with them too, and its combination is—it’s just so strong.

“You’re strong.
 
I think I’m fairly adequate for a human.
 
Let’s be strong together,” I panted, and leaned up to kiss his chin.

He laughed quietly, but pulled away.
 
Grace, please.
 
Allow me some time to get used to this.
 
I promise it won’t be like the last time I needed to get used to my emotions.

Knowing that there really wasn’t anything that I could do to change his mind, I sighed and relaxed; my heart was still racing and my breathing still ragged, heady with the knowledge that I was affecting him the same way that he was affecting me, the same way that he had always affected me.

I’m far more affected than you could possibly know.

He leaned back and pulled me with him, resting my head on his chest.
 
I placed my hand over the spot where his heart was; I was overcome with a deep sadness as I realized the sacrifice that he had made just to live.
 
He placed one hand on my head, the other captured the one on his chest, and he took a deep breath, his exhale perfumed and warm against my ear.
 
I won’t miss it.
 
Your voice is the only sound I need to hear to know that I’m alive.

***

We went back to school the following Monday two different people.
 
While before, we’d walk side by side but not touching, or we’d sit in classes together, our bodies facing forward but our faces turned towards each other; now Robert enjoyed holding my hand as we walked together, his body would be turned towards mine, and mine to his in class.
 
His chaste kisses on my forehead remained, but they no longer felt that way.
 
It didn’t matter that he had yet to kiss me on the lips again after that Halloween night.
 
I had faced losing him forever.
 
A few days or weeks wasn’t going to make that much of a difference anymore.

And that Monday held for me something that I had been desperately wanting.
 
Robert and Graham somehow came to an understanding about their differences.

“Thank you, for saying what you did to Grace,” Robert had told him during lunch.
 
He had walked over to the football table with me in tow, and held his hand out to Graham.
 
“You’re her best friend, and you know her best.
 
You were right when you said that she can be trusted, and now I know that when she says you can be as well, she’s right.”

Graham stood up and looked at me standing shyly behind Robert, my face peeking out from underneath his arm.
 
He winked at me and took Robert’s hand in his.
 
“No problem.
 
I meant what I said, too.
 
I’m glad that you’re able to make her happy in the way that I can’t.
 
I don’t think you deserve her, of course.
 
I don’t think anyone really does.
 
But you come close, and I can’t hate you for that.”

With the two of them smiling at each other, it was easy to imagine that they could be friends; the two most handsome guys in school, one blonde and effervescent, the other dark and broody.

I again felt that bubble of giddiness within me as I finally saw the pieces of my life fall into place.
 
Normal was feeling very good indeed.

The rest of the week went by in a blur.
 
We had amassed our own little group during lunch as Graham had taken to sitting with us now that the feud between him and Robert had come to an end.
 
Lark had all but abandoned the gaggle of girls who had followed her around like little ducklings to sit with us, and Stacy had swallowed her distaste for Graham just enough to be able to laugh once in a while when he cracked a joke.

This group would eventually move to my house after school, with Graham and Stacy trickling in after their respective practices.
 
Stacy had insisted that I finally start taking classes at her dad’s Tae Kwon Do school.
 
Of course, when she told me about the payment, I nearly balked.

“I have to scrub the floors?”

Stacy smirked.
 
“What?
 
I do it every day!
 
At least this way, you can help me and we’ll get out faster.
 
Come on!
 
You said you wanted to learn, and now you can for free!
 
I told you I’d give you the family discount
—
I just didn’t tell you that it’ll just cost you a little elbow grease.”

“That’s not free,” I muttered, but agreed to starting the following week.

I wasn’t prepared for the drastic change in Stacy when I showed up for my first class.
 
Standing among five and six-year-olds, I had already felt foolish, but these kids had been with Stacy for at least a month, and they were already far more knowledgeable than I was and she never seemed to fail to point that out.

It took me that entire first week to learn the terms and commands, not to mention the motions and positions.
 
I estimated it’d take me until my twenty-first birthday to be able to catch up to the level that they were at now.
 
And boy, did those kids like to remind me of that fact.

And, as if it weren’t bad enough that I had to learn with basically infants who were far more skilled at this than I was, I had to practice what I was learning with Stacy, whom I knew could take out a quarterback without touching him.
 
It was like living in a sitcom, and I was the running gag.

By the time Thanksgiving had arrived, I looked like a walking eggplant.
 
I had never felt so bruised and useless in my life.
 
Robert had wanted to heal me after each and every grueling practice, but I insisted that he leave me to heal on my own.
 
It wasn’t that bad, really.
 
For whatever reason, the pain was far easier to deal with than I had thought.
 
After one particularly rough session, I thought back to the punch I had thrown at Lark, and recalled how shocked Robert had been that I hadn’t felt any tenderness.

Though I was sore and stiff, I knew that I should have felt worse.
 
I should have been incapacitated in some way, because Stacy hadn’t held back during sparring.
 
I could see it in the intensity in her face, and the way her body moved way too fluidly.
 
She wasn’t applying any tension, just letting the movement flow from her into me.
 
I should definitely have felt worse.

On Thanksgiving day, Robert, Ameila, and Lark arrived at my house for dinner, each of them wielding a casserole of some kind; Janice had invited them, insisting that they were now part of our family.
 
Robert liked that idea a great deal, and I admitted to myself that I enjoyed the sound of that as well.

With the six of us scattered around the living room and kitchen, eating, cooking, and talking, the house was filled with a warmth that it hadn’t seen in a very long time.
 
I could sense it, feel it absorbing the conversation and the emotion that it had been missing for so long.
 
Our cozy little house needed this, I realized.
 

As we all sat around the folding table that Dad had set up in the living room to eat, I realized how thankful I was.
 
So much so that when we started going around the table to announce what we were thankful for, all I could say was “I just am”.

“Well, that’s
…
erm, nice, Grace,” Dad mumbled.

Robert winked at me and squeezed my hand underneath the table.
 
“I’m thankful to you, Mr. Shelley, and to Grace’s mother, for bringing her in into the world.
 
She has changed my life, and I cannot begin to express my gratitude to you for making that possible.”