Falling For Crazy (Moroad Motorcycle Club) (15 page)

"Where are you going?" Desiree asked.

She looked over her shoulder and kept walking. "To talk to Cam."

Desiree's eyes widened and she shook her head. Ignoring the warning, Amy headed to the fire and stopped beside Cam. She had a right to know what was going on regarding Los Li, and indirectly she hoped to find out what was wrong with Jacko.

Cam glanced down at her. She rocked back on her heels. His height and bulk intimidated her. He wasn't the easiest person in the club to approach.

The conversation around the fire stopped. She looked at Jacko for support and he continued staring up at the sky.

She worked her hands together in worry. "May I speak to you privately?"

Cam's gaze narrowed. "You have a man you can rattle off on."

"No, you're the one I need to talk to." She stuck her chin in the air and looked him in the eyes. "Please."

Cam exhaled loudly and called, "Jacko?"

"Yeah?" Jacko remained on his back.

"Your woman wants to have words with me. You got a problem with that?" Cam raised his brows, daring Amy to protest.

She remained silent, more so because she wanted to hear Jacko's answer. No, she wanted Jacko to deny Cam the privilege of talking to her privately and instead talk with her.

"Nope, go ahead," Jacko said.

She clenched her teeth to hide the hurt. How hard would it be for Jacko to show his support and answer her questions?

"Come on." Cam led her away from the fire and stopped at the end of the building. "Speak."

"I want to know what happened the other night when Jacko went after Los Li." She slipped her hands into her back pockets to keep from nervously playing with her fingers. "Is my life still in danger?"

"Do you want me to pad the answer, so you can sleep better at night or do you want the truth?" Cam pulled out his smokes.

"I want the truth."

Cam lit a cigarette and leaned against the wall. He blew out the smoke. "Jacko killed a twenty-year-old boy to make your world safe the other night. There's still two people he needs to stop from getting their hands on you."

Bile burned her throat. She covered her mouth with her hand and shook her head in denial. Jacko killed a young man?

"The sooner you realize how serious the situation is the easier it'll be to accept Jacko's choices." Cam sucked on the cigarette and continued. "He's not afraid of going back inside prison. He wants back inside. He knows he's safe behind bars, and can lose himself inside his head. If you haven't noticed, he's comfortable with himself. He's trying to do that now and struggling, because you remind him of what is on the outside. All you're doing is hurting him, so let him get his job done, so he can find peace."

She removed her hand, trying desperately to understand what Cam was telling her. The shock of hearing how Jacko wanted to go back to prison sucked the air out of her lungs. Pain clenched her chest. He wanted her to leave.

"When will all this be over?" she whispered.

Cam flicked his cigarette away from him. "Soon."

She squinted in the direction of the fire. Her coming back to Federal and Jacko caused him pain. She reminded him of the past, of Sarah. "I didn't come back to hurt him."

"He knows that."

She turned toward Cam. "You want me gone, don't you?"

Cam ran his hand over his beard. "I've watched Jacko lose his direction and regain himself in a way that would protect him. I'm again watching him lose control. One of these times, he won't pull himself out and instead of staring at the sky, he's going to stare into nothing. The Jacko we know will be gone."

Cam walked away, leaving her alone with a wealth of information she had no idea how to process. She leaned against the building, unsure of what she should do. If she left, Los Li would get ahold of her. If she stayed, Cam more or less told her she'd destroy Jacko.

Lola and Desiree approached her. She pushed off the wall. Her desire for female companionship settled at the bottom of her stomach.

"Are you okay?" Desiree asked.

She shook her head. "I need to go to my room."

"I'll get Jacko for you." Lola hurried off.

She hugged her middle. In the room, she could pretend to sleep and find the peace and quiet to think over what Cam told her and come to a decision. Jacko would leave her alone and settle into his space that never included her.

For a split second, she was jealous of Sarah.

At one time, Sarah had him. Not the crazy, mentally scarred Jacko. She had the man who stood by her, supported her even though her immaturity made controlling her impossible.

Her head buzzed. Sick over her feelings, she hated being put in a position of defending herself and walking around afraid she'd end up dead.

Jacko strolled toward her whistling a fast and upbeat tune belying his attitude. "Ready to go in?"

She nodded and let him lead her to the room. Jacko obviously had Moroad members taking care of him, but they were men without the ability to show their feelings. They cared, but going from what Cam said, they're way of dealing with Jacko was to let him fall deeper and hope he'd find the strength to come back to them sane.

She wasn't willing to let him fall away from everyone. If he needed her gone to heal and overcome whatever affliction he'd come down with, whether that was a mental imbalance or an injury, she would do what was best for him. Someone needed to care for him in a way that helped him get better, not worse.

While Jacko locked the door, she slipped into the bathroom and changed into the oversized T-shirt Katie had thrown in another bag of clothes she'd brought with her yesterday. She brushed her teeth, pulled back her hair into a low, loose ponytail, and returned to the main room.

Jacko stood at the window, staring out into the darkness. She pulled back the sheet and blanket and crawled into bed. Turning to face the wall, she closed her eyes. She'd give him room. She'd give him support. She'd give him almost anything if her being here would help.

But, she couldn't accept the fact he'd killed a young man. A man two years younger than Sarah had been when Los Li killed her. For how much she loved her sister and would've died for her if Sarah could've lived, she couldn't justify taking someone else's life.

Someone else's son.

Someone else's brother.

The room suddenly darkened. The edge of the bed compressed. She held perfectly still and only exhaled when Jacko settled on his back. Her imagination ran wild, trying to understand how Jacko found it in himself to take someone's life and what effects doing that kind of crime against another human being did to a person.

Obviously, he was deeply affected. She flopped over on her back before she could stop herself.

"Jacko?' she whispered.

He grunted.

"I just want you to listen, okay?" She pulled the blanket up above her breasts and laid her arms straight down at her sides.

She took his continued silence as permission for her to keep talking. Nothing she said would make a difference now, but maybe in the future he'd think about tonight and have a different mindset where he could accept her advice.

"I know what happened to Sarah made you angry, still makes you angry.  She would never want you to put yourself in danger or to spend your days locked up in prison." She turned her head toward him. "Do you know how I know that?"

Jacko's gaze never wavered. He ignored her and stared up at the stained yellow ceiling.

"When we were little, Sarah was the one who always found the stray kitten or the puppy someone dumped at the end of the road. For a couple days, she begged and whined to Mom about taking care of her new pet." Her voice hitched. "I think she promised her allowance for the rest of her life and to wash dishes after every meal for months if she could keep the stray. Every time, Mom would give in to her begging. Sarah would play, sleep, and pack the animal around constantly...for about three days. Then she'd forget about her responsibilities, and I'd end up feeding the animal. Sarah lived for the moment, carefree and irresponsible."

"Stop," Jacko said.

"It's true. I loved her more than I loved myself, but my sister woke up each day ready for excitement and a new experience, always looking for something brighter and more fun to come along. As her older sister, I picked up the pieces she left scattered behind her wherever she went." She sighed, remembering how willingly she'd do anything to keep Sarah smiling.

"What I'm trying to say is Sarah would want you to go on to brighter ideas and focus on the things that bring you happiness. Nothing will bring her back, so we must move forward. We need to think about what Sarah would want us to do, and she wouldn't want you sacrificing yourself for her."

Jacko's lips moved and yet he kept what he was thinking to himself. She reached down and slipped her fingers into his hand. He had to understand he couldn't give up his life for Sarah. At some point, he had to find the strength to put himself first.

"I'm not a piece of shit she left scattered in the wind." He turned his head, and his anger-filled gaze singed her. "I'm not with you because I expect you to take care of me like I'm a stray mutt Sarah brought home and instantly forgot about."

"Jacko—"

"No, I want you to listen and for once, shut up and let someone else take care of you." His controlled voice, hardened mouth, and intense gaze stopped her. "I love Sarah. Loved her. No matter how fucked up I am, I know the difference between what I feel in my head versus reality. If Sarah were alive, we probably wouldn't be together. She wasn't someone who would settle down with a man who preferred to live inside prison and felt no guilt over killing someone. She was looking for a good time, and I showed her a good time. A great time, for both of us. I look back on that year we were together, and it was the one time in my fucking life where every time I saw Sarah, it brought me pleasure. It made me glad to wake up in the morning, and I wanted to make her happy."

Amy pulled her hand, but Jacko refused to let her go. She never expected him to share his feelings with such honesty and while she knew deep in her heart what he was saying was true, and even wanted him to admit the truth, it hurt her heart more than she imagined.

"I am not delusional about how I feel." Jacko rolled toward her, let go of her hand, and palmed the back of her head, keeping her close. "You're not getting the pieces of me that Sarah left behind, because they're fucking gone. Parts of me left with her. You're also not getting everything that's left of me. I don't give anything to anyone. Not my club, not my MC brothers, and not the system. You're going to have to accept that part of me. What you see is what you get, every fucked up piece."

Her jaw slackened, and her teeth chattered together. "Why me?"

"I don't fucking know." He ran his thumb along her cheek. "I only know when I found you at the river, I wanted to get rid of you as much as I wanted to hold you close, and that's a powerful feeling I usually don't experience. Yeah, maybe at the beginning it had to do with Sarah, but when I'm between your legs, looking in your eyes, it's you I'm seeing and wanting. I get fiercely protective when you give me your laughter, momma. Around others, you hold it in. But that moment when you're comfortable and I'm with you and you give me a slow, soft laugh and the sound grows until you let go letting the laughter control you, you try to fight it, and end with a snort that only makes you laugh harder and your cheeks blush. That's what I want, and I don't want anyone else to have that."

"You killed someone the other night and who knows how many other people before that," she blurted, swept away with the feelings he created inside of her.

"Is that going to stop you from being here with me?"

The thought of leaving him, never finding out if what they were experiencing together could be better, more stable, and more powerful than either of them have had caused her throat to tighten in fear. She didn't want to leave him, not yet.

"I don’t know how to answer your question," she admitted.

"Either you're in or out, Momma."

She squeezed her eyes closed to escape the pressure he put on her. His need to have her accept him out in the open put her on the spot. Goosebumps appeared on her arms, and she shivered. Right at the moment with her life in danger and Jacko the only one she had on her side, she clung to the security he gave her. Maybe tomorrow or next month, she'd change her mind.

She couldn't leave him. Not yet. Not until she had more answers and was confident Jacko would be okay alone. "I'm in."

His gaze warmed and his breath fanned her face. She physically felt the relief his body gave up in its struggle to remain aloof and unfeeling.

She reached up and brought his head to her breasts and held him. Answers would come later. For tonight, she needed comfort as much as he needed her to stay.

T
he weight of Jacko's hand cupping the top of Amy's head urged her farther down on the bed. She slithered along his body and wrapped her arm around Jacko's thighs and pulled her mouth toward his hard, hot cock. Beyond exhausted, she looked for comfort.

She laid against Jacko sleepy, warm, and aroused. Her headache gone, she barely had any residue effects from the bullet grazing her head, except a slim line of hardened skin from the glue along her hairline.

Heat rolled off Jacko's body after being curled together with her all night. She stroked her tongue along his length, suctioning her lips around him. His hardness grew, filling her mouth, until her jaw locked at its limit.  She slipped off, repositioning herself, and took him back inside her mouth.

His thighs tensed and his hips came off the bed. She went down, pulled up and slid down again. Her breasts dragged against his leg with each movement. The coarse hair stimulated her more and her nipples constricted. She hooked her leg over his knee and lifted up onto her elbows.

Jacko's hand stroked the back of her hair while he pumped into her mouth. She moaned, coming fully awake, aroused, and wanted to please him. The only time he focused on one thing without allowing any distractions were when they had sex, and he shut off the outside world and focused on her.