Falling (Fading Series) (68 page)

Walking into the first dress shop, I have a pretty good idea of what I’m looking for. So when one of the bridal consultants approaches and asks, I tell her, “Simple. I really like lace.”

“Not a problem. You’re quite small, so if you are looking to buy off the rack, you’re limited,” she tells me as she leads us through the mass of wedding gowns.

Donna and I begin to pull dresses. Most are pretty detailed, so I only take a small handful back to the fitting room to try on. I step out and show Donna a couple of the dresses, but it isn’t until the third one that I know.

Stepping out of the fitting room and onto the platform in front of the mirrors, Donna stands behind me to tie the satin sash around my waist. Smoothing my hands over the ivory lace, I look at myself in the mirror and just know that this is the dress I want Ryan to see me in. It’s sleeveless with a v-neck front and a plunging v-cut dip in the back with a champagne colored satin sash around the waist. It’s form-fitting and simple with a tiny sweep-train and solid lace, which I know Ryan has an affinity for.

“I love it,” I say as Donna steps to the side.

“It’s perfect, dear.”

The hem is a tad long, but it’ll do. Everything else fits perfectly. I never saw myself getting married. I dreamt about it as a little girl, but never really considered it as I got older.

It’s odd to see myself like this. As a bride. It even sounds weird; but I love him. Even when I wasn’t with him, I never stopped loving him.

“What do you think?” Donna asks, and when I look at her in the mirror, I nod my head.

Thinking about Ryan seeing me in this dress, thinking about becoming his wife, thinking about this past year—it all overpowers me, and I quickly wipe the tears that begin to drop. Donna steps onto the platform with me and gives me a hug.

“I certainly hope these are happy tears,” she quietly says, and when I pull back and see another bride walking in, Donna takes my hand and walks us to my fitting room, closing the heavy curtain.

“Are you okay?” she asks as we sit on the small couch.

“It’s a lot,” I tell her.

She gives me a questioning look and I assure, “Not like that; I love Ryan. Just . . . this past year has been a huge change. One I never saw coming.”

“I can’t even imagine.”

And out of nowhere, I think about my parents. About my father, and how everything has decayed with them. I was about to leave for New York without ever telling them, and now I’m about to get married. It hurts.

“My parents don’t even know,” I mumble as more tears fall.

“Sweetheart,” she says as she pulls me into her arms. “Well . . . do you think you should call them? I mean, when’s the last time you spoke with them?”

Sitting back, I tell her, “Last Christmas. It’s been a year. Ryan said he saw my dad several months ago at one of my performances, but he didn’t even want to talk to me. He told Ryan to not tell me he was there.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It just makes me sad.”

“Of course it does,” she says. “Love doesn’t disappear just because the people do.”

“I’m not sure they ever loved me,” I choke out around the knot in my throat. “But it feels weird to move on without them.”

“What does Ryan say?”

“What can he say?” I tell her with a slight shrug of my shoulders. “He’s supportive regardless, but it’s hard not to think about them right now. I know them well enough to know that it’s done with and has been for a long time.”

She takes my hands, and tells me, “I don’t claim to have been the perfect mother to Ryan. I let him down in so many ways. I didn’t protect him like I should have, and I know that. But I’ve never once
not
loved him with everything that I am. I don’t know your parents, so I can’t speak for them, but I feel like I have gotten to know you well this past year. And you have a beautiful soul. I couldn’t imagine anyone better for my son than you. To be able to call you my daughter, I can’t tell you what that means to me.” Her tears fall along with mine, and I soak in her words. “I love you as if you were my own.”

Wiping my face, I don’t feel like I could possibly speak, but I force the words out because she deserves to hear them when I explain, “It’s always been hard for me to talk to people.” I stop, trying to take a breath through my shaky voice but then continue with my trembling, strained words. “I don’t open up easily, I know that. But you made it easy. You and Ryan both. And when I told you, the night of my solo, that you were the best gift Ryan ever gave me . . . I meant every word. It killed me not to have him for those few months, but it killed not to have you either. I never understood what a mom’s love felt like until you.”

We spend a few minutes hugging each other before we dry our tears and have a good laugh at our emotional mess.

“Here, let me untie you,” she says as we stand up and she loosens the sash. “Should we look for a wrap or something? You’re going to be freezing wearing only this.”

“This dress is beautiful. I don’t want to cover it up,” I tell her.

“But it’s the middle of winter.”

Looking back at her, I say, “Ryan will keep me warm.”

When she steps out, I slip off the dress and put my clothes back on. Donna tried talking me into a veil and jewelry, but I politely declined. Unfortunately, there was no declining when she insisted on buying the dress.

The past two days have been a whirlwind. After we met with Pastor Andrews the other evening, Ryan ordered dinner in and watched the new episode of ‘Ridiculousness’ with me. Donna couldn’t believe that I liked that show, and she and Ryan had a heck of a time teasing me, but I know it was all in good fun. It was nice to veg out in front of the TV with the two of them.

I decided to go by myself to pick up Ryan’s ring yesterday. As much as he likes to tease me, he loves nice things just as much as I do, so I decided on a timeless, brushed-platinum band. I waited while they engraved it for me, and by the time I got back to the house, Jase and Mark had just arrived. They were exhausted from spending the day traveling, so we all crashed early.

When I stir awake, Ryan is already up. Threading his hands through my hair, he says, “Morning, babe.”

“Morning.”

Inching his way down in bed, and facing me, he smiles, saying, “I feel like an antsy kid.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I get my everything today,” he says. “You nervous?”

“No. You?”

He pulls me flush against him, whispering, “No,” before kissing me.

When we finally make it downstairs, Donna and Jase are cooking while Mark drinks his coffee and watches. We all sit around and enjoy a long breakfast together before Ryan and I throw on our raincoats to take a walk along the beach.

The skies are dark and a heavy mist fills the air as we head down the beach and find a spot to sit. Settling between his legs, I lean back into his arms. “Talk to me,” I request.

“About what?”

“Anything,” I say, simply wanting to hear his voice.

He tightens his arms around me, and tells me, “I don’t want you to worry about anything. Thinking that marrying me is going to change us.”

I smile at his words because somehow he just knew what I needed to hear. “I’m glad you said that.”

He shifts me to face him and says, “I love us just the way we are. I want to marry you because I want forever with you. I want it all, and I know you’re the only one who can give it to me.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I tell him.

“You don’t have to say anything.”

Running my hand along his cheek, I give him the only words I can find, “My only wish is that I can give you everything you’ve given me.”

“You already have, babe. You’re enough.”

I cuddle into his chest as we sit in the cold, in no rush to get back to the house. I need the quiet with him. I always will because I’ve come to depend on the closeness.

Ryan is spending the afternoon with his mom and Mark, letting me have the next couple of hours alone with Jase before we head to the beach. I sit in Ryan’s room while Jase changes in the bathroom. My dress hangs in front of the window, and I sit on the bed, staring at it, thoughts filling my head, wondering how I wound up here when it wasn’t that long ago that I was wishing I had died by that dumpster.

And then there was Ryan. The stranger that sat with me while I lay there naked and unconscious on the ground. The stranger who is now about to become my husband.

Ryan is an amazing man. More than I ever thought I deserved. He’s always loved me, and no matter what we have dealt with, he’s never wavered. He’s always held my heart above his. Always giving me a safe place to fall. From the start he saw through my walls, to the darkest part of me, and found my light.

“What are you thinking about?” Jase says as he walks into the room.

“How I got here.”

He sits next to me on the bed and holds my hand. “Remember that morning when Mark and I were talking to you about Ryan? I was being way too protective, worrying that you two might be interested in each other.”

Looking at him, I nod my head, recalling that morning. The morning after Ryan returned my leopard scarf I had left at The xx concert.

“And you remember when you told me that you thought you wouldn’t ever be able to fall in love, and I told you that one day you’ll get everything you deserve?”

“Yeah.”

“This is that day for you.”

His words make me cry. We’ve been through so much together. Jase has always been my heart. We’ve depended on each other for almost five years now. From the moment I met him, I loved him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Ryan has never questioned our relationship, and neither has Mark. It was always Jase and I—for years—before Mark and Ryan walked in. They blended seamlessly with us, and Jase and I have found a way to open ourselves up to our boyfriends.

“I love you,” I tell him.

“I know you do. And I love you.”

Feeling extremely overwhelmed by today, Jase sits with me while I let the tears stream down my face. But it’s when I see his own tears slip out that I turn to face him as he says, “Tell me that this won’t change. You and me.”

“Nothing will ever change you and me.”

“I know that you’re Ryan’s, but you are always going to be my girl.” He wipes my tears with his thumbs, but they’re falling too fast for him to catch.

“You’re my heart. You always have been. But now, Ryan holds that heart,” I tell him. “My love for you will always be there. I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”

Jase holds me as we share this moment with each other. He was the first person I ever trusted. The first one I ever shared my heart with. Never once has anything come between us. He’s my constant—I’ve never had to hide from him. But it’s because of him that I was able to fall in love with Ryan, and for that, I love him even more. Jase always believed that I would find love, that I would find happiness when I thought my life had been too far destroyed for any hope of that happening. He believed it, and he pushed me when I was scared to open my heart to Ryan.

The tears finally subside, and I freshen up before Jase helps me get dressed. When he’s done tying my sash, I turn to face him as he looks me over. He smiles, and when his eyes meet mine, he says, “You look amazing, sweetheart.”