Falling (24 page)

Someone starts talking in a distant part of the house. House. That's right. Yesterday. I can't believe all of that was real. I slump back down, finding sleep before I have closed my eyes. I shudder upwards again. Fire alarm. That noise is not a fire alarm. Another ringing sound.

Is it possible to hear yourself snoring? I slump back down.

“Good morning Reid.” Three faces peer at me with matching pity filled expressions, even Charlotte has been filled in by the look of it.

“Hi.” I’m not really used to having to talk over breakfast, Sara isn’t really a morning person, and I usually just want to eat and get out of the dining hall as fast as I can.

“You want to come shopping with me today?” Charlotte asks already excited. I’m such a bad cousin.

“Um, I’m not sure. Are you leaving soon?”

“Yeah.” Her face falls.

“Maybe on Monday before I head back. And we can have lunch.” I add to make it sound less like I don’t want to hang out with her. Because it’s not personal. I hope they all have things to do and will be gone most of the weekend. That way no one can comment when I spend it in bed.

Someone beeps their car horn and Charlotte jumps up. “If you change your mind mum can drop you off to us. Bye.” She kisses the top of my head and runs for the door. I forget that they hug each other and stuff. It’s so weird.

“Sit down Reid.” Aunt Kelly moves away from the table, bringing me a bowl. “Eat.” She is so nice. But I feel so strange after crying in front of her last night. I don’t know what to say. It all seems too pathetic to talk about.

“Well Reid.” Uncle Rod clears his throat. Oh no, not him too. Getting the talk from aunt Kelly is bad enough, but not from him to. I can see that he is about to start and I brace myself internally for the awkwardness. “Have you thought much about next year?”

“Oh.” I stumble, surprised, but extremely relieved that he only wants to talk about college. “A little. But I’m not exactly sure what I want to do yet.”

“That’s fine, you don’t need to know for sure. But you do need to start applying. The best colleges fill up fast, you can apply for something more general to start with then look into a specialisation later.” He walks to the kitchen and comes back with an enormous stack of papers.

“We got an application pack from every college we thought you’d want to go to. But we can get more if there’s something we missed.”

“Right.” My spoon is frozen half way to my mouth. The last time I’d thought about this Keller was asking me where I was going.

“You don’t have to fill them all out today.” Uncle Rod adds.

“Right.” I repeat. I’m not hungry any more. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know where I want to go. My stomach churns. I don’t know what I want to do, but they are looking at me like I should. They say I don’t have to know, but I have to at least choose something non-specific for the first year or two. What if I hate it? What if I fail out in the first semester?

My hands start sweating and I can hear my breathing coming faster. I won’t be able to live in the dorms. What if I fall into my roommate? I can’t go.

“Reid are you all right.”

“I’m, um fine. I just. I’m not sure what I want to do yet. I need more time to think about it I guess.” They are giving me that sad look again. “Sorry. Thanks for getting the applications for me. I’ll look over them and try to choose something.”

“It’s fine. You don’t have to choose anything this weekend, it was just a thought.” Aunt Kelly says trying to sooth me into eat the spoonful still hanging mid-air.

“Okay.” Think. Say something. Say something, I scream at myself. “I’m going to go back to bed if that’s okay with you. You don’t have any plans?”

“No. Nothing.” She says quickly, rushing to take my bowl away. “You just rest, it was a long day for you yesterday. Just rest as long as you want.” I can hear what she’s not saying. I’m going to be talking to your uncle the second you leave the room because I think you need to see someone again.

They forced me into seeing a physiatrist after mum and dad died. He just kept asking how I felt about things. How do you think I feel? I have no family. I watched my parents die in front of me, their blood dripping out of them while I was trapped in the back seat, unable to move or help them.

“I feel great about it, actually it was the best day of my life,” I told him after the fifty millionth time he asked me. After that I didn’t see him again, I don’t know what happened. Aunt Kelly called the day of my next appointment and said I didn’t have to go back.

I think she might be regretting that now. I stop on my way out and pick up the stack of applications. “You don’t have to take those. We can look at it another time.” She uses her soothing voice again.

“No, it’s fine. I should have started looking ages ago.” I pick them up to show them that I haven’t completely gone insane and that I can be rational.

“Sleep first and then look at them. You don’t need to stress about what you are going to do, there is plenty of time still.”

“Yeah, plenty.” Uncle rod chimes in. Aunt Kelly must have nudged him under the table.

“Okay.” I say.

I shut the door quietly behind me, grasping the stack of papers to my chest, and slip back into my well-made bed. I hate it that boarding school has made me into a bed making, quiet door shutting, five minute shower taking person.

I pull the covers up knowing that I won’t be able to get back to sleep. But I close my eyes anyway, letting my head run away with itself now that all I have to do is think.

Maybe looking at those applications won’t be so bad, I think when the sound of Keller’s voice from yesterday, so full of anger and disgust fills my head.

I take the first one off the top and the door opens. “Sorry to disturb you love, but your friend Sara called last night after you had gone to bed. I told her that you’d call her back today.”

“Okay, thanks.” Aunt Kelly backs out of the room quickly.

I look at my options on the first list of undergrad courses. I could become a doctor, I could cut people open and see where I fit inside them. Or a brain doctor, figure out how to make me stop doing this.

I push the sheet of paper away with clammy hands, and what if I fell into them while doing surgery on their brain, would I take my little tools and start cutting from the inside?

I lean over and let the whole stack fall off the bed, watching them spill out over the carpet. All the names of the schools blaring at me. The endless lists of options making my head spin.

I don’t know what’s worse, hearing Keller’s voice, or looking at those.

“Reid. Love, it’s almost dinner time. Do you want to get up?” I look up groggily, peeling a damp piece of paper out from under my cheek.

“Sorry?” Papers are spread out all over the floor, mixed up with half of my blankets. I must have been moving a lot when I slept.

“It’s six. Do you want to get up?”

“Yeah. I will.” I takes me a minute to take everything in and figure out where I am and why I’m here. “Sorry. I’ll be out in a minute.”

The door shuts and it goes dark again. I slump back against my pillow. I didn’t dream about anything. For the first time that I can remember, I didn’t dream about anything at all.

I bend my stiff muscles out of bed, shuffling to the door.

“You feeling better sweetheart.” Aunt Kelly asks. If I say yes, I’m going to have to pretend like I am for the rest of the time, but if I say no, they are going to keep hovering over me for another two days.

“Yeah. I guess I was just more tired than I realised.”

“Good. Did you look at the applications?” She asks gently.

“Yeah I did.” I answer, working really hard at putting some enthusiasm into my voice. If I find it really hard talking to everyone later, I can always pretend that I’m sick.

“Great, anything you think you might like.”

“A few things, but I’ll have to check on the entry requirements. I might not have good enough results.”

“That’s okay, keep checking all your options, you don’t need to settle on anything this weekend.” I must have looked really horrible before, because I have never seen aunt Kelly work this hard to encourage me to not settle on anything and to keep my options open. Charlotte will be happy to hear her say that. They have been talking about where she is going to college for the last three years already.

“Thanks.” That was the only cheerful sounding word I could think of.

It’s an awkwardly quiet dinner, everyone trying to talk at once, without saying anything; all superficial questions except when uncle Rod asked how David was. Charlotte went bright red but didn’t answer.

I helped clean up when it was finally over, but then that ended too and I had nothing left to do. I can’t go back to bed. All those horrible applications are waiting for me in there.

Um, “uncle Rod, can I use your computer?” I could send Sara an email. My phone is dead, and I know exactly where my power cord was.

“Sure thing. Just, you know, don’t break it.”

“I’ll try.” I pat his head as I walk past him. It’s better than smiling or laughing, or hugging.

While I wait for it to start up I realise that there are colleges all around the word. I could go to anywhere and enrol in something easy and just travel around for a couple of years.

I skip past my emails and search universities in France.

Seeing the castle like buildings fills me with dread instead of excitement. Seeing the smiling, unmoving faces in the photographs makes the nerve endings in my finger-tips ache.

So many things could go wrong, just thinking about following after someone I can’t really talk to or understand because the pull was too strong to stop myself makes my whole body ache. I shut off the page, watching the screen go black with my heart thudding in my ears.

I walk through the lounge and back to my room. “Find what you were looking for Reid?” Uncle Rod asks.

“Yes thanks.” I hurry through the hall, to get back to my room faster, and lean on the back of the closed door crying silently.

MONDAY

I open one eye. Something is hitting my window. I can’t hear anyone up in the house, and it must be really early. I don’t want to wake up. I want to sleep until I have to leave. I roll back over and hike the blankets even higher, hiding my head getting warm again.

What? I struggle up. What is that sound? Have they put a sprinkler on the lawn or something? Something flicks up at my window.

It flicks again.

Ahh. I throw the blankets back and march to the window to shut off whatever is flicking. I yank half the curtain back and throw the window open with one rough push.

“Ow.” I look up surprised, rubbing my forehead. Something hit me. “Sara?” I look again, disbelieving my eyes.

She rushes forward. “Sorry.” She laughs. “I didn’t mean to hit you. I was just trying to wake you.”

“I’m up. You couldn’t have just called me?”

“I tried and you wouldn’t return my calls, and my email. Or my texts.”

“Sorry. I meant to call, but I just didn’t have anything to say except I feel crappy and seeing as I was going to see you tonight anyway, it seemed like it could wait and I could tell you in person.”

“You’re such a loser, you should have called me anyway.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyway. You need to come back with me. Now.”

“Why?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I promised I wouldn’t.”

“You’re not making any sense Sara. Why do I need to go back now?”

“Just trust me okay. We need to go now, go get your stuff.”

“I can’t just go now. Aunt Kelly and uncle Rod aren’t even up yet. And what time did you leave? How did you even get here?”

“I got to bring my car back.” She squeaks. “And so early I think it was yesterday.”

“Why?”

“Just know that you need to. Go wake people up.”

“I’m not waking them up at, oh, eight, that’s not so bad. But I’m not waking them up anyway. Tell me why I need to come back. Have they figured out that Mrs Snouse isn’t really human, and they are right now taking her away?”

“Better.” She raises her eyebrows.

“Better than Mrs Snouse leaving. I don’t think that’s possible.”

“You will once you see what’s waiting for you.”

“You bought me a really big pie.”

She rolls her eyes. “No dork. Come on, go wake people up.”

“Wake who up.” Charlotte’s voice filters through my door.

I give Sara a cold look and go open my door. “Sara, this is my cousin Charlotte.”

“Hi.” Sara sings out.

“Hey. Do you go to school together?”

“Yes. Sara is my lovely roommate.” I give her the look again.

“Stop being such a baby Reid, go get dressed.”

“I am dressed.” I say it like I’m being childish, but really these are the only clothes I have.

“Get your stuff then.” She prompts impatiently.

“You are amazingly pushy.”

“I know.” She beams at me and I pull the curtains closed on her groaning, I don’t want to go back to school earlier than I have to.

Charlotte lets Sara inside. “Do you want some breakfast?”

“That would be great. At least you know how to treat a guest.” Sara glares at me before laughing.

“Guests shouldn’t show up at this time of the day.”

“Hi.” Aunt Kelly comes out of their bedroom brightly. “I thought I heard voices.”

“Good morning.” Sara says happily digging in to a croissant.

“Oh, hi.”

“This is my roommate Sara.” I tell her. They all know who she is; they have just never managed to meet each other in person. We always find a way to miss each when we leave for the holidays.

“Nice to meet you Sara.” Aunt Kelly says looking perplexed that she is here so early in the morning.

“Sara is giving me a ride back to school apparently.” I say trying to clear it up.

“Do you need to be back early today?”

“Apparently.” I eye up Sara, but she ignores me.

“You should have said and we could have gone shopping yesterday.” Aunt Kelly wanted to get me some new clothes and I was happy to stop washing the ones I have in the hand basin.