Fallen Grace (17 page)

“Is Gus mad at me?”

“He’s acting kinda weird. I don’t think it’s you. I’ll talk to him if you want.”

“Sorry. I know it’s not fair of me to ask you about him.”

“How’s the baby doing?”

“Good. He seems a lot stronger.”

“You still cold?”

“
Yeah. Starting to warm up a bit.”

“You sound tired.”

“Yeah.”

I felt Boggs lean over, and he whispered ‘sleep well’ into my ear just before kissing my cheek.

Emmett and I fell asleep together, warming one another. If I dreamt that night, I didn’t remember.

When I woke, the others were all gathered in the other room. The door to the bedroom had been left open, allowing light to stream in. Emmett was still at my side, just starting to wake. I ran my palm gently over his head, feeling the baby-fine hair that did little to cover his scalp.

“Fuzzle head,” I whispered just before leaning down to kiss his cheek. “Good morning, sweet boy.”

I wasn't sure for how long we had slept, but Emmett made it clear that it had been too long since he fed. Before he could begin crying in earnest, I helped him latch on.

“Morning,” said Boggs from the doorway.

I looked up and smiled. “Morning,” I said back, quietly.

“It suits you.”     

“What does?”

“Motherhood.” He walked to the bed and sat beside us. “I wish I could have met her.” He hung his head somberly.

I knew he meant Molly.

“Me too.” I laid a hand on his shoulder. “She was beautiful.”

He looked at me, not saying anything. His face was filled with sadness.

“She had your hair,” I said with a soft smile. “And your lips.”

We looked at each other for a quiet moment. Emmett sneezed, something I had begun to notice he would do as he was finishing his meal.

“You’re doing a good job with him,” said Boggs. “Susan’s bringing you some clothes that she and Abs found upstairs. We have breakfast waiting.”

“I’m starving,”
I admitted.

“How about I take Emmett and burp him? I’ll check his pants too.”

“Thanks,” I said with sincerity.

He gently took the baby and held him against his chest, with his little head on his shoulder. He bounced him lightly as they left the room.

I sat on the edge of the bed, still wrapped in the cloth in which Susan had wrapped me. Looking more carefully, I realized it was a tablecloth. My throat was dry and I needed to use the bathroom. I stood and walked to the bedroom doorway.

“Morning,” said Susan as she approached me. She was holding a small pile of clothes out for me. “Abbey and I found these upstairs. They look like they’ll fit you ok.”

“Thanks,” I said as I took them from her. “Hey, where are we going to the bathroom?”

“We’ve been using a restroom upstairs. Gus brought in a couple buckets of pond water, so we’re using those to fill the tanks to flush. Want to get dressed first or should I show you now?”

“I’ll get dressed upstairs,” I said.

She nodded and began walking back toward the rickety stairs. I followed. We walked through the main room of the basement to reach the stairs. Abbey was busy taking care of Nate, who was still in the recliner chair with his leg elevated. He looked as if he might have more energy today. I waved at them and Nate winked back at me. Danny was helping Boggs sort through strips of cloth that we were using as diapers. They both looked a bit lost in the task. I added a note to my mental list that we would need to find baby clothes, and soon.

I followed Susan up the stairs and onto the main floor of the home. It was cluttered, or maybe it just seemed so because the house was small. Someone had closed all of the curtains and it was moderately dark. We walked across the house, which didn’t take long, and Susan announced that the bathroom was just on the left. She went in first and set my new clothes on the counter.

“Can I get you anything else?” she asked.

“Not unless you’ve seen a pair of size seven and a half sneakers?”

Susan smiled softly and nodded. “Gus is out gathering firewood. We’ll get your shoes drying.”

She gave me a quick and unexpected hug before turning to leave. As she walked away she turned around and gave me a scolding look.

“That was really stupid what you did, by the way. But thanks for saving Abbey.”

She walked back toward the stairs and called back for me to come down and eat as soon as I was done. I quickly finished my personal business and slipped into the dry clothes that Susan had left. The pullover hooded sweatshirt was a faded red and far too large, but I knew it would be warm. What I had thought were pants was actually a loose fitting skirt that was purposely crinkled and showed off about fifty different colors. Until this point I had avoided looking in the mirror, but figured I might as well try to make myself somewhat presentable. My hair wasn’t as tangled as I had expected. My face was gaunt. I hadn’t recalled seeing myself this thin before. I didn’t particularly care for the look.

I decided to take a quick peek around the house before heading back downstairs. There was only the one bathroom and two small bedrooms. In the first bedroom I found a pair of women’s socks and pulled them onto my feet. As much as I didn’t want to wear anybody else’s underpants, I found a pair of cotton ‘granny panties’ and figured since they were in a dresser drawer they must be clean. I slid them on under the ridiculous skirt and continued on to the next bedroom. Of course I had hoped to find a fully stocked nursery, but instead walked into a home office. Like the rest of the house, it was cluttered and covered in a layer of dust. I wrinkled my face when I saw the mummified corpse of a cat lying under the desk. Likely a forgotten pet. I wondered briefly why it hadn’t risen as we had seen some other animals do. I walked over to it, and just to make sure, I took hold of the wooden desk chair that was still scooted back off to one side of the desk. I brought one of the legs of the chair down upon the dead cat’s head, piercing it with a loud dry crunch.

I made my way to the small living room. There was still a laundry basket full of clothes on the floor near a small Victorian-style couch. I pawed through it briefly. It was mostly bed sheets and towels. I carried the basket into the kitchen, knowing it’d come in more than handy for little Emmett. I quickly rifled through the cabinets hoping to find anything useful. There were a few boxes of dry onion soup mix and a package of spaghetti noodles, but nothing else. I stuffed the items into the laundry basket and walked back through the living room toward the staircase. I was startled when the front door opened.

“Gus,” I said.

“Zoe.”

I balanced the basket on one hip and we just looked at each other. Something wasn’t right. I waited for him to say something; anything.

“Gus?”

“Ayup?”

“What’s wrong?”

He held an armful of wood scraps, and shut the door behind him using his free hand. I could tell by the little bulge in his lower lip that he had found chewing tobacco somewhere. It was a habit I hadn’t seen him indulge in for a long time.

He didn’t answer, but rather carried the wood to the small fireplace in the living room and set it down. He walked into the kitchen. I followed, but stopped at the threshold between the rooms. I leaned against the door jamb and watched him spit into the sink. He used a sleeve to wipe his mouth and finally turned toward me.

“We should talk.”

My heart sank at the words. Or perhaps it was his tone that I found dreadful.

“No,” I said. My throat was still dry and the word barely came out.

“Sit?” He gestured toward the small two-person table in the middle of the room.

I stayed where I was, but stood fully upright and crossed my arms over my chest.

“What’s going on?”

“Sit.” He paused. “Please?”

It was hard to breathe. I reached inside of myself, trying to grasp exactly what Gus was feeling. I was at a complete loss, unable to feel him anymore. My legs were tingling and my eyes threatened to spill tears.

“No. I need to go see Emmett.”

“Zoe. Stop. You need to sit down. Now.” His voice was firm, and not particularly kind.

“I don’t want to,” I said in a whisper.

“I’m not asking. Sit.”

He had never treated me this way before and his words stung. I finally took the couple of steps to the table and sat in one of the two chairs.

“Why are you doing this?” I squeaked out.

“I don’t have a choice.”

I sat there, knowing full well he had something to say that I didn’t want to hear.

“You need to listen, Zoe. There’s not much time.”

I stared at my hands, refusing to look at him. I knew that if I looked up, the tears would fall.

“I have to leave. Soon.”

“What?” I asked, raising my voice in disbelief. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’ve been trying to think of different things I could tell you. Some way to make it easier. That I wanted to go look for my kids. Anything to make it easier.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, finally looking up.

“You have to know the truth. You need closure.”

“You don’t have to go anywhere. If you don’t want me anymore…I can live with that. But you don’t have to go anywhere.”

“Fuck, Zoe. That’s not it. You should know by now that I love you. Deeply. I always will.”

“Then what?” I asked harshly as I stood up, nearly knocking my chair over.

“I’m dying. I can feel it. I can feel it under my skin, down in my bones.”

“What the hell, Gus? You’re talking crazy shit!” I yelled.

All of a sudden I felt Boggs’ hands on my shoulders.

“What’s going on up here?” he asked. When no one answered, he spoke up again. “Gus?”

“I know you wanted me to wait, Boggs. But it’s coming soon. I can feel it. There’s no time.”

“What are you two talking about?” I raised my voice again.

“Zo, sit. Listen to him,” said Boggs.

I took my seat again, shaking.

“I’ve known for a couple of days. I’m changing. Into one of them. I need to leave before that happens.”

“No,” I moaned. “This is a sick joke. Sick!”

“You need to stay here. Raise up that baby down there. These people all love you.”

“This is bullshit, Gus,” I spat harshly.

“I’m sorry, darlin’. I really am. I wish I could change it, but I can’t. My heart’s not beating at all anymore. I can feel them in the distance; calling to me. I can feel the hunger starting. I have to go before it’s too late. Before I’m not me anymore.”

I didn’t try to hold the tears in anymore. What he was saying made no sense. Gus stood and began walking past me, toward the living room. He stopped next to me and put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. “Raise up that baby boy, and always choose life, Love.”

I reached up and covered his hand with my own, but he withdrew his and walked away. I listened to his footfalls as he crossed the front room. I listened to the door open and close. I forgot to breathe for a moment. I looked up at Boggs.

“Now?” I asked, near hysterical. “He’s leaving now?” I was only beginning to grasp that he had just left, intending not to return.

Boggs knelt in front of me and hung his head.

“Boggs?” I choked out. “He’s gone?”

The man who was once my childhood friend, who had once been a lover, who was the father of my lost child, looked up at me. He didn’t answer, but wrapped me in his arms.

“I’m so sorry, Zo. I’m so sorry.”

I took a shuddering breath in and began to fall apart.

“No! No, you have to go get him!” I cried mournfully. “Please, Adam, go get him!”

“Shhhh,” he tried to soothe. “It’ll be ok.”

“No!” I screamed. “No!”

I could hear crying from the basement. I thought it might be Abbey.

I stood, pushing Boggs away. “No! I won’t let him go!”

“Zoe, stop,” Boggs urged.

“No, you have to bring him back!” I yelled. “You have to, Adam! Bring him back!”

When he didn’t make an effort to do anything, I ran toward the door, desperate to run after the man with whom I had fallen in love. I was forced to fumble with the lock on the knob, made even more difficult by my trembling hands. Had Gus locked it on his way out to make it harder for me to get to him? Once I finally got it open, I ran out into the daylight.

“Gus!” I screamed into the grayness of the day. Rain was falling steadily, drowning out my voice. I was facing the street in front of the row of houses and looked each way. Not seeing any sign of the man I was desperate to save, I screamed his name again. “Gus! Come back!” I began sobbing and frantically looked inside of myself, hoping to feel even the faintest of a thread of connection to him. “Please, Gus! Please! Don’t leave me!”

I felt Boggs wrap his arms around me from behind. My face was soaked from both the rain and my own tears.

“Boggs, make him come back!” I pleaded.

“I’m sorry, Zo. I’m so sorry…” his voice broke off.

“Gus!” I screamed as shrilly as I could. “Gus!”

In the distance, a single gunshot rang out. My blood ran cold. I was unable to breathe. Time seemed to stand still in a moment of pure agony as tangible pain gripped my chest. I had trouble standing, and slumped to the wet pavement upon which I now stood, feeling more alone than I
ever had before. As air eventually filled my lungs, time resumed in a rush of pain and disbelief. I could hear someone screaming something unintelligible. I would later be told that it had been me.