Fallen Angel (The List #3) (3 page)

Carmel sneers her bright white teeth amidst the
shadows and holds her palm up to me, wiggling her fingers in a conceited wave.
I try to keep my face emotionless, which is pointless because we both know she’s
won. I shut the door the rest of the way and it clicks in sync with the ball of
sadness reaching the pit of my stomach.

Now I’m outside I can’t wait to get to Wills’
house and get as far away from Carmel as possible. I hate that she thinks I’m
running like a coward because I’m scared of her.

I’m running like a coward because I’m scared of
myself. My feelings for Jax are dangerous enough without adding a psycho loon
to the equation.

God, I miss Jax already and I’m not even in my
car yet. I need him to cocoon me with his beautiful protectiveness where
nothing else exists except us. Where nothing else matters except us and we’re
invincible.

Friday 17
^th
April 2015

11:24am

T
he drive home was sombre. I was feeling flat
and empty, with a constricting feeling inside my tummy that got tighter the
further away I got from Jax. My get up and go, had truly got up and went.

Last night, I was strongly considering whether
it’s even possible for me to stick to the promise I made to myself. I said that
I wouldn’t let my unrequited love for Jax get in the way of enjoying our time
together. When I got caught up in the chaos of the moment I went and opened my
big mouth to declare my love for him—then quickly backpedalled.

Our open ended expiry date is always loitering
in the background like the grim fucking reaper, ready to pounce and slice
through my impossible heart with a scythe. I knew I’d get hurt but I’ve
greedily carried on regardless. I’ve been wrapping myself up in the wonderful
way that he makes me feel, praying that that’ll be enough to cushion the blow when
we go our separate ways. No matter how much the maze inside my head turns my
trails of thought into knots, I still have hope that it will.

After walking out on him, I don’t even know if
he’ll want to speak to me, let alone discuss our relationship status.

I eventually cried myself to sleep around 5am. Drowning
my sorrows in a stream of tears and letting sleep erase reality for a few precious
hours.

My perspective came when a more rational Beth awoke,
all puffy eyed and snotty nosed. The only thing that matters right now is that the
stabbing wasn’t life-threatening. First and foremost Jax is alive and Jack will
have him on the mend by now.

Provided Jax is still talking to me, I’ll carefully
broach the subject of how the hell he got stabbed in the first place. He
probably won’t divulge that information but hopefully he’ll tell me something,
like who Jack and Carmel are.

My note to Jax told him to call me. So the
ball’s very much in his court.

For today I’m going to ease myself back into
the real world, doing normal stuff, like going to Next Chapter. Not things like
having sex amongst the trees or giving morphine injections—just normal stuff.

I’ve unpacked my bags and put a load of washing
in the machine. I’ve also cleaned the already spotless house. Now I’m on my way
to meet with Eddie at the shop.

Pulling into my parking bay behind the back of
my book shop feels normal. Good. Normal is good…
But
, admittedly, Jax is
forever on the periphery of my mind ready to drag me into a daydream at any
given opportunity.

I’m going to pick up some groceries on the way
home and plan a relaxing evening to welcome Wills back home after I collect her
from the airport later on. I’m not exactly sure how much or how little I’m
going to say to her about what’s happened. She’s already told me she’s got something
to tell me and I’m selfishly praying that she’s not uprooting and going to live
with her mom in Valencia.

Before leaving the car I quickly shoot a text off
to Wills asking for her ETA tonight. I notice an unread message off an unknown
number. I didn’t hear it come in but then I see that it was received at 6am,
whilst I was still sleeping. I’ve been in a robotic state since getting up and
mustn’t have even checked my phone.

He’s doing well. Are you? Call me
anytime.

Jack. What a relief. My body releases my hidden
tension and my stomach somersaults. I appreciate him contacting me and wonder
if he did it off his own back or whether Jax asked him to. I like to think I’m
a good judge of character and I instantly warmed to Jack. I liked seeing how he
interacted with Jax. I hadn’t saved his number in my phone though so I do that
now and then send him a simple reply.

Yes I am. Thank you, 4 everything.

Saturday 18
^th
April 2015

10:05am

I
t was overwhelming to see my
beautiful bronzed bestie last night. Collecting her from the airport was
emotional to say the least. It was as though we were being reunited after
weeks, not days. I felt like a shook up can of fizzy pop, waiting for her to
yank the ring pull. I naïvely thought I could actually make it to cuddle her
before I broke down but the second my eyes landed on her, it was all over.

Once I’d composed myself, I told
her we’d talk about it at home and closed the subject. It was only when she was
wiping my tears with a tissue that I properly noticed the new purple streaks
running through her hair. I suppose she was overdue an injection of colour.

Wills recapped her week throughout
the journey home from Birmingham Airport. She told me about the funeral again, the
people she’d met and food she’d eaten. I listened and laughed at her story
about being saved by a handsome waiter after choking on a shrimp in her paella.
I was appreciative of being in her carefree presence again. I find it comforting.
Being with her feels like being back on home turf again. I became more grounded
rather than riding on the tidal wave that was the only form of transport in
Jax’s world.

When we got home, we dumped her
cases in the entranceway and got showered, donning our onesies. I gave her the
choice of wine and chocolates or hot chocolate and ice-cream. She opted for the
latter and I know it was more for my benefit. We settled into our usual spots
in the lounge, cross legged on the floor facing each other. Wills vetoed my “Sons
of Anarchy”
marathon idea and got to telling me her big news.

Sonia is moving back to England.

She is going to stay with Wills temporarily.
Apparently after lots of late night chats, she made her mom realise that a life
in Valencia was her grandfather’s life, not hers. Sonia moved over there a year
ago to care for her father until his recent demise. Wills hinted that there may
be unfinished business between her parents, which she hadn’t known about. She
thinks that played a part in Sonia’s initial resistance to come back. But,
after falling victim to Wills persuasive charms, she eventually caved.

Sonia arrives next week as soon
as she’s finished dealing with her father’s financial affairs. I’m so happy for
Wills. I think this’ll be great for her. It also reminds me to knock the dust
off my plans and start actively looking for a place to rent. That’s not because
two’s company and three’s a crowd, Sonia is awesome like her daughter. But
hearing of her news to move on just reminds me that that’s exactly what I should
be doing.

Gradually I opened up to Wills
about my relationship with Jax. She’d obviously figured out we’d slept together
by this point. She patiently listened, probing but not pressurising me for
details.

Reminiscing caused me to
seamlessly fall back into those recent life altering memories and what an
amazing time I’ve had. It was great to be the one sharing some passionate
encounters for a change, when I’m usually the one listening. I didn’t divulge
all
the dirty details but just gave enough away for her to understand how
incredible it’s been.

In the space of a couple of
hours, I watched Wills’ reactions go through the same emotions I’ve felt over
this last week. As I spoke, she moved from confusion to concern, from excited
to happy. Shortly afterwards she reversed back through the emotions and landing
slap bang in the middle of a shitload of confusion.

Partway through, Wills stopped me
mid-sentence and hit me with;
“Beth, you’re in love with him. You’ve fallen
in love with him haven’t you?”
It took me by surprise, hearing the words
aloud. I was in the midst of telling her about how Jax had stepped in when that
dickhead grabbed me at the 24/7 party.

After tripping over my words,
trying to find the right ones to somehow make it seem less ludicrous and more
justifiable, Wills held my hand and simply said,
“It’s okay. It’s more than
okay, it’s wonderful. Love is a beautiful thing.”

My response? I sobbed, big fat
tears. I told her that I truly felt like a moth to a flame. It’s as though any
decisions concerning Jax have never been mine to make. Things just keep falling
into place and we’ve let them. I was drawn to him from the second I laid my
naïve eyes on him and I haven’t stopped since. Like a moth to a flame, I have accepted
the inevitable; that I will get hurt in the end.

I completely avoided the whole
craziness around Jax getting stabbed and me getting warned off by the ice queen
herself, Carmel. That was to protect Jax’s privacy and not because I wanted to
stand by Carmel telling me to forget what I’d seen…

I suppose my trio of 4x4 orgasms
was also private but that kind of personal is forgivable when it comes to
retelling unimaginable sexual moments of your life with your best friend.

Once we’d seen the bottom of two
mugs of hot chocolate and a tub of cookie dough ice-cream, we hugged at the top
of the stairs and went to bed. I was emotionally exhausted and mentally
drained.

That’s when I allowed Thursday
night to slowly crawl back into my mind’s eye from the blurry patch I’d shoved
it at the back of my head. Maybe it was because I hadn’t got it off my chest
during my regurgitation with Wills, I felt I needed to relive it.

Some parts are more vivid than
others, like the sight of Jax’s blood rinsing away from my hands, swirling down
the plughole. Or the piercing protectiveness in his eyes when he looked after
me, whilst I was trying to look after him. I promised him that night, when I
kissed his soft lips, that everything was going to be okay.

I told him I’d fallen in love
with him and then retracted it with my next breath. But nevertheless, I still
put it out there and swiftly followed it up by running out on him without even saying
goodbye.
Incidentally Bethany, all this happened whilst he still had a fucking
knife sticking into of him.

Major fuck up on my part. I
panicked and bailed, lamely convincing myself I was doing the right thing. I
wasn’t, it was the coward’s way out and I grabbed it with both hands and ran,
leaving the sneering look on Carmel’s face tainting my last images of Jax’s
place.

I draw my strength from his
strength, which ironically makes him my weakness. But now’s the time for me to
woman
up
. He hasn’t reached out to me yet and I’m hoping that’s because he’s
recuperating. I need to speak to him. No, in fact, I need to listen to him, to hopefully
be reassured by the warmth of his voice.

God, I miss the sound of his
voice. I miss the delicious authoritative tone he uses during sex or the
playful tone that comes out when we’re messing around.

I’m still lying in bed, looking
and feeling like crap but Fuck It, I’m going to call him whilst I’m in this
frame of mind. I don’t want to give myself the chance to chicken out.

Before I know it, the phone is at
my ear calling Jax but it flicks straight to voicemail. I immediately call Jack
instead and he answers on the second ring.

“Bethany?”

“Hey, how’s the patient?”

“He’s doing well, provided he’s under
close supervision.”

“Why’s that?”

That doesn’t sound good.

“Oh no sorry, it’s nothing
medical. It’s more like babysitting duties now because he is pig-headed and
finds it difficult to follow instructions and rest. Anyway, Bethany, how are
you doing sweetheart?”

That was so much more than a
casual ‘how are you doing?’ I feel like he knows something I don’t.

“Okay, I guess. I’m sorry, you
know, that I left. I think it got a bit too much for me. I didn’t want to
interrupt. I should’ve come and spoken to him, I realise that now. Is he mad
with me?”

“Do you want to ask him that
yourself, he is right here—Bethany?”

“Erm—does he
want
to talk
to me?”

Jack doesn’t answer immediately,
I wonder if he’s asking Jax. I hear the whirring of the overhead fan, which
means they’re in Jax’s bedroom.

“B?” Double shit… I bolt upright
in bed with my heart already sprinting ahead on the sound of Jax’s voice.

“Hey G—” Caught unawares, the butterflies
in my tummy are frantically bumping into each other, going berserk. I feel stupidly
nervous. “It’s good to hear your voice.”

“Likewise.”

I hear him asking Jack to give
him a minute.

“So I hear you’re doing well.”

“I am, yes. B, we need to talk.”

“We are talking.”

“No, face to face. Here. Can you
come over, please?”

“I don’t think that’s a good
idea. I—”

“—did she say something to you?”
Oh God. Is this where he tells me that Carmel and him have some sort of long
term twisted on-off relationship and he wants to terminate the ‘with-benefits’ element
of our friendship… “Well, did she?”

“Yeah.”

He lets out a faded exasperated
sigh and then puts the phone back to his mouth.

“Will you come over?”

“Wouldn’t you prefer to wait a
few more days until you’re feeling better?” Why am I trying to delay this? “Me
and you aren’t important. No, I didn’t mean… I mean right now… I mean you’re
more important than me, than us…
F-fuck
. When?”

“Now?”

The short pause and wobble in his
voice tells me he’s amused. He likes it when I get flustered. He says it’s
endearing. Nobody gets me flustered the way he does, which is strange
considering nobody actually
gets me
the way he does. I think it’s just
an emotions thing. Any emotion I feel is magnified when it’s got something to
do with Jax.

“Can you pass the phone back to
Jack please?”

“O-okay.”

I hear him call Jack, who must’ve
left the bedroom.

“Bethany?”

“Hey, is he up for visitors?”

“Yes, yes of course sweetheart.”

“And it’s just you two?”

“Yes.”

Thank God. The way Jack drags out
that one syllable tells me he knows exactly what and why I was asking.

“Okay, I’ll see you soon.”

“Oh and Bethany, don’t forget to
bring your nurses uniform?”

“Very funny. I don’t think that’s
what he’s got in mind somehow.”

“Who said anything about him?”

“Goodbye,
doctor!
”