Fakes: An Anthology of Pseudo-Interviews, Faux-Lectures, Quasi-Letters, "Found" Texts, and Other Fraudulent Artifacts (29 page)
Authors: David Shields,Matthew Vollmer
40
The Index
J. G. Ballard
EDITOR’S NOTE.
From abundant internal evidence it seems clear that the text printed below is the index to the unpublished and perhaps suppressed autobiography of a man who may well have been one of the most remarkable figures of the twentieth century. Yet of his existence nothing is publicly known, although his life and work appear to have exerted a profound influence on the events of the past fifty years. Physician and philosopher, man of action and patron of the arts, sometime claimant to the English throne and founder of a new religion, Henry Rhodes Hamilton was evidently the intimate of the greatest men and women of our age. After World War II he founded a new movement of spiritual regeneration, but private scandal and public concern at his growing megalomania, culminating in his proclamation of himself as a new divinity, seem to have led to his downfall. Incarcerated within an unspecified government institution, he presumably spent his last years writing his autobiography of which this index is the only surviving fragment.
A substantial mystery still remains. Is it conceivable that all traces of his activities could be erased from our records of the period? Is the suppressed autobiography itself a disguised
roman à clef,
in which the fictional hero exposes the secret identities of his historical contemporaries? And what is the true role of the indexer himself, clearly a close friend of the writer, who first suggested that he embark on his autobiography? This ambiguous and shadowy figure has taken the unusual step of indexing himself into his own index. Perhaps the entire compilation is nothing more than a figment of the overwrought imagination of some deranged lexicographer. Alternatively, the index may be wholly genuine, and the only glimpse we have into a world hidden from us by a gigantic conspiracy, of which Henry Rhodes Hamilton is the greatest victim.
A
Acapulco, 143
Acton, Harold, 142–7, 213
Alcazar, Siege of, 221–5
Alimony, HRH pays, 172, 247, 367, 453
Anaxagoras, 35, 67, 69–78, 481
Apollinaire, 98
Arden, Elizabeth, 189, 194, 376–84
Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas, The
(Stein), 112
Avignon, birthplace of HRH, 9–13; childhood holidays, 27; research at Pasteur Institute of Ophthalmology, 101; attempts to restore anti-Papacy, 420–35
B
Bal Musette, Paris, 98
Balliol College, Oxford, 69–75, 231
Beach, Sylvia, 94–7
Berenson, Bernard, conversations with HRH, 134; offer of adoption, 145; loan of Dürer etching, 146; law-suits against HRH, 173–85
Bergman, Ingrid, 197, 234, 267
Biarritz, 123
Blixen, Karen von (Isak Dinesen), letters to HRH, declines marriage proposal, 197
Byron, Lord, 28, 76, 98, 543
C
Cambodia, HRH plans journey to, 188; crashes aircraft, 196; writes book about, 235; meetings with Malraux, 239; capture by insurgents, 253; escape, 261; writes second book about, 283
Cap d’Antibes, 218
Charing Cross Hospital Medical School, 78–93
Charterhouse, HRH enters, 31; academic distinction, 38; sexual crisis, 43; school captain, 44
Chiang Kai-shek, interviewed by HRH, 153; HRH and American arms embargo, 162; HRH pilots to Chungking, 176; implements land-reform proposals by HRH, 178; employs HRH as intermediary with Chou En-lai, 192
Churchill, Winston, conversations with HRH, 221; at Chequers with HRH, 235; spinal tap performed by HRH, 247; at Yalta with HRH, 298; “iron curtain” speech, Fulton, Missouri, suggested by HRH, 312; attacks HRH in Commons debate, 367
Cocteau, Jean, 187
Cunard, Nancy, 204
D
D-Day, HRH ashore on Juno Beach, 223; decorated, 242
Dalai Lama, grants audience to HRH, 321; supports HRH’s initiatives with Mao Tse-tung, 325; refuses to receive HRH, 381
Darwin, Charles, influence on HRH, 103; repudiated by HRH, 478
de Beauvoir, Simone, 176
de Gaulle, Charles, conversations with HRH, 319–47, 356–79, 401
Dealey Plaza (Dallas, Texas), rumored presence of HRH, 435
Dietrich, Marlene, 234, 371, 435
E
Ecclesiastes, Book of, 87
Eckhart, Meister, 265
Einstein, Albert, first Princeton visit by HRH, 203; joint signatory with HRH and R. Niebuhr of Roosevelt petition, 276; second and third Princeton visits, 284; death-bed confession to HRH, 292
Eisenhower, Gen. Dwight D., 218, 227, 232
Eliot, T. S., conversations with HRH, 209; suppresses dedication of
Four Quartets
to HRH, 213
Ellis, Havelock, 342
Everest, Mt., 521
F
Fairbanks, Douglas, 281
Faulkner, William, 375
Fermi, Enrico, reveals first controlled fission reaction to HRH, 299; terminal cancer diagnosed by HRH, 388; funeral eulogy read by HRH, 401
Fleming, Sir Alexander, credits HRH, 211
Ford, Henry, 198
Fortune
(magazine), 349
Freud, Sigmund, receives HRH in London, 198; conducts analysis of HRH, 205; begins
Civilization and its Discontents
, 230; admits despair to HRH, 279
G
Gandhi, Mahatma, visited in prison by HRH, 251; discusses Bhagavad-gita with HRH, 253; has dhoti washed by HRH, 254; denounces HRH, 256
Garbo, Greta, 381
George V, secret visits to Chatsworth, 3, 4–6; rumored liaison with Mrs. Alexander Hamilton, 7; suppresses court circular, 9; denies existence of collateral Battenburg line to Lloyd George, 45
Goldwyn, Samuel, 397
Grenadier Guards, 215–18
Gstaad, 359
H
Hadrian IV, Pope, 28, 57, 84, 119, 345–76, 411, 598
Hamilton, Alexander, British Consul, Marseilles, 1, 3, 7; interest in topiary, 2; unexpected marriage, 3; depression after birth of HRH, 6; surprise recall to London, 12; first nervous breakdown, 16; transfer to Tsingtao, 43
Hamilton, Alice Rosalind (later Lady Underwood), private education, 2; natural gaiety, 3; first marriage annulled, 4; enters London society, 5; beats George V at billiards, 5, 7, 9, 23; second marriage to Alexander Hamilton, 3; dislike of Marseilles, 7; premature birth of HRH, 8; divorce, 47; third marriage to Sir Richard Underwood, 48
Hamilton, Henry Rhodes, accident-proneness, 118; age, sensitiveness about, 476; belief in telepathy, 399; childhood memories, 501; common man, identification with, 211; courage: moral, 308; physical, 201; generosity, 99; Goethe, alleged resemblance to, 322; hobbies, dislike of, 87; illnesses: concussion, 196; hypertension, 346; prostate inflammation, 522; venereal disease, 77; integrity, 89; languages, mastery of, 176; Orient, love of, 188; patriotism, renunciation of, 276; public speaking, aptitude for, 345; self-analysis, 234–67; underdog, compassion for, 176; will-power, 87
Hamilton, Indira, meets HRH in Calcutta, 239; translates at Gandhi interviews, 253; imprisoned with HRH by British, 276; marries HRH, 287; on abortive Everest expedition, 299; divorces HRH, 301
Hamilton, Marcelline (formerly Marcelline Renault), abandons industrialist husband, 177; accompanies HRH to Angkor, 189; marries HRH, 191; amuses Ho Chi Minh, 195; divorces HRH, 201
Hamilton, Ursula (later Mrs. Mickey Rooney), 302–7; divorces HRH, 308
Hamilton, Zelda, rescued from orphanage by HRH, 325; visit to Cape Kennedy with HRH, 327; declines astronaut training, 328; leads International Virgin Bride campaign, 331; arrested with HRH by Miami police, 344; Frankfurt police, 359; divorces HRH, 371; wins Miss Alabama contest, 382; go-go dancer, 511; applies for writ of habeas corpus, 728
Harriman, Averell, 432
Harry’s Bar, Venice, 256
Hayworth, Rita, 311
Hemingway, Ernest, first African safari with HRH, 234; at Battle of the Ebro with HRH, 244; introduces HRH to James Joyce, 256; portrays HRH in
The Old Man and the Sea
, 453
Hiroshima, HRH observes atomic cloud, 258
Hitler, Adolf, invites HRH to Berchtesgaden, 166; divulges Russia invasion plans, 172; impresses HRH, 179; disappoints HRH, 181
Hydrogen Bomb, HRH calls for world moratorium on manufacture, 388
I
Impostors, HRH troubled by, 157, 198, 345, 439
Inchon, Korea, HRH observes landings with Gen. MacArthur, 348
Interlaken, Bruno Walter lends villa to HRH, 401
International Congress of Psychoanalysis, HRH stages antipsychiatry demonstration, 357
Ives, Burl, 328
J
Jerusalem, HRH establishes collegium of Perfect Light Movement, 453; attempted intercession by HRH in Arab–Israeli war, 444; HRH designs tomb, 478
Jesus Christ, HRH compared to by Malraux, 476
Jodrell Bank Radio-Telescope, 501
Joyce, James, 256
Juan-les-Pins, 347
Jupiter, planet, HRH suggests existence of extra-terrestrial observers, 331; urges re-direction of space program to, 342
K
Kennedy, Cape, HRH leads Perfect Light Movement demonstration, 411
Kennedy, John F., President, declines to receive HRH, 420; ignores danger warnings, 425; mourned by HRH, 444
Kierkegaard, Søren, 231
Koran, 118
L
Lancaster, Mrs. Burt, 411
Lawrence, T. E., HRH compared to by Koestler, 334
Lévi-Strauss, C., 422
Life
(magazine), 199, 243, 331, 357, 432
Limited Editions Club, 345
Louis XIV, 501
M
Malraux, André, 239, 345, 399, 476
Mann Act, HRH charged under, 345
McCall’s
(magazine), 201, 234, 329, 333
Menninger Clinic, HRH confined, 477; receives treatment, 479–85; discharged, 491; re-admitted, 495
Menuhin, Yehudi, lends Palm Springs villa to HRH, 503
Metro–Goldwyn–Mayer, offer to HRH, 511
Miranda, Carmen, 377
N
NATO, 331, 356, 571
Nice, 45
Niebuhr, R., conversations with HRH, 270–5; admiration for HRH, 216; lends villa to HRH, 288; expresses reservations about HRH, 291
Nietzsche, 99
Nobel Prize, HRH nominated for, 220, 267, 342, 375, 459, 611
O
Oberammergau, 117
Oedipus Complex, 42–9, 87, 451
Old Bailey, first trial of HRH, 531; prosecution case, 533–7; hung jury, 541; second trial, 555; surprise intervention of Attorney-General, 561; acquittal of HRH, 564
Oswald, Lee Harvey, befriended by HRH, 350; inspired by HRH, 354; discusses failure of the Presidency with HRH, 357–61; invites HRH to Dallas, 372
Oxford Book of Religious Verse
, 98, 116
P
Pasternak, Boris, conversations with HRH, 341–4
Paul VI, Pope, praises Perfect Light Movement, 462; receives HRH, 464; attacked by HRH, 471; deplores messianic pretensions of HRH, 487; criticizes Avignon counter-papacy established by HRH, 498; excommunicates HRH, 533
Perfect Light Movement, conceived by HRH, 398; launched, 401; charitable activities praised by Nehru, Lyndon B. Johnson, Pierre Trudeau, 423; medical mission to Biafra, 456; criticized by International Red Cross, 477; denounced by World Council of Churches, 499; criminal prosecution of, 544; disbandment, 566; reconstituted, 588; designated a religion by HRH, 604; first crusade against Rome, 618; infiltrated by CIA, 622
Pill, the, denounced by HRH, 611
Q
Quai d’Orsay, expresses alarm at HRH initiatives in Third World, 651; concludes secret accords with Britain, United States and USSR, 666
Quixote, Don, HRH compared to by Harold Macmillan, 421
R
Rapallo, HRH convalesces in, 321
Readers’ Digest
(magazine), 176
Rockefeller Foundation, dissociates itself from HRH, 555
Rubinstein, Helena, 221, 234, 242
S
Schweitzer, Albert, receives HRH, 199; performs organ solo for HRH, 201; discusses quest for the historical Jesus with HRH, 203–11; HRH compared to by Leonard Bernstein, 245; expels HRH, 246
Sex-change, rumored operation on HRH, 655
Stanwyck, Barbara, 248
Stork Club, 231
T
Tangier, secret visit by HRH, 653–5
Technology, HRH renunciation of, 409
Telepathy, HRH interest in, 241; conducts experiments, 349–57; claims powers of, 666; Tenth Convocation of Perfect Light Movement, 672; proclamation of HRH’s divinity, 685
Time
(magazine), cover stories on HRH, 267, 359, 492, 578, 691
Tynan, Kenneth, 451
U
United Nations Assembly, seized by Perfect Light Movement, 695–9; HRH addresses, 696; HRH calls for world war against United States and USSR, 698
V
Versailles, Perfect Light Movement attempts to purchase, 621
Vogue
(magazine), 356
W
Westminster Abbey, arrest of HRH by Special Branch, 704
Wight, Isle of, incarceration of HRH, 712–69
Windsor, House of, HRH challenges legitimacy of, 588
Y
Yale Club, 234
Younghusband, Lord Chancellor, denies star chamber trial of HRH, 722; denies knowledge of whereabouts of HRH, 724; refuses habeas corpus appeal by Zelda Hamilton, 728; refers to unestablished identity of HRH, 731
Z
Zanuck, Darryl F., 388
Zielinski, Bronislaw, suggests autobiography to HRH, 742; commissioned to prepare index, 748; warns of suppression threats, 752; disappears, 761
Further Reading:
An Incomprehensive List of
Additional Fraudulent Artifacts
INSTRUCTIONS
Eric D. Anderson, “The Instructions”
Rick DeMarinis, “Rudderless Fiction: Lesson One”
Junot D
í
az, “How to Date a Brown Girl (blackgirl, whitegirl, or halfie)”
Becky Hagenston, “How to Keep Busy While Your Fiancé Climbs Mt. Everest”
Shelley Jackson, “The Putti”
Lucy A. Snyder, “Installing Linux in a Dead Badger”
Teddy Wayne, “Rules and Regulations for Benehmen!, the German Board Game of Discipline”
Laura Madeline Wiseman, “How to Measure Your Breast Size”
INTERVIEWS AND INTERROGATIONS
Charles Baxter, “The Lawrence Quint Interview”
Wendy Brenner, “Questions for the Lawyer” (written on cocktail napkin for
Esquire
)
Ben Marcus, “On Not Growing Up”
Julie Schumacher, “An Explanation for Chaos”
David Foster Wallace,
Brief Interviews with Hideous Men
(excerpt)
GUIDES
Jonathan Safran Foer, “A Primer for Punctuation of Heart Disease”
Amelia Gray, “Trip Advisory: The Boyhood Home of Former President Ronald Reagan”
Thomas Hopkins,
“
An American Casanova in New York
, by Balthus Poindexter: A Reading Group Guide”
INTRODUCTIONS
R. M. Berry, “History”
Marsha Koretzky, “Kurt Vonnegut Didn’t Know Doodly-Squat about Writing”
INQUIRIES, ASSIGNMENTS, AND STORY PROBLEMS
Peter Cherches, “Reading Comprehension”
Ian Frazier, “Have You Ever?”
Myla Goldberg, “Comprehension Test”
A. B. Paulson, “The Minnesota Multiphasic Personality: A Diagnostic Test in Two Parts”
Padgett Powell,
The Interrogative Mood: A Novel?
(excerpt)
ASSESSMENTS
Chris Bachelder, “On a Difficult Sentence in
Gatsby
”
R. M. Berry, “Second Story”
Brian Evenson, “Moran’s Mexico: A Refutation, by C. Stelzmann”
Ralph Gamelli, “The Stick, Recently Inducted into the Toy Hall of Fame, Is Now Available at Amazon.com”
Alix Ohlin, “An Analysis of Some Troublesome Recent Behavior”
Naomi J. Williams, “The Report”
DESCRIPTIONS & EXPLANATIONS
Ron Carlson, “The Disclaimer”
Amelia Gray, “Code of Operation: Snake Farm”
Shelley Jackson, “Dildo”
Ben Marcus, “The New Female Head”
Stephen Millhauser, “A Game of Clue”
V. S. Naipaul, “The Night Watchman’s Occurrence Book”
Daniel Orozco, “Orientation”
J. David Stevens, “What We Sell in the Room Today”
TRANSCRIPTS
Chris Bachelder, “Deep Wells, USA”
Arthur C. Clarke, “The Shining Ones”
Don DeLillo, “Videotape”
John Griswold, “Transcript of a World War I Veteran’s Narrative: Nickelton, Kentucky”
Matthew Vollmer, “Man-O’-War”
HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS
Caitlin Horrocks, “It Looks Like This”
Eric Puchner, “Essay #3: Leda and the Swan”
NOTES
Rick Moody, “The Preliminary Notes”
Keith Lee Morris, “Notes for an Aborted Story Called ‘The Cyclist’ That Turned Out to Be Too Much Like ‘The Swimmer’”
Robert Anthony Siegel, “The Memoirs of Edwin Chester, Who Would Have Discovered the Origin of Species Had His Place on
HMS Beagle
Not Been Taken by Charles Darwin”
LISTS
Donald Barthelme, “The Glass Mountain”
Roxane Gay, “You Never Knew How the Waters Ran So Cruel So Deep”
Wendy Rawlings, “The Fleischer/Giaccondo Online Gift Registry”
ADDRESSES
Sean Adams, “I Remember When I Was Your Age, Twin Brother”
Ron Carlson, “Gold Lunch”
Jason Grunebaum, “Major Nixon”
Pat Kewley, “A Hot Air Balloon Captain Addresses His Crew on the Eve of a Very Important Hot Air Balloon Race”
Colin Nissan, “It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers”
Joyce Carol Oates, “Ladies and Gentlemen”
Teddy Wayne, “Okay, America: We’re Turning Everything into Vampires”
OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS
Amie Barrodale, “Prospectus”
Janet Burroway, “Report on Professional Activities”
Doug Dorst, “Splitters: H. A. Quilcock’s Profiles in Botany: A Lost Manuscript Restored”
Ian Frazier, “Coyote v. Acme”
Heidi Julavits, “Marry the One Who Gets There First: Outtakes from the Sheidegger–Krupnik Wedding Album”
Stewart O’Nan, “Report on the Traffic Fatality Involving Lady Diana Spencer”
Alexi Zentner, “The Adjuster”
SYLLABUS
Ron Carlson, “Syllabus”
CORRESPONDENCE
Rosellen Brown, “Inter-Office”
Tessa Brown, “In Reference to Your Recent Communications”
Ron Carlson, “Recommendation for Gordon Lee Bunsen”
Raymond Carver, “Why, Honey?”
Dave Eggers, “Letters from Steven, a Dog, to Captains of Industry”
Nell Freudenberger, “Letter to the Last Bastion”
Amelia Gray, “This Quiet Complex”
Gabe Hudson, “Dear Mr. President”
Michael Kimball, “Excerpts from the Suicide Letters of Jonathon Bender (b.1967–d.2000)”
Alyce Miller, “Aftershock”
Alice Munro, “A Wilderness Station”
George Saunders, “Ask the Optimist!”
David Shields, “Comp Lit 101: Walt Grows Up”
David Shields, “Possible Postcards from Rachel, Abroad”
Joe Wenderoth, “Letter of Recommendation”
WEBSITE
Rob Wittig, “The Fall of the Site of Marsha,” http://www.robwit.net/MARSHA/
NEWSLETTERS
Meg Favreau, “The San Diego Snake Company’s September Newsletter”
Allan Gurganus, “Preservation News”
STYLE GUIDE
Ron Carlson, “My True Style Guide”
COMPENDIUM
Michael Parrish Lee, “The People Catalogue”
Joanna Ruocco,
A Compendium of Domestic Incidents
(excerpt)
FAQS
Ben Doller (previously Doyle), “FAQ”
EBAY LISTING
Patrick Madden, “Writer Michael Martone’s Leftover Water”
HOLY SCRIPTURES
Kevin Brockmeier, “The Jesus Stories”
A. J. Packman, “First Drafts of the Parables of Jesus”
J. M. Tyree, “The First Book of the Chronicles of the Cola Wars”
SCREENPLAY
Amelia Gray, “The Pit”
CASE STUDY
Steven Millhauser, “Phantoms”
ENCYCLOPEDIA ENTRY
China Miéville, “Entry Taken from a Medical Encyclopedia”
DIARIES
Amelia Gray, “Diary of the Blockage”
China Miéville, “Details”
SUBMISSIONS
Oyl Miller, “A Cover Letter from an Art Major Seeking a Job that Literally Requires Him to Apply the Skills He Learned in School”
Jack Pendarvis, “Sex Devil”
PERSONALS
Frank Ferri, “Selected Personals from the American Psychiatric Association’s Dating Website”
ANNOTATIONS
Jonathan Lethem, “Liner Note”
Rick Moody, “Wilkie Fahnstock, The Boxed Set”
INDEXES/TABLE OF CONTENTS
Matt Bell, “An Index of How Our Family Was Killed”
Christopher Hellwig,
An Archive from the Lives of Retired Gunslingers
(excerpt)
Lance Olsen, “Table of Contents”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Michael Martone, “Acknowledgment”
BOOK-LENGTH WORKS
Kate Bernheimer,
The Complete Tales of Ketzia Gold
;
The Complete Tales of Merry Gold
Roberto Bolano,
The Savage Detectives
;
Nazi Literature in the Americas
Jorge Luis Borges,
The Book of Imaginary Beings
Christopher Boucher,
How to Keep Your Volkswagen Alive
Robert Olen Butler,
Had a Good Time
A. S. Byatt,
Possession
Italo Calvino,
The Castle of Crossed Destinies
Mary Caponegro,
The Complexities of Intimacy
Jerome Charyn,
The Tar Baby
Stanley Crawford,
The Log of the S. S. the Mrs. Unguentine
Stanley Crawford,
Petroleum Man
Stanley Crawford,
Some
Instructions to My Wife Concerning the Upkeep of the House and Marriage, and to My Son and Daughter Concerning the Conduct of Their Childhood
Mark Z. Danielewski,
House of Leaves
;
The Whalestoe Letters
Charles Duff,
A Handbook on Hanging
Max Ernst,
The Hundred-Headed Woman
;
A Week of Kindness
Richard Flanagan,
Gould’s Book of Fish: A Novel in 12 Fish
Matthew Geller,
Difficulty Swallowing: A Medical Chronicle
Lauren Groff,
The Monsters of Templeton
Steven Hall,
The Raw Shark Texts
B. S. Johnson,
The Unfortunates
Michael Kimball,
Dear Everybody
Sam Lipsyte,
Home Land
Alison Lurie,
The Truth About Lorin Jones
Kuzhali Manickavel,
Insects Are Just Like You and Me Except Some of Them Have Wings
Stephen Marche,
Shining at the Bottom of the Sea
Michael Martone,
The Blue Guide to Indiana
Carole Maso,
The Art Lover
Kevin McIlvoy,
The Complete History of New Mexico
McSweeney’s
, issue 17
Steven Millhauser,
Edwin Mullhouse: The Life and Death of an American Writer 1943–1954 by Jeffrey Cartwright
David Mitchell,
Cloud Atlas
Vladimir Nabokov,
Pale Fire
Georges Perec,
Life: A User’s Manual
W. G. Sebald,
The Emigrants
;
The Rings of Saturn
Leanne Shapton,
Important Artifacts and Personal Property from the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion, and Jewelry . . .
Gilbert Sorrentino,
Aberration of Starlight
;
Lunar Follies
;
Mulligan Stew
Bram Stoker,
Dracula
Mark Twain,
Diaries of Adam and Eve
Colson Whitehead,
John Henry Days
