Faithless (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (55 page)

“Pixy,” Wil begins, and that one word kills me. “How are you doing? You doing okay?”

Wil tries to put his arm around me
, and all I see is his hands touching my mother’s breasts, between her legs. As Wil speaks, I see those same lips touching my mother’s flesh. I feel sick. I lean to the side so Wil’s arm lands on the back of my chair. That arm belongs to my mother- it will never offer me pleasure or comfort. I can still feel the warmth of Wil’s body, but thank goodness he’s not touching me now.

“I’m fine,” I lie, covering the need to vomit. I have nothing in my belly, so it would hurt like a sonofabitch. “Just another day in the neighborhood- rape, murder, meetings, punishments, attempted murder, and allies bleeding out on a filthy street. Nothing out of the norm, right there,” I sarcastically say.

“Is your boyfriend going to be okay?” Wil asks in a tight voice.

“Boyfriend?” That gets my attention enough that I actually meet Wil’s pale gaze.

“Roman- I didn’t want you to think I hurt him because I was jealous or anything,” Wil bashfully says as if he’s embarrassed.

“Alright, back the fuck up?” I impatiently say. “First of all, Roman is touch and go. We won’t know for a few days if he’s going to make it. Second, there wouldn’t be a reason on this planet that I’d ever think you’d be jealous over me. Third, where the hell did this boyfriend shit come from? I don’t even have a friend, boy or girl, let alone a boyfriend.” I hate that my voice breaks from loneliness and sadness over that simple truth- whatever.

“Grant only chose Roman as his enforcer because you convinced him- because he is your boyfriend,” Wil nearly growls.

I laugh.

I laugh so hard people are staring at me from the nurse’s station and Wil is grinding his teeth. I see the barely contained violence shine from Wil’s creepy eyes and it seems funny for some reason. Wil ain’t shit compared to the past few days I’ve lived. I used to think Wil was a badass motherfucker. I’ve bypassed my so-called partner in street cred now. I dry my eyes with the cuff of my borrowed sweatshirt and sigh.

“Wow…” I drawl out
and cough a little. “The bullshit sure does get spread pretty thick,” I say with a snort. “My God, it must stink at the Meyers’ residence.” I snort again. “I realize they don’t know I’m at Stanton’s. I bet they are saying I’m screwing Grant, too,” I snarl. The look on Wil’s face explains it all, and he is wicked jealous. That jealousy satisfies me in a sadistic sort of way that floods my veins with pleasure. Wil should hurt some, too.

“This is no fucking joke,” Wil spits out
, and it only makes me laugh harder.

“Well,
it’s a joke for me. If they only knew the totalitarian society I’ve been living under. I had one absentee father growing up, and now I have two
very
present fathers. I deal with a daddy that coddles and cuddles and a father that is a lecturing sexist mob boss with massive control issues- and they both are suffocating. Do you honestly think for a second that Stanton lets me take a shit unattended? I have a babysitter until I am literally babysitting Bianca, and sometimes even then.” I look at Wil with disgust that has nothing to do with sex or mothers. “Prisoners have more freedom.”

Wil’s scoff could mean so many things, and not one of them is nice. I take it to mean
hardly
. I roll my eyes at Wil. I can’t believe he has the audacity to question how I’m living my life- the rat bastard.

“Roman is Regina Regal’s childhood fri
end. Grant has been courting Roman as his enforcer for over four years- well before Grant was an elder. Roman has worked for Stanton… like forever. I was hoping to make a friend. But no worries, Roman sees me as you do- annoying. I need Roman to make a full recovery. I know he will be a good enforcer for Grant,” I assuredly say. “Grant needs protected because he’s protecting my brother and my sister.”

“I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions,” Wil whispers. Yet again his hand tries to touch my shoulder. I jump up from my chair like I was electrocuted and sit a few seats down so Wil can’t touch me again.

With an angry look of offence, Wil says, “What is that about?”

“I just can’t,” I
desperately whimper. “Please don’t touch me. I can’t take it right now.”

“Why?” Wil tightly says.

“You know why,” I sadly reply, looking Wil dead in the eyes.

“She said you saw…
but I didn’t want to believe her,” Wil breathes out, a pained expression flashing across his face. “I bit my tongue when you were with Ezra and Cortez,” Wil says in his defense for screwing my mother and it incinerates me.

My fingernails dig into my thighs, trying to ebb the needs to scream bloody murder. I lean over the seats separating us and fiercely whisper, “Because
you
whored me out to them. Don’t forget that part, Wil. I’ve never been with someone I wasn’t whored out to- even you,” I hiss. “I’m sure your lover told you to break me in so I’d finally screw Ezra.”

“Pixy,” Wil cries in a voice filled with pity and shame.

“Don’t,” I bite out, sitting back in my chair. “Don’t worry, Wil. Go home and tell the little lady that her daughter is being good. She has no interest in sex, relationships, boyfriends, or even friends. She’ll do Ezra when she’s captured- that’s it.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Wil sighs
, completely missing the mark. “Didn’t you read my note?”

“Yeah, you said you lie one hundred percent of the time but only ninety percent of the tim
e to me. I wanted to be a girl who believed in fairytales and empty promises until I noticed the part that was truth- the one hundred percent negates the ninety percent. Which made that part about the car a lie,” I snarl.

“Pixy, I swear to God,” Wil growls, but I cut him off.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah… where have I heard that before? You told me the truth when you didn’t know me yet, when you thought I was Fate. I annoyed you. The sound of my voice made your ears bleed and your dick shrivel up. My breathing inconvenienced you. You tried to smack the truth into my brain. Somehow I forgot all that as you were screwing me in your car. If you would’ve said that it was out of duty or some shit like I was doing with the boys, I might have understood. I still wouldn’t have touched you with a hazmat suit,” I shiver from the thought of my mother’s sloppy seconds. “But I wouldn’t have felt played and used. At least between Ez and me, we knew the real score.”

“I wasn’t playing you,” Wil’s voice is tinged in desperation. It’s hard to know truth from a lie anymore. I understand Stanton’s frustration with me. He can’t tell when I’m telling the truth or lying anymore either- holy hell, this fucking suck
s. It’s like always having to calculate someone’s motives based on their body language, not the words from their mouth.

“I wasn’t,” Wil almost whines when I don’t respond. He sounds like a little lost boy until I remembered the man who was pounding into Gwen so hard that the headboard was banging
into the wall. I hear her telling Wil to cum inside her. I think of the future sibling that could be growing in her belly right this second. Its cells duplicating into a human being with my DNA- a human being with Wil’s DNA- and it isn’t the child my juvenile fairytale mind created with that same DNA- it will be my brother or sister, not my kid.

I’m jealous… and it pisses me off.

“I thought you wanted me,” my breath hitches in my throat. “But then I remembered when we first met, and the painful lessons you bitch-slapped and shook into me. I realized that I was just that freaking naïve and stupid to think there was anything real between us. I guess that makes me that moron you called me.”

“I
need
to explain,” Wil tries again. This time I just look away and ignore him. “I was picked for her, just another of Mitchell’s orders. What was I supposed to do?”

I slowly turn and meet Wil’s
blue-white eyes. I faintly smile, feeling no pleasure, only pain. “Exactly what you did,” I say in a dead voice. “Screw Gwen… but you should have told me before I gave you my innocence. Unless I was a play, you should have just left me the hell alone. You shouldn’t have screwed me and made me think I did something wrong. I don’t think you understand how much that messed me up in the head. Wil, I can’t… I can’t… never mind. You don’t deserve to know that,” I mumble and look away, seeing nothing.

“You can’t what?” Wil softly says, mo
ving over a seat so we are side-by-side again.

“It doesn’t matter. It won’t change anything.” I sigh because it’s
about time I grew up. “I don’t hate you, okay? I get it. I understand having someone picked out for you and having no choice in the matter- been there, done that, hiding from rape-and-seek,” I humorlessly sing. “I wish I could say that seeing you enjoy it so enthusiastically didn’t hurt- that I don’t wish you’d hated it. But at the same time, the part of me that loves you as a friend is happy that it isn’t difficult for you. Because I know how difficult it can be,” I choke out. Wil tries to cut me off and I hold up a hand to stop him from talking.

“
I wish I hadn’t seen it,” I whimper. “I wish I hadn’t seen you and my mother when I needed someone more than life itself. I’d just… I’d just killed my momma,” I whisper. “And that was the first thing I saw afterwards. I felt betrayed and sick. But that doesn’t change anything. It taught me that I can’t rely on anyone.”

“
Fuck,” Wil hisses. I have to look away so I can control my emotions. Wil’s upset and I’m upset. Wil is supposed to be my partner. That means he’s supposed to be there for me when I really need him… and he wasn’t… he was betraying me in the worst way possible. I will never be able to forget that… or forgive it.

“I’m sorry,” Wil lamely offers. “I should have questioned why it was so important for her to come to me when she did.”

“It’s none of my business,” I flippantly say. “And I never want to hear about it,” I warn in a murderous tone.

“Please don’t touch me,” I
pitifully repeat when Wil’s hand tries to fold over mine in an innocent comforting touch that I would’ve allowed before… before. “That’s touched her,” I hoarsely whisper, rubbing my hand clean on my pant leg. I pull my sleeves down until my hands are covered. “Everyone I know has touched her,” I whimper. “Or been born of her… or is related to her… or has been broken by her. I really, really can’t be touched by you right now,” I warn Wil again.

“You’re disgusted, just like I knew you would be,” Wil bites out
, disappointed in me.

I pin Wil with my penetrative stare. “That look has nothing to do with you… it’s all for her. You don’t get it
,” I whine. “I can’t escape her… and even if I could escape her victims, her taint flows in my veins. You can defend her all you want- you can tell me it was Mitchell’s doing… but that changes nothing for me. I have
his
blood in my veins, too,” I cry, violently rubbing my hands down my pant legs, trying to cleanse them.

“Oh, God, Pixy,” Wil says in a panic. “Please calm down.” Wil tries to soothe me with his voice but it just makes me hurt more. Wil’s hands unsurely hover over my arms, not touching.

“I know I’m nothing to you, okay? I know you love her- I hear the deference in your voice every time you defend her, and I’ve experienced your punishing blows when I tried to hurt her. I don’t want to talk about her. I don’t want to think of you in bed with her. It’s none of my business. I’d rather be ignorant in this. You never offered me any promises or anything.”

“That’s not true,” Wil tries to explain again, but I don’t want to hear it
- it’s too late. Wil is tainted in my eyes now. He’s another one of her followers. Everything I hate is the epitome of Gwen. If Wil loves Gwen, we are enemies in my eyes.

“I was just being an idiot teenager, looking for a knight in shining armor when there is no such thing in life. I’m trying… I’m trying to not hurt. Don’t pity me because I’
m naïve.”

“I’ve never pitied you
, and you are not naïve.” Wil takes a deep breath, looks me in the eye and says, “It was just sex,” Wil admits.

“I know it was just sex,” I cry
in outrage, feeling hurt all over again to hear him admit it to my face. Wil relaxes as if relieved that I finally understand. “I was making it out to be more than it was. It won’t happen ever again, so what does it matter?”

“What?”
Wil yelps in confusion. “We need to go somewhere private. You’re not hearing me out. It’s getting twisted-”

“I don’t think so,” Stanton growls from above my head. I’m picked up and plunked down several chairs over. Stanton sits in the chair he yanked me from. His arm goes around Wil’s shoulders, fingers biting into the muscle until Wil winces.

“I let you be until you mentioned getting my ward alone. Syn may believe your bullshit and trust you, but I never will. Say what you will, but you’ll say it in front of me.”

“It’s private,” Wil says in frustration, finally getting a taste of the overprotective control freak known as Stanton.

“You’re eighteen now- a young man. You’re sniffing around a sixteen-year-old girl that I’m in charge of her wellbeing. Illegality aside, because far be it of me to talk about crime, you’re fucking Syn’s mind up. Be a man and walk away. I know all about Gwen,” Stanton warns. “There’s nothing you could tell me about that woman I don’t already know. If you’re screwing Gwen, the last thing her daughter needs is to be mentally screwed over by you. If you care about Syn, you’ll let her breathe.”