Fairy Circle (32 page)

“
Ny. Ny! Jethin has developed a relationship with her! If he tricks her well, she may not die! Did you not know of her meetings with him?”

Ny looked doubtful. “Oh, please. Not Jethin again
.
” Was this another ruse of Li’s?

But Li saw him falter. “Did you really not know what was going on with
your love
all of this time? Of course not! This is what I mean. You care nothing for her! Why do you not release her? Thanks to you, her soul fears death, it may cause her to make very rash decisions, decisions that are probably being offered to her with sugar and cream and blood! Ny, our Saffron would never entertain a vampire. You did this; I am sure. I am sure her defeated soul accepted Jethin only after you showed her the lake.”

Ny’s face drained of color; even his long, sooty lashes changed from black to gray. The veins under his rice-paper skin turned gray. How had everything turned into this? How had Saffron become this creature who caused him such pain? It was not fair! It was not their way! The way they had always chosen…a simple way, each acting a role, fulfilling basic needs. He half-fell and half-jumped from the tree. When he landed on the earth, his legs were splayed beneath him. His palms were before him, on the ground, supporting his weight. His fingers dug into the black earth. So that was the mystery; that was why he could not ease into her mind in these past countless months. She had saddled herself to one of the undead. Jethin had found her. How had Jethin found her? His head snapped round to stare at Li, his eyes like white-hot flames as he glared at her from under his dark brows. She stared off into nothingness, her hand still over her mouth.

Jethin’s persistence was entirely Li’s fault. Ny had barely known Jethin back in Ireland. Li was Molly and Ny had been Molly’s father. Usually, Ny liked to laugh about those times. Li, as Molly, had formed herself into such an angry slut that it was comical. And, when Jethin had killed Molly, then spiraled down into the world of the undead…well that was a story Jethin never tired of telling around the bonfire. He was not to blame for Saffron’s dalliances!

If Saffron became the undead, barred from his loins for all eternity, then Ny felt most certain he would snuff Li for it. He’d be branded a demon but it would be worth it. He could work at being a demon. He roared with fury and actual fire burst from his orifices, singeing the tender growth nearby.

Li’s whisper was hoarse. “Who was waiting for her on the shore?” Li knew she, herself, was certainly not there. Had Ny convinced any of the others to join his scheme? Souls soon to depart their human body have a dream just before death. It is a vision of a dark lake in the shadow of tall, dark mountains. All is blanketed by a black-domed sky pricked with a million stars. The moon is so large you can see every detail of the craters on the visible side; it glows with a light of such brilliance it illuminates a glass boat and the lake around it. There are neon fish that swim just below the surface.

When a person is about to die, that person has a vision of the lake, of themselves seated pleasantly in the glass boat being propelled forward by an unknown force toward the glittering moonlit sands of an unknown shore. As all the loved ones of that soul are notified of the impending arrival, they all gather on the beach to show that they are happy to see their beloved again. This is why humans are entranced by sandy beaches, why when one walks the beach at night his steps are as inspiring as a trek to forever.

This is the only way to die a peaceful death, to accept the inevitable without fear. When one has a vision of the lake
and
the crowded shore, they know at the very core of their heart, soul, and being, that they are loved and therefore have nothing to fear.

But Ny showed Saffron an empty shore.

Li felt fear creeping all over her. It was so unusual to feel fear again, like a coat of slime over her body; a sentient slime that tried to probe every inch of her. Anger, fear - these were not the emotions she so longed to feel again. She wept bitterly. Like a demon, she thrashed at the tree and gnashed her teeth.

“
The empty shore was no fault of mine, Li. Saffron pulled out of the trance before I could complete the message.”

“
A thief is not excused from breaking a window by accident when he only meant to rob the bank!” Her hands found her hair and pulled.

“
There was no one waiting on the shore, Li. I am truly sorry for that.” He rushed on. “At first I wanted her to see no one was on the shore. I wanted her to panic, just a little. Then I wanted her to see me, coming out of the mist - her savior. Then when she died, her soul would know…. She would believe…. She would think no one cared for her as I have cared for her…” It was no use; the last part of his speech did not come out as strongly as he had wanted it to. He had made a grave mistake, and now he knew it. “Her soul would know I was the only one there for her.” This last, he whispered without conviction.

“
What do you mean, ‘when she died;’ have you not stopped trying to coax her to her death?”

He shook his head like a naughty three-year-old, black waves sweeping back and forth over his forehead. “I have lessened my efforts. Those with her guard her very well on the full moon, and we both know I am not as effective on any other occasion.” He put up a finger. “She did fall asleep in the forest once. I almost succeeded then. But we were not alone and I think the dead may have helped her.”

Li looked at him sideways. “You will cause our sentence to lengthen by a hundred years.”

“
Who are you to speak? Consumer of rabbits. That too, condemns us.”

“
It is a lighter sentence, to consume the lower creatures. I cannot live without sensation. I need those rabbits. The sensations that their essence brings are exquisite, even if it is only for a short time. You only require to be fondled in dreams, but I want it all here, in our waking world - the smells, the tastes….” Li lay back on the earth and stared up into the growing dawn. Now, not only was Saffron’s soul preparing for death, it thought no one was waiting for it on the other side. Deep down, so deep that goodness and light could not reach it, Saffron’s soul felt utter despair and loneliness. And, as was natural for a soul to do, it would search for a way out of the pain.

Chapter 20

A
s Saffron flew toward her home, she felt the fury within her bubbling up and burning off the fog of fairy flight. Each time a wave of anger rolled through, she felt the tiny fairy hands grip her more tightly and pull her up to keep her afloat. Apparently, anger made souls heavy.

They pleaded with her. “Saffron, let go your rage. It is weighing you down. It is hurting us. We will not be able to keep you up if you do not let it go. You are going to fall and crash to the earth, Saffron….”

Suddenly, Saffron felt herself free-falling. Her gut rolled into her throat, ready to fly out through her lips. Terror replaced anger and Saffron’s descent accelerated. It sent her spiraling downwards like a falcon. The fairies flattened their wings against their backs and nosedived after her. They worked their magic on her terror-filled mind. Anger was able to burn their magic off, but terror was what they longed for. With terror, the fairies could easily slip inside and soothe her with their ancient and hypnotic magic. Saffron came to an abrupt stop just before she was impaled on the steepled point of a church spire. She bobbled clumsily in the air. All at once, the fairies were there, gathering her up again.

“
Let us help you,” they whispered. “Think of something peaceful. If you were to remain angry any longer, you would surely have plummeted all the way down…”

“
What does it matter?” Saffron brought her hands to her face and rubbed hard.

“
It matters, human.” A pink-skinned fairy fluttered directly in front of Saffron’s face. “You will feel the pain of the crash because your mind expects to feel the pain. Your soul is only temporarily out of your body. Your mind isn’t above making certain assumptions. Did Li not tell you this? Help yourself here, human child. You must not be guilty of making yourself suffer, lest you find yourself caught in the fairy realm.”

Saffron looked hard at the speaker. Confused, she nodded. She started to shake, aftershock from her near-death experience. She opted not to look down upon the little chapel just several feet below. She focused on a small mountain peak off in the distance. It was illuminated by the full moon. It reminded her of the chain of mountains that surrounded the lake full of the glowing fish. She concentrated on keeping this in her psyche. She hadn’t thought about the daydream since that weird day it happened, but now every detail was full and lush and wholly in her mind. She found that thinking of the velvet black waters and ring of solid ancient mountains soothed her.

Now her soul became so light that it flew up instead of down and just as quickly. She bulleted straight up into the sky so swiftly, that most of the fairies lost their touch on her. They gasped as they watched her fly up and away and out of reach. The others still adhered to her throttled-through open space as if they were clinging to a shooting star.

“
What is she doing?” one of them shrieked, “Is she thinking about what I think she is thinking about?”

“
Stop it…STOP IT, Saffron!” begged another fairy. “Your soul thinks it is dying. For the love of all that is good in the universe, think of something else!”

Saffron felt wonderful. Then, in a blink, she was terrified at the way her soul was ascending into black space, without anything to stop her. How could the image of the lake do that to her? She barely heard the fairies screaming at her to clear her mind. It was difficult, but she thought of home. She thought of her mother and Derek, of Coco and Markis. She thought of alpacas being born in the field in the early morning hours in July and puppies and kittens and Christmas presents.

She slowed to a stop and hung in black space. The fairies wouldn’t look at her as they guided her back down. Sometime later, travel-weary and human-weary, the fairies deposited Saffron through the window and onto her unmade bed. They shook their heads. They assured themselves that when they became human again, they would not pull such abominable stunts and good riddance.

Saffron rolled over and closed her eyes. She heard the fairies leave, the “ppfffft” sound of their wings and their fading bells. She lay in the fetal position as tears slid slowly across the bridge of her nose and down onto the sheets. She heard Li’s voice from far away warning her against leaving the house or doing something with her shutters. “Screw you.” She turned on the radio to disrupt the “Li Channel.”

She stayed in bed all day. That night, she got up to watch Raising Hope with Derek. Even Maw Maw couldn’t make her laugh. She said nothing to Derek until she grunted, “Goodnight,” then trudged her way back up to her bedroom.

A short while after midnight, Li made her descent over the house and felt anger come to greet her. She opened Saffron’s window and slid inside to sit on the edge of Saffron’s bed.

Saffron rolled over and looked sadly into Li’s eyes. “I just don’t understand. I
do not
understand how I could have lived a hundred lifetimes. I
do not
understand why I’m pathetic in each one of those lives. And how come you never tried to help before.”

Li’s long lashes swept down over her cheeks. Waves of white, windblown-curls rolled over her shoulders, between her wings, and just barely touched the sheets. Her expression was unreadable. “You always choose to be as inconspicuous as you can in each of your lives. You hide much. You hide things from your family…your friends…yourself. When it comes to Ny, you choose to suffer alone. Right now, I have memories of all of my lives. When I am born again, I will not have these memories. When and if, as human, I come to realize what it is you are doing, I either step down and respect your need for privacy or, less often, try to interfere for your sake. The outcome of interfering varies from life to life. Sometimes you simply ignore me, sometimes you get mad enough to distance yourself from me, and sometimes, you leave me completely and let me wallow in my own misery of losing you. I believe some essence of each of our lives builds up inside of us. I believe this is called intuition. So, when I discover your dark, secret life with Ny, and my intuition tells me to let you be or lose you…I let you be.”

“
So fine, you respected me and tried to help. Why am I so dreadful to begin with? It’s so mortifying! It’s like watching a this-is-your-life episode, and instead of finding out you did good things in your life, admirable things, you find out you’re just a big loser!”

“
No, Saffron. No, no. You are wrong there. You are wonderful in all of your lives. You are an incredible mother. You are book-smart, and earth-caring. You are a good listener and your family and friends always adore you. I adore you. You are just so precious.”

“
But I’m miserable!”

“
Yes. For all of your kindness to others you are never kind to yourself. You are beyond appalling to yourself. You are destructive. And Saffron, I do not fully blame Ny.”

Saffron’s chewed-up fingernails cut into her balled fists. So it was all her fault, was it? She was too weak to resist Ny? Well bring that dumb ass here, now, and she would show him what it would be like to screw around with her these days!

“
I know you are distressed, Saffron.”

Saffron’s eyes widened. Distressed? “
Distressed
! It’s not like I left the house forgetting a freakin’ bra!”