Fading (8 page)

Not for the first time in my life, I wake up in Jason’s arms. I must have cried myself to sleep last night, that wouldn’t be a first either. Unfortunately, this time though, it’s the last thing I want or need.

I untangle myself from him and stand to stretch, after checking the time on my phone, I understand why everything is so quiet now. No one should be awake at 4AM.

“Miss Parker?”

I turn at the sound of my name being spoken softly and frown at the nurse. “Did you wake me?”

“I did, yes. If you could come with me please?”

I don’t say anything, not that she gives me a chance too, but instead she just turns on her heel and enters the room behind us. My father’s room.

It takes me a second to notice the complete and utter silence. There isn’t even a beep.

No.

I rush over to his bedside and take his hand in my own. It’s cold. So cold.

“No.” I grip his hand harder. “Dad, no.”

“I’m so sorry, Miss Parker. We did everything we could….” The nurse says softly but I block her voice out and focus completely on my dad. My family.

“I’m so sorry, Dad.” I whisper. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t do better and pay more attention to you. Everything’s been so different since mum died and I know that you needed me and I wasn’t always there for you.” When my tears fall onto our joined hands in droplets, I’m faintly surprised that I have any left. “I could have, no should have gotten some help for you. I should have known what you needed, but I guess, I just thought that you wanted to be alone. You loved her as much, if not more than she loved you and I knew your life wouldn’t be the same without her.” I hear the door click and turn to see that the nurse has left the room.

“So you’re joining mum now, huh?” I force a smile. “You know she’s not going to be happy with you. I’m not happy with you. You weren’t supposed to go yet. Not yet.” I lean over his and place a kiss on his cheek, only barely choking back a sob. “Why, Dad? Why would you go now? What am I supposed to do now?” Wiping my nose with the back of my hand I glare at him. “You never told me what I’m supposed to do if something like this happened. Don’t you think you should have? I should be prepared for this, right? I should know what to do when everyone is gone and I’m the only one left.”

“What do I do now?” I cry, but nobody answers.

Deciding I’m not getting anywhere, I do the only thing that makes sense to me. I give my father one last kiss, tell him I love him and I leave the room.

I don’t make a sound as I walk past Jason.

I don’t even walk through the waiting room to see Lexi or Nate.

I don’t speak to anyone as I leave the hospital.

Instead, I walk home alone.

Alone.

I’m not exactly sure what is going to happen next. In my life, I mean. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.

Is there a step-by-step guide to being an orphan?

There should be.

So I’m supposed to be an adult now. That doesn’t make this any easier.

We all still need our parents.

We need them because sometimes, the only people who can help you are the ones who made and raised you.

Like, who am I supposed to call when I need advice? Who’s going to be there when I just need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay, that I’m doing just fine and everything will work itself out?

I can’t think of anything worse than not having any family.

And then you have those big moments, the ones that matter.

It’s probably best if I just don’t think about those.

I wander through the streets, not really taking anything in, just intent on getting back to my place. Back to those familiar four walls. Back to comfort.

Home.

If my dad were still alive, he’d tell me that everything will work out. I know he’d tell me that I’ll figure everything out. Then again, if he were here, I wouldn’t need anyone to tell me those things.

It was bad when my mum went. Really bad.

I think this may be worse though.

At least then I had my dad. I mean, he wasn’t much help, he didn’t really do anything, but he was there, you know?

He didn’t have to do or even say anything, it was enough just knowing that he was there with me. That he was feeling everything that I was. That he missed her as much as I did. That his life had changed as much as mine did.

You’d think I’d be used to dealing with these things by now. That I’d know how to get through them.

And you’re right. I do know how to deal with them.

When I finally get where I’m headed, I let myself in and walk through, straight to my bedroom without turning on any lights. I strip down to my underwear and climb into bed, collecting a couple of pills off my bedside table, swallowing them dry and not even wincing at the scrape of them
or
the taste of them.

I settle down into the pillows and wait.

I can just block it all out. If I pretend it’s not happening for long enough, then I’ll actually start to believe it and then maybe it won’t hurt so much.

I could do that.

I’ve done it before.

Quicker than ever before, I start to feel a little lighter. My stomach turns once and my eyes cross but my mind starts to numb.

If I could stay numb, then I know for sure that everything would be okay.

When I notice that weird feeling in my stomach that I’ve had since Lexi’s phone call has disappeared. I roll over and open the top draw of my nightstand, if these pills can make that kind of pain away? No. If I accidentally took too many, people would know.

But I just want the pain to go away.

I don’t want to feel like this.

I just want him back.

As my eyes start to close on their own accord, a few thoughts cross my mind…

I don’t want to be alone.

I just want my family back.

If I can’t get them back… I could join them.

It’s Monday. Don’t you just hate Mondays?

My dad died this morning.

I don’t know what time he died, though. Is that weird? I should know that, right?

What I do know is that I don’t feel any better today. Sleeping didn’t help. Trying to forget didn’t help. Pretending it didn’t happen didn’t help.

He’s still dead and I still hurt.

I miss him. I think that’s what the pain is.

Still. He’s dead.

My whole family is dead.

This may very well be my lowest moment. Actually, I know it is but as I lay in the bath and let the hot water heat my body, I know I haven’t ever felt so lost and alone before.

I’ve never felt so empty.

My phone rings again and I listen to the faint sound of the tone. I left it in the bedroom, I haven’t taken any calls. Is that selfish? I just don’t want to talk to anybody. I know that it’ll be Lexi or Call or even Nate and they’ll want to know that I’m okay, but I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left as I am.

And with thought of being alone and only wanting to see my father one last time, I take the blade from the edge of the bathtub and watch as the light catches on it. I guess I could have been a little more original and not just taken the blade from one of my razors. I mean, it’s clean, brand new, actually. But it’s small. And I know this is going to hurt. That’s the part that has me delaying.

I don’t like pain.

I don’t deal with pain well.

Sucking it up, I place the blade on my wrist and take an experimental swipe. Nothing.

Oh God.

Taking a deep breath, I hold it as I press the blade in and drag is across, letting the breath out when the pain hits. “Shit.” I open my eyes and watch as the blood starts to run down my arm and hit the water. It looks like a red ribbon. Kind of mesmerising, actually.

I try to mentally prepare for the next cut. I mean, I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to bleed out, but I guess I should do it now before I start getting light headed, not that it would really matter if I was to hurt myself more or anything.

As I’m making the second cut, hearing the bang makes me jump, jerking the blade and messing up my straight-ish line.

“Damn it.”

“Lilith!”

“Oh shit.” I don’t know why, but when I hear Lexi’s voice, I throw the blade across the bathroom.

Just in time actually, because a few seconds later, she bursts through the door.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” She shouts and then when she finally takes me in she seems to go from worriedly pissed off to just plain ol’ pissed. “Oh hell no.”

Before I can really do anything, not that there’s much I could do, she’s in front of me and pulling me out of the bathtub by my arm.

“Um… Ow,” I mutter.

“Shut up. Just shut up.” She snaps and pulls me into my bedroom, not even letting me get a towel and dry off before she practically throws me on the bed. She leaves me there and then storms back into the bathroom.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She demands when she returns with a couple of bandages.

“Nothing?” I ask because, really, I’m not sure what the hell is wrong with me anymore.

“Well, your dad died, which I’m sure you know because you left the hospital without telling anyone and refused to answer our phone calls. So I came over here thinking that you’re grieving and could use a friend but instead I find you in the bathtub... doing whatever the hell this is, because honey, if you want to kill yourself, you slice up, not across.”

“Well, I’m sorry I’m not an expert on killing myself.” I snap back at her.

“Yeah, and I’m sorry that you’re too stubborn to talk to me instead of trying to do something so stupid that I could actually kill you.” She secures the last bandage in place and slaps me across the back of the head.

“Will you just leave me alone?” I stand from the bed and push past her to get some underwear. “Did you think that maybe this is hard for me?” Once I’m covered, I grab a dress and yank it on. “That maybe this is too hard for me? I have no one left, Lex. I’m on my own now. My family are
gone
.” I turn around to face her when I’m dressed. “I’m the last one. They’ve all gone. Did you ever think that maybe this is just too much for me to handle?”

“You’re not alone, Lil.” She tells me softly.

I smile at her but even I know it looks pathetic. “I have you? And Nate and Cal? It’s not the same and you know it. You can’t replace your parents, Lex. It’s never going to be the same for me and I hope to God that you’ll never really understand what this feels like. I know I have friends and you guys are great, really great. But you can’t be what I’ve lost. You can’t fill that hole, no matter how much you want to or how much you try.”

“I know. I won’t say that I understand, because I don’t. But I can sympathise, Lil. I wouldn’t wish what you’ve been through on anyone. But I
am
here for you. Can you promise me that you’ll find another way to deal with this? A way that doesn’t involve you leaving me? Because that’s what you’ll be doing. You’ll be giving up and leaving all of us that love you. We don’t want to lose you.” 

“Okay,” with a sigh, I sit down on the bed and pat the space next to me. “I promise not to do anything like that again. But I’m not sure I can talk about it either. It hurts, Lex. Missing them, it hurts.”

“I think, in situations like this, time is what heals you. Saying goodbye and then it’s just…time.”

It’s been two weeks since Lexi found me in the bathtub.

To be honest with you, I kind of wish I was back there.

I’m sat on a pew in the front row at my father’s funeral.

I’ve had dozens of people come up and tell me that they’re sorry for my loss. I never know what the correct reply to that is; do I say ‘thank you’? Or ‘yeah, me too’? I don’t know many of the people that are here. I know one or two, but mostly they’re just friends of my dad. I’m sure I’ve met a lot of them over the years, but none of them are familiar.

The familiar ones are my friends and their parents.

Jason and his mother are here.

I like his mother. She’s been a constant in my life since I was a toddler. She isn’t sitting by me though, she and Jason are sat on the other side of the church.

Lexi and Cal are next to me. I tried telling them to sit with their families, but they wouldn’t listen. I think they didn’t want me sitting in front row on my own. Something about the symbolism, I’m sure.

We go through the usual motions of standing to sing a prayer and then listening to stories of my father and what a full life he lived.

Well, it wasn’t that full.

He died much too soon.

I started crying at the first mention of my mother’s death.

Apparently one loss isn’t enough for people, they prefer to cover a couple of them at a funeral.

To my complete surprise, Jason’s mum steps up to say something. I sit up a little straighter to listen to what she might say.

“As many of you know, I was close with both Michael and June. I moved into the house next door to them over twenty years ago now,” Her eyes lock on mine as she continues talking. “We didn’t have much choice in becoming friends, not that they weren’t welcoming to me but when Jason and Lilith met, well, Michael and June were stuck with me then too. They were a lovely couple, great parents and amazing people. There was never a moment when they ever put themselves before anyone else, yet their love for each other was almost consuming. You couldn’t look at them and not feel what they felt for each other, and when June died, a small part of Michael did too. A small part of all of us did. But we kept going.

“Lilith, I know this is going to hit you hard, I know that you’re going to feel lost and alone, but all you have to do is remember one thing; your parents loved you more than they loved each other and if I hadn’t seen it with my eyes over the years, I never would have believed a greater love was possible, but it was because they loved you that much.”

She returns to her seat with tears running down her cheeks, but no sobs leave her. At least no audible ones and I wonder how she does it.

How does she keep that much pain inside?

When it’s my turn to say something, I freeze.

I can’t do it.

I won’t do it.

I don’t do it.

I know it’s letting everyone down. I know it’s letting my parents down, but there is absolutely nothing I can think to say that will help anyone.

My name is called again and murmurs start echoing around the place. “It’s okay, Lil. If you can’t go up there, you don’t have to, no one is going to force you.” Cal whispers and on the other side of me Lexi nods her agreement.

To the surprise of everyone, if the complete silence that falls over the church is any indication, Jason steps up to fill my place.

He clears his throat and seems to be making an effort to look everywhere to avoid looking at me. “Hi, most of you know from what my mother has just said, that we were close to the Parkers, but it’s a little different for me. See, my own father left us when I was three, he never came back and a year later we moved here. You’d think that finding out we were moving next door to a perfect family; a perfect little girl with two perfect parents would have been hard for me, especially since I still thought I was the reason my father left us. But, it wasn’t hard, the Parkers accepted me. I tried staying away from them at first, but they wouldn’t let me get away with hiding from them.” He smiles at whatever memory it is that he has in his mind at the moment. “Michael was the worst. He would see me watching them and invite me over to join in. Soon, I was as much a part of that family as Lilith was. As we got older, that never changed, and in many ways, Michael was a father to me. I know I’ve done some things he wouldn’t have been proud of, but a part of me thinks he knows about them and no matter how bad they are, I know that he would understand why I did them. I know that if I had given him the chance, he would have helped because that’s what he did. He was able to look past the bad and help you see if not the good, then the reason. Losing June was hard on everyone, but losing Michael, that’s a bigger loss than most of you can imagine.

“We’ve lost not only a man who loved his wife and daughter, but we’ve lost a man who would take a little boy who didn’t have a father, under his wing. We’ve lost a man that was so capable of love, he’d overlook even the most horrible of sins just so that he could you find your way back to the good.

He’ll be greatly missed, he’ll be grieved, but most of all, he’ll be forever loved.”

And with that, Jason returns to his mother’s side.

The ceremony continues in the normal fashion; more signing, more praying and a silence to remember the dead.  But while all this is going on, I can’t help but think about what Jason said. My dad did take him in and they were close, so now the questions remains’ did my dad know what happened with us?

Did he understand that?

Did he keep seeing Jason even when I stopped?

How much did he know and how big of a part did he play in it all?