Facing the Light (45 page)

Nanny Mouse came across the lawn towards Leonora just as she was turning to run back to her mother.

‘Come along, dear,' Nanny Mouse said. ‘It's nearly time for lunch.'

‘Yes, Nanny,' Leonora said. I'll make sure to tell Mummy how much I love her later, she thought. There'll be time later on. She went into the house, feeling a weight fall away from her, feeling happy.

*

‘I had such a funny dream last night, Nanny,' Leonora said as she was getting dressed the following morning. ‘I was lying in my bed and I wasn't properly asleep. My eyes were half-open, I think, because I could see things, only not very clearly. Anyway, what I saw was a person
in a long white dress with long hair hanging down at the back going into the nursery. She stood by the dolls' house, just over there and I could smell wallpaper paste and she was sticking something on the dolls' house roof. Then she went away again and I can't remember anything after that.'

Nanny Mouse went on plaiting Leonora's hair. She came to the end of one braid and tied a blue ribbon round it, making a pretty bow. She was very good at making bows look pretty – not too droopy and with both loops exactly the same size. She said, ‘That wasn't a dream, dear. Your mummy came in last night and did some work on the dolls' house. That's part of your birthday present. She did tell me she was going to make it a surprise for you, but I suppose something must have happened to change her mind.'

‘May I go and see? Please, Nanny! Let me go and see.'

‘Sit still and let me finish your hair, Leonora, and then you can.'

Leonora looked over to where the dolls' house was standing against the wall. There was nothing different about it that she could see. She thought of her dream. The figure she'd seen was putting paste on the roof. As soon as her hair was plaited to Nanny Mouse's satisfaction, she raced to see what her mother had done.

‘Oh, it's the roof, Nanny! Look!'

Where before there was nothing but plain paper in a reddish colour, now the whole roof was covered in pale grey and yellowish tiles, not real tiles, but painted ones. Mummy must have taken ages to paint them. She'd covered two large sheets of paper with watercolour images of proper tiles. Leonora looked at them carefully. Every single one seemed different from the one next to it, and from the ones above and below it.

‘It looks just like a real roof, doesn't it, Nanny? It must have taken her hours and hours, mustn't it?'

‘It's most beautiful,' Nanny Mouse said. ‘You make sure to thank her now.'

‘Yes, I will,' Leonora said. She could never say anything, of course, and she knew Mummy must have taken enormous trouble over painting pictures of roof tiles, and they
were
exactly like real tiles and very beautiful if you thought about it, but she couldn't help feeling a little disappointed. It wasn't what
she
would have called a birthday surprise, not really. A new doll for the house, or perhaps some new clothes for the dolls she already had would have been more exciting. You couldn't really
play
with a roof. All you could do was look at it, and she'd scarcely paid any attention at all to the old one, so why did Mummy think she'd like a new one?

She could feel her mood darkening as she went down to breakfast, and tried to cheer herself up by thinking that maybe this wasn't the whole surprise, but only part of it. Yes, perhaps that was the answer. There was something else to come, something much, much better. That must be it. After all, it wasn't even her birthday yet and she was being allowed to see it. By the time she reached the dining room, she'd almost persuaded herself that the new roof paper wasn't her present at all. But, she said to herself, if Mummy is there I shall thank her very much and give her a kiss as well.

Mummy and Daddy were both sitting at their places when Leonora came into the dining room, but she could see from the way they were sitting, from how they weren't smiling or talking to one another, that something was wrong. They didn't even look at her and Nanny Mouse as they came into the room and took their places at the other end of the table. Silence fell over everything, so that the noise of spoons on cereal bowls and cups being put down on saucers sounded really loud. That was what it felt like to Leonora.

She glanced from her mother to her father. Daddy was frowning. His lips were pressed together, as if he wanted to shout but was holding himself back. Mummy's gaze was on her plate, but she hadn't touched her toast. There was a lump of butter right next to it, and some marmalade as well, but she made no attempt to pick up her knife.

‘Nanny,' Daddy said, not quite looking at Nanny Mouse. ‘I'd be most grateful to you if you kept Leonora occupied outside today, if you don't mind. It's a fine morning. We have matters to discuss, Mrs Walsh and I, and wouldn't want to be interrupted.'

‘Of course, sir,' said Nanny Mouse. ‘We'll go to the village, and for a walk in the fields behind the church. Perhaps we'll take a picnic, Leonora. Would you like that?'

Leonora nodded. She didn't trust herself to speak. How
could
Daddy be so beastly? She never interrupted them when they were busy. She never went up to the Studio because she knew she wasn't allowed to. She wasn't a baby to be taken off on a picnic so that the grown-ups could talk in peace. She was nearly, very nearly, eight years old. She bit into her piece of toast and glared at her father but he was looking out of the window and didn't see how cross she was. I'll say something to Mummy, Leonora thought. I'll thank her for repapering the dolls' house roof. She took a deep breath and said, ‘Mummy, I love the new roof for the dolls' house. Thank you for making it for me.'

To her astonishment, Mummy's eyes filled with tears and she turned so pale that Leonora thought she might be going to faint. She bit her lip and looked across the table at her daughter with something like terror in her face. She was trembling too. Leonora wished fervently that she'd never mentioned the roof paper, never opened her
mouth. Before she could think of what to say next, Daddy spoke.

‘Maude, my dear,' he said in a voice that was icy and soft at the same time, ‘what paper is this? Have you shown it to me?'

‘No, dear,' her mother answered. ‘I painted some paper to decorate the dolls' house roof. It's of no consequence, really.'

‘A waste of your time, I'd have thought. You could have used some off-cuts from old wallpaper rolls, couldn't you?'

‘Yes, but this was a special treat for Leonora's birthday. I enjoyed painting the tiles.'

‘They're beautiful, Daddy, really,' Leonora cried, hoping that she could divert the force of her father's displeasure away from Mummy. ‘I love them. The dolls' house looks so much nicer now. Thank you, Mummy!'

She left her place and ran round the table to her mother's chair. She flung both arms round her neck and hugged her. Mummy's body, she thought, is stiff and trembly at the same time.

‘Nanny, please take Leonora away now,' Daddy stood up. ‘This scene has gone on long enough.'

He left the room, and Leonora could hear the sound of his footsteps on the marble floor of the hall and then going up the stairs.

‘I love you, Mummy!' Leonora cried, not sure what was happening, not knowing what anyone had done wrong, nor why everything felt so horrible this morning.

‘And I love you, my baby,' said Maude and burst into tears. Leonora didn't know what to do, or what to say.

‘Go to your room, Leonora,' Nanny Mouse said. ‘And wait for me. Your mummy will be quite all right. I shall look after her. Don't worry, dear.'

*

Leonora made her way slowly to the nursery, wanting to scream with rage and weep with anguish, both at the same time. Stupid, stupid Nanny Mouse, she thought, kicking with the toe of her foot against every step of the staircase. How can she tell me not to worry? My mummy's sad and I don't know why. They won't tell me. She slammed the nursery door behind her and flung herself on to the bed to wait for Nanny Mouse. Why, she wondered, does Daddy want me to be out of the house? What is he going to do?

*

Leonora came in from outside, and stood in the hall. Nanny Mouse had stopped in the drive to talk to Mrs Page, who was on her way to the village, and she'd told Leonora to run on ahead. Daddy and Mummy were quarrelling. She could hear loud, angry voices and stood quite still to listen, even though she knew she wasn't supposed to. Mummy was screaming. She usually spoke quietly, and to think she could shriek like that made Leonora feel sick and frightened. She knew at once that Daddy and Mummy wouldn't want her to hear what they were saying, so she shrank against the wall, but she didn't run away. In spite of herself, a longing to
know
, a desire to understand for the very first time exactly what it was that was troubling her mother, kept her standing there, trembling, with her mouth half-open and her eyes wide. They were in the drawing room, and she could hear almost every word.

‘No more. I utterly refuse. And if you lay one more finger on me, I swear I'll tell. And then what would your fine friends in London think of the wonderful Ethan Walsh? Will they still come here and drink your gin and admire your pictures …'

Then there came a laugh from Maude that chilled Leonora's blood: shrill, horrible, not really laughter at all, but a sound that set her teeth on edge and made her
wince. ‘… well, I've had enough, that's all. The worm is turning, and that's what I am. A worm, and I've been in the dark long enough, and now everything will change. I'm warning you, Ethan. I'm tired of being the one you take everything out on. Tired of it.'

Her mother's voice faded to a whisper and Leonora didn't catch the next murmured remarks. She could hear her father's voice, too, but not what he was saying. Could it be that he was calming Mummy down? Making her feel better? Leonora was just beginning to feel more normal, when she heard her father say, ‘I don't want to hear any of this again, d'you understand? If I ever discover that you've told anyone, anyone at all, then you'll be very sorry. Very sorry indeed. And remember. I, too, can speak. I can have Doctor Mannering up here in twenty minutes and tell him that my poor dear wife has gone insane. It's well known all over the country that your health is what they call “delicate”. You'd be in the asylum within the hour. And I shan't hesitate. D'you understand? Hesitation is not in my nature. Are we agreed?'

Tears started from Leonora's eyes, and she tiptoed as quietly as she could to hide behind the curtain near the hall window before her parents came out of the drawing room and caught her. Too late! There was Daddy, striding across the marble tiles, and he'd seen her. She knew he had. She closed her eyes, sure that something dreadful was going to happen. She didn't understand everything she'd heard but she knew this – Daddy made Mummy cry by hitting her, and he was going to call the doctor and pretend that she was mad if she didn't do exactly what he said. That was cruel, and terrible. Surely Daddy, who could sometimes be so kind and amusing and friendly, wouldn't behave like a monster in a fairy tale? Surely he wouldn't.

‘Come here at once, Leonora,' he said to her. She went
to him and he gripped her arms. ‘What are you doing? How long have you been in the hall?'

‘I've only just come in, really. We've been in the village, and then we went for ever such a nice walk …' Leonora knew that she had to keep talking, as though she'd really just come in and hadn't overheard anything. He'd be so angry if he thought she'd listened to him and Mummy having an argument. She went on babbling, the words spilling out of her mouth and, gradually, her father's hold on her arms relaxed.

‘Go to the nursery, Leonora. I have work to do now.'

He went up the stairs two at a time. Leonora listened hard and heard the door of the Studio slam shut. She let out a breath that she felt she'd been holding for ages. Now that he'd gone, she wanted to run to Mummy and make sure she was all right, but Nanny Mouse came into the hall just then and she couldn't. Nanny Mouse said, ‘What's the matter, child? You look as though you've seen a ghost.'

‘Mummy and Daddy were quarrelling. It was horrid. He was saying terrible things. He said …'

Nanny Mouse interrupted her. ‘Don't say a word, dear. Don't you remember what I told you? What you don't know can't hurt you. All this grown-up arguing is none of our business.'

‘When did you tell me? When did you say that what I don't know can't hurt me?'

They were walking up the stairs. Nanny Mouse answered, ‘Why, the night you came and woke me with stories of blood on your poor mother's face.'

‘But you said it was a dream! You did, you did.'

Nanny Mouse sighed, and took her hat off and turned it round and round in her hand. She was looking down at the carpet outside the nursery and blushed.

‘Yes, I'm so sorry, dear. I did say that, and it was very naughty of me, but I was only trying to make you feel less
frightened, that's all. I shouldn't have done it, I know, but it's difficult to know what to do for the best sometimes. There are so many secrets in this house. It's very difficult. Never mind, you just stay in the nursery for now, till bedtime. I'll bring your supper up for you tonight. You just keep out of the way for now. It'll be all right, you'll see.'

Nanny Mouse made her way downstairs again. Leonora listened for a while, and there was nothing but total silence hanging over the whole of Willow Court. She went into the nursery and stood by the window for a long time, not moving. Yes, she thought. That's right. The house is full of secrets, but what I don't know can't hurt me. It isn't time for bed yet. Everyone is busy doing something somewhere else. I
do
know some things, but I must pretend I don't. I must pretend that my daddy is a good daddy who loves my mummy and not someone who shouts at her and makes her cry and makes her cheek bleed and tells her she's mad. I must pretend that what I saw was only a dream, but I know it wasn't. I want to be far away, out of the front door and away from Willow Court, where all these secrets live that I don't want to know. The lake. I'll go down to the lake.