Facing Redemption (21 page)

“Enough.”  She said to herself and quietly walked over to retrieve it.  She sat the bag next to her on the bed and took a deep breath.  Closing her eyes, she felt as much trepidation as one that was about to go down a path they knew was bad for them.  The anxieties balled up in her chest like a knot, making her feel as if she would vomit. 

Slowly she dug down in the middle of her purse and felt a small stack of envelopes.  She pulled the first one out and opened the back.  After pulling the letter out of the envelope, she gently unfolded it and sat it in her lap.

“I can’t believe I’m about to do this.  I don’t even have a bottle of wine,” she murmured to herself.  “It’s now or never.”  The same tight penmanship greeted her.

Dear Chastity,

I’ve often sat wondering how you’re doing, and wonder what it would be like to talk to you in person.  Don’t worry. I won’t cross that bridge unless it’s something you’re ready for.  I know if you’re ever going to trust me that it has to be on your terms.  I can’t force it, or it wouldn’t be genuine.  It wouldn’t be a true relationship.  Not that I expect that.

My deepest desire is to someday know you, but I know that’s a far stretch. 

             
Lately I’m dealing with daddy issues myself.   I flew into visit him last week, and of course due to his Alzheimer’s, he didn’t recognize me.  It’s sad to see him in that state, but almost a relief as I can spend time with him without the pressure of feeling like a failure in his eyes.  That’s what my life consisted of – being the kid who always let him down.  By the time I was 15, I just accepted it as a fact, that no matter what I did he would see me as his screwed up kid.  So I made the choice to be that kid, the one he could count on to make wrong choices. 

I was the child, who was his cross to bear in life and began to embrace it, because at least I got some show of emotion from him.  Although it was anger, at least it wasn’t apathy.

Now I know, looking back, it wasn’t about me; it was about him and his heartbreaks that didn’t allow him to love me.  I’m not saying he’s a bad guy for it.  I’m just stating the facts.  Through counseling - I’ve had to learn to put myself in his shoes, and imagine what life was like for him. 

             
If I lost Andie, who’s now about to deliver our first child, I don’t know if I could make it without her.  I do know that I’d still love my baby girl though.  I’d never put her through what I lived through, but I can’t expect the almighty Jackson Mikale to live his life like I would expect a loving father too.  Maybe it just wasn’t in him.  Maybe he was doing the best with what he had.

             
Oh by the way, I didn’t mean to drop a bombshell on you, but you’re about to become a big sister.  I’m not writing this to use it in any way against you.  I’m not trying to manipulate you into coming to see me…us.  I just thought you’d like to know.  She’s due in a five months, and we’re naming her Lanie, after my wife’s grandmother.  I thought about Marilyn, after my own mother, but I never knew her or have any fond memories to share about her. 

We want our daughter to have a happy history behind her name and want to be able to share memories of her namesake with her.  I want to do everything right with and by her.  Knowing I’m about to be a dad again scares the daylights out of me.  I know I’m going to be as overprotective as they come. 

             
As I sign off from this letter, I pray that it reaches you.  We may not be having real conversations, but in my head as I write these – I’m talking to you.  And I hope reaching out to you someday makes a difference, and that someday you’ll give me a chance – even if it’s a small one.

All the best – your father,

John

             
Chastity sat dumbfounded.  The last time she read one of John’s letters it was met with rage and anger – at her for reading it and at her father for writing it.  This time she sat in absolute wonder. 
I’m going to be a big sister.

Her heart felt like it would explode and she couldn’t believe what she just read.  Quickly she scanned the letter again to make sure it was real.  Forget the fact that her dad was trying to change, that she could almost obtain.  She was stuck on the amazing fact that a part of her was about to be born, and it caused the most unusual feeling she’d ever experienced.

             
Chastity didn’t even hear Timothy unlocking the door with his card key.  When he stepped through the door, all he saw was her head down reading the letter.  When she lifted her eyes up to meet his, they were filled with amazement.

             
Timothy quickly crossed the floor and fell to his knees in front of her.  He placed his hands on her legs and searched her face.

             
“Are you okay?  What’s wrong?”  He desperately asked.

             
Chastity shook her head and smiled.  “It’s been a day.”  She lifted a hand and wiped a tear that escaped down her cheek.  “I’ve discovered a lot of things I never knew about Anne – and that’s a totally different story.  But now there’s this …” She held up the letter.

             
“Another letter from John?  Oh honey, I should have been here … I’m sorry.  If I’d known you were going to read …”

             
Chastity quickly cut in.  “It’s okay.”  She tilted her head and slightly frowned. “Did I just say that?”

             
“Yes.”  Timothy slowly let go of the air he was holding in his chest.  “So you’re not spiraling downward into some oblivion right now?”

             
“No.”  She confirmed.  She sat up and slowly smiled.  “In fact – I’m going to be a big sister.”

Chapter 30

John sat mid session, with his counselor, wondering if anything would ever change.  He still felt the guilt, and the closer it was got to his wife’s due date, the more it grew.

             
“It’s like I’m afraid to be happy because it’s too good to be true.”  John leaned forward in his chair and admitted, “And I don’t know if I deserve any of it.  I mean I’ve been blessed with a wonderful woman and now we’re having a child.   And to top it off, my brother has decided to make contact … real contact.”

             
“That’s wonderful news John,” Leo exclaimed.  “When did this happen?”

             
“A few days ago.  He called me at work to sort a few things out that he’d read in my letters.”

             
“And how did he get the letters?”

“Chastity decided against reading the rest of them after opening the first one I wrote her.  She sent them all back to Jesse for keeping.”

             
“That’s good news!”

             
“What?  How is my daughter rejecting me good news?”

             
“If she wanted nothing to do with you, she would have burned the letters.  The fact she saved them and sent them back to Jesse, means she knows they’re still hers to read when she comes around to it.”

             
“You think so Leo?”

             
Leo beamed.  “This is progress for the both of you, and obviously it has helped mend a bridge for you and your brother.”

“Maybe.”  John said skeptically. John could almost see his therapist patting
himself on the back.  “I just hope she knows someday that I’ve changed.  It’s okay if we don’t have a relationship.  I know not to hope for that.  I just want to know I have her forgiveness.”

             
“John, do you forgive yourself?”  Leo asked the same question every session.

             
“I don’t know.  I know I’m not the same person.  I know I would change what happened if I could.  I know I would never repeat the same behavior.  I don’t know if I forgive the pain and hurt I’ve caused.”  John said soberly.

“John, take this week to focus on the fact that forgiveness starts with you.  Your brother is obviously open to mending the hurt you’ve both experienced, and he’s aware of your past.  That’s a big step.  Be happy in that John.  You need to start living in today, in the joys of the moment instead of beating yourself up for your past.  You can’t move forward without letting go of the past.”

John nodded in agreement, and knew what Leo said was true. He looked to the clock and knew their session was coming to an end. Each time he came, he left exhausted.  It truly was work in sorting out your emotions and past experiences.  This was probably the hardest thing he’d done that he could remember.  It was harder than basic training.  Facing himself and looking in the mirror left him completely vulnerable, which was something he didn’t like. 
I owe it to my family to be a better me.  I owe it to my daughters and my wife.  And I hate every second of divulging how I feel to a stranger.

John knew Leo wasn’t a stranger anymore.  He knew John more intimately than anyone else.  He actually even kind of liked his therapist.  Leo was a kind-hearted man who really wanted to make a difference in John’s life.  John had noticed a Bible sitting on his desk at every session. 

“What’s going on in there?”  Leo asked pointing to John’s head.
             
“My wife, Andie, is a strong Christian.   It blows me away that she chose me of all people, even knowing my past.  She loves me after everything I’ve done.”

Leo knew to tread lightly here, as it wasn’t kosher to push his faith on clients. 
He brought it up though. 
“Do you attend church with your wife?”

“Yes.  Most Sundays I go with her.  It’s not that I don’t believe in how big God is and all the amazing things He’s done through the Bible.  It’s just …”

“You don’t think He’s not doing big things today?  Now?  Even here?”  Leo motioned his arms out to engulf the room around them.

John shrugged his shoulders.

“You yourself said that it blows you away that Andie loves you after all you’ve done. That, John, is a prime example of God’s love for you and me and everyone else.  No matter what you’ve done – God loves you.  Since Andie is a Christian, it doesn’t surprise me that she can show you this same love.”

“Do you believe too?  Is that why you have a Bible on your desk?  It’s not just for decoration?”

“Decoration?”  He choked out.  “Heavens no!”  Leo laughed.  “I wouldn’t make it through all my past turbulence and present ups and downs if it weren’t for the Word and how God speaks to me through it.”

John nodded in thought.

“You should invest some time in it.  See for yourself how God will speak to you.”  Leo looked at his watch.  “That’s enough for today.  See you next week.  Same time?”

“Thanks Leo.  So far when I’ve left my sessions, I’ve felt so overwhelmed.  Today … I feel almost normal.”

“That’s good John.  That’s real progress.”  Leo wrote something on a piece of paper and folded it in half.  He tore it off his pad and handed it to John.  “Here.  It’s a very special verse that just came to mind for you. If you’re serious about delving in, that is.”

John stood and took the scrap of legal yellow paper that his therapist extended, and stuck it in his jeans pocket.  He smiled in thanks and reached for the knob to the exit door in the interior of Leo’s office.

Leo watched him leave and said a silent prayer for his client. 
I pray he actually looks to you Lord.  May he read your word and feel your love.

As John reached for the down button for the elevator, he felt a burning sensation in his front jeans pocket. It felt like a hole had been burned into his hip.  Hoping it wasn’t a spider, John cautiously reached in to turn his jeans pocket inside out.  All he saw the yellow paper with Leo’s handwriting on it.

John slowly pulled it out slowly and smoothed his pocket back inside his jeans.  As he held the paper in his hands, the burning sensation eased from his hip.
What just happened?

The elevator doors opened, as John stood in silence, still unsure of what had caused such pain beneath his pocket.  He quickly stepped inside and tucked the paper back in his pocket.

Within seconds the same strong burning sensation targeted his hip again.

“What the?”  He yelled, grabbing for his pocket again.  John fumbled at his pants trying to get the note out again.  And just like before, once he pulled it out – the pain slowly dissolved and disappeared.

Dumfounded, he cautiously opened the note and began to read. 

“Jeremiah 29:11-13 … okay.”  John breathed out.  Within seconds, John felt like the air was being squeezed from his lungs.  John looked to the elevator panel.  There were five more floors to go before he got to the lobby.  As each floor passed, he felt more pressure on his chest.