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I ignore my mother all Saturday morning and then she leaves to go back to Connecticut by herself without even saying goodbye to me. Fine. I get that she’s angry and disappointed in me because I’m dating Lee. I’m not sure why except for the fact that our relationship is long distance, but I don’t want to discuss it today. She’ll give me some excuse like, “He’s too old,” or “He’s not old enough,” or “He’s Korean,” or “He’s a lawyer,” or any other one of her “concerns” about the men I date. Rene wasn’t good enough for our family either because he was a foreigner.
“All French men are pigs,”
she said. This discussion can sit for a while and cool down.
“Well, at least he has good taste.”
Ugh. She’s ridiculous.

I’ve never been to India, but the country is on my must-travel-to list, right after “All of East Asia.” I’m not sure why I was drawn to East Asia first, but when I traveled in Thailand, Japan, and Singapore, I was the most at home I have ever been. I felt a very significant connection to the people and food of the places I visited, and they kept me from completely drowning in my grief.

Having never been to India, I wasn’t aware that Mumbai is nine and a half hours ahead of New York, and it didn’t occur to me just how much this would impact my online relationship with Lee until his texts on Saturday morning.

Lee Park

I’m here and I forgot about the time change.

Laura Merchant

You would think this would be second nature to you by now.

Lee Park

Well, things are different now. I never used to correspond with family or Sandra when I traveled.

Laura Merchant

Really? They didn’t want to talk to you? What if you were away for a whole month?

Lee Park

Most of Asia is easy because it’s the same time zone, but India is another story altogether.

Laura Merchant

I see. Are you ok? How was the flight?

Lee Park

Over 15 hours and I had to connect in Kuala Lumpur.
 

Better than connecting in both Shanghai and Delhi which happens a lot.

Laura Merchant

You must be so tired. Go to bed, Lee.

I’m heading out to the gym in a few.

Lee Park

Wait. I want to talk to you soon. Plans, let’s make them.

Laura Merchant

Ok, let me think.

…

Shit, 9.5 hours difference is a real pain.

Lee Park

I know. I’m sorry. Let me look at my itinerary.

…

It would probably be easier if I got up early and you called in your evening. On a day when I don’t have to be in till 8.

What about my Thursday morning, your Wednesday night?

Laura Merchant

I can do that. Though Wednesday feels like ages from now :(

My first Korean class is on Tuesday night.

Lee Park

It does feel like ages from now, but they have me working early mornings and late nights when I’m here.
 

Get the most bang for their buck.

Yay Korean! I expect a full report.

You know, there are days I wish you didn’t have to go to work.

Laura Merchant

I would love to stay home all day and talk to you, but then there’d be no money for clothes and shoes and bags and...

Lee Park

If you ever want me to be your sugar daddy, just let me know.

Laura Merchant

You have no idea how tempting that is.

Lee Park

The position is up for grabs.

Laura Merchant

I will consider your proposal seriously, sir.

Lee Park

Oh, I like ’sir.’ Hmmm.

Laura Merchant

Lol. We can play master and servant someday, if you like.

Lee Park

You’re an evil woman to do this to me pretty much every time we talk.

Laura Merchant

You love it and you know it.

Lee Park

I should go before someone at the hotel bar notices my hard-on.

Laura Merchant

Think of me when you take care of that later. Xo.

Lee Park

I always do. Xo.
 

(>’o’)> ♥ <(‘o’<)

I show up at Theresa’s apartment on Sunday loaded down with two heavy bags of groceries.

“I think I got everything on the list for you,” I say while flipping my shoes off at the door. “I’m sorry if I missed anything.”
 

“If you remembered the ice cream, we’re all set.” Theresa peeks into the bag and smiles at the pint of chocolate ice cream I picked out for her. “Thanks.” She squeezes me around my shoulders.

“Not a problem.” I hoist the bags onto her kitchen island and start unloading. The warm spring sun is shining down on the dark stone countertop and bouncing back to blind me, but I stand in the glare happily. I must have been a cat in a previous life. “It’s not like Mike is around to do these things for you.”

“I miss him when he works so much.” Theresa pouts, one hand on her large belly and the other picking at her red curls. “But I think he’ll only be working this week and next.”

“That’s good! You needed to build up your fund, so the time apart was worth the sacrifice. Sit down, Theresa.” I gesture to the couch in the other room. “I’ll bring you lunch.”

“How’s your escape fund looking nowadays?”

My “escape fund” is my savings, what I’m putting away to break free from my mother. I’ve been saving since she moved in. “I haven’t checked it. I’m afraid to. What if I look in there and I’ve spent all my money without realizing it? There will be no trips to Asia for me.”

“You’re ridiculous, Laura. I demand you go home and check later today.”

“Yes, Mom.”

Theresa laughs and rolls her eyes, but I mean it. She’s a better mother to me than my own mother who’s still off with her boyfriend. I haven’t seen her since she walked out of the apartment Friday night. She was home twice but we didn’t talk.

I offered to pick up Mexican for lunch today so I pull two plates from her kitchen cabinets and unwrap the barbecue tofu burrito she specifically asked for. I ordered two chicken soft tacos for myself and orange soda for us both. In the living room, I deliver the plate of massive burrito straight to Theresa’s belly.

“Built-in breakfast tray,” she says, laughing. “I often wonder if I’ll miss the belly once it’s gone.”

“Maybe. But you’ll still be eating over the baby anyway. He’ll fall asleep on you or in your lap, and you’ll be hungry. There’s not much you can do about that.” I smile at her as she takes a bite of her burrito and chews silently.

“Laura, you amaze me.” Theresa’s green eyes are concentrating on the puzzled look on my face.

“What do you mean? Here’s a napkin.” I put the napkin next to the plate on her belly. “It’s not like I do anything special. I have the time because it’s not as if I have a boyfriend… Wait, Theresa, Lee called me his girlfriend in our chat the other night.” I cover my face since I’m grinning like a lunatic. “I had no idea hearing that would feel so good.”

“He likes you, for sure.” She sighs. “Why does he have to live in Seoul? It’s not fair to you.”

“Tell me about it.” I want to see Lee in the flesh so badly, I cried in the bathroom by myself this morning. I got it all out, went for a run, had a hot shower, shopped, and came here to Theresa’s. I’ve been up since dawn. “Anyway, how do I amaze thee?”
 

“I mean…” She sighs, and I stop chewing. “You stay strong as you watch all your friends get married, have babies, and leave…”

“Are you leaving?” I ask, my voice rising. This would be the nail in the coffin of New York for me.

“No, no.” She lays her hand on my arm. “Mike’s family is here and mine’s in Italy. I can’t imagine being anywhere else but here.”

“Okay because you scared me for a second.” I shrug my shoulders. “What else can I do, Theresa? I care about you all, and it’s hard to watch everyone go, but you’re my friends.”

I have only a few friends left in the city. At thirty-two, all of my older friends are married and settled down in the suburbs or moved across the country. My younger friends have cliques of their own, and most of them I only know through work. We don’t socialize outside of the office.

“Do you ever think of Rene or run into any of his friends?” Theresa asks, not making eye contact. She’s walking out onto the ice of a thawing pond. We haven’t talked about Rene in months.

“I haven’t run into any of his friends, thank god. And unfortunately I think about Rene all the time, especially now that Lee and I are dating. I think of him and the time I spent abroad…”

Whenever I date someone new, my mind wanders to my early twenties. I wasn’t faithful or sane then. When I traveled in Asia, I found other expats from the States or other countries (Aussies were particularly prevalent) to stay with or travel with, and I was so broken up over David’s death that I didn’t give a shit who I slept with or who I hurt. I came back to the States completely fucked up.

I should come clean to Lee soon about how promiscuous I was and how it changed my life. But I’ve been good since I moved to New York. I haven’t felt the compulsive need to screw around like I did back then. I take my birth control pill everyday to help regulate my cycle and my moods, and I still talk to my therapist when I need to. I want to leave the past in the past, but I also want to share everything about me with Lee. I want to give him my whole trust. I want to, but I’m scared. Rene found out the hard way, and it completely ruined our relationship. I trusted him and he took my love and ground it down to whimper, a silent cry on a bench in Central Park while two kids ate lunch across the path from me.

I just want to look Lee in the eye and know he won’t do that to me, too.

“Are you going to tell Lee?” Theresa asks, sipping on the orange soda straight from the glass bottle.

“Which part?” I laugh. “There’s so fucking much to tell.”

“Maybe you should start with the hardest part and then the rest will seem easy.” She drinks again, hiccups, and the plate on her belly starts bouncing around. “Oh! Laura, look. Here.” She moves the plate and grabs my hand placing it along the side of her belly.

This is the first time I’ve ever been given the opportunity to feel the baby moving, any baby. I’m amazed as I watch my hand bump up and down with each kick. Theresa drinks again and the baby moves so much I pull my hand away in horror for a moment before laughing and trying again. We each lay our heads back against the couch and sit with our eyes closed, enjoying this little moment. A life grows inside my best friend.

“He likes the sugar in the soda. Funny because it’s been happening a lot more lately. Mike has missed most of these gymnastics sessions.” She smiles sadly and turns her head to me. “Do you ever regret terminating the pregnancy, Laura?”

A cold wash of tingles travels down my spine. My biggest mistake. I pull my hand away from her belly and concentrate on my taco. “All the time, but then I don’t. I don’t think having the baby would have made things easier. Just different.”

Theresa sits up and adjusts herself so her belly is propped up on a pillow on her lap.

“Lee seems like a good guy, Laura. He likes you. He’s still calling and texting even after learning your mom lives with you. He already sent you a gift…” She waves at my purple leather bag on the chair across from us. “What do you think he’s going to say when you tell him?”

My upper lip starts to sweat and my stomach closes up, so I set the food aside. “I don’t know. I really don’t. He seems liberal but he’s from this traditional Korean family. And even if he is okay with my past and the abortion, he’s got parents and a brother and sister who may give him grief over me. Maybe he’ll think I’m not worth the trouble, you know? If I gauge this on past experience, he’s gonna break up with me.”

“But, Laura…”

“We all thought Rene was the one,” I interrupt her. “He was sweet, kind, funny… and look what happened. It’s hard to know who to trust.” I barely trust my own mother. How can I trust a new boyfriend who knows so little about me?

“Sweetheart,” Theresa whispers, reaching across and holding my hand, “we all have to keep trusting. Keep hoping.”

“I just wonder sometimes when enough is enough. Do I keep going? Or do I cut my losses now?”

I instinctively search for my phone and find it behind me in the crook of the couch cushions. I want to text Lee and get reassurance I’m just being paranoid. But it’s past eleven in the evening in Mumbai, and he was going to bed early tonight so he could be ready for his first day of work tomorrow. I won’t wake him with my worries.

(>’o’)> ♥ <(‘o’<)

The sun rises earlier and earlier now, and I love it. All the extra light is one of my favorite parts of spring. Now I wake and the sun is streaming in my one window, slanting at an acute angle across my floor, my pile of laundry casting harsh shadows behind it. My alarm starts beeping at 7:15am, and I don’t budge. Today is one of those Mondays when I don’t want to do anything. I have two whole more days before I can FaceTime with Lee, and the date feels ages away from now.

A soft knock on my door makes me bolt upright.

“Laura, can I come in?” My mother opens my door without waiting for an invitation. For some reason, she’s been more bold these past few weeks. The scene with Lee and the bag he sent wasn’t like her at all. For the past ten years, she’s been quiet and withdrawn, but now she’s someone entirely new.

“Yes, Mom. What’s up?” I keep my face passive but easy. We haven’t spoken in days.

“I have news.” She sits down on the edge of my bed, smoothing out her dress slacks and pink, henley shirt. She’s been up for hours already, and I’m still in bed with wild bed head. Her left hand rests in from of me and a new gigantic ring is perched on her third finger. Oh shit. “Richard proposed this weekend, and we’re getting married.”

Normally when someone tells me they’re getting married, the announcement is accompanied by plenty of smiles or squeals of delight. My mother is business-like and calm.

“Mom… uh, I’m speechless. I thought you never wanted to be married again?”