Extra Time (16 page)

‘I should have told you, Amber.’

‘Yes. You should.’ She clasped her hands together in her lap, her head spinning from events that had happened so fast she felt dizzy, even though she was sitting down.

‘Me and his mom, it didn’t work out. It never even went beyond that one night, but…’

‘You were with her long enough to father a child.’

‘Amber…’

‘Which is something you might never get the chance to do with me.’

It was Jim’s turn to look confused. ‘What… what do you mean? Amber?’

‘I don’t know if I can have kids, Jim. That’s what I mean.’

Jim was still confused, his heart beating like a drum as he watched her wring her hands, her eyes staring straight ahead. ‘Amber? Honey? I don’t understand…’

‘I guess you’re not the only one who’s been keeping secrets.’

This whole day was turning out to be one big mind-fuck. For both of them. What the hell was she talking about?

He sat down next to her, trying once more to take her hand but she wasn’t giving in, even though, right now, she needed her husband more than she’d ever needed him before. But she needed the husband she’d had ten minutes ago, not the one sitting beside her now.

‘Ever since I was young – very young – I’ve known that there’s a chance I might not be able to conceive a child of my own,’ Amber began, surprised to find that no tears were ready to fall, even though she felt like crying. She really, really felt like crying. ‘A ruptured appendix and a nice dose of peritonitis saw to that. But I clung to hope, you know? Tried to look on the positive side of things because I hate being a pessimist. It’s such hard work.’

Jim couldn’t help a small smile appearing as traces of the Amber he knew and loved tried to show themselves. But, at the same time, what she was telling him was quite hard to take in.

‘But there comes a time when you’ve just got to face up to the truth.’ She looked straight at him, her eyes boring into his. ‘Even if it isn’t something you want to face up to at all.’

‘Amber, baby…’

She turned away from him again, her hands still clasped in her lap, although she’d stopped wringing them now and had started fiddling with her wedding ring instead. ‘When you walked back into my life I fell in love so hard, Jim. If I’d ever fallen out of love with you in the first place, that is. Which I don’t think I ever did. And this might surprise you, but I’ve always wanted that happy family kind of thing – marriage, domesticity, husband… two-point-four kids. I’ve always wanted that. It just had to be with the right man, that’s all.’ She looked at him, and this time he was sure he felt his heart breaking. There was so much sadness in her eyes and he’d added to that – again. ‘
You
were that right man, Jim. You always have been. I married my dream guy, don’t you see?’ She let out a slightly cynical laugh, once more diverting her eyes away from his.

‘Why didn’t you talk to me, Amber? When you said you wanted a baby I had no idea…’

‘For a few days I just wanted to believe that everything would be simple. That we’d go to bed, make love, and hey presto, I’d fall pregnant. You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamt about that scenario.’

‘Amber, honey, look at me. Please, baby, look at me.’

She slowly turned her head, tears now threatening big time, stinging her eyes. ‘But that scenario is probably never going to happen now.’

‘You don’t know that,’ Jim said quietly, trying to reach for her hand yet again, but still she resisted.

‘I’ve seen a doctor. He’s a specialist in this field and… Debbie got me an appointment.’

‘Debbie? Why… why didn’t you talk to
me,
Amber? Jesus, you told
Debbie
?’

‘She’s my friend, Jim. And I had to talk to someone.’

‘I’m your husband…’

‘And I didn’t see the need to tell you until I knew what I was dealing with.’

He looked down at his own hands, also clasped tightly in his lap. ‘Shit, Amber…’ He looked back up at her, his stomach turning over and over so many times, he couldn’t seem to stop it. ‘And… and what
are
we dealing with?’

She shrugged, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘I don’t know. Well, I mean, I don’t know for sure, but… I’ve got to go and see Dr. Lowry – the specialist – tomorrow. I guess I’ll find out then.’

‘Tomorrow? You… you mean you’ve gone through all of this on your own?’

‘I’ve had Debbie with me. She’s been amazing.’

Jim stood up, pacing the floor. He’d thought all he’d have to face today would be the aftermath of Amber finding out about Brandon, but this was crazy. This was something else. He’d had no idea she’d been going through all that. He’d had no idea just how much she wanted a baby. His baby. Why the hell hadn’t she just talked to him?

‘I’m coming with you. Tomorrow,’ Jim said, sitting back down beside her. ‘I want to be there, I want to be with you.’

Amber shook her head. ‘No, Jim, I… I’m still trying to get my head around the bombshell that you’re Brandon Palmer’s dad, and that’s enough to deal with right now. So I’m not sure I…’ Not sure she was what? What wasn’t she sure of? She couldn’t even think straight right now let alone make any real decisions. ‘I just don’t know if I want you there.’

‘Amber, honey, I’m your husband, and I love you…’

She stared at him. ‘Do you? Do you really? Only, you keep doing this to me, Jim. You keep throwing shit at me and then expect me to deal with it just like that, and I really don’t know if I’ve got the energy to deal with any of it anymore.’

He gave one last attempt to take her hand, and this time she relented, letting his fingers wrap around hers. She was right. She didn’t have the energy to deal with it, but she also knew she had no other choice left now but to try.

‘I want to make this right, Amber. And I don’t even know how to start explaining things to you because there’s no excuse for keeping something so big from you… there’s no excuse.’

She threw her head back and sighed, closing her eyes for a second as though that short space of time would give her some clarity on this situation. Like that was going to happen any time soon. ‘I take it he’s using his first game for Wearside Spartans to announce the family link, am I right?’

Jim nodded, gently rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.

‘Why, Jim? Why keep him a secret all this time? Because you’re right, that hasn’t been fair on him, never mind me.’

‘I don’t know, Amber,’ Jim sighed, looking down at their joined hands. ‘I don’t know why I do half the things I do sometimes. All I know is that having you back in my life… I didn’t want anything to jeopardise that.’

‘We’re talking about your son here, Jim. A real-life human being…’ The phone ringing stopped her from going on and she reached over to the bedside table, picking up the receiver and answering the call immediately. ‘Hey, Ronnie.’ She’d recognised his mobile number flashing up on the screen.

‘Did you know about this?’ he asked, his voice full of something she could only assume was surprise. ‘Did you know Brandon Palmer is…?’

‘I know,’ she said, interrupting him before he could finish the sentence. ‘Jim’s told me.’

‘Oh, so
now
he’s decided to tell you? I’m assuming you had no idea about any of this before?’

‘No,’ Amber replied, her voice quiet but steady, despite the somewhat surreal events surrounding her. ‘No, I didn’t. But that’s not the impression we’re going to give everybody else, okay?’

Jim’s expression changed to one of confusion again as she spoke, an emotion that also seemed to have taken over Ronnie’s tone on the other end of the line.

‘Huh? What the hell are you talking about?’

‘If it comes out that I had no idea Brandon Palmer was Jim’s son, how’s that gonna look?’

‘It’s gonna look like the truth.’

‘I don’t want to start another media frenzy on top of the one that’s already going to happen now everyone knows who Brandon’s father really is. We can all do without that, especially now. I’ve got enough to deal with.’

‘Amber, babe, are you sure about this? I mean…
when
did he tell you? Jim, I mean.’

‘Just now.’

‘Just
now
?’

‘Yes. Just now. Look, Ronnie, we’re right in the middle of something, as you can imagine, so all I’m going to say is, if anyone asks you whether I knew about Brandon, the answer is yes. Okay? And I know everyone at Cloud Sports is going to think this is all a bit weird, that I didn’t say anything about this, but… well, I’ll deal with all that later.’

‘Amber…’

‘Can you just do that for me? Please? You know more than anyone that I’ve got a lot on my mind right now and I really don’t want this to become something bigger than it needs to be.’ She looked at Jim, his hand still holding tightly onto hers. ‘Jim knows what he’s done. He knows.’

‘Well, you’re more forgiving than I would be.’

‘Can you just do that for me, Ronnie? Please?’

She heard him sigh heavily down the line. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine. Really, I’m okay.’

‘Well, you know where I am if…’

‘If I need you, yeah, I know. I’ll see you later.’ She put the phone down and looked at Jim. ‘He won’t be the only one ringing, you know that, don’t you? My Dad’ll be next, and Christ knows what
he’ll
have to say. He’s only just got used to the idea that you slept with me when I was sixteen years old.’

‘Did you mean that?’ Jim asked, squeezing her hand, probably tighter than was necessary but he was anxious. More anxious than he’d ever felt in his life. ‘About letting everyone think that you knew about Brandon all along?’

She let go of his hand, standing up and walking over to the wardrobe. ‘You heard what I said to Ronnie. I really haven’t got the energy to deal with this right now, so yeah, I’ll play the happy step-mum and pretend this is such a proud day for all of us.’ She pushed a hand through her hair, her eyes meeting his. ‘I suggest you call Brandon’s agent and let him know what’s going on before we get to the stadium.’

‘I’ll call Max in a minute, but…’

Amber frowned. ‘Max? Max Mandell?
He’s
Brandon’s agent? Jesus Christ, this day just gets better…’

‘Amber…’

‘What? Is there anything else you want to add to the crap you’re piling on me today? Got something else you want to throw at me? Any more secrets you’d like to get off your chest?’

Jim flinched slightly, taking a deep breath before he spoke again. ‘Does Ronnie know that you… Did you tell him about…?’

She let out another cynical laugh, turning away from him. ‘You not happy with that? Does that make you feel just a little bit angry that I confide in another man about something that involves you? Does that bother you?’

‘Yes, actually, it does.’

She swung round to stare at him. ‘Well fucking tough, Jim. Deal with it. Secrets can really fucking hurt, can’t they?’

‘Amber… Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.’

‘That word is so overused by you, Jim.’

‘What you’re doing today… I really appreciate…’

The expression on her face made him flinch again. ‘I’m not doing this for you, and I’m not even doing it for Brandon, although God knows he didn’t deserve to have to keep your secrets, too. I’m doing it because I really don’t need the drama. Not today. I can’t think about anything else except what I’m going to be told tomorrow, and this… this is just…’ It was almost as if everything had all of a sudden come crashing down on top of her, all at once. Everything he’d told her, the reality of what that now meant, and the fact that she might never be able to have a child of her own – something she really, truly hadn’t realised she’d wanted quite as badly as she did right now. And after what he’d just told her, the pain of never being able to carry his baby was going to hurt twice as much, she knew that. If that was what she was told tomorrow, if her worst fears were confirmed, she knew she was going to feel things she’d never experienced before, emotions she was going to find hard to keep in check, and the thought of that brought with it an all-consuming sadness that just took over, causing her to sink to her knees, the tears finally falling, her whole body shaking with sobs she couldn’t control.

‘Oh Jesus, Amber…’ Jim ran over to her, crouching down beside her, pulling her into his arms and, despite everything, she let him hold her. She needed to be held, needed to be close to someone. And she loved him. Even after everything that had happened, she still loved him with every inch of her being, every beat of her breaking heart, and she didn’t know if she could do this without him. She didn’t know if she wanted to. ‘Baby, I am so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.’

She took a deep breath, willing the tears to slow down, to give her a second to try and be strong. ‘Just call Max, Jim. Please. Let’s at least try and keep this thing under some kind of control, okay? That’s the best thing you can do for me right now.’ Letting go of him, the tears still streaming down her face, she stood up, pushing both hands through her hair as she took another deep breath. ‘I’m going to get ready. Just make sure everyone over there at Spartans knows the score, okay?’

‘Amber… You really don’t have to do this.’

She looked at him as he stood there, hands in his pockets, his handsome face sporting an expression that told her he probably was truly sorry for what he’d just done. For what he’d been doing for over twenty years. She just didn’t know if that was enough anymore. ‘No. I know I don’t.’

‘Let me come with you tomorrow, please. I don’t want you to go through this on your own.’

‘I’m used to it, Jim.’ She looked up at him, part of her wanting to slap him for hurting her yet again, but another part of her just wanting things to be normal. She wanted the clock to rewind and this day to begin again, without the surprises and the drama. ‘You’ve put me in a really uncomfortable position at work, too. I mean, people are going to ask why I didn’t let on about you being Brandon Palmer’s dad, that’s a given because of the job I do. For Christ’s sake, we were only talking about him yesterday in the studio, and now this has all come out… I’m going to have some explaining to do.’

‘You’re a professional, Amber. We both are, and we’ll get through this, I promise.’