Exposure (14 page)

I
didn’t leave
the hospital for several more weeks, but I had support in the form of Asher during those several weeks. He was working, of course, but he would come and visit me in the evenings. And I was getting stronger every day, with the intensive therapy and group sessions daily. Plus, it seemed that the anti-depressants and the anti-anxiety medicines really were helping. I gradually went from the courtyard to walking tentatively around the grounds of the hospital. I even participated in one group outing – we went to the Guggenheim one day and got some hot chocolate afterwards. I felt proud of myself for getting through that outing without a single panic attack. I had brought along preparations just in case, though – I brought my inhaler and my anti-anxiety meds. But I didn’t really need either thing, and I had a really good time.

I finally felt, after that group outing, that I was going to recover enough to regain control of my life. And Asher coming to visit every day certainly helped as well.

So, it finally came time for me to leave the hospital and attempt to live life on my own terms. I was sad to say goodbye to Emily, of course, and I felt badly for her. She was still struggling with her own recovery from drugs and what had happened to her son, so she didn’t feel ready to tackle the outside world just yet.

“But I’ll keep in touch,” I said to her. “I’ll come and visit you while you’re here, and, when you’re out, we’ll get together as much as we can.”

She looked sad. “That sounds great, but who knows when I’ll be out? But I’m happy for you, and I really hope that I can make the same kind of progress that you have.”

I gave her a hug, and she cried a little. “That’s the worst thing about being in her for so long,” she said. “Making new friends and seeing them leave, while I’m still stuck.”

“You won’t be,” I said. “You’re going to get out of here and you’re not going to go back to drugs. And you’re going to try to live life without regret. Just as I’m going to try to do. Live life without regret. I can’t live life without sadness or grief. That will always be with me. But I think that I’ve finally learned to leave regrets behind, and that is the most important thing for me.”

And I had. I was filled with regret before I got help here in the hospital. Regret was all that I knew. But, by the time I left, I learned to channel the feelings of regret into something more positive. I learned to live my life in honor of my little brother, instead of avoiding life because of fear and the ever-present “what ifs” that had started to haunt my every second.

I felt that I was in remission for my agoraphobia, although what Dr. Valence had warned me about was always on my mind – that I might feel that I’ve recovered, but I might always be in danger of back-sliding. So, I knew that I had to be diligent for the rest of my life. I had to learn to recognize the signs that I might be in danger of having another panic attack, plan for this contingency, and have a sound strategy in place in case it happened.

Since my recovery was going to be something that was on-going, Asher arranged for me to see Dr. Valence twice a week. He agreed to pay for the sessions, but I insisted that I would be able to take care of myself once I started working again. That was important to me – I didn’t want to rely on Asher, or anybody else, for my living expenses and other things. I wanted to stand on my own two feet, and have a nice relationship that was merely a bonus in my life, and not the center of my world. That was always how I had wanted it before, so I knew that, once I got back into the world, that would be the best way to live my life again.

It did help, though, that Asher had paid off my previous medical bills. And he insisted upon putting money into my account so that I didn’t drown when I got out of the hospital. I was truly astounded that he just put another $100,000 into my bank account, over my protestations, but he told me that he wanted to make sure that I felt secure.

“Okay,” I said. “But I’m going to start working again, and then I’ll pay you back.”

He shook his head. “I insist. This money is a drop in the bucket for me, but, for you, it could be the difference between having living expenses for awhile and not having living expenses for awhile. Trust me, you don’t need the added stress of not knowing how to make ends meet, on top of everything else that you’ll be dealing with.”

I hated it, but I knew that he was right. I was going to have to get back into working slowly and tentatively. I didn’t want to have to worry about making rent or buying groceries or any of those things. But $100,000 was too much, and I knew that, once I really got back into things, I wouldn’t use most of that money. But it was nice to know that it was there.

S
o it was
that on a Wednesday, I signed papers terminating my stay there in the hospital. Asher was standing there, ready to take my hand as I took one shaking hand to the papers. Was I truly ready for this? I had found security and comfort being in the hospital. I had made new friends through group therapy. I was around others who were going through the same thing that I was. All of this meant that I had spent my time in the hospital living in an alternate reality.

I prayed that I would be okay.

A
sher took me home
. I wanted to see Scarlett and try to make amends to her for not getting in touch, and just leaving her to live with Asher. I really wasn’t treating her right, and I was starting to understand why. According to my therapy sessions, Scarlett represented to me somebody who hadn’t experienced tragedy and loss. This was why I had tried to minimize my own problems when I was around her. I didn’t want to trouble her anymore than I already did.

I knew that I did have to lean on her just a little more, and let her in on how I was feeling. I was learning how to communicate better with everyone in my life. I knew that covering up was not the way to go, and that my covering up my emotions was a major reason why I was agoraphobic – I had essentially turned my emotions inward, which led to the fear and panic.

Asher smiled at me in the back of the limo as we made our way back to my apartment. “Are you nervous?” he asked me.

I nodded my head. “Yes. I won’t lie. I’ve felt safe and protected in the hospital. Now, I have to face life again, and, when I say I have to face life again, I mean I have to truly face life again. I have to try to get back to some sense of normalcy, and it’s truly frightening for me.” I paused for a few minutes, and noticed that Asher was holding my hand thoughtfully. “It means a lot, though, Asher, that you’re going to be there.”

He took a deep breath. “I know. I’m very happy to be there for you, too. I know that you probably think that I’m trying to save you, when I couldn’t save my mother, and I admit that might be a part of why I’m so drawn to you. But only a part. Mostly, I just see your potential, and I’m excited to help you realize it.”

We finally got to my apartment building, and I drew a breath. This apartment represented so many things to me – it represented my getting my life back. It represented a time before I fell apart, because, before the tragedy, I had experienced many a joyful evening in there just hanging around after work, shooting the shit with Scarlett. So, I had happy memories there. It also represented something scary, because the apartment was my hideout from the world for all of those dark months after Nathaniel’s death. The place felt like it might be haunted, as if my depression for those months might have seeped into the walls and permeated it.

I once talked to a psychic who told me that houses absorbed negative energy from the occupants, which was why some houses felt foreboding for no real reason. I wondered if my apartment would feel foreboding, and if the apartment actually did absorb my negative energy that I was emitting throughout the past few months.

My legs felt heavy as we approached my apartment.
It’s going to be okay, CJ. It will be okay. This is your home.

I opened the door, and walked into the place. Nobody was home – Scarlett had apparently gone out for the evening. I hadn’t told her that I was coming home, because I didn’t even tell her that I was in the hospital to begin with.

I breathed in a small sigh of relief, knowing that I didn’t quite have to face her questions just yet. Because those questions would inevitably come – she was going to want to know what had happened to me. I knew that she was worried, and I felt awful for being the cause for such concern. I would handle it, but, for right at that moment, I didn’t have to, and I was relieved.

“Well,” I said to Asher. “Thank you very much for making sure I got home. I would very much like to invite you to stay.” I was suddenly feeling anxious that he might want to leave. But I also knew that I had to stand on my own two feet, and I couldn’t cling to him.

“I’d like to stay,” he said. He was standing next to me, so close that I could hear his heart beating. “I would very much like to stay.”

He enveloped me in his arms, and I could already feel his hard-on poking through his pants. I put my head on his chest, feeling the rhythm of his heart as I held onto him. This felt the same as before, yet somehow different. It was different because we were different. Our relationship was different. The sex between us was going to mean something, and I was truly looking forward to that.

I was feeling something that I wasn’t necessarily accustomed to at that point. And that feeling was that of nervousness. Anticipation. It was as if it were the first time for us, after we had been dating for awhile. I was suddenly self-conscious.

He took off my coat. Underneath my coat, I was wearing a sweater with a camisole underneath it, as the sweater had a deep-V neckline. He put his hand on my butt, and caressed it through my jeans. “I really missed you,” he said to me. “I mean, I really missed this. Being close to you like this.”

He leaned into me some more, not even trying to hide the fact that he had a massive erection that was pitching a tent through his pants. I was backed up against the wall, and he put his hands on either side of me on the wall and his lips enveloped mine hungrily. Greedily. He raised my face up with his hand, his finger on the tip of my chin. I put both of my arms around his neck, drawing him down closer to me.

He took off my sweater, leaving me just in my camisole. Then he slipped down one of the straps on my camisole and kissed my shoulder lightly while one of his hands stroked my breasts. I sighed, loving the feeling of his lips caressing the top of my shoulder and onto my clavicle and neck.

I drew him in closer to me, while I massaged his hard-on, which was still standing at attention in his pants. Between labored breaths I said “I can’t wait for this. I can’t wait for you to fuck me hard. I need to feel you squirt in between my legs.”

He smiled, and kissed me gently. “Oh, I will fuck you. I’ll fuck you deeply and completely. I’m going to make you scream, and then I’m going to make you scream some more. You’re mine, CJ. Your body belongs to me. Your body craves my body, in the same way that my body craves yours. I want you to be thoroughly and glorious sated by the time I get through with you.”

I sighed, knowing that it had been a long time, and knowing that it was going to be a feeling unlike any other before. Because I was in love with this guy, there was just no denying it. And he said that he felt the same way about me.

He had the other strap of my camisole down, and he was working on that shoulder. Biting, sucking, kissing and caressing. He put his hand on my stomach, and it inched up towards my breasts, which were bare beneath the camisole. He stroked one of my breasts, and then the other, pinching the nipples and making me moan. I wrapped one of my legs around his own, and he brought down my jeans and panties. He then brought down his own pants and underwear and lifted me up. He was so strong and virile, and we were still half-clothed. His dress shirt was still on, and my camisole was still covering my torso.

With a passionate kiss, he lowered me down on his cock. He filled me up while I groaned with pleasure. My back was still against the wall, and he grinded into me over and over while I clutched him tightly, my legs wrapped around his torso.

“Oh, that feels so fucking amazing,” I said, as his cock reached depths that it never had before. There was something about this particular position that made me wetter than I had ever been. Hornier than I had ever been. I could feel my juices running down his cock, and I had the feeling of fullness that I hadn’t experienced in so long.

He was right – I did crave him. Even when I tried to tell myself that I didn’t crave him, I knew that I was lying to myself. My body was absolutely crying out for him with every touch. With every thrust of his manly cock, my body felt more and more like it was absolutely on fire.

He was kissing me again, and I pulled on his hair while he groaned. “Are you ready for this, CJ?” he asked me. He whispered in my ear. “Are you ready to feel my hot cum inside of you?”

I nodded, even though I knew that we were being careless. He wasn’t wearing a condom, so I was excited to actually feel him cum inside of me, while I was nervous for what it might mean. Probably nothing, as I was on birth control, but it did add just an element of danger.

“Please, Asher. Please cum inside of me. I want to feel you cum inside of me.”

Here I was, back to begging again. He shook his head. “Not yet,” he said. “I need to make you come many more times.”

I didn’t think that I possibly could come many more times without passing out from lack of oxygen. As it was, my legs were shaking tremendously. I reared back my head, and, sure enough, I felt another orgasm pulsating through my entire body. This particular orgasm rocked me to the very core, and I screamed out in pure adrenaline-fueled ecstasy. As I did, I felt Asher squirt inside of me. He lowered me down to the ground, both of us completely out of breath.

He kissed me on my lips, passionately, for a few more minutes. His hand was on my chin, and his kisses were tender and light. “How does it feel to make love as a free woman?” he asked.

I knew what he meant. I was literally free, at least for the time being. Free, as in, I could start to enjoy life again. I could theoretically go to the park, I could take in a movie, and I could truly enjoy Chinese food in a restaurant of my choice. I could work again, although I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to return to my former life of stalking celebrities. It was a fun gig, but I was starting to feel that I was a part of the intrusions that these poor people had to endure, and I wasn’t entirely liking that.

“Well, I don’t want to get ahead of myself,” I said. “I’m nervous of having a relapse. But, I have to say, it does feel amazing. It feels amazing to be here with you, and it feels amazing that I can go outside and not go ape-shit.”

He chuckled. “I knew that you could do it. I knew it when I met you – you’re a woman with an amazing spirit. You had a major setback, but you’re a fighter. Not that it gets completely easy to just go on living, day by day, when there’s a specter of tragedy in your midst. But it does get easier. Never easy, just easier.”

I nodded. He knew of what he was speaking. I touched his cheek lightly. He covered my hand with his own, and kissed it. “Now, let’s get naked and into your bed, shall we?” he said, as he picked me up and took me into the bedroom.

We both stripped off the rest of our clothes and got into bed. I admired his beautiful body, and I absent-mindedly put my fingers on his scar. I still wondered about that scar. It was about three inches long, and looked like somebody had knifed him. He looked uncomfortable while I touched it.

I looked at him. “You have secrets, don’t you?”

He screwed up his face. “Why do you say that?”

I didn’t say anything at first. I didn’t know if I should. I didn’t really want to break up the moment that we were having. The happy moment, post mind-blowing sex, where we were just supposed to fool around some more and enjoy each other. We hadn’t been together intimately in several weeks, so we really should have been making up for lost time. Not talking about more heavy subjects.

I took a deep breath. “Sophie. She’s an awful woman, of course. But she told me that I didn’t really know you. Then, when I asked you about what she said, your reaction was…not what I was expecting. I thought you would laugh it off, but you didn’t.”

He shook his head. “Sophie doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She would say or do anything to get me back, and that would definitely include whispering nasty rumors into my girlfriend’s ear. You have to take her with a grain of salt.”

“Now, you see.
That
was what I expected you to say when she said that shit to me. But you didn’t say all that, not at that time.”

Asher opened his mouth, and then closed it again. “There’s nothing you don’t know about me. What you see is what you get. I’m just a guy who grew up dirt poor and managed to patent methods of alternative energy that made me a lot of money. But I started small when I opened my company, just like anybody else. It just so happened that my alternative energy sources, which were cheaper to produce than anybody else’s and more efficient than anything else on the market, blew up. Getting into emerging markets made my company into a multi-billion dollar enterprise.” He shrugged. “That’s really all there is to it.”

I sighed. I wished that there wasn’t anything to worry about, but the whole thing nagged at me. I knew why it was just now bothering me, too. I was feeling that I was falling so head over heels for this guy that there soon would be no way back for me. And if I found out that there were some severe skeletons in his closet…well, I didn’t think that I could handle serious revelations about his background.

“Come on,” he said, kissing me again. “Your roommate will probably be home soon, so I need to make you scream some more in the time being. When she gets home, you’ll probably hold back.” He tickled my clit and put my hand on his cock, which was hard again. “Give it to me CJ,” he groaned as he put my head down on his shaft. “Give it to me good, like you always do.”

I did, putting my lips on his cock and sucking it forcefully. He groaned and pulled my hair. “Stop. I want to be inside you again,” he said, as he flipped me on my back and entered me. My swollen pussy was on fire again as he filled me up again and again. As I climaxed, I knew that there was really no way back for me. This man had claimed me, body and soul, and that was all there was to it. No matter what kind of ugly revelations came out about him, I belonged to him.

That scared me more than just about anything possibly could at that point in time.