Everything You Want (12 page)

“Waiting for me?” I asked, when he looked
over at me.

“No, I…” he trailed off. 
“Maybe.”  He smiled.

I smiled back and went to lean against
the rail beside him.

“I was hoping you’d let me cook you
dinner.  One of those mean grilled cheeses we talked about?  I could
also open a can of tomato soup.  I’m talented like that.”

I bit my lip, trying to tame the
outrageous grin that was threatening to break loose across my face.  I’d
been thinking about him all day.  I’d actually been thinking about him
constantly since Friday night.  It had been five days since I’d heard from
him, and I was beginning to get worried.  Well, okay, I was way past
worried.  Seeing him put all of that at ease, though.

“Where’ve you been?” I asked as I
followed him into his apartment, trying not to sound desperate.

“I was helping Kiera move out all
weekend, and Monday I took a personal day to help her get settled in at my
parents’ house.  Yesterday I was catching up with school stuff.”

“Oh.”

“I was thinking about you.  I wanted
to call or text or something, but I don’t have your number yet.”

“We need to fix that,” I said.

“Agreed.”  He tossed me his phone
and I typed my number into it.

“There.”  I set it on the coffee
table and walked into the kitchen with him.

We stood there, a foot from each
other.  “So, grilled cheese, huh?” I asked, my voice way too breathy.

“Uh-huh,” he said, looking straight at
me, his eyes serious and full of longing.

Suddenly he pulled me against him,
crushing his lips against mine.  I responded by placing a hand on either
side of his face and kissing him back urgently.  He picked me up and
carried me over to his couch, not even breaking the kiss when he laid me down
and lowered himself on top of me.

Kieran was the first to come up for
air.  “I’ve got to tell you,” he whispered.

“Tell me what?” I asked, out of breath
from the kiss.

“I’m not…I don’t do relationships well.”

“Okay…” What was he trying to tell
me?  That he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me?  At that
moment, I honestly didn’t care.  I just wanted to get back to that kiss.

He must have been thinking the same
thing, because he leaned back down and kissed me, wrapping me in a tight
embrace.

After a minute he pulled away
abruptly.  Again. 

“I can’t—I can’t.”  His
expression was pained as he looked away from me and sat up.

I bit my lip and inhaled deeply.  I
slid out from under him and scooted to the end of the couch, pulling my knees
up to my waist and wrapping my arms around my legs.  Kieran walked away
into the kitchen, turned away from me.

“Why?” I asked after a moment. 

“It’s not you.  You’re
perfect.  You’re…everything.  It’s me.  You don’t want to be
with me.”

I stood up and walked over to him. 
I laid my hands on his shoulders and I heard him inhale sharply.  I turned
him around to face me.  “I’m pretty sure I do,” I said.  I smiled at
him, and for a second I thought I saw his face light up just a little, but then
he stepped away, his eyes clouding over again.

“No,” he said.  “Not when you don’t
really know me.”

“I want to know you.”

“I don’t want you to,” he said harshly.

I took a step backwards, hurt by his
words.

“No, that’s not—I didn’t mean that
like it sounded.”  He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, pulling
strands loose from his ponytail as he did.  “I’m sorry.”

I nodded, swallowing. 

“Like I said, I don’t do relationships.”

“Who said I needed one?” I asked.

Kieran smiled sadly and shook his
head.  “If you were any other girl, that’s all you’d need to say, but not
you.”

“What’s wrong with me?”

He laughed sharply.  “Nothing is
wrong with you.  I’m trying to tell you even if you don’t want a
relationship with me, I want one with you.  I’ve wanted you all summer. 
And that’s why we have to stop this, right now.” 

“You’re not making any sense.”

“I’m trying to protect you.”

“Protect me?”

“From me.”

“Kieran—”

“You should go.  Please?” 
Kieran walked over to the sink and gripped the counter, bracing himself. 

And then it clicked.  The pieces of
the puzzle that had been floating around in my head finally snapped together. 
Shannon’s words at the bar, the distance Kieran kept putting between us, and
finally, the faded tattoo on his chest.  Why had it taken this long?

“Who’s Becca?”

I could see his back stiffen.  He
stood completely still for a few long seconds, and then hung his head.  I
stood there, waiting.  After a minute, he turned around.

“I met her junior year.  She was
new, and my high school was big, so I didn’t notice her right away.  The
first time I saw her was at a pep rally.  She was on the dance team. 
After that, I was obsessed.  I thought she was the most beautiful person
I’d ever seen.  By the end of the semester I’d finally gotten up enough
courage to talk to her, and a few weeks after that we were together.  The
first six months were perfect.  I mean it.  Perfect.  After
that, things started to change. She wanted to spend less time together, hang
out with other people.  She found this new group of friends.  I was
so jealous of them.  She’d blow me off to be with them, flirt with the other
guys right in front of me.  She was pushing me away, and I panicked. 
She saw how she was affecting me, and she figured out pretty fast that I wasn’t
going to leave her and she took advantage of it.  She controlled me. 
She knew I’d do anything for her.  This went on for two and a half
years.  I knew I should get out, but I didn’t want to.  Life without
her seemed so…terrifying.  I was obsessed with her, with our love. 
It defined me.  So I held on.”

He paused and took a deep breath. 
He wasn’t looking at me.  I think maybe he forgot I was in the room. 
He looked so lost.

“Then one day, she broke it off.  It
was out of nowhere, or at least I thought it was then. She found someone else
and she cut me out, completely.  That first month I really thought I was
going to go insane.  I was so lost.  I’d been living for her, and
after she was gone, I didn’t know who I was without her.  I started
drinking a lot.  Then had my accident.  For years, I blamed
her.  I told myself that she was psychotic, that she was selfish, that she
was heartless.  It was stupid, but it made me feel better.  And then,
about a year later, I saw her wedding announcement in the Sunday paper, and she
looked so happy, so in love.  I wanted to be happy for her, but it hurt so
bad.  All I could think about was how she’d never looked that happy with
me.  After that, I couldn’t deny it anymore.  It was me.  I was
what was wrong with us.  I—we—had something amazing, and I
ruined it.  I wasn’t good enough for her, and I’m not good enough for you.”

I gave him a minute before I spoke. 
He was gripping the counter, looking down again.  I saw a couple tears
fall in the sink and my heart broke.  Finally, I spoke.  “Kieran, all
of that was a long time ago, right?”

“Yes,” he said, still not looking up.

 “Okay.  For what it’s worth, I
don’t think you ruined your relationship with Becca.  Sometimes things
like that just don’t work out, for lots of reasons.  It sounds to me like
she wasn’t good enough for you.  Even so, you can’t stop living your life
because you’re scared of screwing up.”

“That’s not it,” he said, suddenly
looking up at me. 

“Then what is it?”

“The day I got out of the hospital, I
told myself I wouldn’t get involved with someone like that again.”

“But I’ve seen you with girls before.”

“Yeah, I go out with some girls, but I’m
never involved with them, and in the three years since all of that happened, it
hasn’t been a problem.  Then I met you.  Marissa, what I feel for
you…it’s familiar, and it scares me. With Becca, I’d never felt so out of control
in my life, and I hated it.  I never want to feel that way about anyone
again.”

“So you’re just afraid of getting hurt,
then?”

“No.”

“What is it, then?”

“I’m afraid of losing myself.”

“See this scar?  I’m reminded of
Becca everyday.  Of how I let myself get to the point where I thought life
wasn’t worth living without her.”

I frowned.  “I thought it was drunk
driving accident?”

“Ha.  Everybody thinks it was. 
Even Kiera .  But you know what? It wasn’t, not really.  I told
you.  I’m not an alcoholic.  Yeah, I was out of it all the time, but
not that night.  I’d been drinking.  I guess I was even over the legal
limit, that’s what the report said, but my thinking was clear.  I was
driving home from a party and I remember thinking how easy it would be, how
easy to veer off the road, let my car drift off the edge.” 

“But the report said you were
drunk.  You may think you were thinking clearly, but you weren’t.”

“But I was!  I made the
decision!  I didn’t slide off the road because I lost control of the car,
or because I was too drunk to realize what I was doing.  I made the decision
to let go of the wheel, and then I let everybody think that it was because I
was smashed because I would rather people think I was an alcoholic than
suicidal.”

He inhaled audibly.  I walked over
to him, laid my hand on his shoulder.  I looked into his eyes, searching
them.  The hurt I saw was almost unbearable.

“Are you still in love with her?” I
asked.

“No.”

“Okay.”

We stood there for a few moments before
he said, “Some people are just meant to be alone.”

“Maybe.  But you’re not one of
them.”

“Marissa, don’t.”

“Kieran, I’m not her, and you’re not the
same person you were then.  You won’t make those same mistakes
again.  You were young, you were in over your head, but you’re past that
now.  So don’t pretend this is about protecting me.  You’re protecting
you, and that’s okay.  But if you decide you want to move on, you know
where I’ll be.”

I pressed a kiss to his cheek and left.

Back in my apartment, I sank on the
couch, exhausted.  I wanted to help Kieran, but I couldn’t help someone
who didn’t want it.  Everything he told me was meant to drive me away, but
it only made me feel closer to him, and that made me want him even more.

I heard a soft knock on the door and
stiffened.  I inhaled deeply before opening it.

Kieran was standing there, pain etched
all over his face.

“I’m so sorry, Marissa,” he said. 
“You’re right.  You’re so right.”

Kieran

The second Marissa walked out the door, I
knew I’d messed up.  What was I thinking?  This was Marissa.  I
was in love with her.

I swallowed the lump in my throat.  I
was in with love her.  As much as I never wanted to love anyone again, I
did, and it was scary, but not as scary as the realization that I might’ve just
driven her away for good.

And then, something inside me
snapped.  An intense need flowed through my veins and I decided I couldn’t
live like this anymore.  I couldn’t be without her.

I ran out the door, barely bothering to
close it behind me.  My head screamed at me to stop, that this was good,
that I’d stopped it before it had even started, exactly what I’d planned to
do.  I didn’t want to stop it, though.  I wanted her.  No matter
how things turned out, even if things ended badly and I ended up in the same
place I was three years ago, I didn’t care about that.  Nothing could stop
me.  I needed to be with her.

I pounded on her door.  Even if I
had to beg, I was getting in that apartment.  To my surprise, though, the
door opened right away.

“You’re right,” I said.  “You’re so
right.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but I
didn’t give her a chance.  I pulled her against me and kissed her hard,
like I’d never have the chance to kiss her again.  Because, up until a few
seconds ago, I didn’t think I would.

I scooped her up and walked us into her
apartment, kicking the door shut behind me.

“What made you change your mind?” she
asked, breathless.

“You,” I said.  “I just want you.”

Marissa

The next morning I woke up under the
covers, wondering how I’d gotten there.  George was curled up above my
head, Oatmeal at my feet, and Tulip against my side. I noticed my shoes,
sitting neatly against my closet door, but I didn’t remember taking them off.

Then I remembered.  Kieran had been
here.  We’d stayed up all night, talking, getting to know each other
better.  Or at least I thought we did, but I must’ve drifted off.