Everything Was Fine Until Whatever (6 page)

Problems

 

Among other things, Jessica knew the names of all her friends by heart. She knew when to use nicknames and when not to. She knew how important the difference was.

Whenever she had a kitten she ignored it. She didn’t want to get too attached to its cute kitten form. By the time it became a cat she had completely abandoned the idea of ever being close to it.

Jessica let her friends know things about her personal life. She told people when she felt drunk, for instance, if there were people around and it was appropriate to say such a thing.

She wanted to write an email to someone she once knew. She wanted the email to say just his name, and nothing else. She thought she would become very emotional if she ever received an email from him with just her name in it. It seemed so powerful.

She just wanted him to know she still thought about him and thought about his name.

There were things she had said to him that she had never said to anyone else. There was a time she let him express how strongly he felt for her over the phone while she remained silent. He had never done that before.

“I have a boyfriend,” she said finally.

“You didn’t tell me,” he said.

And she called him again a few months later, but it wasn’t the same.

Jessica pronounced words very lazily. She had other bad habits. She misused words. She threw around compliments. She whispered her name when introducing herself to people. She treated people badly if they were expecting her to. She didn’t know how to be close to felines, but we already went over this.

She called her friends on the phone at night and asked if they would talk about themselves until she fell asleep.

I accidentally shat on a person once. There, I said it.

Girls’ Guide to Boyfriends in Bathrooms

 

You are in the bathtub, lying opposite one another. You start slipping down into the water, but you are stopped, vaginally, by your boyfriend’s foot. You realize this is the first opportunity you have ever had to pee on his foot without him noticing.

I think it’s sad that they only sell the kind of shirts I like at Disneyland.

I think it’s sad that they’re making me work on Christmas.

And that all the other states seem so far away from California.

And that no one has ever heard of Wyoming.

And that fingernails don’t grow in vibrant colors.

I $ You

 

1. Buy artificial inseminations for you and your four closest girl friends. Make sure the sperm donor is the same for all five of you. Remain friends throughout your pregnancies and your children’s lives. Decide whose kid is best.
   
2. Legally adopt your brother’s child. Live with him and help raise the child. Explain to others how that isn’t incest.
   
3. Have a kid and don’t name it. On its fifth birthday, let it pick out its own name. Save money by insisting that the privilege of naming oneself is a valuable gift.
   
4. Gather five good boyfriends. Have sex with each of them until you get pregnant. After childbirth, give the baby a paternity test. Marry the biological father.
   
5. Get artificially inseminated by your brother. Explain to others how that isn’t incest.
   
6. Get pregnant with your boyfriend. Simultaneously, hire a surrogate mother to carry a baby made with your egg and your boyfriend’s sperm. See which baby turns out cuter.
   
7. Donate your eggs to curb the costs of all your abortions.
   
8. Tell your kid about blow jobs before you tell them about sex.
   
9. Be the surrogate mother for your grandparents. Abort the baby at the last minute.
   
10. Play a Russian Roulette Pregnancy: Get five sperm donors, only one of which is a desirable candidate for a biological father, and toss their sperm donation cylinders in a top hat. Choose one randomly. After childbirth, try to figure out whose baby you have.
    
11. Pretend you’re a prostitute but only have sex with one customer. Once you’re pregnant, sue for child support.
    
12. Get artificially inseminated by a ten-year-old. Explain to others why that isn’t pedophilia.
    
13. Get artificially inseminated by your son. Name the resulting baby after yourself.
    
14. Tell people you’re ‘pro-abortion’, not ‘pro-choice’.
    
15. Get pregnant at the same time as your sister. After childbirth, switch kids. Switch back when they’re five. Ask them if they missed you.
    
16. When you’re fifteen, get pregnant and then sue your parents for not explaining sex to you.
    
17. Get famous. Donate your eggs and see who notices their kids’ resemblance to you.
    
18. Get pregnant and go to an abortion clinic. Allow yourself to be persuaded to keep the baby. Demand child support from the pro-life activists.
    
19. You and your boyfriend get two sets of clones. When the clones are old enough, tell them each to reproduce. See if the offspring is identical.
    
20. Leave your baby at the hospital.
    
21. Cry loudly at your mom’s funeral until someone agrees to adopt you.
    
22. Marry someone with the same last name as you. Go through the name-changing paperwork anyway.
    
23. Give your kids legal first names that are traditionally nicknames: Rob, Billy, and Becky.
    
24. Get pregnant. Artificially inseminate the growing baby inside of you.
    
25. Be the surrogate mother for your best friend’s baby, and she for yours. After both childbirths, determine which baby you’re most drawn to emotionally.
    
26. When your friend is drunk and blacked out, get her artificially inseminated. Don’t tell her.
    
27. Give abortion coupons to your friend as a baby shower gift. Say, “Preparation is key.”
    
28. Put your baby up for adoption. Ten years later, marry the baby’s adoptive father. Act like a step-mom.
    
29. Fill your daughter’s hope chest with condoms, makeup and morning-after pills.
    
30. Encourage your sister to get artificially inseminated by someone hotter than her husband.
    
31. Convince your sister to let you get artificially inseminated by her husband.
    
32. Cheat on your husband with your marriage counselor.
    
33. Make a few clones of yourself, simultaneously. Hire illegal immigrants to be the surrogate mothers. Die before the childbirths.
    
34. Be the surrogate mother for an awful ex-boyfriend’s clone. Give the clone Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
    
35. Fall asleep during sex. Sue your husband for raping you.
    
36. Choose a sperm donor who maintains an afro.
    
37. Ask your child to pick its favorite parent.
    
38. For your daughter’s twelfth birthday, buy her a mood ring and sausage flavored condoms.
    
39. Take photographs of your miscarriages. Put each of them in a scrapbook next to the photographs of the objects or people that you suspect caused the miscarriage.
    
40. Allow a homeless man to impregnate you. Insist that he have partial custody of the resulting child.
    

Kurt and Courtney

 

I realized I was in love with Andrew after I saw him shirtless at the 2nd Annual Kurt & Courtney themed Pool Party. He had a wet thermal tied around his waste and smudged lipstick and he smoked a cigarette melodramatically, but I saw him touch his chubby stomach insecurely, and suddenly I wanted to protect him. His stomach seemed inviting, like I was invited. The drug jokes got boring and everyone started talking sarcastically about Pro Wrestling. At one point, at the punch bowl, I said to Andrew “I love you,” and he said “I love you, too,” and we walked away from each other.

I was drunk and threw a pool toy from too far away from the pool and it hit the foot of a girl who was sitting at the edge of the pool. She swore at me belligerently and Andrew suggested I be more careful. He said it nicely and in-character but I suffered internally for the next hour, which probably helped my costume. He didn’t deserve me. All the Courtney’s wore their ripped fishnets into the pool and threw their blonde wigs at each other and Andrew was in love with all of them but me. I wanted to kill myself so I did, with a water gun full of vodka straight into the mouth.

Aphorism

 

There are no ‘right’ answers, just long boring ones and short funny ones.

Life is Time Consuming

 

My friend Andy always makes jokes about being in love with me. I think he jokes about it too much for it to be a joke.

I just called Verizon Wireless Customer Service and flirted with the Customer Service Representative and he quickly transferred me to a female Customer Service Representative, and I was very polite to her even though I felt humiliated.

I’ve been sending emails to this guy I used to babysit. He seems interested in the garage punk rock 60s Beatles scene, which I find really surprising.

My friend Dane comes over and we talk about math because he studies math. In my head I always exchange the math words for sex words, but I don’t think he gets it. He just thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m trying to find a way to make a sexually suggestive diagram for him for Valentine’s Day, not that I’m interested.

I just checked out the mailman. We just made eye contact. Oh shit, I think he’s coming over here to deliver a package.

My friend Ked buys me any food we eat when we’re together. When I’m annoyed with him I insist on paying for my own food.

Sometimes on the bus I make men fall in love with me by looking out the window and thinking very unnecessary, negative things about them.

I just accidentally licked my lips while maintaining eye contact with a gentleman on a skateboard. There’s a name for when that happens.

Acronyms To Expedite Conversation

 

BYOBF

Bring your own best friend

TIJLTEODC

This is just like that episode of Dawson’s Creek

TIJLTEOF

This is just like that episode of Frasier

TIJLTMABL

This is just like that movie A Bug’s Life

TIJLTMA

This is just like that movie ANTZ

DYW2DB2NOIDK

Do you want to drink beer tonight, or I don’t know

FL

Fried labia

TRG

That’s really great

NAJKJK

Nice ass, just kidding just kidding

LOLNL

Laughing out last night’s lasagna

PT

Posh tosh

WWF

Whatever whatever forever

MMJCANIFC

My mom just called and now I feel crazy

MMJCAMMRSATE

My mom just called and made me really scared about the economy

ISATE

I’m scared about the economy

YKWIM

You know what I mean

ITAL

I’m talking about love

TIJLTSFHM

This is just like that scene from Home Alone

TIJLIHAWKGIMMFD

This is just like in Home Alone when Kevin goes “I made my family disappear.”

IFLWHA

I feel like watching Home Alone

CSM

Communal sex mattress

RUSI

Are you sad inside

PAB

Poop ass butt

HHAYIG

Hi how are you I’m great

AW

Anyways whatever

Pfeiffer

 

I’m telling myself not to finish my novel until I get some real living done. But the novel finishes itself nightly. And I bawl to every single movie now.

My novel keeps ending in a way that I don’t want, and I have to erase it. It always ends like the movies end. Everything comes together succinctly. In the end of my novel, Pfeiffer comes in out of nowhere and starts proclaiming things, starts making everyone feel very emotional. It’s hard not to feel emotional around Pfeiffer; she’s a very serious actress. But my novel is about two people sitting on a dock eating a sandwich together and throwing bits of sandwich into the water. It’s clear that she doesn’t belong, so I take her out.

My characters never get to say what they want to say. Pfeiffer is trying really hard to be a part of my novel. I erase her over and over. Character One says, “Are we trying to get the ducks to eat this?” Pfeiffer appears and disappears. Where is she when she is not in my novel? Character Two says, “The ducks are insignificant. The ducks are just pretense.” My characters both feel strong emotion. Character One thinks, “Sometimes a duck eats the piece of bread, sometimes the piece of bread just sinks.” Character Two thinks, “The other character is the most normal person I have ever met.” Pfeiffer comes in and says something extremely quotable. My characters notice that she has excellent posture. My characters roll their eyes. I edit. They don’t roll their eyes. I write lines about the shape of Pfeiffer’s upper lip and read them out loud. Details are significant. I get teary-eyed over my own writing. My characters try to figure out if the ducks are symbolic or if the sandwich is. I erase stuff. I don’t know. I cry a little more. I have the capacity to carry children and sometimes this causes me to act like a psychopath.

When I turn on the TV, Pfeiffer appears smiling naturally, hair bouncing. I turn the TV off and my novel loses all meaning. It would be so easy to turn the TV back on, let her tell me what I’m feeling. Because what am I feeling? But I’m scared of Pfeiffer. She can convey any emotion requested of her. My novel is in the other room and as I turn the TV off and on, the word count adjusts accordingly.