Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romance Novels (5 page)

One reason that fans of the romance genre read so much of it is that there are few experiences as thrilling as falling into an electric attraction or a feisty relationship with someone you’re seriously, seriously into. Falling into like, into love, or even into oh-my-gosh-I-want-to-kiss-you is a heady and delicious experience.

Author Julia London says that her readers thank her for the ability to re-experience their joy and excitement through fiction: “They have thanked me for giving them a romance to fall into. I think that feeling of falling in love is something we have all experienced and for many of us, that falling in love has turned to companionable love. Yet the feeling of falling is something we want to experience again, and I think readers can do that safely in a book and keep the love without giving up the love we have. It’s not that readers idolize the hero or heroine and wish their own spouse was more like that person. Reading romance is about the emotional attachment and connection, and enjoying that thrill in a contained narrative (one that guarantees a happy ending—don’t forget that part).”

Reading about the emotional experience allows the reader to enjoy it vicariously, to feel the emotional pull and upheaval without going through it personally—which is a good thing because it can be exhausting! This isn’t truly different from someone who adores thriller, spy, or crime novels because they enjoy being scared, or someone who reads fantasy or science fiction novels because they like the experience of being placed into an alternate universe and learning their way around each time they pick up a new book. That vicarious emotional and intellectual thrill is one reason people read and return to romance repeatedly. We see reflections of ourselves in romance, and of our own experiences, each time we read. To quote French author François Mauriac, “‘Tell me what you read and I’ll tell you who you are’ is true enough, but I’d know you better if you told me what you reread.”

Romance readers can find inspiration in their romance in myriad ways. Reba, a fan of the genre, says that one thing she enjoys “about romance novels is the [depiction of a] woman struggling for independence in a world that does not recognize her value. Historicals are especially good for this, but I think they only highlight things that women recognize exist to this day. To wit, even our literature is seen as ‘less than,’ despite strong writing, compelling storytelling, and regular inclusion of universal truths (or as universal as truths can get, anyway).

“So women fighting to be seen as strong, smart, fully realized human beings with something to offer strikes a chord with me. Since I do have the benefit of civil rights (such as they are) and a more open society (ditto), the least I can do is sally forth with as much pluck as the heroine of a Victorian novel, grateful that, if nothing else, I don’t have to manage a bustle.”

Seeing one’s values and desires in a narrative is powerful—and so is seeing the possibility of one’s ideal self. I realize that sounds tremendously Oprah-esque, but hear me out. Reading romances can and absolutely has taught readers to consider who they want to be, and has allowed them to understand themselves in a unique fashion.

It can be difficult to find realistic and possible encounters between two people in popular entertainment. The best storytelling combines the impossible drama, the improbable tension, and the realistic encounters that depict awkward and confusing human relations. Not everyone is in an impossibly exclusive private school for wealthy teens, or running for their lives from yet another serial killer, or being blackmailed into posing as a stunningly beautiful tycoon’s mistress, or fighting vampires in Regency England. But everyone knows that feeling when you see something or someone you admire, and find yourself wanting to emulate. Seeing your potential ideal self, whether she is brave, clever, funny, or merely able to get through the awkward moment of not knowing what to say to someone, can be absorbing and inspiring.

On a long and entertaining thread of comments on my website, romance readers shared with me what they learned from romance, and how they learned about themselves from the books they’ve enjoyed—and the characters they’ve loved and hated.

Avid reader Kelly says she thinks romances help her envision her own future because they help her picture situations objectively and figure out what it was she wanted in a relationship: “Romances have helped me to think through things. How would I act in this situation, how would I react to that, would I put up with that, what would be a deal-breaker, what would I SAY? For example, would I move across the country to be with him? Would I take the chance of being able to find a new job that I like as much as my current one? Do I trust him to be alone with his ex? Do I care that he has a difficult kid? Would I want to be with a guy who has that much anger? Is he too controlling? Romances have put words to feelings and experiences. When the hero and heroine break up, you feel the pain, and when you feel it in real life, it’s familiar and less scary. By acting out things in [my] imagination, I prepared for real life.

“Romance novels are over-the-top and exaggerated, completely focused on relationships, but that’s what they are for. The relationship lessons are highlighted by being exaggerated.”

Romance reader Nadia says romance has absolutely taught her how she would like to be valued: “I’d say being a lover of romances from early high school on did help me in relationships as a barometer of what I did or didn’t want. The heroines of favorite romances have one thing in common: they are worth the effort. And so, eventually, that seeped into my own thinking.

“Maybe he won’t have to save me from pirates, or disguise himself to secretly marry me to rescue me from a worse fate, or deliberately lose a major football game to keep me from getting killed by the villain, but dammit, he could make a date and keep it, wash the sheets before I spend the night, and cook dinner every now and then.”

I love how she expressed that idea: the heroine is worth the effort, no matter how insane and complicated that effort may be—and let’s be honest, there are some crazy situations that romance heroes and heroines have to dig themselves out of before they can reach the final pages and their happy-ever-after.

Olivia T. says similarly that romances have taught her about herself: “I did not start reading romance novels until after the end of my First Real Relationship. At first they were a comfort to me, reminding me that I was well rid of that idiot because he sure did not act like any of the heroes in the books I was reading.

“However, after reading more romance novels I found that romance is not about a perfect man meeting a perfect woman and living happily ever after…It isn’t about meeting a perfect man; it’s about meeting the man who is perfect for me. Romance has taught me to own myself.”

We interrupt this nonfictional celebration of romance to bring you…
romance!
Sprinkled throughout the book are excerpts from romances that illustrate the points I'm making, and represent some of the very best of the genre. Enjoy, and if you need a shopping list, there's one in the back.

Romance shows us that you have to look out for yourself first, and place the quest for someone else as a secondary concern to your own happiness. This is one aspect of romance novels that many people who don’t read them don’t quite get: at no time is anyone sitting around waiting for Lord Wonderful and His Majestic Pants to come galloping in on a giant (yet well-behaved) horse to sweep the heroine off her feet and into a blissfully purple and fuchsia happy-ever-after. Hell to the no.

No matter what you may have heard, romance novel heroines are not unilaterally selfless, spineless wimps who achieve a backbone only after being introduced to the erect specimen of manly achievement and consequence that is the hero. You might encounter a doormat heroine, but she is not the quintessential heroine any more. In fact, one thing you must know about romance readers is that we aren’t that impressed with novels featuring women who do nothing until the hero shows up. The most negative romance reviews on any website or online bookstore are frequently directed at books featuring a heroine with no spine to speak of.

Romance novels often feature women who are already accomplished and men who are relatively happy in their own lives as well. Romances featuring people who pine for someone, anyone who will do everything to make them happy, well, those aren’t romances. To quote the romantic comedy
The Holiday
: “You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God’s sake!” If a person who is content with his life meets someone who makes everything just a little bit more challenging, who both fits and doesn’t fit into his life and his routine, to quote Guy Fieri, it is On Like Donkey Kong: swing the rope, jump the barrel, and save the princess.

If you get nothing else from this chapter, or this entire book, let it be that romance novels, to quote Olivia, help readers own themselves and learn to become a heroine worth her own happy ending.

Romances can also help readers fix some not-so-attractive habits. Caroline writes that romances have helped her identify potentially crappy habits of her own: “There were some books that taught me just how stupid some behaviours are. I recognized my own actions in what the heroine was doing. When I stopped reading, I slapped my forehead and exclaimed ‘Wow, she’s a (insert descriptive of asshattery here).’ I stopped and went ‘but, but, but…I done did that with Mr. X. Oh s***!’ I knew that if I read it and it sounded dumb to do, maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t [do it] either?”

Amber G. also figured out some basics of interpersonal relationships from really annoying plot devices: “Romance taught me…that passive aggressive behaviour is aggravating. Nobody ends up happy when someone is upset and then waits for the other person to read their mind, getting angry when this obviously never happens.”