Everything Carries Me to You (Axton and Leander Book 3) (33 page)

Oh, Fridge Guy
, Axton thought.
I wanted to be friends, kind of.

"The place on the other side of the river," Dru said. "I think that'll be a good place."

"The health hazard on the other side of the creek?" Jack asked evenly. "The falling down cabin with the busted roof?"

"I think we should consider exile," Dana said, face flushed, arms crossed tight over his chest. "This sort of shit can't stand. Fucking disgusting."

Oh, Dana
, Axton thought, with a soft lack of surprise.
Don't give yourself away in the other direction, either, not now.

"Quiet," Dru snapped. "There's no need to be vulgar, Dana,"

"I'll tell you what's vulgar, being a cocks--"

"Quiet--"

"I mean, there are kids in this pack--"

"Quiet or I'll make you show him to his new lodgings," Dru said, "personally."

"Me? Alone with him? Now? Hell no," Dana said.

"I'll do it," Jack said, standing up, glaring at everyone. "I'll help him carry his things. To the shithole down the river. That you're putting him in."

Axton smiled wanly. One of three ain't--well, it wasn't the worst of all possible worlds. It was about the world he had expected. The lack of surprise surrounded him, downy like a dream's idea of a cloud.

"I think this meeting has gone on long enough," Dru said, to the crowd of drawn and tense faces, "unless someone else has a--"

"I don't think you should kick him out of the house," one of the twins said.

Oh, there was a surprise. Axton felt a vague pang of remorse about how he never bothered to learn how to tell the twins apart.

"Yeah," said one of the stocky, older wolves that shared the house. "That's uncalled f--"

"Good thing this isn't up for a
vote
, then," Dru said.

"Maybe it should be," said the other twin.

"Both of you will see me after the meeting," Dru said.

Axton stood up.

"I'm going," he said, sounding gentle and miles away. "Don't worry."

Jack tossed down his notes and folders. It was a small gesture that was dense with contempt.

"Meeting over," he announced. "I hope you're all pleased with yourselves."

He took a deep breath and turned to Axton.

"Let's go," he said.

They worked in silence, which was fine by Axton. It wasn't like he had very many things in his room, anyway. His clothes all fit in the bag he slung over his shoulder, and they carried his books and drawing supplies between them.

Axton moved with a languid, absent minded grace. Whatever dream he was in, he hadn't woken up yet.

"It's a long walk," he said finally, the first to break the silence. He didn't sound upset. It was merely an observation. It had been, perhaps, thirty minutes. Perhaps more.

Jack sighed.

"Yeah," he said, "it is."

"It's okay," Axton reassured him, "I can fix a roof. It's going to be okay."

"You're comforting
me?
" Jack asked, barking out a laugh.

Axton smiled softly.

"Well," he said, "you seem upset."

"I'm mad as hell," Jack said. "And worried for you."

Axton shrugged his fluid shoulders.

"It's fine," he said.

"But it's really not, though," Jack said.

"Fine enough," Axton said. He paused, looking off into the woods with the same dreamy apparent lack of concern. "You haven't asked why."

"Does it matter?" Jack said. "You're a smart one. You had to know how that would play out. You made a choice. It's gonna cost you, and you made it anyway. Ain't for me to second guess you, son."

"I had a fair idea," Axton said vaguely.

"You know Dana's going to be pissed enough to rip you apart," Jack said.

"The thought occurred to me," Axton said.

They walked on a little longer.

"You don't care," Jack marveled softly. "You really don't."

Axton shrugged again.

"Coup d'etat. Murder. Showing up pack leaders. That's not me--not really. I couldn't let...this...change me like that."

"Personal integrity I get," Jack said, "but that doesn't explain--"

"Defiance is not the same as violence," Axton said. "Like action isn't automatically useful. Motion isn't always progress. I've gotten in fights with Dana more times than I can count. Sometimes I win. But what does that mean? What does that accomplish? Nothing. And even if it did accomplish something--I can't punch the entire world. Can't bite out the world's throat."

"Sure," Jack said, "believe me, I get that part."

"And what do I want?" Axton asked, "most in the world?"

"Your lover," Jack said.

"Yes," Axton said, "but not just because he's my lover. What does he mean to me?"

Axton turned towards Jack fully, looking him in the face for the first time.

"So I thought, what did Leander really give me?" Axton asked, eyes searching Jack's features. "And nothing, I guess, in a way, but the one thing that meant everything. He agreed with me. He agreed that there was nothing wrong with me. He really believed that. I believe it, too. I believe I wasn't wrong to love him and he wasn't wrong to love me. And I just..." he trailed off, shrugging a third time. "I was so tired of lying. I've been tired of lying for years."

"The beautiful young man coming out narrative is great and all," Jack said. "It really is. But--"

"Are you--?" Axton asked.

"No," Jack said, as they resumed walking. "I see more of myself in you every day, Ax, but not because I like men."

Axton made an indeterminate noise. Right now he didn't have the emotional energy to ask.

"Dana is going to beat the shit out of you, is what I'm trying to get at," Jack said. "Dru too, for all I know. Hell, Trevor."

"Is this it?" Axton asked, ignoring him, looking ahead. Who was Trevor, anyway?

"Yeah," Jack said, and then, "So, this is the shithole down the river."

They looked at a half rotted house. It was more than just the caved in roof--Axton could tell the house was probably better off being razed to the ground. None of the windows had glass in them anymore, and the staircase he caught a glimpse of through the empty holes looked to be about to collapse, even from here.

"Mm," Axton said. "All right."

"All right?" Jack echoed. "
All right
?"

Axton started to--

"Don't shrug," Jack said.

"It doesn't really matter," he said.

"It does," Jack said. "Christ, it matters."

"I don't care, then," Axton offered. "Is that better?"

"The part of me got arrested several times during the 60's says yes, but the rest of me says no."

"I think," Axton said vaguely, looking up, "I think I'll stash my stuff up in this tree. It looks like a good tree."

"You can stay with me," Jack said. "This is bullshit."

"No," Axton said. "I'm staying here."

"Axton," Jack said, sounding wounded, "you don't have to."

Axton shouldered his bag, gestured at the house, then back at himself.

"This," he said. "They think this bothers me? I can build a new house. I can build a den. I'm more wolf than they are; I can sleep in a hole in the ground or stretched out under the stars. I don't care about this."

"This isn't just about this hellhole of a house," Jack said, "it's about status--"

"I don't care about that, either," Axton said.

"It's about sending a message--"

"I'm sending a message, too," Axton said.

Jack grimaced.

"Don't beat yourself up over it," Axton said. "I chose this. I would choose it again."

"Why?" Jack finally asked.

"Because I'm tired," Axton said. "Because I'm tired of being anyone but myself."

"The pack was ready to really take you in," Jack said softly.

"I know," Axton said, "and it would have been nice. I mean, it was nice. It had gotten there."

"Why?" Jack pressed. "Why now?"

"It's not a sacrifice if there's nothing to lose," Axton said.

"Sending a message," Jack echoed.

"Context gives your words weight," Axton said, and a smile quirked at his lips, "or that's what this poet I dated said once."

"You're still in love with him," Jack said.

"Forever," Axton said.

With a sigh, Jack slumped his shoulders and looked off into the distance.

"You make me feel old, boy," he said simply.

"You loved someone like that once," Axton said. "That's why you've always been nice to me."

"Might have done," Jack allowed. "Might have done."

They climbed up a tree and watched the sunset together, before he left.

Axton was exhausted. The only change he made to his surroundings was to dig a shallow hole, half hidden in the underbrush, so he could collapse into it bonelessly.

His nose pressed against his paws and the freshly dug earth; his eyes closed tightly against the waking world. All he wanted was to rest.

Dreamless and deep, Axton slept.

The first thing he felt was a boot, though Axton wasn't aware enough to identify the source of impact. Instinctively he curled in on himself, yelping, but before he could even open his eyes he was being grabbed--

Axton opened his eyes in midair, not yet awake enough to sort out his legs and stop his fall. Pure muscle memory made him turn his body slightly to distribute the impact more evenly, but landing still hurt. Sprawled on the ground, too suddenly hurt to move, all Axton could do was think:
well, that didn't take long
.

"Get up," Dana snarled. "You get the fuck up and you shift back right
now
."

Axton pawed at the dirt and made a halfhearted effort to rise.

"NOW!" Dana yelled, kicking him in the chest. "Fucking talk to me, you son of a bitch!"

I remember talking as a thing that happens more with words
, Axton thought,
and less with biker boots to the sternum
. He didn't move from his place in the dirt, and gave Dana a languid look.

"I will fucking
kill you
," Dana said, "if you don't talk to me right now."

Axton yawned and stretched elaborately.

Dana stepped up and kicked him in the jaw.

Since he'd been yawning, Axton's eyes had been closed and he took the full force of the kick with surprise. It knocked him backwards, and then he lay still, momentarily stunned. There was blood in his mouth.

Standing over Axton, panting with either exertion or emotion, Dana bared his teeth.

"You're right," he said. "I won't kill you. I probably can't. But I can sure as
hell
take you to the brink of it and force you human, if you don't listen to me, and you know it."

That was a viable threat. But what got Axton to arch his back and let his fur ripple away into skin was this: he had things to say.

As quick as Axton's transformation was, Dana was quicker, and he pulled back for another swift, hard kick to Axton's face. Axton took it, and then turned his head to spit out blood. A tooth went with it, and he twisted his body to look up at Dana, eyes burning.

"Get up!" Dana yelled. "Get! The fuck! Up!"

Axton laughed. Dana kicked him in the midsection this time, and Axton curled in on himself and rocked with laughter.

With a wordless, anguished, furious sound, Dana bent down to yank Axton up. Since he'd just changed skins, Axton had no handy lapels for Dana to haul him up by, so the forced struggle upright was graceless and awkward. That made Dana angrier, and he slammed Axton's back into a tree, pinning him. Dana pulled back for a punch, hesitated for a split second, then nailed Axton in the already sore jaw.

"Stop fucking smiling!" Dana shouted.

Axton turned the other cheek.

Dana slugged him on that side of the face as well, before dropping Axton and whirling around.

"FUCK!" he screamed, doubling over, hands thrown up to his head. "WHY?"

Axton coughed. He supposed it would have been a laugh, if he could have managed it. Dana whirled around at the sound, stalking over to Axton's prone body, planted a boot on his hip and shoved Axton over so that he was facing up.

"Why!" Dana yelled, leaning over to drag Axton back to his feet.

Axton sat up and spit blood into Dana's face.

"I won," he said.

Dana shoved him back down and then circled, shouting the whole time. Axton was sprawled face first in the dirt again.

"You stupid, stupid, fucking
stupid
son of a bitch!" Dana cried. "Tell me exactly what the fuck you've won, sugar! A fucking shithole of a house? Leper status for life? Only scraps on the hunt? Every other guy here beating the shit out of you whenever they feel like?"

Axton pushed himself back up on his elbows. He was panting, but he felt calm.

"You can hurt the man I love," Axton said. "You can force me from my home. You can keep me here with threats or oaths. You can do all of that." A smile, secret and sharp like a sudden knife to the ribs, slashed across his features. "But you can't make me live a lie, Dana."

Dana snarled and stalked closer, pulling his leg back for another kick--

This time, Axton's hands darted out and grabbed Dana's boot and pulled fast and hard enough to knock Dana off balance and send him sprawling on the ground. Spider quick, Axton crawled up Dana's body to pin him down and hiss down into his face.

"And I'll take the beating from
you
," Axton said. "I understand why you're upset. But you know I'm going to have to make an example of the next poor bastard who tries it."

Dana shoved Axton away enough to create space, then shrimped out from under him and jumped back to his feet.

"You don't understand shit," he spat, and his eyes weren't cold blue anymore, like they always were, but angry and hot as stars. "I lied and I did it
for you
, so you wouldn't have to fucking live like this."

"I shouldn't have to live like this either way," Axton said peacefully, standing up slowly and brushing himself off. It would have been easier to have this conversation with clothes on, but whatever--oh, there, right. Axton picked up his long ago discarded jeans.