Every Breath (10 page)

As soon as I make it home, Drew calls to check on me and to see if I had fun shopping. Umm . . . I sure did. I just didn’t mention that the only shopping that I did was at the candy shop on the way to see William. I couldn’t figure out a good way to tell him that I went to visit an old man as a favor to a soldier that I talk to online. I have a feeling he’d frown upon that. There’s no way he’d understand.

If I’m going to continue to be friends with Sawyer, though, I’ll have to tell Drew. Especially if I do end up moving in with him this summer. Ugh. I don’t even want to think about that.

He promises to stop by the school the next day to let me know what the plans are for dinner, and after he hangs up, I start my usual Sunday night routine. Laundry. Dinner. Laundry. Shower. Laundry. I should seriously consider doing more of it throughout the week, but then again, I’ve been telling myself that for years and nothing has changed. Oh well.

By the time I get everything finished, it’s ten o’clock, so I decide to go to bed. Darcy, who sleeps at my side every night, has been waiting at the bottom of the stairs for an hour. She likes bedtime. But seeing how she has no cares in the world, she easily falls asleep as soon as she spins two circles in place and falls to the bed as a tight lump of fur. Me? I stare at the ceiling for an hour.

I can’t help but smile about meeting with William today. He wanted so much to appear hardened and like he didn’t care, but I knew I made a big breakthrough with him once he asked for more chocolate by Tuesday. Sawyer wasn’t kidding; he is serious about his chocolate. What I thought would last a week, he expected would last only a few days. I’m just happy to have a reason to visit him again.

The more I think about it, though, I should tell Sawyer I went to see him today. I’d hate for him to call William and find out. I don’t think he’ll be upset or anything, but he might be if I don’t tell him about it. And I’m sure it will give him peace of mind to know how he’s doing.

I turn all of the lights on as I go back downstairs. There’s something about walking around the dark house at this time of night that spooks me. My laptop is charging over on the window seat, so I decide to sit there while I type the email to Sawyer. The clouds have finally cleared, so the full moon illuminates the yard, creating a nice scene by the glimmering pond.

When my computer finally comes to life, I open a new email message, and I’m just about to type when a chat message alert sounds. My brain has connected that sound to Sawyer, and I immediately smile.

Sawyer: ‘You’re awake? Can we talk a minute?’

Me: ‘Couldn’t sleep. I was just about to email you.’

Before I can even tell him why, a video chat request pops up. Damn it. I don’t have makeup on, and I’m certain I look like a psychiatric patient with my hair standing out all over the place.

Like I would actually deny it. I do my best to smooth my hair and click accept anyway.

His face fills the screen, but he’s looking at something to the side of the screen. His eyes are dark and puffy. He looks downright delirious. His hair is growing a little now, so it’s spiked in all directions, and he looks like he hasn’t shaved in a few days. Even though I kind of like the way the stubble shadows his jaw, he doesn’t look at all like himself.

“Sawyer?”

His eyes dart back over to the screen and only a ghost of a smile forms on his full lips. “Oh, hey. I didn’t realize you accepted yet. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Just the usual Sunday night insomnia.”

“You know, they say when you can’t sleep it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dreams.” He’s trying awful hard to appear upbeat, but it’s not working well. He looks like shit.

“Well, I’m obviously not awake in yours right now. Is everything okay?”

“I’m better now.” He looks up from his hooded eyes, not even a hint of humor in them. “You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

I try to lighten the mood by rolling my eyes dramatically. “Well, right now, I’d make anyone’s eyes sore.’

“Maybe from straining too hard to look at you,” he says, flashing a tight smile. I never noticed that single dimple on his left cheek before. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how gorgeous I think you are. But right now, without all that makeup and your hair falling wildly around your shoulders . . . that’s the best I’ve ever seen you look.’

Wow, okay. He’s never said anything like that before. I feel heat rising into my cheeks and butterflies . . . no,
pterodactyls
invading my stomach. And I think I like it. Definitely. “Uh, thanks. I’d say the same normally, but you definitely don’t look your best tonight. Are you not sleeping well?”

“I can’t talk about it right now,” his voice cracks. “Last night was pretty screwed up, though. I’m glad you got on here because I really needed to hear your voice. I don’t tell you enough what it means to me.” He presses the heels of his shaking hands into his eyes, and I can feel his emotion seeping into the air around me, heavy and thick. I’m used to melancholy Sawyer, but this is new. I can’t take him hurting this way. I know too much about how that feels.

“Sawyer?” I try to get his attention. “I’m here for you. You know that? I know exactly what it’s like to have that deep ache that you want so much to get rid of, but you can’t. I promise you, if there’s anything I can do for you, I will.”

His eyes are rimmed with redness, and the fringe of lashes surrounding them is shimmering with moisture. But still, I just want to fall right into them when he looks at me with that desperation. “You’re doing it, Makenna. Just talk about anything. I need to hear your sweet voice.”

“Well, okay. I’m kind of seeing this guy, and he wants me to move away with him, but I can’t stop comparing him to Shane. Shane is the one I lost.”

Whoa. Where the
hell
did that come from? Just out of nowhere, I open my mouth, and
that
is what comes out? But when I actually stop to analyze what just happened, I’m not surprised at all, and I don’t have that writhing knot of angst forming in the pit of my stomach. I feel . . . free. I want to tell him for some reason.

His mouth falls open ever so slightly. “This is the one? You’re going to tell me about him?”

“Yeah. I think I am.” I’m just as shocked as he is.

“Mak,” he pleads, “don’t feel like you have to tell me. Don’t talk about it just because I’m having a bad day, and you’re trying to make me feel better.”

I shake my head. “No, I want to, actually. I don’t know. For some reason, suddenly, it just makes sense.”

“Okay. Well, I’m listening, and you can stop whenever you want.”

“Deal.” I take a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment. It feels like the dam is about to break, like if I hold it in one more second, my heart will explode. “His name was Shane. We met in college. He was the first and only person I’ve ever kissed, the first and only person I’ve
been
with, if you follow my meaning. He was it for me. We dated throughout college, and we got engaged the night he graduated. Actually, he and his brother proposed to me and my best friend, Callie, at the same time at dinner that night. We were even planning a double wedding.”

I have trouble keeping eye contact with him while I talk, but I sneak a peek at him, and I’m struck by the look on his face. I absolutely hate that look of sympathy that some people give me, but what Sawyer’s face shows is nothing but understanding. He does know loss, and I can see it in how he quietly listens, with no annoying motivational comments. He knows exactly what I feel.

“Two years ago next month, my whole world changed.” I hear my voice shaking, but I can’t stop. Words just keep falling from my mouth. “I lost him. I lost everything, Sawyer. All because of some stupid guy texting his girlfriend that he loved her. Those three words, filled with hope and promise of tomorrow, took away
my
tomorrow. So, I’m stuck. I haven’t lived another day since then. I haven’t talked about it to anyone, and I try to make everyone believe that I’m okay, but I’m not. I just want to feel normal again. I want to smile and actually feel it all the way to my core. I want the hurt to go away. Haven’t I suffered long enough?”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Sawyer’s soft voice floats from the speakers and suspends in the air around me, surrounding me in calm.

Wrapping my arms tightly around my middle in an attempt to keep myself from falling apart, I gather what little courage I have, and I start telling him the story. Even though I can hear the words coming out of my mouth, I’m instantly transported back, as if I’m there instead of here. Reliving the whole nightmare in vivid, heart-shattering detail.

“We just have four months until the wedding, baby girl. You’ve got to make some decisions already.” Shane is always joking about my indecisiveness, and we’ve been back and forth all day over whether we want to go with birdseed or bubbles.

I reach over and lace my fingers through his on his free hand, while his other is draped over the steering wheel. We made the three hour trek to Atlanta yesterday to see our friend’s band make their first club appearance, and we decided to stay overnight and spend the day shopping and hanging out with everyone. Thirteen friends in all caravanned with us, but somehow Shane negotiated for us to ride home alone. Lucky me.

“It got dark so early,” I sigh and lean over on his shoulder. “I was hoping we’d be home by now.”

He chuckles and smacks a chaste kiss to the top of my head. “Baby, if you hadn’t
needed
to stop at that third mall, we would’ve been home an hour ago. But that’s okay . . . we’re getting close to Tuscaloosa, and you’ll be safe and sound in your apartment within an hour.”

I poke out my bottom lip. “Can’t I just go home with you tonight? I’m not ready for this weekend to end.” Shane graduated last semester and got a job in his hometown, Montgomery, so he had to move closer. With another semester left, I still have my place just off campus in Tuscaloosa, so I can finish up my classes and student teaching. Weekends are all we have together anymore, now that he’s two hours away.

“You have a classroom full of children to singlehandedly mold into responsible, intelligent adults.”

“No, I’m just there to help. When I finally get my teaching license, then I’ll conquer the world one untied shoelace at a time.”

He smirks down at me. “Those are pretty big dreams, baby girl, and I know your heart is big enough to actually follow through with it. And I was going to surprise you when we got to your apartment, but I’m staying with
you
tonight. We haven’t had much time alone this weekend, so I negotiated to go in a few hours late tomorrow. I’ll just leave when you go to the school in the morning.”

And that is why I love him. He always knows exactly what I need. It’s eerie sometimes.

After we make a last minute bathroom stop—yes, I have the bladder of a ninety year old and couldn’t wait the last hour—we pull back out onto the highway but get stopped at a red light. I take that opportunity to lean over and pucker my lips. I’m an excellent time manager. Why spend those couple of minutes staring at that light when I can sneak in a few kisses?

“Makenna.” I feel the whisper of his breath on my lips when he stretches over to meet me. “I swear I could kiss you every second for the rest of my life, and it wouldn’t be enough.”

His searing hot mouth covers mine gently, lazily. His soft tongue grazes across my bottom lip before it seeks entry and tangles with mine. It isn’t hurried or urgent. It’s pure and sweet. I can feel his love for me in that moment, as if he’s somehow communicating it through the most perfect kiss. Moments like this are why I can’t wait to be married to him.

But it always ends too soon.

He pulls away from me reluctantly when his brother, Wes, honks at us from behind, and we can hear them whooping and whistling at us. “I love you, baby girl.”

“I love you more.”

Once we hit the interstate again, I lean back over against his shoulder and close my eyes, enjoying the firm warmth against my cheek. That is, until Shane jerks the wheel and starts cursing, causing me to sit up. “What’s going on?”

“The idiot in the lane next to us started to change lanes without looking. He almost hit us.” Shane slows down a bit to allow the car to get ahead of him. “It’s people like that who cause accidents. Pisses me off.”

“Hmm.” I relax again and resume my snuggling with his shoulder. “Dummy.”

I feel myself dozing off, but I don’t want to fight it. I trust his driving, so I never have trouble sleeping when we take a trip. I’m also hoping to steal a few minutes of sleep, in case we have a late night once we get back to my place. That’s my plan, anyway.

But suddenly, the car jerks again, and before I can ask what’s going on, Shane shoves me upright. I catch a hint of panic in that millisecond that he looks at me, making sure I’m protected by my seatbelt.

And that’s the last time our eyes met.

I watch the scene unfold in front of me in slow motion. The car that almost hit us before must have veered over into the car directly in front of us, sending both of them swerving. The one who started it all crosses the median into oncoming traffic, but then all I can see is twirling red lights ahead of us as the other car loses what little control it had, hurling it onto its side directly in the center of the two lanes. The eighteen wheeler just ahead of us in the left lane locks up his brakes and swerves to miss it, jackknifing the trailer in the process.

Shane sees our only hope and narrowly misses the trailer when he veers off the road, hitting the grass to the right of the shoulder far too fast. Before I can even comprehend it, I feel the car spinning, rolling, like I’ve been sucked into a vortex that won’t end.

I feel glass peppering my skin, and I hear the crushing and groaning of the metal as it twists and bends at the will of the hard ground. Time seems suspended in this moment, and I don’t know what to do to make it stop. Please, God, make it stop.

After one last hard flip, the car lands on its roof, still sliding. The next jolt I feel, though, takes away my consciousness for a moment. Or maybe hours. I can’t tell.

It’s the horrible smell of smoke, burning rubber, and fresh cut grass that pulls me back into consciousness. But I immediately taste blood in my mouth.

Great, I must have broken my nose.

When I try to feel it, my left hand decides it will not follow orders, and the right seems pinned. I look over to the left to see what the problem is, but I don’t immediately see it, momentarily freaking out because I fear it has been detached. Oh, I really crack myself up sometimes.

But I do see it stretched over my head, tangled in a mass of my now blood-soaked hair. However, instead of seeing my palm facing forward, I’m seeing the back of my hand.

Well, that’s not good. I’m pretty sure I’m upside down, my arm is on backwards, and my leg is burning. And I feel woozy.

I suddenly can’t make sense of anything, so I try to focus on what’s around me. I see tree branches coming through the windshield, but it’s so dark I can’t see anything else. Now that my ears have stopped ringing, I can hear voices. I hear someone moaning. Gasping. I hear dripping over my head getting faster and faster.

Someone is hurt, I think, but I can’t remember right now. My brain is too foggy to remember who I was with or where I am. I just want to sleep now. The tapping rhythm above my head is almost soothing. I’m tired.

I need to figure out how to get this seatbelt off, though. Someone is crying and calling for help, so I need to find them.

Sirens sound in the distance, so I give up before I ever start. There’s help now.

Now, I’ll sleep. But there’s someone yelling and that groaning and gasping just won’t stop. Now there’s a hand feeling my face and neck.

Stop it.

“I love you, Makenna.” I hear a raspy whisper of a voice, but I’m sinking into unconsciousness, so I don’t know who it is.

Now, someone is talking and there are footsteps falling near me.

Just let me sleep a little while. Please. Quiet.

But more hands invade my peace again.

Colored flashing lights.

And a voice. “Ma’am, keep your eyes open. Stay awake.”

No. I’ll sleep now.

The gasping and groaning have stopped.

The lights are gone.

The voices can’t keep me here.

Eyes close.

All is quiet.

Blissful sleep.