Everlasting (Night Watchmen, #1) (21 page)

I turn it all off, everything, all the emotions clogging my thoughts and actions, all the pain ripping at my muscles and control. The minute I do, the volation in me strengthens. I tug hard on the electricity, taking every last bit into me. All the lights flicker on and off in the room until I have sucked every bit of energy, leaving only the light above the mat on. Lightning streaks down my arms and out of my hands, connecting with my flux.

I turn focused eyes on the Demon, scouring over his body. I see nothing. He throws his head back and growls, the sound rippling through the air, but I feel nothing; no fear, no pain. I open my senses, letting myself detect him. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a tingling sensation takes over. A need to see.

His ribs. It’s on his right side, just on the top of the ribs. I don’t know how I know, but I know that’s where it is.

I roll out of his grip, my flux gripped in my hand, just as his arm swings down at me. I use his arm that brushes past my face to yank him down to my level and plunge my flux straight through his stigma. He disappears the moment I do, and the dummy reforms back in its original place. I topple over, falling flat on my back.

Gavin claps, saying something I can’t make out. Cassie’s mouth moves too, but all I can hear is the ringing in my ears. I roll to my side, spitting the coppery taste in my mouth. Acid follows, projecting out across the mat. Gavin and Cassie jump back, but Jaxen’s right there, holding back my hair. My emotions flicker all the way back on against my will. The whole left side of my face feels like it’s been smashed in. My left eye is already swelling shut. My meager breakfast paints the mat in front of me.

“Cass,” Jaxen calls, his voice sounding like it’s coming from another room rather than right next to me. She walks over.

“That’s a shiner if I ever saw one, hero,” she says. She holds a hand against my face and chants under her breath. A spell of healing, the same my mother used when I was younger.

“Stop,” I say a little too loudly. I throw her hand from my face, the healing only halfway complete. It’s enough to keep my eye open, but not enough to take the sting away. It doesn’t matter though. I want to wear the bruise. I want to feel this pain, to remind myself that I’m here, that I fought to be here.

She looks at me funny, and then quickly turns away, heading back over to Gavin and Jezi.

It takes me a moment to sit up. When I do, lancing pain shoots through my ribs. I wasn’t ready for that. It shouldn’t have been so hard. I need more practice, more scenarios, and more beings to fight against. The need to bury myself further in pain swallows me w
hole. Inside of pain, I know I’m here. I’m present. I’m in control.

Once the fog clears, I look up at Jaxen. He’s perched on one knee, right beside me, so close I could touch him, lose myself in him, but he’s scowling at Jezi, both staring each other down.
The tension between them is unbearably thick. “You’ve been dying for this day, haven’t you? Are you happy now?” he asks her. He doesn’t sound angry with her. He sounds tired, tired because fighting against the truth takes every ounce of strength from you, and in the end, you will break. I think he’s slowly realizing that.

“I couldn’t be further from happy,” she retorts, her eyes squinted at him.

“Here we go again,” Gavin mutters under his breath.

“Jax and I have only been on duty for six months,” Jezi continues, pacing in front of Jaxen. “And now we have to prepare her…a…a…
fre…”

“Don’t you dare say it,” Jaxen warns.

She rolls her eyes. “We have to prepare someone who can’t even follow a simple command, like stay under the radar? How can we help someone who can’t follow the rules?” The way she speaks makes me feel like I’m not even here, like she doesn’t want me here.

“I don’t think you’re seeing the point, Jezi. You never do,” Jaxen huffs out, rubbing his temples. “Most would kill for a chance like this.” He looks up her, unfazed by her glare. “She might not be ready now, but she will be if we stick by her. She could be the face of this Coven.”

“Hold on a sec,” I start to say, but they don’t hear me. Face of the Coven? What is he talking about?

She stops pacing and laughs bitterly, throwing her head back. The air thickens with animosity when she levels her gaze on him. “And pigs can now fly.” Her tone drops deathly low, the kind of low a woman takes when a man is treading dangerous waters. “Remember this, Jaxen Reade Gramm, as much as you’d like it to be, you are not a one man show.
We
are partners until one of us dies. Don’t forget that.”

“Believe me, every breath I take is a reminder of that,” Jaxen says angrily, meeting her glare. His temper is visibly unraveling. All I can do is watch in horror as the thin strands of their relationship break one by one, leaving an awkward emptiness between us all.

Jezi sucks in a shocked breath and spins, heading for the door. He grabs her arm. “I’m sorry, Jezi. Just take a deep breath,” he forces out, his face and voice constrained.

She yanks her arm from him. “No, Jaxen. Not this time. We’re supposed to stick together, yet you want to walk this road alone, at least, you did.” Her hate-filled eyes cut over to me with enough implications to make me squirm on the spot. “You seem to forget that I can hear your thoughts,” she continues, looking back up at him. “Why can’t I be good enough for you? Why can’t I be the one? Why can’t you let it be my choice?” There’s so much pain in her voice, so much broken history. I feel like I’m prying in on them, like maybe they had an understanding and were finally at a point where things were working out, until I came along.

Jaxen’s jaw goes tight. His muscles flex, and then his eyes land on mine across the room. I’m pinned in place under his gaze, almost forgetting that Jezi is standing there, waiting for an answer. Her head snaps around in my direction. An icy glare slices through me. She turns back to him and shoves him, her eyes slick with wetness.

“You’re confusing infatuation with an affinity bond, you idiot. She’s a weakness, an obvious one.”

He blinks a couple of times as if coming out of a daze, and looks down at her. “Jezi, I…”

“I need some air.” The door slams behind her a moment later, leaving us all in a state of shock. His hands clench and unclench at his sides, each time, the shade of his skin turning a tone lighter.

He turns on me, his eyes pulsing with hurt and anger. Her words shattered what little progress I’ve made with him. Her words stole everything that has happened up until this moment in an instant. Her words turned him on me.

The sad part is…her words are true.

“This is all your fault,” he starts in, his words filled with enough venom to take down an entire army. Something has broken inside of him. The emotional flood gate has been opened.

A flare of anger lashes through me. “My fault?” I say in shock as my heart quickens to the pace of an angry beat. “I didn’t ask to be this way, or for you and all your
problems, for that matter.” I’m too angry to think, too angry to calculate what I should and shouldn’t say; what I know can’t be taken back.

He stalks over to me, his eyes cold and penetrating. “But you’re still here aren’t you? No one’s stopping you from leaving.” I flinch from the sudden intensity of his voice. It
steadily rises, right along with my temper. For some reason, he has a way of bringing out the unreserved side of me, the side that has been trained to stay put.

“Jaxen!” Gavin barks, coming between us. “Take a deep breath. Don’t take this out on her, brother.” He puts his hand on Jaxen’s shoulder and squeezes rather hard.

Jaxen turns on him and shoves him across the room. “What the hell do you know?” he shouts savagely. “Do you even realize what’s going on? How are we supposed to train someone who’s powers are out of control? Who’s a magnet for evil? Who’s a myth?”

Gavin picks himself up off the ground and turns on Jaxen, his stride wide and out for blood. He looks at him hard as he gets right in Jaxen’s face. “You know what? I’ve had your back on a lot of shit, brother. And I mean
a lot
of shit. But not right now. Not about this.” He stops, breathes, and then shoves a hand through his hair. “Unlike you, I do know what’s going on here. You’re shutting down. You’re pushing away, like you always do when someone gets too close.” He gets closer, his voice dropping. “You’re acting like an ass nugget.”

His mouth shuts tight and then opens, like he wants to say more, but he doesn’t. He sighs forcefully, shakes his head, and walks out of the room with Cassie on his heels.

I want to scream. I want to shove Jaxen for hurting me with words. I want to shake him and yell in his face and make him feel the pain I’m feeling. I want to make him
feel
something, something other than denial and self-loathing.

I know it won’t help. He doesn’t want my help, and I’m not going to beg. I stand up, grimacing from the pain. He stands with me. “It’s good to know how you really feel, Jaxen,” I say bitterly, wincing and leaning a little on my side to help the pain. “I’m done here.” I turn for the door. I know this is stupid. I know there is something between us, but I also know he has a Witch…and supposedly a curse, and he might not be ready to open up to me. And there is nothing more hopeless than a heart that chooses the mind over feeling.

But then his hand catches mine, spinning me back around to face him. I’m putty in his hands. “Wait,” he says, almost desperately. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, any of that. I just meant that you have to let this go, what’s happening here.”

“Is that what this is really about?” I ask frankly. “Because I think you’re the one who can’t let it go.” I don’t know where my sudden courage has come from; maybe the anger, or maybe the fact that up until this moment, everything had been ripped away from me, piece by painful piece, and I had had enough. I had reached the end of my rope. I was sick of being lied to and sick of being treated like something less than what I was.

His head whips in my direction, his eyes disappearing into slits. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

I take a step for him, determined to put an end to this. “Your job is to be ruthless when it comes to matters of the heart so you can be in control. Isn’t that what you sa
id to me? And yet, here I stand…scaring you.” I cross my arms, glaring up at him.

Waves of emotion rush over his face. “I never said I was scared of you,” Jaxen says, his voice ghostly low.

I move closer, inches away from his face. “You sure are acting like it. But you know what? I don’t think it has anything to do with my magic being out of control or the fact that I’m a ‘myth’”

“Then what is it?” he asks. He almost sounds like he’s begging for me to say it, like if I say it, then it would make the truth that much easier to swallow.

“You know exactly what I’m saying,” I say, stepping closer to him. “Not everyone can shut down like you. I see how you are. I see the fear in your eyes when faced with anything that involves emotions, and, for some reason, I make you feel something and that scares you.”

He looks down at me, and fire burns in his eyes. It scorches my skin, melting me into a puddle of understanding. He blinks, bites his lip, curses, and then looks away
. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Defeat creeps in. “How long until you admit what you feel?” I ask, almost scared to hear the answer.

His eyes grow wide, his mouth hanging slightly open, and then he shuts it. His face hardens back into stone. “As long as it takes for it to stop.”

My heart stiffens like clay, ready to shatter at any moment. “So is that what your curse is? Denial?”

He flinches at the question, and I almost falter where I stand.

So then it’s true. He really is cursed. I didn’t mean for the words to come out like that. This wasn’t how I imagined asking.

“What are you talking about?” he breathes out, his words trembling. His grip tightens around my wrist.

I should say nothing. I know I should leave now, before I ruin everything, but pride holds me in place. It’s more than that. It’s desperation to understand, to know the truth. “You tell me, Jaxen. Be honest for once.”

He curses under his breath again, looking off to the side but still clinging to my hand. The muscles along the line of his jaw harden and flex, and it takes every ounce of strength in me not to run my hands along his face and soothe the internal struggle I can so visibly see. When he looks back at me, his eyes are almost black, like deep pools of pain. “You really want to know?”

I nod, my heart ripping in half and beating in ragged pieces.

He braces his forehead with his other hand, hiding his face from me. He pulls in a long, labored breath and then speaks. “My bloodline is cursed, and has been for as long as anyone can remember. Every Hunter born into our family bears the curse.”

He takes in another breath. I think I do too, but I can’t be sure. I can’t even feel my own heart beating.

“The curse pertains to our affinity bond. We don’t know why, or who cursed us. It has been buried under years of rumors and heartache.”

“Just tell me,” I hear myself say, though my voice doesn’t sound like my own. It sounds like the voice of someone scared.

His hand falls from his face as his eyes bore through mine, freezing me in place. Shackles form around my heart, keeping it from beating. “If I fall in love with Jezi, she dies. If I don’t, I die. As a Hunter in my family, we will never know love, and if we do, we will lose it all. That’s my curse. That’s why she hates you. You have what I never offered her, and that’s exactly why I can’t be with you. It’s not right. It’s not fair to her.”