Ever After (9 page)

The two closest to our age were Roth and Taylor. I had Roth in my history class and Taylor was in my economics class. Roth was Will’s height with dark brown hair. Taylor had blond hair cut in a spiky style, and he was a bit shorter. His other cousins were Kyle and Sam they were twins, both with wavy sandy blond hair and amazing green eyes. I could not tell them apart since they were identical twins. Riley was the youngest cousin. He was sixteen, and had black hair like Will. He also seemed to follow Will a lot. He looked up to him, that I could tell right away.

Will and Roth started a major snowball fight. Taylor and Kyle were cheating using their sleds as shields. I took cover behind Will’s sled. Riley was on our side with Roth; we all were half frozen before Taylor and Kyle surrendered. The snow was falling harder as we all started sledding. The hill we were at was the best sledding hill in Cambridge.

I smiled watching Will and his cousins acting like ten-year-old boys. They were all so adorable, rough- housing in the snow. His cousins had to leave a short time later. Will and I decided to stay and sled longer. It was nice to do something simple, and not think about Todd or the upcoming court date.

I was starting to get cold; I pulled my coat up around my neck, pulling my hat tighter around my frozen ears.

“Are you cold?” Will asked as he took my gloved hand into his.

“I’m okay.” I chattered, unable to hide my shaking hands. Heck, I would turn into a human Popsicle to be here with Will, cold be damned. He pulled my scarf gently, tucking it around my neck. He leaned closer to me, kissing my cheek, and then nuzzling my ear playfully. I as usual sighed. Every time we touched, I was unable to move, barely able to breathe, and loved every minute of it.

I leaned into Will thoroughly enjoying the moment, when he suddenly pulled away. A look of anguish crossed his beautiful face. I was speechless at his strange reaction to me getting closer to him. He stepped back, his hand covering his mouth. His eyes were slightly damp. I felt a stab of physical pain in my chest, at the way he moved away from me.

I couldn’t believe he was acting like this. I tried to think of what I might have done or said that afternoon to cause him to act like this. I couldn’t think of anything.

The whole afternoon we had so much fun and I loved finally meeting some of Will’s mysterious family. I never pushed him to introduce me to any of them. I felt he would do that when he was ready. I watched him act as if he suddenly didn’t even want to be in the park with me anymore and it hurt.

Chapter 11

“
William”

I watched her, her cheeks red flushed with joy all afternoon. We had made so many wonderful memories the past few months. I noticed more and more she asked questions about my past, growing up, and things of that nature. I hated myself for having to lie to her and make up ridiculous stories. I had to tell her the truth; she deserved to know who and what I truly was. I would have to accept her choice if the reality of my existence was too much for her. I must let her go. I could feel the pain inside at even thinking she would hate me and send me away once she knew what I really was.

I was expecting it, of course, to see the look of disgust in her eyes, which would destroy what little soul I still had left inside me. I would have an eternity to live with her choice, to grieve the loss of her love, to swim in the pain of knowing the only person I ever loved hated me. I had no choice. I could feel the darker side of me seeping into my mind when we kissed. I found myself moving too close, the old hunger pushing me again. I was ready for her to look at me like the freak I was and turn and run, never looking back. I deserved it.

This would be my pain to bear for I had let myself fall in love with someone I should never have been close enough to touch. Corrine was all that was pure and good and I was all that was dark and bad. Even though I had sworn myself to end that behavior, it was a part of me that is deeply imbedded and I couldn’t rid myself of it even if I wanted to. I stood there surrounded by happy families, kids laughing life going on around us. I felt like I was in that
Jerry
Maguire
movie where his boss fires him in the middle of the crowded restaurant.

Chapter 12

Back to “Corrine’s point of view”

“Will, what’s wrong, what did I do?” I bit my lip trying not to cry, so hurt by his sudden coldness toward me.

“You,” he said pinching the bridge of his nose as if he was in pain. “You have done nothing wrong, Corrine.” His voice was so soft he seemed exhausted by just saying those few words.

“Will, I don’t understand what’s going on.” The look on his face was worrying me. I knew it now as I watched him closely. The “it’s not you, it’s me” speech was coming. The classic textbook line played out in movies and real life too many times to count. This was it. He was dumping me I could feel it. I should have expected it, why would someone like him, so perfect, want a certified lunatic like me for a girlfriend. I couldn’t blame him. Hell, I was on suicide watch just less than a year ago, and even today, I still had to go to a therapist every Monday at 4 p.m.

I dug my numb hands into my coat pockets, staring down at my snow boots, too sick to look at him now that I “got” what he was trying to tell me. I couldn’t believe that he promised me my problems in the past meant nothing to him and he loved me no matter what had happened. It was clear something about me bothered him enough to want me out of his life.

“Corrine.” He had moved closer. I couldn’t look up.

“I…I have to go.” I muttered, my vision blurring as tears welled up in my eyes. I turned to head for the parking lot. I had to call Gran or dad for a ride or maybe Beth since Will had driven us to the hill. I took a deep breath. If I could just make it home and get out of here maybe, I would be ok..maybe. I had to get out of here and fast.

“No.” He gasped reaching out and catching my coat sleeve, pulling me back to him. “Please don’t go, let me explain!”

“Explain what Will? I think I get the idea, okay. I am crazy.” I choked out. “Not stupid, I see how you are acting now.” I watched a look of sadness slide over his face as he shook his head. “I can tell you don’t want me around.”

“It’s not like that, please just wait and let me tell you what’s wrong with me.” He was begging. I sniffed wiping my eyes with my gloved hand. Little bits of ice stuck to it and it hurt my cheek. I stepped back in frustration. Will looked around assessing our privacy level. I still wanted to run.

“I have to go.”

“Please, can we talk by the shelter house?” He looked nervously around; many people were still sledding despite the increase of heavy snow falling. I could only nod as he took my hand and led me to the empty shelter house. I really didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say, but he seemed desperate to tell me. Will pushed the snow off one of the many picnic tables filling the area. I sat down thankful to be doing so, my knees felt like rubber.

“Corrine, you have to know there could be problems with us being together.” He sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. “So many problems… it’s hard to know where to start.” He ran his hand through his hair.

“Oh so it’s not me, it’s you then is it?” I shook my head. “That’s a good one, Will!” I snapped. “Thanks for keeping it original.”

“I have problems.” He looked down at me as he sat down slowly, the words paining him. “I’m not really… normal, Corinne.” He took a deep breath. “I have so many problems, but I cannot tell you straight out.”

“Oh come on Will who is normal?” I froze suddenly thinking of something. “You are gay? Is that it? Oh not you…I mean, that’s fine. I have no problem with people that are, it’s their choice, but why did you lead me on like this? Is that it? Oh hell.” I gasped trying to figure out why he would keep this from me for so long.

“No…no I’m trying to tell you I’m not like anyone you know, and I am straight by the way. I always have been; it’s not anything like that.” He stared into my eyes. “I am not like you Corrine. I’m not like anyone you have ever known.” I looked at him confused. He could not be retarded or slow. He was the smartest person I knew; this was so confusing. I thought of my (William) list at home in my old tattered notebook, the odd side began screaming out to me. I could see every word I had written in my mind.

“I just cannot be with you; really it is not safe at all.” He paused, his voice low and deadly serious. I got chills, and not from the cold wind ripping through the open aired shelter house. “This.” He waved his hand around to further his point. “This could all end very badly for us all.” He looked down at his own boots now. “I’m not as good as you think I am; you cannot imagine who I truly am and the things I have done.” The look in his eyes made my breath catch in my throat. He was hurting and I had no idea why. I exhaled loudly. He was like a puzzle with missing pieces and I hated puzzles. “I don’t know what to do.” He closed his eyes again, as he tried to gather his thoughts; I reached over and took his hand.

“I don’t understand Will, what are you trying to say?” I was starting to really feel uneasy. I knew some unsaid, possibly evil thing was looming around us. A tension was in the air that I could physically feel.

I sat there looking at the man I loved. I had trusted him. He had healed my broken heart and mended my once shattered existence. I was sitting here listening to him try to dump me, to crap all over the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me in my life. I had bared my soul to him. He knew my deepest fears and secrets, and he was the only person who knew how close I had come to committing suicide.

I had let him into my soul, and now he was throwing me away, like trash and acting weird about it. William’s love, his touch, his unwavering loyalty had healed me, allowed me to love again. My cheeks burned now with anger. I yanked my hand out of his. He jerked his head up at the sudden movement. He leaned back as he saw me narrow my eyes and stare at him.

“William Nathaniel Mathias Darcy, did you just now realize after all we have been through, after I let you into my heart, that you don’t want to be with me?” I took a deep breath trying to hold back the massive pile of tears trying to fall. “I let you into my soul, and now I am not right for you? I was good for you this morning, good for you last week, but tonight I am nothing to you?” I was in full on rage now, my words echoing in my head further fueling the fire and the feeling of abandonment in me. I was in his face now. He didn’t move a muscle, his eyes wide with shock at my anger. I slammed my fist on the frozen picnic table; it hurt but I ignored the pain. “You kiss me, tell me you cannot live without me, and now it’s all this I’m different. I am dangerous crap!” I pulled my wet icy gloves off and threw them at him. He flinched back as they dropped into his lap.

“Corrine please.” He tried to edge in, but I refused to let him.

“It’s bull Will, you can’t even tell me the truth. You have to make up all this weird crap, like you can’t be around me because you’re dangerous!” I shook my head in disgust. “Get real; why don’t you be a man and tell me the damn truth for once. You need to stop trying to be some mysterious, scary thing, because here’s a news flash. It’s not working, honey!” I started backing away so I could head to the parking lot. “I thought you were different Will. I climbed out of that deep hole of depression I was drowning in because of you and for you!”

I shook my head sadly, my energy level dropping. I felt like collapsing right there, but fought it. I would not show weakness in front of him now. I had to sit down, before I fell down. I needed a few minutes to pull myself together before I called Beth for a ride home. I flopped down at the end of the same bench in a deep pile of snow. I could care less about my frozen behind now. I could feel myself falling apart, his silence confirming that I was correct. He was indeed dumping me at the moment. My heart ached. My head throbbed. I felt like I was sinking into a pit of agony…alone. The dam broke and tears slid uncontrollable down my face. I turned my face away from him so he would not see.

I suddenly felt his hands, one on each arm; he dropped to his knees, into the deep snow right in front of me.

“No Corrine.” He gasped. “I love you, God how I love you.” He was blinking hard and a few tears escaped down his cheeks. “My love for you is stronger than ever, more so as every second we are together passes even. I do not know how to live without you. I fear I cannot, you are a part of me, a vital sustaining part. I would fall apart without your love.” I watched him; his eyes never leaving mine, these words were the absolute truth. “You are what I have spent my entire existence searching for. It’s been an eternity searching for, you are my love.” He sighed and he ran his hands down my arms, pulling me closer to him. “I have always, even without knowing it, been looking for you!” He took a shuddering deep breath. “It has been killing me not telling you who I am after all the critical things you have shared with me. I have betrayed you in that and I am desperately sorry for doing so. I would spend an eternity making it up to you if you would just let me try. I have failed you so badly. I should have told you about me in the beginning. I knew I was wrong then. I was just so amazed that you loved me and that I loved you the same. I didn’t want it to end because of what I was. I wanted to pretend I was a normal guy for once and we could be together and be happy and normal, like regular people.”