Evenfall (143 page)

Boyd hesitated and then knelt in front of Sin. He rested his hands on either side of his thighs although he still did not touch him. His honey brown eyes searched Sin's expression intently, as if looking for something. Sin didn't know what he was looking for but whatever it was, he must have found it because he said suddenly, sincerely:

"I'm sorry." It seemed as though he hadn't quite meant to say that aloud, but once the words were in the open he couldn't help explaining. "I'm such a--" His eyes glinted and he stopped, dropping his eyes to stare at Sin's knees before he tried again. "Sin, I know it was all my fault, I know I fucked up. I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am, how much I regret it. I swear to you I didn't mean what I said, that you actually deserved that--"

His fingers dug into the covers at the thought and he tilted his head down further. Sin didn't speak, didn't respond, and so he continued. "And I'm so sorry for abandoning you, for fucking with your trust like I did. For letting that happen when I was in the same city. I should have been there for you but I wasn't. I can never make it up to you."

He stopped, his eyes narrowing slightly. "That's why you need to leave me behind now. All I ever do is hurt you. And when something happens, I'm never there to help you, just like I wasn't with Lou. I'm only ever going to make it worse. You're better off without me."

Sin continued to sit on the edge of the bed with his face turned away and when he finally moved his hands, he just stared down at the comforter. "Why would you ever think any of that was your fault?" he finally asked slowly, voice still quiet even if it wasn't as listless.

"Because I left you behind when I never should have," Boyd said in frustration. "There were so many things I could have done but I was too afraid to lose you-- too damn stupid to think properly with the idea that you would choose anyone else over me, even when that wasn't even happening." His fingers turned into fists against the cover. "My judgment was affected and just because it was Jessica, just because I was jealous, I did something horrible and ended up betraying you. And because of that, because I wasn't there as your partner like I should have been, you were tortured in a way you never should have lived through."

Sin finally sat up straight and looked over at Boyd, eyebrows drawn together with confusion and surprise. "
That's
why you acted that way? Because you were jealous?" he demanded. "Are you serious?"

Boyd fell silent for a moment. "Yes."

Sin shook his head, totally mystified. "So if it'd been anybody else you wouldn't have acted that way?"

"I don't know." Boyd paused then let out a breath. "Probably not. I would have been... thinking more clearly."

"You just--" Sin had to stop himself and once again look away.

The information didn't mollify the anger that he'd felt about Boyd's reaction; if anything, it only made it worse. He'd basically told Sin to do the thing that he'd scorned Connor for doing; killing an innocent person for his own personal reasons and gain.

Sin took a deep breath and tried to control the anger that was building inside him once again. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore it but as soon as he did the image of Jessica's blank, staring eyes assaulted him. His hands curled into fists and he swallowed convulsively, eyes snapping open because he just didn't want to see anymore; it was too much. "Do you know who you sounded like?"

"The Agency," Boyd said quietly after a moment.

"You sounded like Connors," Sin corrected him flatly, still not looking over. Even so, he could tell Boyd stiffened at the name. "You sounded just like Connors whenever he slides a file across his desk with a name in it, when he tells me to do his dirty work and take out some random person who hasn't really done anything wrong just because they're complicating his agenda."

Boyd drew away, sitting back on his heels and dropping his hands into his lap. He didn't seem to know what to say to that at first. It was a few seconds before he said softly, "I'm sorry."

"Just forget it. I don't even know why you would be jealous of her. She was never a replacement for you." He paused, and shook his head. "I didn't come here for this. It doesn't matter anymore."

And he hadn't. But it'd made him so angry before and hearing Boyd's reasoning just exacerbated it, made him want to tell him exactly how it made him feel. It wasn't even really about Jessica. It was about Boyd telling him he was human, telling him he shouldn't have to be anyone's tool, puppet, and then completely going back on those words when it came down to what was in his own best interest.

"I was upset because you told me to kill the woman but I never once blamed you for what ended up happening. It wasn't your fault. No one could have known how things wound up. When I woke up I wasn't angry about that. I was fucking worried because I had no idea what ever ended up happening to you or if you even escaped okay."

"I was fine," Boyd said, his tone somewhat bitter. "I escaped. It would have been pathetic if I left you there and got caught anyway. And after--" There was a slight catch in his words, as if he almost said something else, but then he continued. "I returned to the Agency, I've been here. So there's nothing to worry about."

Sin glanced at Boyd again. "Well apparently there is still something to worry about. Things are just a different kind of fucked up now. I just don't know what you expect me to do now. I don't know what you want from me because what you're telling me to do is not going to happen."

Boyd let out a long breath and brought one hand up to rub wearily at his eyes. "Sin, all I want is for you to be safe and happy. But you have to look at our history. I'm poison for you. I hurt people because of you-- I hurt
you
because of you. I can't be trusted. I fuck up so much; I make such resounding mistakes that destroy everything around me." He shook his head once, sharply. "I make one irrational decision and suddenly you're fucking dying in the back of the van. I watched you stop breathing. I watched them struggle to bring you back."

His eyes glinted but his expression seemed charged, his eyebrows lowering. "I'm a goddamn menace to you, Sin. You may have managed to live this time but I can't trust it will ever happen again. I'm afraid of the decisions I may make around you and the consequences they may have. I could be the death of you someday and I don't know if I can risk that."

"You can't risk that?" Sin's eyes narrowed into a glare and for a moment he was so aggravated that he didn't even realize that Boyd was saying he'd apparently
flat lined
more than once. "It's not just your decision. It's my life, and you're trying to make fucking decisions for me."

"I'm trying to protect you," Boyd insisted. "Sin, you died. You fucking died and they almost couldn't revive you. How am I supposed to forget that or the part I played in it?"

"Well I think that's fucking
bullshit
," Sin snapped angrily. "I think you coming to this decision just because you're afraid is fucking cowardly and selfish. So what, I almost died, guess what-- that's my goddamn job!"

He broke off abruptly, shaking with barely concealed anger and looked away, breath coming fast once again. It took several long moments to regain his composure but when he did he spoke with the same flat tone he'd used previously. "Just forget it. I'm not going to sit here and beg you. I'll give you what you want if you want it that bad."

There was no immediate response and Sin silently picked up the gun from where it had been thrown. He grabbed the magazine which had fallen closer to Boyd and ignored how tense the other man seemed as he stared silently at the floor. Shoving the clip back in the gun, Sin held it at his side as he walked out of the bedroom with a sense of finality.

"Wait."

But Sin didn't stop even though he heard hurried footsteps as Boyd ran after him.

Boyd sounded alarmed as he said, "Sin! Wait, please-- Please don't go!"

He didn't know if it was something in Boyd's tone, the slight hint of pleading and desperation, but whatever it was it made him pause in
mid-step
.

Sin felt Boyd's forehead rest against his back. Boyd didn't speak right away and they fell silent. When Sin made no effort to say anything or pull away, Boyd said quietly, "Thank you for waiting."

Sin stayed still. His body was tense and yet he couldn't make himself take another step; not with Boyd's warmth pressed against him. "Why are you doing this now?"

"Because it would have been worse if I didn't," Boyd said after a beat of hesitation.

"Worse for who?"

"For both of us," Boyd replied quietly.

"For both of us," Sin repeated in the same flat tone. "I'm doing what you told me to do and now that's not the right thing either?"

Boyd let out a low breath. "When I told you that at first, it was different," he said, his tone relatively reasonable despite how confusing his words were for Sin. "I didn't intend for it to turn out like this, for you to think that I never cared, that I could just drop you or forget you and move on as if nothing changed. I don't know what's right anymore, I just--" He shook his head, a sense of frustration in his tone. "I just know
this
isn't right. If I never saw you again and this was how we parted, then it's wrong."

"Then what's right, Boyd? I don't understand what you want me to do. I don't understand what you want from me anymore. Just--" Sin broke off for a moment. "Don't stand here and do this if you're just going to tell me the same shit again."

Boyd's hands twitched on Sin's shoulders and he drew in a breath.  "I've changed too. Being around you changed everything for me. Before the Agency, I may as well have been dead. Even after I met you, before we were friends, I was just waiting for my life to end."

Still Sin said nothing and his shoulders did not relax. He stared straight ahead, face expressionless and jaw clenched tightly.

Boyd pressed his forehead harder against him  He seemed intent on explaining before Sin had the chance to leave, before he could walk out and they could possibly never see each other again. "And now things are different. I'm different. And I need you too."

Dark eyebrows drew together slightly, green eyes narrowing as Sin stared at the door. For a moment he didn't believe what he'd heard. But he replayed the words in his mind and he inhaled slowly, eyes sliding closed even though none of the tension left his body.

"Don't play with me Boyd."

"I'm not," Boyd insisted. "I swear to God I'm not. I know you have reason to believe I may be lying, or maybe you think I changed my mind too quickly. But I swear, Sin, the only thing making me push you away before was the belief that you were better off without me."

The tension in the room seemed to weigh down on Sin's shoulders. Confusion and anxiety caused Sin to pull away from Boyd and cover his face with his hands, a frustrated sound escaping his throat. "You're driving me crazy. I come to a decision and then you come and fuck it up and now I don't even know what to do or say anymore."

"What do you think you did to me?" Boyd asked rhetorically.

Broad shoulders rose in a brief shrug and Sin just scoffed quietly at the situation in general. "So what now?"

"I don't know," Boyd admitted, looking away. "I suppose it depends on what your new decision is."

"Well it was to leave like you were telling me to but it would be stupid to do that now that you're telling me not to since I never wanted to in the first place," Sin said blandly.

After a moment, Boyd asked hesitantly, "So... Are we okay then?"

"If you swear that you're not going to go back on your word and change your mind later," Sin replied, not missing a beat.

"I won't.".

Sin turned finally, green eyes locking with brown and gracing the other man with a stare that seemed wary but mostly tired. His head was pounding by now and the dizziness from earlier was beginning to creep up on him again. He didn't know if the anxiety and tension had worsened his condition or if he'd been fucked the entire time and been moving purely on adrenaline. Whatever the reason, exhaustion was catching up with him.

"I don't really know what's going to happen now with the Agency. I figure I'll be sent back to medical so I don't know when I'll be able to contact you again."

"Wait," Boyd said, quickly taking a step forward when he realized Sin intended to leave. "You don't have to leave. I mean--" He stopped, then gave Sin a slightly uncertain look. "If it's alright with you, I'd like for you to stay the night."

Sin stared at him blankly for a moment and genuinely felt surprised at the request.

"That's fine with me," he said finally, looking around at the living room. "If they get antsy I'll deal with them when the time comes but I doubt they're going to do anything too dramatic considering they're in a civilian neighborhood and causing some huge standoff would draw a lot of unwanted attention. They'll more than likely just do an escort in the morning. I'm sure by now they've confirmed that neither of us is dead and if they haven't, the living room is in full view of a lot of windows so they'll figure it out when they see me sleeping."

Boyd looked over at the couch. The clean lines of the furniture stood out in the shadows and the pale light from the streetlight across the street. "I meant... for you to sleep in my room. With me. My bed is large enough and it's a lot more comfortable."