Evenfall (131 page)

Michael nodded stiffly. "Yes, Senior Agent Trovosky."

"Just... go away. And you too, Blair. Go harass the pilot."

Blair finally looked over, focusing on Kassian with a nod. His gaze moved to Boyd again, that same silent watchful look that was almost unnerving, before he stood. He waited for Michael to stand and move ahead of him before he trailed along in his wake. Michael didn't look at Boyd as he passed him and Boyd didn't bother looking over.

It hadn't even occurred to Boyd at the time that the reason for Michael's hesitation would be something like that and he was too tired to even know what he thought about it. He'd had people saying and implying any number of things about himself earlier in the year but it hadn't been a life-or-death situation. The idea that Sin almost didn't get help simply due to those stupid rumors that Sin could be gay... It was an offensive thought, that simply due to the idea of Sin having any sort of homosexual activity he was somehow automatically contagious or diseased.

By extension, that meant Michael must think the same of Boyd.

And wasn't that just great for Sin? People already considered him to be a monster but now there could be some who wouldn't dare touch his blood, who would let him die in front of them, not because they thought he was anything like a serial killer but just because he could be gay. Because they were afraid he would give them a disease.

The entire situation just wearied him.

He stayed silent, emotionless, and blankly listened to the door shutting behind Blair and Michael.

When the door closed Kassian collapsed against the seat and for the first time, the wearied expression completely overtook his features. He reached up and began undoing his vest as he closed his eyes briefly and rested the back of his head against the cushioned chair. He took a long, deep breath and yanked the vest off, dropping it on the floor before he also pulled off his outer shirt and sat there in a black tank top.

He raised one hand and rubbed his temples, not looking over at Boyd as he said, "How are you feeling?"

Boyd didn't answer at first, feeling like it was a stupid question. How was he supposed to feel? He'd just found out he'd let his partner and lover be tortured and nearly die-- no, his partner actually
had
died at least twice but had managed to be revived-- all because he had been jealous. Then he hadn't even been allowed to be near him, to touch him again after that brief moment, because he was considered to be a fuck-up of an agent. The mission he'd spent the majority of the year on had been an abominable failure and he'd somehow managed to be seen when escaping so he'd had to be on alert for the past two weeks. Apparently he was also diseased because he liked men. And he felt like shit.

"Fine."

"Liar." Kassian dropped his hand finally and rested his chin against his fist as he watched Boyd from under hooded eyes that were circled by dark shadows. "You've had a rough night, probably a rough few weeks. I apologize if I inadvertently made the situation any worse for you."

Boyd sighed, not really wanting to have to expend energy or mind power on a conversation at the moment. "It's fine," he said, not looking at Kassian still.

One blond eyebrow rose and Kassian made a face. "Well it's good to know I won't have to overextend myself with apologies around you."

"Not usually, no," Boyd said and finally looked up at Kassian. He looked as tired as he felt although his expression was unreadable. "Why did you make them leave?"

"Because when I'm around people on my team I feel like I have to continue being Senior Agent Trovosky and I don't think I can handle that anymore at the moment," Kassian replied with a shrug. "In addition to that, I haven't slept in days and I'm just cranky enough to shoot Michael in the face if he makes any other stupid comments." He watched Boyd quietly before continuing. "And I wanted to speak to you alone."

Boyd watched him for a long moment before he spoke. "About what?"

"I'm curious," Kassian began slowly. "About you."

Raising an eyebrow, Boyd stared. "What is there to be curious about?"

"What's there not to be curious about?" Kassian countered mildly. "At first I thought you were unprofessional, impatient, childish and a bad agent. However as the night progressed, I realized that my initial assessment wasn't correct. Well. Not entirely correct." He looked down the aisle idly. "Now I'm curious as to whether or not my new assessment is correct."

"I don't know what you think of me now so I don't see how I can be any help," Boyd said tiredly. "It would imply I'm still at least one of those descriptions and I don't see how talking to me will change that."

"Well let's see," Kassian said slowly. "Explaining your actions can change first impressions dramatically. But in this case I think I'll just come right out and say what I'm thinking." He tapped his finger against his cheek and stared at Boyd. "I think you're very impatient and very unprofessional, probably because you've only been exposed to Vega's skewed way of operating. However, the parts where you appeared childish and idiotic were probably because you were extremely worried about your partner, because you're in love with him."

The comment was met with a beat of stunned silence. Boyd stared at him, then blinked, and finally managed to convince his tired mind that he really had heard what he thought he had.

"What?" he asked finally, surprised and confused. "I don't..." He trailed off, not really knowing what he'd intended to say.

"You don't what?" Kassian replied. "You don't love him or you don't know if you love him?"

Boyd stared at him for a long moment before he turned his head away with a sigh, covering his eyes with his hand. His palm felt cool against his skin; he hadn't realized how dry and sore his eyes were until then.

"Why are we talking about this?" he asked wearily. "I was worried about him, you're right. He's my partner; I hadn't seen him for two weeks and suddenly the Agency contacted me, telling me he was dead. Then when we found him..." He shook his head, his voice falling quieter although he kept any emotion out of it. "He looked terrible. I don't think anyone would be thrilled to see that."

He dropped his hand and looked at Kassian with an unreadable expression. "If I acted... out of line, it's because you're right. I haven't had as much training and all my experience has been with someone who is not a good example of following the rules. Your team is well-versed, completely different from what I'm used to. I probably overreacted in general."

Kassian stared at him for a long moment before he responded. "I hope you don't think my intentions are to mock you. When I made that statement it wasn't because I found the idea to be particularly outrageous or revolting." He paused and rubbed his temples again, as though he were trying to figure out what he wanted to say. "I can't tell you how many times I've seen people on my team dying. Archer..."

Kassian frowned slightly and shook his head. "Archer in particular has scared the shit out of me on more than one occasion but..." His eyes slid over to Boyd again. "But never once did I look at him how you were looking at Vega." He held up his hand to halt any protests. "You can say I don't know what I'm talking about and hell, it's entirely possible that you don't even realize it yourself at the moment, but I know what I saw. I suppose what I am most curious about is how Vega can inspire that kind of emotion in a person."

This was probably the last conversation Boyd would choose to have at the moment, especially with someone he barely knew. The only person he could imagine he would actually consider it for and answer honestly was Ryan, and even that would take
a while
because he really didn't have the mental capacity to consider the thought right then. He searched for some way to get off the topic and thought of something he'd been meaning to bring up.

"He seems to inspire some sort of emotion in you," he replied with a slight shrug. "As I understand it you have a history of rivalry but you seemed... especially concerned for his safety."

Kassian snorted and rolled his eyes. "Is that what he told you? 'Rivalry'?"

That was a curious response. "How would you categorize it?"

"Well," Kassian crossed his arms over his chest and slumped down in the chair, stretching his legs out in front of him. "I would categorize it as our employers being idiotic and him being an asshole. To be frank."

Boyd watched him, finding it interesting to actually get the other side of the story. He'd heard about Kassian infrequently but over a long enough period of time that he'd created a view in his mind that hadn't really matched up to the actual person. "How so?"

"Our employers..." Kassian trailed off and gazed at Boyd steadily for a moment as if he were trying to figure out just how much he wanted to say. "..Have used him since he was a child. I was there in the beginning, I watched it happen. He was talented, insanely so, impossibly so, however I am of the opinion that it didn't give them the right to... exacerbate whatever his problem was. And so I had sympathy for him in the beginning. A lot of people resented him, they resented the fact that a teenager achieved Rank 10 in such a short amount of time. He assumed I resented it too I imagine, but in the beginning I just thought it was ridiculous to put such... responsibility in the hands of a child."

He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath. "But as he grew older, he became a bit of an asshole and no matter how sad his story is, I can't hold sympathy for assholes for very long. I suppose after
a while
I did begin pushing myself harder, trying to catch up to him, maybe to prove to myself that I could achieve what he had because I'm good at my job, prove that maybe... the Agency isn't as fucked up as I've started to realize it is--"

He broke off suddenly and waved his hand in annoyance. "I don't know what I'm talking about anymore, I'm exhausted. Long story short, I work my ass off to achieve the things that he has but I can't do what he does because I'm cursed with a pesky thing called a conscience, called morals. So they don't trust me and it pisses me off because I'm damn good at what I do. I'm better at what I do than he is, but the only exception is that he can kick the ass of just about any man in the known world and kill thirty more in 0.89 seconds. It is difficult at times not to feel competitive with him. He's undisciplined in so many regards, disrespectful-- he's a lot like his father in that way, I suppose."

Kassian paused briefly and shook his head. "And he enjoys making a fool of me so that does not help matters. The times I've sparred with the man, despite the fact that he is allegedly so hungry for any kill, he took great pleasure in toying with me and didn't seem at all interested in taking the fight seriously because he knew there was no way I'd beat him."

It was quiet a moment as Boyd considered that and Kassian fell silent. He could see what Kassian was saying and he found it interesting what he said about the Agency. He wondered what Kassian would say if he knew what Sin thought about this all, about the morals Sin had and how he'd felt about McCall's assassination. And although he'd already seen examples of Kassian insisting that Sin was just a man, it still made him feel somehow better to have him say something about that outright. He made a soft noise to himself; the irony did not escape him that, in a way, Kassian and he were very alike yet they'd definitely reached different conclusions about what Sin was to them.

"I know what you mean, actually," Boyd said after a moment, leaning back against the seat and watching Kassian. "He didn't want a partner so he did his best to cut me down and wait for me to die at first. At the same time, I never thought he was a monster and I never agreed with his treatment. It seemed to me it would just encourage the very cycle of reactions that they resented him for. And the way he can finish in seconds something that takes me so long to even prepare for..."

He shook his head to himself, lifting a hand and then letting it drop on his thigh. "When I think about it, I become frustrated. I can't tell you how many times I've worked hard on something only to have him dismiss it entirely, do his own thing, and rub it in my face that he was faster anyway. So I just stopped comparing us. It would probably be more difficult for you because you were here first, you have more of a history, and you're the same rank. But at least for myself, I don't think it would be productive. He's just... different. It doesn't make him better or worse; he's just not the same. There are things he can do that I can't, and things I can do that he can't. The same with you and Sin. And what Sin can or can't do has nothing to do with your individual ability as an agent. Or who or what you are as a person."

Boyd paused, trying to figure out how to word what he wanted to say. As much as Kassian had annoyed him earlier, the way he'd been ignoring him and acting as if he was simply something to be held to the side so he wouldn't get in the way, he had to admit that his own assessment of Kassian had changed over time as well. The memory of Kassian so desperately trying to revive Sin was enough on its own for Boyd to respect him.

Holding Kassian's gaze, he said honestly, "I personally think that a person who is fair; who, regardless of personal opinions, protects the lives of allies and does not tolerate disrespect, is a good choice for a leader. I may not be a terrifically moral person myself, but... I think that's the sort of person that people can look up to and believe in. And that should definitely count for something."