Evenfall (109 page)

"Well if you're not sorry about any of that then don't bother being sorry about me seeing it," he said pointedly after a moment. "Either be fine with your actions or be sorry for the whole thing. You shouldn't pick only the parts that could look bad for you in any manner and then say that part's wrong but the rest is perfectly fine. That's really selective."

There was a long silence and then she suddenly laughed. "Wow, why did I even bother trying to talk to you?"

"I dunno," Boyd said with a shrug. "You probably thought it'd make you look better."

Jess shook her head and looked up at the ceiling as if asking for guidance on how to deal with him from a higher power. "You obviously have a hearing disability or just want to be an idiot. How could anything possibly make me look bad? The two of you aren't in a relationship. I told you why I came over here, I told you why I apologized, yet you just seem set on being rude or making assumptions about my intentions even though I'm being incredibly straightforward with you. So from that I'm going to make the assumption, since we're playing that game now, that you obviously do have feelings for Jason and if that is the case, then once again, I apologize."

Even if she thought she was being straightforward, Boyd didn't think she was listening to his point. Whatever her intentions truly were, he still thought her execution was terrible. And since he didn't like her in the first place, it just annoyed him that he was having to spend this time talking to her at all. He would have far preferred that she'd never approached him in the first place. Even if the kiss had made him realize he felt something unexpected, he hadn't thought of it as a big deal or put a lot of weight behind it until she had to come over and start flapping her mouth.

"Obviously we don't agree and we're not gonna get anywhere with this. So, fine. You've said you're sorry, you can go away feeling better now. Are we done or was there anything else you wanted to selectively apologize for?"

"You know, Kadin," she began slowly, shaking her head at him. "Obviously you want to be hostile towards me and deliberately misinterpret what I say, and obviously you have feelings for Jason that he doesn't have for you. So you need to take that up with him instead of blaming me when all I was trying to do was be nice and explain that neither of us was intentionally trying to hurt your feelings by having you walk in on that. But whatever, continue to be angry all you want but you should direct it at the right person or at least sort things out with him and figure out where you stand."

He almost raised an eyebrow incredulously. 'Obviously'? What the fuck was her problem? She didn't even know what she was talking about; even Boyd couldn't entirely understand what Sin thought or felt, and he had been around him for a year. Now she was suddenly some expert on all this after a few months? Because she hired Sin to be her bouncer, because she'd kissed him a few times and acted like a desperate, distasteful woman whenever he was around? Now she also knew what Boyd secretly supposedly felt
and
she was trying to tell him what to do?

"What makes you think you know anything about this anyway?" Boyd asked, somehow keeping the question from becoming a demand.

Jess opened her mouth to say something then paused, seeming to think better of it. "Let's just say..." She trailed off for a moment and hesitated once again as if trying to figure out how to word whatever she wanted to say. "I know guys don't like to talk about their feelings and all, but if you don't and it turns out I'm right, don't be surprised if one day down the road Jason ends up with a woman." She stared at him for a moment and then shook her head, turning around and walking across the room.

Boyd watched her go, words failing him. He didn't know which emotion he felt the most at that moment but none of them were particularly positive. It annoyed him that she continued to act as if she somehow had a superior relationship with Sin, as if she somehow knew exactly what was going on. As if she had as much history with him as Boyd did. He knew that she knew them as Kadin and Jason, that she was reacting to their cover personalities and that probably as far as she was concerned, she knew 'Jason' just as well as he did. But she didn't, so he found it to be a little condescending the way she implied he needed her shitty advice to figure out where he stood with his partner or, as far as she understood, his roommate and the person he slept with. Like she'd fucking know how to get closer or stay close with Sin anyway; it's not like Sin came home to her every night and ran his hands over
her
body. What the fuck did she know about any of this?

Even so, the confidence in her words was a little unnerving. She could just be reacting to the fact that Sin appeared to be kissing her back and had once seemed briefly interested in her, so she assumed he liked women, but it seemed somehow it must have been more than that. The carefulness with which she chose her words was obvious to Boyd, which lent them more weight. The way she said it implied to him that she thought Sin would ultimately end up and stay with a woman, that he would leave Boyd entirely. But why would she think that?

It was a confusing point for Boyd; he knew he was gay but he didn't know what Sin was. He knew Sin liked fucking him now, but would that always remain the case? Would he decide in the future that he was bored? When Sin had first mentioned the time with Jessica in the office, he'd said for a moment he'd wanted to rip her clothes off and fuck her. But he'd stopped. Boyd had always taken that as a sign that somehow... it just wouldn't happen. But maybe...

Even if he thought Jessica was distasteful and he didn't like her at all, even if he thought she was stepping out of bounds by commenting on any of this or telling him what he should do and who he should supposedly blame, he still couldn't shake how certain she seemed when she said that.

He turned abruptly to walk to the staircase. He was trying not to think about it; all this was doing was irritating him further. When he made it to the second level, he found Sin leaning against the rail and smoking a cigarette while he looked down at the room below. He was standing just about where they'd nearly kissed the first time and the thought made Boyd slow as he approached. He watched the way shadows played across Sin's face, the glint of the silver ring through his lip, the casual way he held the cigarette and the smoke pouring from his mouth. The man was incredibly attractive and somehow being in this environment seemed to emphasize his sexiness.

Boyd leaned against the railing next to Sin and, trying to put the thoughts out of his mind but not feeling immediately successful, he looked away. His expression would be unreadable to most but Sin knew him well enough to realize he was irritated.

He raised an eyebrow. "What'd she want?"

"Nothing." Boyd's tone made it clear he didn't want to talk about it and he didn't look over.

Sin exhaled slowly, blowing smoke toward Boyd's face and narrowing his eyes slightly although he didn't say anything else about it. He shook his head and closed his eyes briefly with a frustrated sigh.

Boyd looked over sidelong, considering him for a moment. Watching Sin rest against the railing made it a little easier to put the distracting thoughts out of his mind; he couldn't do anything about whatever Jessica thought she knew and he really didn't want to talk about what was going on between them so it would be stupid to let her words make him incapable of carrying on how he always did. He could see the way Sin seemed a little distracted, a little tense.

"How are you doing?" he asked quietly.

Sin shrugged one shoulder and took another drag from his cigarette before opening his eyes and looking at Boyd again. "I'm being stupid," he said with an annoyed grimace. "I've... grown fond of the way things have been. Of acting... normal."

Somehow the topic was almost a relief to Boyd; this was something he could deal with, this was something he could understand. "That's not stupid," he said without a doubt. "It happens in these situations. You've been a high-level bodyguard for a while," and though there was nothing different in the way he said that, it was clear that he was referring to Sin's normal life in code, "and now you've had the chance to be someone less... dangerous, just a normal bouncer. Anyone in your position would feel the same, but I think it's more pronounced for you."

Sin shrugged with a slight frown.

Boyd watched him for a moment, studying his expression. The fact that he could read some of Sin's emotions and thoughts was a big change on its own; when they'd first met, Sin had been so guarded that it was nearly impossible. But he still couldn't read him completely, and though he could make any number of assumptions he wanted regarding what was going on in Sin's mind, there were some things a person just needed to talk about. "What are you thinking?"

Sin shook his head slowly, considering this, and dropped his eyes again. "I just think I don't deserve it," he replied flatly. "All this-- it's because they don't know what I really am. But still, for some idiotic reason I wish--" He stopped speaking abruptly. "Never mind."

Boyd studied him, letting a pause fill the air to show that he was listening, that he was considering his words and not just automatically replying, but then he shook his head. "I don't think that's true," Boyd said seriously. "The problem is that people don't often look beyond the first thing they see or hear about someone else. You've always been at a disadvantage because of that. But you don't know what they'd think if they heard everything now that they've gotten to know you. They may not care; they've had a chance to see more of you than most people bother with. And regardless of what they'd decide, it still doesn't mean you don't deserve it. You deserve kindness and acceptance just as much as anyone else, if not more."

There was a brief silence as Sin seemed to let that absorb. His expression was so conflicted and confused, that it wasn't surprising when he shook his head and ran his hands through his hair.

"I've changed."

Boyd lifted one shoulder in a partial shrug. "Is that bad?"

"Yes." Sin lifted the cigarette to his mouth again. "It is for me. To do the things I am expected to do, I am not supposed to grow attached to people. To people like them." He looked down at the group and took a long drag. "I'm supposed to easily let people go, to go from assignment to assignment--" He continued, speaking generally in code, "And not care about the people I come across. I'm not supposed to miss people like Johnny and Estella. Like Jessica."

Boyd considered that. He didn't think about the idea of Sin missing Jessica because he knew it would just distract him from the point. When they'd first started, Sin had been so certain he would never blend in, but now there were all those people downstairs who he'd developed rapport with, had come to grow used to having around, had come to accept as they'd accepted him. But that was an inevitable progression of that sort of situation, Boyd felt, and he also felt that Sin would probably look at it as a weakness on his part.

"It would have been foolish if they expected to give you this job without realizing that something was bound to change," he said reasonably. "Anyone who finds themselves in another situation for so long would naturally grow used to the people."

Dark eyebrows drew together and Sin shook his head. "No. It's not that. I don't care what was expected of me. I don't care what... they want.
I
don't like it.
I
don't want to be this way. I don't want to care about people. I don't want to miss people. I don't want to feel normal and then go back to... to reality. It's not possible for someone like me. For someone who does what I do. It's--" He stopped again. "Forget it. I can't explain."

Boyd shook his head. "No... you don't have to; I understand what you mean. I just..." He paused, looking away as he tried to gather his thoughts. He could understand what Sin meant; when he compared the Sin next to him to the one he'd first met in the Agency, the one he'd watched for hours on the live feed at night... He had to admit that they were different. Sin smiled more now, he actually laughed; he joked around with people, he was casually touched in manners that were not meant to harm him. When he walked into the room, people didn't look over in suspicion or away in fear; if they ignored him it was the way they'd ignore anyone else. It wasn't personal. Here, Sin had a chance to relax, to show more of the person Boyd had known for a long time was buried somewhere inside, and... And he knew... what Sin meant. The idea of Sin returning bothered him as well.

It was stupid; it wasn't like the entire mission wasn't planned out, as if they'd never been on a schedule and never realized they'd be going back. But somehow he hadn't given himself the chance to think about it too much over the past several months. He knew it was a tactical error but he'd been too distracted by the freedom of the city, of their situation, of his ability to just reach out and run his lips or hands down Sin's body whenever he wanted. Probably because he hadn't wanted to take away from his enjoyment and relaxation, he hadn't seriously compared that to the inevitable future of Sin back in the Agency. There was no real way for them to rebel against that concept; there was no way the Agency would just let a valuable 'resource' like Sin run off, not to mention they had him tracked on GPS at least and who knew what else. If he disappeared, they would probably track him down and drag him back and... who knew what would happen at that point. It wasn't a pleasant thought, especially considering the fact that he was enjoying Sin the way he was in Monterrey, the same as he imagined Sin probably enjoyed the freedom to act how he was, to be so relaxed. After a moment, he said,