Eternally Yours: Roxton Letters Volume 1 (15 page)
Read Eternally Yours: Roxton Letters Volume 1 Online
Authors: Lucinda Brant
Tags: #Georgian, #romance, #Roxton, #Series, #Eighteenth, #Century, #England, #18th
Love and best,
Your loving Papa
J S L
Antonia Roxton Diary entry.
Friday May 9, 1777
The morning after opening night of Sheridan’s School for Scandal
Renard, I saw the most wonderful play last night. School for Scandal by Richard Sheridan. I predict it will be enduring, it is very witty. I told you all about it upon one of my visits before coming up to London. I was in two minds whether to attend the performance, because I have not been to the theater without you. But Jonathon he convinced me, and I did so very much want to see if the actors could do Sheridan’s writing justice. Of course, there was too much noise and chatter, and the eyes of many upon me, but I tried not to let that worry me, as you were used to doing. My fan helped, but I own your quizzing glass is a much better weapon of choice to quell the masses upon such public occasions.
Julian he was there with Deb, and Martin came along, too. The boys sat with us, and at interval, Julian came across to our box with Martin on his arm. Martin was leaning more heavily than usual on his stick because he had a fall while alighting from his carriage. It is nothing for you to worry about and the bruise will heal in no time.
Oh, but Renard, I wish you could have seen Julian’s face when I introduced Martin to Jonathon! Jonathon shook Martin’s hand heartily, as if they were old friends, then remarked it was good to finally meet the other man in Antonia’s life! Oh yes! That is what Jonathon he said! Can you believe it?
Incroyable
is it not? I gave a gasp and then rapped him upon the knuckles for his impertinence. And what did he do? He laughed and snatched the fan from me and playfully chucked me under the chin. And all this before two hundred pairs of eyes. Poor Julian could hardly breathe from the embarrassment. Martin was transfixed, and because he spent so many years with you, he did what you always do in such socially awkward situations, he said nothing. Nothing! But me I am attuned to both of you, and know you let your eyes do the talking for you. And this is what Martin did. So I saw the gleam in his eye and the smile, too. He even dared to actually smile when he turned away to speak to Henri-Antoine. Poor Julian did not know where to look or what to say to such outlandish behavior. I felt a little sorry for him, because it must be so awkward for him to be in the presence of his mother’s lover, particularly when this man is not much older than he. It helped to break the tension, I think, when he was told Deborah was waving at us from their box, and he turned and relaxed a little. And then it was time for the interval to be over, so they returned to their seats.
Martin is staying with Julian and Deborah, and they will all join us this morning for the ceremony. I am so very pleased he is here for that. It will help Julian get through it, and feel he has at least one ally in the room, for Deborah, she, too, approves of Jonathan, as does everyone else.
Henri-Antoine and Jack are staying with me for a week after the ceremony, and then they are returning to Oxford and their studies. They have promised me, and I will hold them to their word. Henri-Antoine he is very intelligent but tries to hide it, I think for Jack’s sake. Not that Jack is unintelligent. But in Henri-Antoine there is a quickness of brain and understanding that is rare in one of his age. He is also an excellent linguist, like you, and can switch between English and French without hesitation. He listens to Jonathan in English, and to me in French, and answers us in our respective languages. It is most extraordinary, but we do not do it often, because Jack he is not so linguistically gifted. But then, who is?
I always knew our son was the image of you, did I not tell you so? And as he grows older and becomes more a man, the more apparent this likeness becomes, which should please you. I cannot lie that it does not sometimes give me a pain in the heart to see him and to hear him. More than once I have turned at his voice and expected you, my love, to be standing there. Our younger son he even sits in the manner you do, silent and observant, always assessing any given situation before speaking when in public. And just like you, when he is behind closed doors with those he truly loves and thus is completely comfortable, he transforms and is relaxed and smiling. He loves games of charades and has an infectious laugh—which I might add are the only attributes he seems to have inherited from his mamma! Oh, and perhaps his love of reading, too—it is as if it is you come amongst us again… To hear him laugh again! It truly is music to my ears. And he is happy—I think because his mamma she has finally returned to the land of the living, and to him. I have missed him so much, and he, me.
But I have not told you the most startling piece of news of all! Our son’s episodes of falling sickness have abated to the point that Bailey he is no longer his shadow, and has not been these past two years. I can hardly believe it myself, Renard, but Henri-Antoine assures me it is so, and that the last episode he suffered was some twelve months ago, and it was only a mild one at that. This makes me so very happy, and I wanted to hug my little boy and kiss him and cry all at the same time. Of course I did not do this, for what boy who is about to turn sixteen wants his mamma acting like a madwoman before his best friend? Though I think Jack he would not have minded in the least. So now you can stop worrying and perhaps I will, too. Though I still cannot believe the sickness has truly left him. But Jonathon says Jack will always watch Henri-Antoine’s back, and so we will leave it to him to tell us if there is any change.
I will confess it because I know you will not mind in the least, and even Julian he is pleased by it too, Henri-Antoine truly likes Jonathon, and Jonathon him. It is a lovely sight to see them in each other’s company, relaxed and talking as if they have known each other since Henri-Antoine was a small boy. But I think that is Jonathon’s gift, to put people at their ease with his agreeable charm. Just like Vallentine was used to doing, if Vallentine was slightly more vague in his delivery. How I miss my friend. But he is with you and Madam, and so I am a little jealous the three of you have each other, and left me here alone. And because I have been so very alone—
No! That is now not true. But I did not take this man as my lover to simply end my loneliness but because I love him. I love him, Renard, and I did not think it at all possible that I would ever feel this way again with another man but you. But I cannot lie to my own heart, now can I? Or to you. There I have confessed all, and written it here in ink in my diary, and I will tell you to your face when next I visit you. But you did urge me to live and love again, and while I never believed it possible, it has happened without any will or seeking on my part.
Oh! Please excuse me for not telling you earlier. I have accepted Jonathon’s offer of marriage; the man has asked me so many times I have lost count. He truly does love me, even though he knows that in marrying me, he must forever share me with you.
Mon Dieu
, I have just read back that sentence and it sounds very naughty indeed. Ha! Let it stay that way, for it is true. Jonathon must share me with you, for I am not whole without you.
This is what you wanted for me all along, is it not, my love? And me I would not listen—I could not, then. I could not contemplate a life without you, and to own a truth there are moments when I am still dazed to think you will not walk through a doorway and join me. But as I live and breathe, I know I must do more than just exist. For how can I face you one day to hear you scold me for wasting what life was left to me? When the day comes for us to be reunited forever, it will be such a joyous occasion and I will embrace it wholeheartedly, but for now I am here, and this morning I am getting married and begin a new chapter in my life.
So I sign this letter for you, my darling love, as the Duchess of Roxton, but for the last time until I am reunited with you. Until then it will be as the Duchess of Kinross that I next sit before you, and I know that will please you very much.
Au revoir
, my love,
Antonia, Duchess of Roxton
E
ND
R
OXTON
L
ETTERS
— V
OLUME
O
NE
—
The Roxton Family Saga continues in book 4,
Dair Devil
, the story of Alisdair (Dair) Fitzstuart, heir to the Earldom of Strathsay and Aurora (Rory) Talbot, granddaughter of England’s Spymaster General, Lord Shrewsbury.
Skip ahead to read the first chapter.
Continue on to explore behind-the-scenes of
Eternally Yours
.
I
N
THE
eighteenth century, poetry played a large part in the lives of the literate (who read and wrote poems) and the illiterate (who listened to poetry read by others) in expressing views on everything from politics, marriage, travel, the weather, gossip, day to day activities, and of course, love. Everyone who could write tried their hand at poetry, whether for their own pleasure, to entertain family and friends, or to express feelings that were too difficult to articulate in speech – usually feelings of love.
The verse Roxton includes in the letter is based, as he points out, on a poem by a seventeenth century poetess. That poem is
On Desire
by
Aphra Behn
(1640-1689) an Englishwoman who was a playwright, poet, translator and author, and who “broke cultural barriers and served as a literary role model for later generations of women authors”.
On Desire
is about a woman’s journey to find sexual fulfilment and was considered quite shocking at the time. Historically, women were discouraged from seeking out sexual partners, they were to be virgins until marriage, always chaste as wives, and their principal purpose was to breed.
So Aphra Behn was a trailblazer! Her female protagonist in
On Desire
goes searching everywhere, and by implication, has sex with whomever takes her fancy, searching for the one lover who can satisfy her not only sexually but emotionally i.e. with whom she can fall in love.
I have taken Aphra’s poem and inverted it. It is not about a woman, but about a man—Roxton. And it is not about searching for “desire” i.e. sexual fulfilment, but falling in love.
Despite his many sexual escapades, Roxton has never been in love, but now he has fallen in love with Antonia he realises that subconsciously while he was bed-hopping he was seeking love and to fall in love.
Have searched and sought thee everywhere,
In silent groves, in lonely bowers:
On flowery beds where lovers wishing lie
But it is meeting and falling in love with Antonia that provides revelation. His previous sexual encounters may have been physically fulfilling in the moment but without engagement of his finer feelings, he was left dissatisfied—he was not in love.
Where beauty prostrate lay and fortune wooed,
My heart, insensible, to neither bowed
And so he uses Aphra’s poem to tell Antonia about his journey in seeking his one true love. The entire final stanza speaks of his joy in finally finding true love and happiness with her; that he is satisfied sexually and emotionally, and that she has his devotion, beyond death—forever.
As in the sanctified abodes
Forevermore…
Dair Devil
SEQUEL TO AUTUMN DUCHESS
Roxton Family Saga Book 4
