Eternal Starling (Emblem of Eternity Trilogy) (25 page)

“Most memories are dormant until the soul is ready to move to a higher plane. However, there have been cases where some people have remembered their past lives. It’s rare, but sometimes events can trigger those memories.”

I watched the road in front of us as I again wondered if the dream-like visions I’d seen had actually been memories. If so, what were they memories of and how did they fit into the story of my soul?

Neither of us spoke and the silence felt like a heavy blanket weaving its way through the car. I wanted to know how I’d really felt about Emil when I met him so many years ago. I wished that I could see my past, see what had really happened. I was so sure my instincts had been right and Emil wasn’t a threat. “I don’t understand why he’s always been so worried about me and my feelings if he was only using me,” I said. “He’s one of the
better
guys I’ve dated.”

Alex frowned at my opinion of Emil as a boyfriend. “I wouldn’t lie to you,” he said. “I told you from the beginning that Emil had ulterior motives.”

That was exactly what I needed at the moment, Alex rubbing his superior knowledge in my open wound. Anger rose from the bottom of my stomach. “Yeah, maybe you should’ve given me a heads up about the Daevos and your theories about Emil. Then I might have taken your warning a little more seriously instead of thinking you were jealous.”

Alex smirked. “Is that what you thought?” His expression made me even more upset—as if jealousy would be such a difficult thing for him to experience. “Besides, you know about him now and are still having trouble believing he’s a bad guy, so it wouldn’t have made a difference what I did or didn’t tell you, would it?”

I leaned back in my seat, turning away from Alex. I rolled my window halfway down and breathed in the smell of newly turned soil and fresh harvested fields. It was all so much to take in. I felt completely alone. It didn’t matter that my parents would always support me no matter what, that Emil and Alex both knew about the craziness of past lives and secret societies, or that Alex was there twenty-four-seven to watch me and keep me safe. None of that made a difference. I felt like the only person who could take care of me, could save me, was myself. I’d always thought my independence was one of my strongest attributes, but at the same time, the sheer knowledge that I was utterly alone sent me into an emotional tailspin. I turned toward the passenger window, slumping down in the seat until I finally fell asleep.

Chapter 17

When I woke up, we were pulling into a rest stop about an hour away from Gunnison. I rubbed my eyes. “How long did I sleep?”

“About three hours.” Alex assessed me with concern, similar to the way my mom looked at me when I was sick. “How are you feeling?”

I wrapped my arms around myself like it would protect me from my thoughts. “Overwhelmed.”

Alex nodded in understanding. “Considering everything you’ve learned this weekend, I’m surprised you’re taking it as well as you are.” He unbuckled his seat belt. “I needed a break so I pulled over.”

I nodded and opened my car door. Still tired, I stumbled into the rest stop bathroom. I stood at the sink looking at myself in the mirror, finger combing the knots from my hair. I took a few minutes to compose myself and breathe before going back out to face Alex and Emil.

There were tables between the rest stop building and the car; Emil was sitting at one of them. “Hey,” he said with a grin.

I smiled back. “Hi.”

“Did you have a good nap?” Emil asked.

“Yeah, I guess I was tired. I need to practice resting when I go on vacations instead of getting stressed out.”

“Why are you stressed?” Emil asked, perplexed. This question confirmed it for me, guys really are idiots.

I laughed. “Having you and Alex show up wasn’t helpful.”

“Sorry,” he frowned. “I wasn’t trying to cause problems. I just wanted to see you.” He seemed sincere and it was hard to believe he had ever wanted to use or hurt me in any way. In fact, I wasn’t sure I did believe it. Even knowing what Alex had told me didn’t dissipate my gut feeling that Emil cared for me.

I smiled. “No, it’s okay. I’m glad you came.”

Emil flashed a boyish grin. “So, do you want to ride with me yet?”

I smiled, managing to get a jab in at Alex. “Wish I could, but you know the warden won’t let me.”

Emil glanced away for a beat before turning back to me. “Alex has control issues,” he said with the hint of a smile.

Alex walked up behind me. “Are you ready to go?”

I nodded. “I’ll see you at the next gas station, Emil.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Emil said as we walked back to the cars.

I yawned, still trying to wake up. Alex noticed and said he’d drive again. We drove out of the rest stop and back onto the freeway. “You handled the conversation with him well. I couldn’t tell you were uneasy,” Alex said.

I hadn’t thought about Alex watching me, but of course he was. He wouldn’t have left me alone. “Because I wasn’t,” I said. “I know you’re on an evil-Emil kick, but I have pretty good instincts and Emil doesn’t make me nervous.” Alex tensed and instead of getting in yet another argument, I decided to change the subject. “Don’t you ever get tired of constantly having to watch over me? You’re almost three hundred years old—you’re like a geriatric babysitter.”

The muscles in Alex’s face relaxed. “I never get tired of being with you.” Comments like that infuriated me. Alex was so fickle about his feelings. Why did he have to keep leading me on when a few hours earlier he was balking at the idea that he would ever be jealous? I was sick of it and decided to confront him.

I took a deep breath, turning in my seat to face him. “I need to ask you something.” I was quiet while I decided what to say. “Why
exactly
did you decide to leave in July? You said you left to stop the Daevos from tracking our bond and finding me, but was that the whole reason?”

The smile dropped from Alex’s mouth, a sullen look replacing it.

I continued, “I thought there was a connection between us from that first day in the mountains, but then you were a jerk. I wasn’t surprised—you’re a guy after all—but when you came back into my life again, acting like you still cared, I was . . . confused. I understand that you being in my life is part of your job, but it seemed like there was more to it than that. I mean, you said you were my soul mate.” I looked away, waiting for his response.

When he started talking, I turned back to him. His hands tensed on the steering wheel. “I wasn’t
acting
like I cared. I did—I do, care. I left because I had to. I knew my feelings for you were affecting how well I could protect you.

“Once I realized Daevos members were in Gunnison, I left to talk to the Amaranthine leaders about how strong my connection with you was and my theory that our soul mate bond had drawn Emil’s clan to us. They advised me to watch you remotely for a few weeks to see if the Daevos threat continued. When Emil came into your life, I had to come back. But since our bond caused the problem in the first place, I knew I wouldn’t be able to have a physical relationship with you. Now you know what’s happening and even though you’re sitting a foot away, we still can’t be together because Emil’s Clan is too dangerous.

“For me . . .” the words seemed difficult for Alex to find, “getting to stay with you, to spend more time with you . . . to love you the way you should be loved, it’s all I live for.”

Alex’s words shocked me so much I forgot to breathe; when I finally remembered, I gasped a little. Since the day he had shown up at the theater he’d been so aloof about his feelings that I wasn’t even sure if he liked me anymore, but now he was telling me he loved me? Alex searched my face for a reaction that would give him more information than my inability to take a breath. “You . . . love me?”

Alex smiled like I was an idiot. “I thought my feelings for you were pretty obvious.”

I threw my hands in the air in complete shock and felt like I was reliving our previous conversation at his house when we first started dating. “How could I have possibly known that? You’re the king of mixed signals! One minute you’re insulting me, the next minute, you’re declaring your undying love.”

The muscles at his jaw contracted for a moment. “Sometimes I have a difficult time expressing my emotions.”

I replayed Alex’s words in my head. His feelings didn’t seem like a recent development. I wondered how long Alex had been in love with me. “What did you mean when you said you want to love me the way I should be loved?” I asked.

“I can’t really be with you like I want to be, or show you I love you until I become human again,” Alex explained.

“So, if you were human, we could be together?” I asked. He nodded. “So why would you choose to remain my Protector?”

He looked like he wanted to say more than he should. “I was there the night you came into the safe house. I asked to be put on your case.”

“Why would you do that?” I asked.

Again, the look. “We have a history, Evie. I knew without a doubt that I was supposed to be with you— whatever you needed, I knew I would be there forever —and I took steps to make sure that would happen. I wanted to take care of you, to make sure you would be safe—in the hope that one day, one life, we could be finally be together.”

I took a moment to process what Alex had told me. I was surprised, happy, and above all else, flattered. Most people have a hard time finding a person they can stand to be with for twenty or thirty years, yet Alex had loved me for centuries. As Alex and I looked at each other, it felt like nothing in the world could tear us apart. He turned his attention back to the road and I said, “I guess it’s not all bad. I mean, in some ways it must be nice being a Protector. You have everything anyone could ever want,” I pointed out.

“Not everything.” He turned away, but I could still see the pain flash across his face. “Protectors are chosen for their strength: both mental and physical. Protecting souls is our job. We have a choice, of course, but being a Protector comes at a
huge
cost.”

“What cost?” I asked. “I don’t understand.”

“In my case, not being able to touch you, or interact with you the way I wanted to. Having to love you in silence for so many years was harder than you can imagine,” Alex explained. “When the Amaranthine gave all Protectors orders to guard their Trackers in person, it meant I needed a reason to be in your life every day. I appeared to you in the mountains because you were hopelessly lost and needed help finding your way back to the trail. My plan was to get to know you and be your friend, but once I was in your life again, I couldn’t stop there. I let things go too far. When the incident on your living room floor happened, things went downhill rapidly. I shouldn’t have touched you, let alone become that intimate with you.” He gritted his teeth, disappointed in himself.

I thought about us kissing on the floor and failed to understand Alex’s concern. I pushed my brows together and asked, “Why aren’t you supposed to touch me? What’s wrong with that?”

Alex sighed and smiled. “I tried to tell you about this a few days ago. Remember the bond that allows a Protector to track their client’s soul after they die a mortal death?” I nodded, remembering his explanation. He continued, “In addition to our Protector / Tracker bond, your soulmark and mine recognized each other, which made our bond even stronger—and more dangerous. Our bond becomes more intense depending on how intimate we are—that connection makes it easier for a Daevos Tracker to find us. Our connection happened faster than I anticipated it would. Touching you was bad enough, kissing stepped
way
over the line, and anything more than that, well, I might as well have set off fireworks inviting Emil’s Clan over.”

I grinned, realizing I wasn’t as repulsive as I’d thought. If it weren’t for the soulmarks and the Daevos, Alex never would have left.

Alex noticed my smile and gave me a curious look. “What are you thinking?”

I glanced over at him. “About the soulmarks—and that I’m glad you really did want me. I thought you were making excuses.”

Alex laughed. “No, I was practicing centuries of active restraint. Even that was hard when we kissed. It took everything I had to stop things from getting more heated, and your eagerness didn’t help.”

“Speaking of kissing,” I raised my eyebrow, “You’re pretty good at it. Exactly how many girls have you practiced on?”

He licked his lips and answered, “Just one.”

My mouth fell open. “Are you telling me that in the two hundred and seventy one years you’ve been alive, you’ve only kissed one other girl?” He nodded. “How is that possible?”

He shrugged. “Things were different then.” He could tell I didn’t believe him. “Think about it—I spent a lot of my life in boarding schools. When most of my peers were going to parties and meeting their future wives, I was busy running the estates my parents had left me and managing investments. Soon after that, I decided to become a Protector.”

Alex’s quick summary of his life coupled with the solitary existence he’d lived as my Protector made me think he must have been very lonely. “So you aren’t allowed to have a significant other when you’re a Protector?”

He lifted his shoulders. “It’s not prohibited, but it’s not advised either. You’re always gone. Unless your partner is also part of the Amaranthine, you can’t tell them what you do. Protectors usually resign from their position soon after they get romantically involved with someone.”

I was bewildered, still thinking of what an amazing kisser he was. “One other girl doesn’t give you much practice.”

Alex’s grin was smug now. “Years of watching you kiss other people was a frustrating tutorial. Plus, the chemistry we have helped.”

Now I was irritated and uncomfortable wondering what he’d seen. “You watched me?”

“Not often,” he said. “I didn’t enjoy watching the person I loved look at someone else, let alone kiss them.”

I wasn’t sure how I felt about that and stared out the window. I recognized the familiar mountains and stores of Gunnison. I was glad we’d be back at my house soon. After about five minutes, Alex sighed, but in a good way. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited to tell you all of this? It has literally been centuries that I’ve had to keep quiet and not tell you I love you. You can’t possibly understand how difficult it’s been to watch you date, kiss, fall in love with, and marry other men for so long. Men who could never be right for you because I’m the one who’s right—I am your soul mate.

“Everything changes, but my love for you never will. I’ve fought myself on this too long and I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t feign that I don’t want to talk to you, to reach out and brush the hair out of your eyes, or wipe a tear off your cheek. I want to hold you, to tell you how much I love you, to kiss you without repercussions.” His voice grew softer, electricity sparking in the air. “I’ve loved you since I met you, Evangeline, and I will love you for all of eternity.”

He looked at me through hooded eyes. There wasn’t anything I wanted more in the world than to feel his hands caress my body and his lips press against mine. I could see my own expression reflected on Alex’s face and the car seemed to sizzle with our connection. He slowly moved his eyes from mine so he could drive, but my gaze lingered on his profile, my thoughts focused on the things I wanted from him. I placed my hands in my lap and sighed in frustration.

Alex turned into the driveway of my house. He stopped the car as Emil pulled in behind us. Alex didn’t seem any less frustrated than me as he glanced over to gage my mood. He was determined, as if he’d made a decision. “I can’t do the things I want to yet, Evie. But I will. Somehow, I’ll figure out a way around this so we can be together.”