Essentially Human (14 page)

“I sleep fine.” She did take a step toward him, eyes at the door. “I want to take a walk.”

“Nope. You’re going to talk to me, then we’ll take a walk together.” He crossed his arms, and leaned against the wall, waiting to see what she’d do.

Ria swayed for a moment, then took a deep breath and let it out. She sagged, took two steps to the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress. Slowly, she pushed herself up to the headboard and drew her knees tight, wrapping arms around her shins. The pose made her look vulnerable and terribly sad. She set her head down, gazing at the curtained window.

“I didn’t think I was mad. It was so long ago.”

“What happened?”

She spoke as if by rote, “He had a week long fling with another woman and fathered a baby. He didn’t know about his son, but she came to me years after he’d died, asking for help when her son was sick and there was no money for treatment. Looked just like Phil…”

“So, he had an affair.”

She considered the word. “Not really. He had a fling. A one weekend thing when I was away at a convention and he was out of town for work.” Her eyes closed. “Wasn’t fair…”

He stepped away from the door, wanting to understand. “Of course it wasn’t fair. He broke your wedding vows…”

Her head lifted and she peered at him. Her tone of voice surprised him. Almost caustic. “So what? I didn’t care about the vows. Just words! It wasn’t that.”

Sam took a moment to digest her words before continuing. “Was it the baby? He gave her a baby and not you?”

“Fuck, no.”

That was a first, a curse word, but not much heat behind it. “Then what was it?”

Her eyes met his. “When I found out he had a son, I was happy for him. He was a good man. She’d married and her husband adopted the boy, they had two other kids. She didn’t want to come to me, but he needed an expensive therapy and without it, he’d die.” She swallowed before continuing. “I had a lab check his DNA, but I knew before the results and set up a trust fund for the boy. Put all of Phillip’s estate in it. I didn’t need it.”

He sat on the bed, studying her. “It wasn’t the affair, it wasn’t the baby.” When she ranted at him, in her sleep, she used words denoting resentment that he hadn’t shared something. That it wasn’t fair. What words would unlock the secret she was keeping?

“No.”

“
What
didn’t he share and why was it unfair to you?”

Her breathing sped up, her face flushed. Then she slowly let her legs down straight and set her hands calmly on her lap. A blank expression settled on her face and she spoke with the calm he remembered when he first woke in her room.

“I wanted an open marriage. We were both so inexperienced, sexually, when we met and despite my urging to experiment, it never improved. I bought books, we watched movies, we talked. He promised to try harder, look for ways to liven things up. But he’d forget, slide back into old habits. I gave up trying. I read and wrote of couples who had active, stimulating sex, but all my words came from what I imagined. I reconciled to my life and my marriage as…dull.”

In the pause, he considered the era she’d lived in before asking another question. “He…”

She interrupted him, “He wouldn’t consider finding help from experts. He wasn’t willing to pay professional sex therapists, or even pay to watch someone demonstrate other methods, positions… I never understood. He didn’t seem a prude. He liked watching pornography.”

“He refused the idea of affairs, and then he had one.”

“Yes. After I found out, I tried to remember if things got better afterward. If he learned anything from fucking another woman. Nothing came to mind. It was as if it never happened.”

“Did he seem extra attentive?”

“No. Nothing changed.” For just a moment, the façade cracked. Then it fell back into place. “I thought taking other partners might improve our sex life. It didn’t.”

“His taking another lover. One lover, didn’t. Are you certain it was the only one?”

“No. I’m not.” Her voice rose and her leg twitched. One deep breath saw those reactive signs disappear.

“Do you think you were wrong, that nothing would have changed things?”

He chin lifted. “I’ll never know, will I?”

How did
sharing
come into this? He shifted on the bed, to face her more fully. “Did you ever take other lovers?”

“No.”

“But you wanted to.”

She didn’t answer, but she looked away from him.

“Did you ever tell him you wanted another man?”

“No. He was always afraid of me being attracted to other men. He…” She pulled her legs to one side, curling them to her right, angling herself toward the dark of the back of the room. He shifted to keep her face in full view.

“He…what?”

“Once I told him I wouldn’t mind if he slept with his female friend. He said it wouldn’t be fair, what if she grew dependent on him, emotionally.”

“He was a thoughtful man…”

“Of others, yes.”

“Not of you?”

“He cared more for his…he was insecure. I think…I don’t know.” She appeared to struggle at finding words to express herself.

“What angered you more, his having the affair or his not telling you?”

“Not telling me.” That answer was so fast he knew he’d struck something solid.

“Because…if he’d told you, you would have…”

She pushed off the bed, heading for the door. It caught him by surprise, but he managed to grab hold of her before she could turn the doorknob.

“I need to walk. To breathe… Don’t make me say it!”

“No, tell me. He didn’t share his experience, it wasn’t fair because if he had…?”

She backed away from him and spun to stare at the small mirror mounted on the wall. Her right hand reached up to touch the glass. “I remember…so angry. I was too old, he cheated me… No one wanted me now. If I’d known…before, when men wanted me…I could have…”

A single tear ran down her face. She tried to touch it in the mirror. “I’m so selfish. I didn’t…I kept my word. I didn’t want to. But I did. And then…he should have told me! Given me a chance! It might have made a difference!”

Her legs folded and she went to the floor, bent over, shuddering.

Sam blew out his breath and cautiously knelt behind her. He set a hand on her shoulder. “You can’t know what would have been different, if anything.”

“Yes. I do. I know I would have taken other men to my bed. I wanted to. I had so many opportunities. I was a successful author. I went on book tours, I had fans. Even men read my books!” Her body shook, so tense he could feel the tendons at her back popping. “He…cheated me of that. Because he didn’t share. And I was so angry at him! Why didn’t he tell me?”

She turned her face and he was surprised to see no tears, just confusion.

“I didn’t know him. But I can guess. He knew you’d do exactly what you just told me and he feared he’d lose you. You’d discover you were right, sex could be much better and that would be it for your marriage. He was scared, Ria.”

“I just wanted things to be better…” Her eyes drifted closed and again, he saw the human reaction melting out of her.

“Feel it. It’s all right to feel it. Maybe you’ll stop dreaming it now.”

“I wanted…so much more. I wanted to cheat on him. Doesn’t that make me despicable? That I’m not angry for his cheating, but because I didn’t?” Her voice was flat, no inflection. But somewhere, inside her, she waited for his opinion. He better get this right.

He slid across the thin carpet until he was directly in front of her. Taking her hands, he held them and waited for her eyes to open.

“No, Ria. It just meant you’re human.”

She blinked. Her mouth opened and tears flooded her eyes. Close, so close. Her answer was so faint. “I was.” Her head bowed and she fell to one side, the reaction from decades of dodging volatile emotions won and she fell asleep.

He leaned back and considered what he’d learned. Her morals were flexible but she kept to her word, even when she desperately wanted to break it. Did she scoff at the idea of wedding vows before she discovered his infidelity, or only after?

He’d like to look more at the archives regarding her and read a few of her bestsellers. But not right now. He needed to shower and change his clothing. Pulling a blanket off of the bed, he settled it around Ria. Hopefully, he’d be able to wake her after an hour. Leaving her alone in the cheap hotel wasn’t an option and he needed to check in with his team. There was an internet café a few miles down the road.

The shower helped him to clear his head and analyze her admission. Not angry about the affair, but because he wouldn’t share it with her. She must have been like a warmed up race horse, just waiting for that gate to open. Phillip didn’t open it and she wouldn’t push it or find another way. What a stubborn and loyal woman. But the resentment built and discovering he’d taken what her word kept her from taking…that was a bitter pill to swallow.

The lukewarm water ran down his shaggy hair and he considered when she’d discovered the truth. Too old? Not attractive? He’d seen the video of her and that was far from the truth. Fifty years ago, when the level of promiscuity was so high, she could have found men willing…no, men who
wanted
her. Perhaps that was the difficulty. She wanted more than willing, she wanted to be desired and didn’t believe herself desirable.

He sighed, uncertain how to treat this insecurity. For one, she wasn’t in her seventies anymore. And hell, she was desirable. His body knew it. Sleeping tucked up against her every night proved torture. He needed a better night’s sleep! If he touched her at this point, she’d likely assume it was pity. He’d need to tread this path carefully.

One last rinse of this increasingly long hair and he stepped from the water. The towels were thin, but clean and it felt good to have the last few days of roughing it in the car gone. The pants went on loosely, he needed to eat more or they were going to start falling off. With the towel over his head, hands rubbing at the wet hair, he left the bathroom.

A quick glance around the room saw his heart drop. The blanket he’d spread on her was neatly folded on the bed, and she was gone.

“Hell!” He threw on a shirt and shoes, grabbed his jacket and paused to examine the room. Her small bag was gone, but not the one with her clothing. She’d taken her money and identification. The folded blanket showed she’d been moving deliberately, not rushed. When they’d pulled into the hotel, she’d commented on the drive-in two blocks away, wondering if they had ice cream…

He slipped into his shoes, made sure nothing remained in the room to identify them, and went after her. Entering the small diner, he inhaled deeply. Incredible smells. His stomach growled loudly as he scanned the people at the bar. And there she was, bent over a bowl of some melting concoction. He’d need to sit her down and get some protein into her.

The hair that had been clipped so short before they left the Aleena had grown out quite a bit. He thought that would slow down when they were on land, but evidently not. She might need another trim soon, to keep her description inaccurate.

“I wish you’d waited for me.” He spoke softly as he took the stool next to her.

“I was hungry. And I know how to order food.”

“That isn’t food, that is desert. Come on, let’s take a booth and get something more than sugar and fat.”

“I like sugar and fat.” She licked her spoon and turned to him. A dribble of chocolate sauce marred her chin and he automatically reached up and wiped it away with his thumb. Then licked his thumb clean. She watched him, some assessment flickered across her eyes.

He wasn’t flirting with her. He couldn’t do that. She was his patient right now. He looked away, at the ice cream treat. “It’s good, I’ll get one. After a meal.” They took a booth, her bringing the sundae with her. The table had its own tablet to order with. Sam examined the menu and selected a large breakfast platter for himself. “You want breakfast or something different?”

“Fried chicken?”

He scanned the list. “They have a chicken fried steak breakfast. With gravy and biscuits.”

“Hash browns?

He shook his head and placed the order. “You’ll be satisfied.”

“Maybe I should have asked for a waffle…” She set the empty spoon back in the now scraped clean bowl.

“Ria, you don’t have to keep making up for all the flavors you missed. After six weeks haven’t you found anything you prefer?”

“I like trying out different things. I’m not sure but I think my tastes have changed.” She glanced down at herself, “I know I used to put on weight easily. I assume something changed.  And I regularly have ice cream.”

He’d noticed that himself. She consumed a great deal of high calorie food whenever they stopped and her body hadn’t changed. He was losing weight and eating no different than his past. Something about the weeks on the ship and exposure to the Aleena had affected him also. The hair growth certainly illustrated that and he obviously needed to eat more. With that in mind, he decided he’d have more than one desert.

Ria concentrated on the food. When she ate, her senses expanded in ways she didn’t remember. Everything was so vivid and explosive. The multiple dimensions of chocolate enthralled her. Salty items caused her mouth to water before she’d taken one bite. One difference involved hot and spicy foods. Her tolerance had changed and she took care with how much salsa and sauce she used the few times they ate Mexican or Chinese food.