Essence of Time (31 page)

They walked toward her, little girls between them, all hand-in-hand and cozy.
Could this be the answer? Or would it only lead to more questions?
She sucked in a breath as Sara put an arm around her shoulders, startling her. “Okay sister. You sure you want to go this route with these boys?”

Lila was still dumbstruck by the sight of the men, together. Her brain spun with erotic visions, so vivid she had to look away from them to dispel the tangle of arms, legs, lips and hands that tumbled through her brain. “I’m, um, not sure.” She managed to croak out to her friend.

“Well, don’t jump into it because they want it. Be sure about it first.”

Lila nodded, face flushed with anticipation and embarrassment as she followed behind the foursome of the two men and little girls. Wondering, not for the last time, which one of them was better looking.

Rob did his best during their lunch to put everyone at ease, but Lila kept stealing glances at Blake, wondering why he seemed so damn tense.  They all had beer with their lunch, and the little girls sat at their own table nearby, acting grown up.  The longer they sat and chatted about everything but the reason they were here together, the more tension Lila got from Sara’s brother.

At one point Blake shoved back from the table, startling everyone. Rob looked up into his lover’s eyes, placing a hand on his arm. “You okay?” Lila watched a brief give and take between them in a glance as a thrill went down her spine.  Rob’s natural, soothing presence complemented the other man’s intensity well. She had to pick up her glass and take a sip to cover the blush that crept up her face. This was like a weird fantasy somehow. When Sara had first mentioned the whole scenario, Lila had surprised herself by jumping with eager questions, and it wasn’t just about the money they would pay.

She yearned to be needed. Madison was an independent soul, loved her no doubt, but Lila ached to carry and hold a baby. Of course, the attorney Sara had found to represent her interests in the whole thing kept reminding her she would have nothing really, once the child was born, other than an extra thirty thousand dollars in her bank account. Money she sorely needed. 

Blake nodded, but walked away presumably to the restrooms. Lila patted her lips with the napkin and stood. The urge to comfort the man overwhelmed her somehow. Rob smiled his approval as she walked by but she kept her eyes on the retreating back of the shorter, more boyish-looking man. Her heart pounded as she narrowed the distance between them. He turned at the last minute, his hand on the men’s room door, as if he knew she’d been following him. His jaw clenched; his deep green eyes ablaze with frustration. She stepped back, suddenly unsure.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, starting to shoulder his way in to the bathroom.  With a bravery she never knew she possessed, she grabbed his arm and entered ahead of him, pulling him behind her.  Bewilderment replaced the tension across his brow. She flipped on the light, shut the door, and pressed him against it, keeping her hands on the amazing swell of his strong biceps.

“I’m not here to take him from you.” Her lips were close to his and the urge to kiss him nearly made her faint. She kept talking. “I want to help you guys. That’s all. Okay?” Blake looked up at the ceiling. She let him a minute, then tugged his chin down so he faced her again. Her whole body zinged with an erotic energy she had not felt in years.

“What makes you want to do something like this?” His deep, raspy voice asked a simple question, but she didn’t know where to start.

“I was married. To a guy who I let fuck me in the parking lot of the bar where I worked, thinking he would somehow rescue me.” She sucked in a breath, held onto his arms and continued, needing him to know the truth about her. “And he did, for a time. We were happy for about a year. Until he figured out I wasn’t suitable enough to parade around with his wealthy friends. I loved being pregnant. I love my child. But he was an ass.”

She stepped away from him, her breathing harsh in her ears. “I’m one step up from trailer park trash, I suppose. So I don’t blame you if you….”

Blake frowned, swallowed hard, cupped the back of her neck and covered her lips with his. A small noise escaped her throat as he flipped them around so she leaned against the door, shoving his tongue into her mouth as she met him more than halfway.

She plunged her hands into his thick hair, molded her body against his as he kissed her with an intensity she felt all the way to her bones. He broke from her lips, kissed his way down her neck, yanked up her shirt to get at her breasts. She squirmed, feeling a little sweaty but when she realized he didn’t care she let him suck her nipple in to his mouth.  “Dear god,” he groaned around her flesh. “You are … perfect.” She smiled up at the ceiling, and then pulled his face up to hers again.

“How soon can we start?” Blake grinned and her heart nearly sailed out of her chest at the sight of his perfect, boyish face, those amazing emerald eyes. He slid his hand down, and she shifted so he had access down her shorts. He caressed her long-neglected flesh with fingers and lips, rubbing the hard nub of her clit then sliding a finger inside her body quickly, capturing her moans of pleasure in his mouth and adding his own even though she had yet to touch more than his face, hair and shoulders. The unmistakable bulge of his desire heated her thigh. “Better stop,” she gasped, still whirling from the orgasm. “Or I’m gonna jump you in here. I thought this was a collaborative thing.”

They emerged a few minutes later, and she ducked into the ladies' room to splash some water on her face. They’d been gone long enough to make it a bit awkward. She observed herself a few minutes as water dripped from the ends of her hair that had escaped the ponytail.
Get a hold of yourself Lila. This is not love. This is sex. Sex with a goal and a purpose. And a price.
But, she sensed a slow slide into an emotional pit, one she’d spend the next few months scrabbling out of, but willing to go there, if it meant quality time with those two men.

Rob kept up the small talk, but as time went by and Blake and Lila stayed gone, he felt his irritation morph into anger. Where the hell were they? He forced himself to concentrate on Sara as she gamely covered, but after a while they sat, quiet, the obvious absence of the other two a void neither of them was willing to breach. Finally, Blake flopped into his chair, hair a little messy, Rob noted coldly, color high in a way he recognized instantly.

“Everything okay,” he asked, keeping the ugly green monster lurking around his vision out of his voice, or so he thought. Blake gave him a significant look.

“Yes. It’s perfect.” Sara glared at him, then over at Rob.

“Okay you two. You’d better just have it out now. She’s willing. Her attorney has a contract for you to sign. You shouldn’t, ah, do… you know, anything until your attorney reads it and you guys agree to terms and conditions.”

Rob threw his napkin down, pushed back from the table. “I’m not so sure now. Maybe she isn’t the right one. Hell,” he ran a hand through his hair, his heart pounding from a full-on jealous moment, but whom he was jealous of was another question. “Maybe this isn’t a good idea at all.” Blake sipped, stayed quiet. Rob’s ears buzzed with a rare bout of temper. “Well?” He clutched the edge of the table. Sara’s eyes darted from her brother to him and back again.

Blake stood, tossed some money on the table without looking at his sister. “Let’s go.”

Chapter Two

“You do realize that you are making an ass of yourself, right?” Rob’s voice cut through the thick tension between. Blake kept his eyes on the road, not willing to rise to the bait. So many emotions swirled through him he couldn’t put his finger on one and pin it down much less identify what he’d done that made him an ass.

He pulled into their driveway and sat, trying like hell to stay calm. “I think this whole thing is a mistake.” He finally spoke, turning the key off but staying put. He gripped the wheel, unwilling to look at Rob. “We, you and me, we will not share well.”

Rob’s harsh laughter startled him. “Really? Funny, seems like you were all about sharing her earlier. Especially after you guys spent about thirty minutes in the bathroom. … you know, ‘talking,’" he hooked his fingers into quote marks. “Jesus.” He spit out, looking away from Blake. “I mean, I get it. She’s hot and all and obviously willing. But I… I don’t know.”

The defeat in Rob’s voice made Blake’s chest ache. He reached out to touch his lover’s face but Rob jerked away.  He kept his voice low, even, realizing that it was his turn to make the mature decision. He’d spent many years letting Rob take care of him. The tables were about to turn. Blake took a breath and looked over at the man he loved. “I don’t want this enough for it to hurt you. I mean it.”

“Bullshit,” Rob muttered and looked at the roof of the truck, then got out without another word. Blake watched him walk toward the house, shoulders slumped hands in his pockets. Cursing his own selfishness and the moment he’d decided that kissing Lila today was a good idea, he followed Rob up the steps to the large front porch.  At the last minute Rob turned and faced him, his eyes dark with anger. “Look, I understand what’s happening. I’m okay with it. I’m not going to be around much longer and you…”

A lick of raw fury lit Blake’s brain. He grabbed Rob’s arm, shoved him back against the door. Putting his face mere centimeters from the other man’s equally angry one, he growled. “Can the fucking pity party will you? This isn’t about replacing you or whatever the hell it is you’re pissed about. As a matter of fact, it isn’t about you at all for a change. It’s not about me either. It’s about us, our future, and our happiness as a family.”

Rob shoved him back so hard he stumbled. They stood and stared at each other for a split second. “You know what, you have no idea what I’m going through. Trying to placate me with concepts of our family is not helping.”

Blake’s face burned, his chest was so tight he could barely breathe. Anger made him speak before he thought. “Well it’s the only thing getting me through it. So fuck you and your defeatist, shitty attitude.”

Rob’s eyes narrowed, his face set in hard lines Blake knew well. He was shutting down, as usual. He kept talking, willing to deal with the fallout later. “That’s right, it’s shitty. Just like you waiting years to even tell me you were sick. Or how the whole of fucking Ann Arbor knew about poor Rob and his cancer before I did. And I’m the one you claim to love.”

He watched Rob’s face, realized he was being a dick but unable to stop. He’d danced around this long enough. He took a step closer to him, head pounding with stress. The urge to grab the man, hold him close, apologize and promise to be more supportive—all the things he’d been doing for the last however many months - nearly overwhelmed him. Nearly. He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned away but kept talking. “I don’t begrudge you your friendships even with that colossal ass, Gordon. But, I feel like even he knows more about you that I do. I mean, you guys have had a few years to adjust to the fact that you are…that you have…shit.” Blake mind would not settle. He put his hands on the thick post at the corner of the porch. He wished Rob would approach him, touch him, take some of this incredible burden off his shoulders. He turned, and tried to keep the tremor out of his voice. “I’m sorry you’re sick, Rob. I love you. And the very real concept that you may die soon makes me even more sleepless than I already am. So, as much as I want a family with you, we won’t do this thing with Lila unless you are one hundred percent bought in. Period.”

Rob sighed and leaned back. He crossed his arms and stared hard at Blake before speaking. “I already feel left out.” The matter of fact way he spoke these gut-wrenching words made Blake gasp.  “I can’t stand the thought of you with her without me. You and her, with our child, without me. The goddamned fact of the matter is, Blake, that’s exactly what will happen. You know it and I know it, and me blowing sunshine and roses up everybody’s ass with a good attitude doesn’t change it.” He held up a hand, stopping Blake from bridging the few feet between them. “I want this for you because I love you. I want you to be happy. Nothing makes me feel better than when you are happy. Trust me when I say, this is not for me. None of it.” He jerked open the door and stomped inside leaving Blake dry-mouthed with dismay.

Rob’s entire body ached. The last round of chemo, while not nearly as rough as it had been in his life, made him feel like ants were crawling under his skin. He wanted nothing more than to flop down on the couch and sleep, preferably with his head on Blake’s lap. This whole thing, his attempt to find Blake some kind of happiness so he could be sick in peace, had imploded.

He leaned on the sink, gulping down water that tasted like copper, thanks to the poison still lurking in his system. He berated himself for the millionth time. It wasn’t enough that he’d let go, allowing himself to feel and love, and to be loved back. After all the years of running, first to Christine, then from René and Kyle, he had finally found Blake. The time and energy he spent convincing the man to trust him, and now, he was doing exactly what he swore he would never do again. He was going to hurt someone because his miserable excuse for a body would not stop ganging up on him.

“Fuck!” He slammed the glass down on the counter, knowing full well it would shatter. The satisfaction of the mess did nothing to improve his mood, low-level headache or bone-deep exhaustion. He’d been affected by Lila too. He knew it and could admit that part of his issue today was a mere matter of testosterone-induced jealousy when he figured out what Blake had been doing with her. Blake, ever the caretaker, had had his radar pinged by yet another damsel in distress.

A hand settled on his shoulder but he shrugged it off, retrieving a broom and dustpan from the closet. There were too many harsh words clogging his throat and he really didn’t want to fight. The recent memory of Blake’s dazed face, slightly messy hair and Lila’s blush when they returned to the table made his ears burn again. Blake tried to help with the cleanup. “Don’t.” He barked. “Just, leave me alone. All right?”