Espresso Tales (20 page)

53. Lard O'Connor

Bertie sprang back guiltily from the green Mercedes-Benz. He had not so much as touched the glittering car, but the voice from behind him, more of a growl really, would have been enough to frighten anybody, let alone a six-year-old boy on his first trip to Glasgow.

Stuart was taken aback, too, by the accusatory tone of the voice. “My son hasn't done anything,” he said. “We were just looking.”

The man who had appeared at the door of the house had strode down the path and was now facing Stuart, staring at him belligerently. “Looking for what?” he asked. “Yous never seen a Merc before, eh?”

“I've seen one,” said Bertie brightly. “Mrs Macdonald, who lives at the top of the stair, has got a custard-coloured one. She offered to take me for a ride in it.”

The man looked down at Bertie. “Whit you talking aboot, son?”

“He's just saying…” began Stuart.

“Shut your gob, Jim,” said the man. “Whit's this aboot custard?”

“Oh really!” said Stuart in exasperation. “This is quite ridiculous. Come, Bertie, let's go.”

The man suddenly leaned forward and grabbed Stuart by the arm. “Not so fast, pal. You're coming in to have a word with Mr O'Connor. He disnae like people hanging aboot his street. You can come in and explain yourself to the man hissel.”

The man's grip on Stuart's arm was too powerful to resist, and Stuart found himself being frog-marched up the garden path, followed by an anxious Bertie, his duffel coat flapping about his crushed-strawberry dungarees. Propelled by his captor, Stuart found himself in a sparsely-furnished hallway. “Through there,” said the man, nodding in the direction of a half-open door. “Mr O'Connor will see you now.”

Stuart glared at the man, but decided that the situation was too fragile for him to do anything but comply. He was concerned for the safety of Bertie, who was standing at his side, and he thought that the best thing to do would be to speak to this Mr O'Connor, whoever he was, and explain that they had had no intentions in relation to his car. Perhaps they had experienced vandalism in the past and had, quite unjustifiably, thought that he and Bertie were vandals.

They entered a large living room. The floor was covered with a tartan carpet and the walls were papered with red wallpaper. The room was dominated by a large television set, which was displaying a football game, but with the sound turned down. On a chair in front of the television set was an extremely overweight man, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to reveal fleshy, tattooed forearms. As they entered the room, this man half turned round, glanced at them, and then flicked the remote controls of the television set. The football match died in a fading of light.

“So,” said the fat man. “So you've been looking at my motor. You fancy it?”

“Not at all,” said Stuart. “We had no designs on it at all.”

The man smiled. “I should introduce myself,” he said, glancing at Bertie briefly and then returning his gaze to Stuart. “I'm Aloysius O'Connor. But you may call me Lard O'Connor. Everybody else does, don't they, Gerry?”

Gerry, the man who had brought Stuart into the room, nodded. “Aye, they do, Lard. Nae respect these days. People have nae respect.”

Lard O'Connor raised an eyebrow. Turning to Bertie, he said: “And you, young man. What's your name?”

“I'm called Bertie,” said Bertie. “Bertie Pollock. I live in Edinburgh and I go to the Steiner School. And this is my daddy. We live in Scotland Street. Do you know where that is, Mr O'Connor?”

“Could do,” said Lard. “Is that a nice street?”

“It's very nice,” said Bertie. “It's not far from where Mr Compton Mackenzie used to live. He wrote books, you know.”

Lard smiled. “You don't say? Compton Mackenzie?”

“Yes,” said Bertie. “He wrote a book called
Whisky Galore
about some people who find a lot of whisky on the beach.”

“That sounds like a good story,” said Lard. He turned to Gerry. “You hear that, Gerry? Some people find whisky on the beach. Fallen aff a ferry mebbe!”

Gerry laughed politely. Lard then turned to Bertie again. “I must say I like your style, young man. I like a wean who speaks clearly and shows some respect. I like that.” He paused, and looked inquisitively at Stuart. “So what are you doing in these parts? Why have you come all the way from, where is it, Scotland Street, all the way over here? You sightseeing?”

“I left my car here,” said Stuart quickly. “I left it some time ago and now it seems to be gone.”

“Oh,” said Lard. “Walked?”

“So it would seem,” said Stuart dryly.

“Well, well,” said Lard, stroking the side of his chair. “Can you tell me what this motor of yours looked like? Model and all the rest. And the registration number.”

Stuart told him, and Lard signalled to Gerry, who wrote it down laboriously in a small notebook which he had picked up from the top of a display cabinet.

“Gerry,” said Lard. “You go and make inquiries about this matter and see what you can come up with. Know what I mean?” He turned towards Bertie. “And you, young man, how about a game of cards while we're waiting for Gerry? You and your dad might like a game of cards. I'm very partial to a game of cards myself, you know. But I don't always have company of the right intellectual level, know what I mean?” He nodded in the direction of Gerry, who was now leaving the room. “Good man, Gerry,” Lard went on. “But not exactly one of your Edinburgh intellectuals.”

“I like playing cards,” said Bertie. “What game would you like to play, Mr O'Connor?”

They decided on rummy, and Lard rose slowly from his chair to fetch a pack of cards from a drawer.

“You're very big, Mr O'Connor,” said Bertie brightly, not seeing a frantic sign from his father. “Do you eat deep-fried Mars bars like other people in Glasgow?”

Lard stopped in his tracks. Without turning, he said: “Deep-fried Mars bars?”

Stuart looked frantically about the room. It would be possible to make a run for it now, he thought. Lard would be unable to run after them, with that bulk of his, but he had heard sounds out in the hall and he had assumed that there were other men, apart from Gerry, in the house. These gangsters rarely had just one side-kick, he remembered.

Then Lard spoke again. “Oh jings!” he said. “What I wouldn't do for one of those right now!”

54. A Game of Cards and a Cultural Trip

It was an interesting game of cards. Lard had started off making every concession to Bertie's age, offering friendly advice on tactics and making one or two deliberate mistakes in order to give Bertie an advantage. But it soon became apparent that such gestures were entirely misplaced as Bertie succeeded in playing even his more mediocre hands with consummate skill. Lard had suggested playing for money, a proposition to which Stuart had agreed only because he felt that it would be impolitic to antagonise their host. He had given Bertie five pounds to start him off and had explained that that would be his limit. But after an hour's play, Bertie had won sixty-two pounds from Lard O'Connor and was now sitting behind a high pile of one-pound and two-pound coins.

“I'll give it back to you, Mr O'Connor,” Bertie said generously. “I don't want to take all your money.”

Lard O'Connor shook his head. “Not a chance, Bertie,” he said. “You won that fair and square. Just as I earned that money fair and square in the first place.”

Stuart threw Lard a glance, and then looked away again quickly.

“What do you do for a living, Mr O'Connor?” Bertie asked politely as he dealt a fresh hand of cards.

“I'm a businessman,” said Lard. “I have a business. But it's pretty difficult for us small businessmen under this government, you know. So I vote for the Liberal Democrats. That's what I do. That Ming Campbell. He's the man. And David Steel, too.”

“I'm sure they're very glad of your support,” said Stuart dryly.

“Aye, I'm sure they are,” agreed Lard.

The game of cards continued for a further half hour, and then Gerry returned. He stood at the door, smiling broadly. “Mission accomplished, Lard,” he said.

Lard looked round and stared at his assistant. “You found the car?”

Gerry nodded. “I did. It had been removed withoot authority, as we say. Some boys had been using it for their own purposes. So I spoke to them aboot it and explained this is not the way tae treat an Edinburgh car.”

Lard smiled. “And they agreed with you, Gerry?”

“They took a bit of persuading, boss,” said Gerry. “You know how ill-mannered some of these boys can be. Nae manners.”

Lard sighed. “Yes,” he said. “You're right there, so you are. But the important thing is that you've got your car back, Stewie. How about that then?”

Stuart reached forward and shook Lard's hand enthusiastically. “You've been very kind, Mr O'Connor,” he said. “I really am very indebted to you.”

Lard shrugged off the thanks. “It was nothing,” he said. “I'm only sorry that youses were inconvenienced. It gives people the wrong impression of Glasgow when they come over here and their car is taken aff them. Very unfriendly.”

“Well,” said Stuart, looking at his watch. “No harm done. Now that we have our car back we can get back to Edinburgh. You've been very kind to us, Mr O'Connor.”

Lard made an expansive gesture with his right hand. “No bother. No bother at all.” He paused. “But it would be a pity if you were to rush off so quickly. Young Bertie here has hardly had the chance to see Glasgow, have you, Bertie? There's plenty of time to get back to Edinburgh later on, especially as you now have your car back. A leisurely drive at your own convenience.”

Stuart began to explain that they really should get back as Bertie had a saxophone lesson, but was cut short by Lard.

“What do you think, Bertie?” asked Lard. “What would you like to see while you're over here?”

Bertie was ready with an answer. He had decided that he liked Glasgow and that there was a great deal that he wished to see. He would like to go to a fish and chip shop and get a…No, he could never do that. His mother would be sure to hear about it and there would be a terrible row. And so he said: “The Burrell Gallery, Mr O'Connor.” And then he added: “If that's convenient to you.”

Lard frowned and looked at Gerry. “You know where that is, Gerry? The Burrell? You heard of it?”

Gerry shook his head. “I've got a map, boss. I can get you there.”

“In that case we should be on our way,” said Lard. “We can go in my motor, and then you can pick yours up when we finish and you can drive back to Edinburgh. How about that, Stewie?”

Stuart realised that he had little option but to agree. But a visit to the Burrell was a good idea, anyway, as it would enable him to say to Irene that they had spent their time in Glasgow well. He could clearly not tell her that he and Bertie had played cards, for money, with a Glasgow gangster, but he could tell her that they had gone to the Burrell with two charming Glaswegians who had helped them locate the car.

They set off in Lard O'Connor's green Mercedes-Benz. Gerry drove, with Stuart beside him in the front passenger seat, while Bertie sat in the back with Lard.

“It's a very nice car, Mr O'Connor,” said Bertie, running his hands over the soft leather of the seats.

“It is that,” said Lard. “You work hard, Bertie, just like me, and one day you'll be able to get yourself one of these.”

“But what does your business actually do, Mr O'Connor?” asked Bertie.

“Distribution,” said Lard. “We circulate things We make sure that things don't just stay in one place forever. We encourage changes of ownership.”

“What things?” asked Bertie.

“Bertie,” interrupted Stuart from the front seat. “Don't keep asking Mr O'Connor questions. He's very busy thinking. Leave him be.”

They travelled on in silence. Then Bertie said: “Mr O'Connor, have you heard of Rangers Football Club?”

Lard O'Connor smiled. “I've heard of them. Aye, I've heard of them.”

Bertie looked out of the window. There was much about Glasgow that he still had to find out. “Everybody says that they're very good,” he said. “They say that they're the best football team in the country.”

“I'm not so sure about that,” said Lard, catching Gerry's eye in the rear mirror. “There's a team called Celtic. Have you heard of them?”

“Yes,” said Bertie. “But I've heard they're not so good.”

Lard O'Connor said nothing. Then he began to smile. “You know, Bertie, you're a clever wee boy. Very good sense of humour. Very good. You and I have got a brilliant future together–I can tell.” Then he tapped Stuart on the shoulder. “What do you think, Stewie? What say you that we get together a bit more regularly. You. Me. Bertie. What do you think?”

55. At the Burrell

They drew into the grounds of Pollok House, and drove up the drive towards the building that housed the Burrell Collection. Lard O'Connor, sitting in the back of his green Mercedes-Benz, with Bertie at his side, was impressed by the sylvan setting.

“Crivvens!” he exclaimed. “Who would have guessed that we had this in Glasgow! Right under our noses! You'd think we were in Edinburgh, wouldn't you?”

“You have some fine museums over here,” said Stuart. “Very fine.”

Lard listened carefully. “Fine museums, you say, Stewie? Well, that's good to hear.”

Gerry parked the car and they walked over to the entrance to the Burrell. Guidebooks were bought–Stuart insisted on paying, as a thank-you for the finding of his car–and Lard and Gerry graciously accepted. Then they made their way into the first of the exhibition halls. There, hung on a wall, was a giant Flemish tapestry depicting a hunting scene, complete with dogs.

“Jeez,” said Lard. “Look at those dugs on that carpet.”

“It's a tapestry, actually,” said Stuart.

Lard looked at him. “That's what I said,” he muttered. “You trying to show me up, Stewie?”

Stuart paled. “Certainly not. I was just…”

“Because some people think,” Lard continued, “that just because you haven't had much formal education, then you don't know anything. You wouldn't be one of those, would you, Stewie?”

“Of course not,” said Stuart. “There are a lot of educated people who know very little about the world.”

“You hear that, Gerry?” asked Lard. “Stewie here says that there lots of folk in Edinburgh who don't know anything about anything. That's what he said.”

Stuart laughed. “I wouldn't go that far,” he said.

“Well, I would,” said Lard.

They moved on to look at a small series of bronze figures in a glass display case. Lard signalled to Gerry and the two of them bent down to look at the display. As they did so, Lard ran his fingers over the lock which prevented the glass doors from being opened. He threw an inquiring glance at Gerry, who smiled.

“Easy,” he said. “Dead easy.”

Lard nodded and straightened up. “A very interesting little collection of…of…” he said. “Very nice taste this Wally Burrell had. Shipping man, you said he was, Stewie?”

Stuart nodded. “He was a great collector,” he said. “He kept very good records of what he bought. And he searched all over the world for objects for his collection.”

Bertie was studying his guidebook closely, checking each object they saw against its entry. They moved into the Hutton Castle Drawing Room, the room which Burrell had used as his principal place of display and which had been re-created in the gallery. They stopped in front of a French stained-glass Annunciation scene. Lard nodded to Gerry and the two men crossed themselves quickly.

“I'm glad to see that Wally Burrell was a Celtic supporter,” said Lard.

Stuart smiled. “Sometimes the fact that one has a stained-glass representation of the Virgin does not necessarily mean…”

He tailed off, having intercepted a warning glance from Lard, who now moved over to a small window and appeared to be taking a close interest in the catch. “Bertie,” he called. “Come over here a wee minute.”

Bertie joined Lard at the window and looked outside. “This is a nice wee window, Bertie,” said Lard. “I wonder whether a boy your size, you even, would be able to squeeze through it? Not now, of course. Just wondering.”

Bertie studied the window. “I think so, Mr O'Connor,” he said.

Lard smiled. “That's good to know. Mebbe some time we could come in and have a look at this place in the evening when there are no crowds. It would be more fun that, don't you think? We could take a better look at Wally Burrell's things. What do you think, Bertie?”

“That would be very nice, Mr O'Connor,” said Bertie.

“Good,” said Lard. “But that's just between you and me. Understand?”

Bertie nodded, and the party then moved on. There was much more to see–great urns, Greek antiquities, paintings–all of it much appreciated by Lard and, although to a lesser extent, by Gerry.

“Do you think they have anything by your man Vettriano?” Lard asked at one point.

Stuart thought not. “Sir William Burrell died in 1958,” he said. “Jack Vettriano is our own contemporary.”

Lard fixed Stuart with a glare. “You trying to tell me something, Stewie?” he said. “You think I don't know all that?”

Stuart made a placatory remark and then looked at his watch. “I wonder if we shouldn't be getting back to Edinburgh now,” he said. “Bertie's mother will be wondering what's keeping us.”

“Well, we wouldn't want that, would we, Bertie?” said Lard. Bertie was silent. It was exactly what he wanted, but he thought it best not to say it to Lard. So they left the gallery and returned to the car. A short time later they were back outside Lard's house, where their own car, the shabby red Volvo, was ready to be driven back to Edinburgh. Farewells were said and telephone numbers exchanged. Then, waved to by Lard and Gerry, who stood at the gate to see them off, Bertie and Stuart drove back down the road, back in the direction of the motorway that would bring them home to Edinburgh.

“It feels great to be back in one's own car again,” said Stuart as they left the outskirts of Glasgow behind them.

“Yes,” said Bertie. “I wonder how Gerry managed to find our car so quickly.”

Stuart smiled. He would not disabuse Bertie of his touching faith in humanity. He would not spell it out to him that strong-arm tactics had undoubtedly been used to wrest their car back from the people who had stolen it. He would let him believe in the goodness of Gerry and Lard. But what a bunch of rogues!

“Daddy,” said Bertie suddenly. “This isn't our car.”

Stuart looked down at Bertie, who had been examining something on the door panel.

“Nonsense, Bertie,” he said. “I looked at the number plate.”

“Yes,” said Bertie. “But look at the door handles. Ours had round bits at the end. These are straight. And look at the radio. It's a different make.”

Stuart glanced quickly, fearfully, in the direction indicated by Bertie. Then he swallowed. “Don't tell Mummy, Bertie,” he said. “Please don't tell Mummy.”