Escape (Last Chance Series, Book 3.5) (3 page)

“It’s not about you.”

“The hell it isn’t,” he said, grabbing his shirt off the chair and pulling it on, his anger palpable.

“Seth.”  She pushed the tray aside, moving to intercept him.  “Why can’t we just keep things the way they are?  It works.  We’re happy.”

“Maybe you are.  But when I fall in love with a woman, I want to scream to the world that she’s mine.”

“
Mine
being the operative word,” Tracy said, fighting a surge of anger.  “I’m not a property you can acquire.”

“I never said that you were.  I love
you, goddamn it, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  Is that so wrong?”

Tracy felt as if she were drowning.  “No.  It’s lovely.  Except that it’s not what I want.  And I thought you were the one man who understood that.”

“So this is it?  You’re saying no?”

“I’m not saying no to you, Seth.”  She struggled to breathe, wishing to hell that she could turn back the clock.  “I’m saying no to marriage.  It isn’t the same.”

“It is to me.”  He finished buttoning his shirt and reached out to snag his jacket.  “So clearly, we’re not on the same page after all.”

“And what? You’re issuing an ultimatum? Either I marry you or it’s over?”  How could she have missed this?  She’d thought he understood.  Recognized her fears and accepted them.

“I guess I am.  Just because you’re afraid of commitment doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.  Or for that matter deserve it.  I love you, Tracy, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I’m not going to apologize for that.”

“I’m not asking you to apologize.  I just want things to stay the way they are.  We don’t need a piece of paper.”

“I do.  And I guess I thought you loved me enough to take the leap with me.”

“I just don’t understand why we need a leap at all.  Everything works the way it is.”

“No.”  He shook his head, the sadness in his eyes damning.  “It doesn’t.  When two people love each other—commitment is easy.  Or at least a risk worth taking.  And the fact that you can’t go there—well, let’s just say it’s telling.”  He blew out a breath, and she felt the power of his disappointment.

Just like her father.

Whatever it was she wanted was never good enough.  There was always a better path.  An accepted path.

Tears filled her eyes.  “So this is it?” her voice wavered, but she knew his decision was firm. 

Seth stood in the doorway to the bedroom, at once familiar and a stranger.  “Yes.  Either we move forward together or clearly this was never meant to be.”

A part of her was screaming that he was wrong, but she could see the determination in his eyes, and so she squared her shoulders, pushing the pain down deep inside.  “Then I guess this is goodbye.”

He nodded once then turned, swinging his tux jacket over his shoulder.  Tracy swallowed the tears, telling herself it was better to find out now.  But as the abandoned diamond glittered on the plate, she wished she’d been born somebody else.  A woman who wanted nothing more than to find the right man and be a wife.

But she’d never been that woman.  Not even for someone like Seth.  Her eyes fell to the rose petals.  Plain and simple, she wasn’t the marrying kind.  And even the most beautiful proposal couldn’t change that. 

“Give me another.”  Seth pushed the shot glass toward the burly bartender, nodding at the Irish whiskey sitting on the counter. 

The man lifted the bottle and filled the glass.  Seth downed it in one swallow and pushed it forward for another.  “Bad night?” the guy asked, as he poured again.

“Yeah, the worst.”

“Well, keep this up and you’re going to have one hell of a morning to go with it.”  It wasn’t a judgment, just a statement of fact.  And Seth nodded in agreement as the man moved off to serve a patron at the far end of the bar.

Seth blew out a breath, and ran a hand through his hair.  This wasn’t exactly the way he’d planned for the night to end.  He’d been so fucking sure of himself.  How the hell had he gotten it so wrong?  Despite what Tracy had said, they did fit.  The two of them belonged together, he was certain of it.   Not that his feelings mattered.  Tracy had certainly made that clear.

He blew out a breath, taking a sip of the whiskey as he replayed her words for the thousandth time.  The truth was that she
had
told him she didn’t want to get married. But he’d written it off as the kind of thing he would have said to a woman he hadn’t wanted to get serious with.  Hell, when she’d said it originally, he’d been relieved. 

But then he’d fallen in love with her.  And he’d believed that she’d fallen in love with him.  But obviously he’d gotten that one wrong.  He looked down at his phone, tempted to give his friend Harrison a call.

After all, Harrison had been the one to introduce the two of them.  But Harrison was an hour away.  At Sunderland.  Or maybe even farther afield if he was on the job.  Harrison currently worked for a black ops division of the CIA, but before that he’d been with an intergovernmental task force called Last Chance.  Best of the best sort of thing. And Seth had consulted with Harrison for one of their cases. 

The two of them had hit it off, and Harrison had called him in on several CIA operations as well.  Over the years the two of them had become friends.  And so it had only been natural that Harrison would have brought him and Tracy together.  She often consulted for both Last Chance and the CIA and besides, she and Harrison went way back.  

He could still see her that night at the party.  Dressed all in white, her dark hair piled high on her head.  He’d felt as if someone had slammed him in the gut.  Harrison had laughed and said it was fate.  Or a stomach virus.

Hell, he’d been going to ask Harrison to be his best man.

He drained the glass, glanced over at the bartender, who was still talking with the guy at the end of the bar.  With a shrug, he grabbed the bottle and filled the glass himself.  Desperate times and all that.

The funny thing about all of this was that he’d never thought he’d find a woman who would understand him the way Tracy did.  She understood his need to walk the line.  His commitment to making the world a better place.  She got it in a way no woman he’d ever been with had been capable of. 

And until that night at Harrison’s party, he’d been convinced that having it all was out of reach.  That he just wasn’t cut out for a long-term relationship.  But they’d stayed up most of the night talking.  And screwing.  He smiled at the memory.  But it had been more than that.  From the very beginning he’d felt a connection.  A kinship.  It was like he’d come home. 

Only clearly he’d been a fucking fool.  Whatever it was he’d felt, she hadn’t shared the emotion.  Or if she had, she was willing to throw it all away for the sake of maintaining her freedom. 

He took a sip, relishing the burst of heat as it slid down his throat.  How ironic was it that he’d finally fallen—and fallen hard—only to be rejected in the same way he’d rejected the women in his past who’d thought they could change him.  Turn him into a nine-to-five-picket-fence kind of guy.

Turns out karma
was
a bitch.

He looked at the phone again, wishing to hell Tracy would call.  Tell him she’d changed her mind.  But
he knew her well enough to know that no matter how much he wished it so, it wasn’t going to happen.  Tracy was the kind of woman who didn’t just close doors, she slammed them shut, and then drove in nails just to be sure they stayed that way.

He’d fucked up royally.  And there was no going back.

The bartender moved down to his end of the bar, picking up the bottle to top off the glass.  “On me,” he said as he poured.  “And whatever it was you did, I suggest you figure out how to make it right.”

“Not sure that’s possible,” Seth said. 

“That bad?”  Again there was no judgment.  Just the unconditional sympathy of a stranger.  Which at the moment was better than wallowing in his misery all alone. 

“Yeah.  I asked her to marry me.”

“And I take it the response wasn’t what you’d hoped for?” The guy leaned back against the counter, his expression quizzical.

“No.” Seth shook his head, his voice filled with bitterness.  “Turns out she meant it when she said she wasn’t the marrying kind.”

“Most men would see that as a bonus,” the bartender offered.

“Yeah, well, you haven’t met Tracy,” Seth sighed, taking another sip from his glass.

“Must be one hell of a woman.”

“An understatement, actually.”

“So what happened?  She just didn’t love you?”

“No.  She does.  At least I know she cares.  She just doesn’t want to marry me.”

“Maybe it isn’t you.  Maybe you were right the first time,” the bartender said.  “Maybe it is just the idea of marriage.  I mean, I can understand that.  It’s not like with a guy—when a woman gets married she loses her identity.”

“This isn’t 1950.”  Seth sat back crossing his arms over his chest.

“Yeah, but things aren’t nearly as liberated as we’d all like to pretend.  If she’s already got a life then maybe she’s just afraid of losing it.”

“I don’t know, maybe you’re right.  But what difference does it make?  The outcome is still the same.  She said no.”

“And you walked out, right?”

“Yeah—what other option did I have?” He frowned, something tugging at his brain.  “She rejected me.”

“Sounds to me like she rejected your proposal.  Not you.”

In truth, she’d pretty much said as much.  She’d wanted things to stay the same. But he’d been hurt and angry and incapable of thinking rationally. “So what, you’re saying I shouldn’t have walked out?”

“I’m not saying anything,” the man said.  “It’s my job to listen not offer advice.  But if she’s even half the woman you claim she is, then it seems pretty foolish to let her go just because she doesn’t want to seal the deal in front of the justice of the peace.  But hey, it’s your pity party.”  He shrugged and moved to refill a beer for another patron.

Seth clenched a fist, and blew out a long breath.  Maybe the guy was right.  Maybe he’d been too quick to walk away.  After all, the important thing was to be with Tracy.  And when had he become the poster child for happily ever after?  Harrison and his girlfriend Hannah were happy.  Hell, he’d never seen two people more in love.  And they weren’t rushing to
the alter.

Maybe Tracy was right and he’d been too carried away with making her officially his.  It wasn’t about possession.  It was about loving.  And that much he was damn sure of.  He loved her.  More than he’d ever loved anyone in his life.

But maybe it wouldn’t be enough to just be with her.  Maybe he really did need the commitment of marriage.  After all his parents had just celebrated fifty years together.  Or maybe he was hanging on to some outdated notions of what real love was supposed to be.  Maybe he loved her enough to give her the freedom she needed.  The bartender was right—Tracy hadn’t rejected him.  Only the proposal.

He’d been the one who’d walked out. 

And so now the question was whether he had the courage to walk back in again.  

*****

Tracy paced across the bedroom, stopping once to take a sip from a glass of white wine she’d poured.  The ring, still surrounded by rose petals, lay on the bed, shining up at her as if in silent rebuke.  She wanted to take it and throw it out the window, but every time she went to pick it up, common sense reminded her that it had cost Seth a fortune.  Better to just have it messengered back to him.

Coward, the little voice in her head snickered.  And she took another sip of wine, shaking her head to clear her thoughts.  “I’m not afraid.”  Saying the words out loud made her feel better, but she realized that trying to deal with this on her own wasn’t going to do her any good.  She’d just wind up with a wine-induced headache tomorrow.  Better to call for moral support.

She picked up the phone and dialed, and only after Madison’s sleepy voice filtered through the phone did she remember how late it was.  Or early.  “You all right?” her friend asked, her voice clearer now. 

Madison
O’Roarke was Tracy’s best friend.  They’d started working together when Madison was a newly minted FBI agent and Tracy was just starting her company. Madison was currently a profiler for the FBI’s Behavioral Science Unit, as well as a member of Last Chance.  She and Madison had always had each other’s backs.

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.  Not if you’re calling me at this time of night. What’s up?”

“Seth asked me to marry him.”  The words came tumbling out, tears pricking at the back of her eyes.  Great, now she was losing her composure on top of everything else.

There was silence on the other end, then a sigh.  “I take it that’s not a good thing?”

Tracy swallowed, pushing back the tide of emotion.  “No.  It’s not.  You know how I feel about marriage.”

“I know how you feel about your marriage,” Madison said.  “But that was a long time ago.  You were a kid. And it lasted, what, all of a minute?”

“Three months.”