Equal Access (20 page)

Shad actually seemed to twitch. Then after a
few more seconds of silence he replied in a maintained
monotone.

“What happened to me may not be the root of
the problem. For all I know, I could have been born this way. I’m
not exactly descended from people who would be regarded as pillars
of the community.”

A tremor of nausea crept through her again.
But Dulsie had to keep seeking answers.

“So what happened to make it come back after
all this time?”

Shad inhaled a long, deep breath while his
gaze rolled upward slightly as though he’d found something of
interest on the wall. Dulsie stepped a little forward and to one
side because she could see there was emotion breaking through in
his eyes. It wasn’t pain this time, and it wasn’t exactly panic,
but it did remind her of the gleam in an animal’s eyes when it
sought escape. More seconds passed, and then the mask fell back
into place.

“I found one of them.”

Her spine prickled. “What do you mean? Who
did you find?”

“The man ... who was with us the longest. I
spoke with him.”

Disbelief struck Dulsie again. “You spoke
with a man who molested you?”

“I wanted to find out if he had
reformed.”

“
And
?”

“He hasn’t.”

A flicker of rage passed through her.
“Prosecute him.”

“I can’t. The statute of limitations is
up.”

“Go to the police. Tell them what he did and
that they need to investigate him.”

“It doesn’t work that way. I need
evidence.”

Dulsie was stunned. She knew that defying the
killing letter of the law was the basis for Shad’s decision to
become an attorney, but she still found it difficult to believe
that the law was more interested in protecting an abuser’s rights
because one of his victims had grown too old, yet the perpetrator
could continue to obtain fresh victims. And now Shad believed that
his frustration at being unable to press charges against the man
initiated the recurrence of his ... condition. That led to another
question.

“If you got rid of this problem before, can
you get rid of it again?”

Shad drew another deep breath before
responding, and there was hint of resignation in his voice. “Don’t
you see? I never truly got
rid
of it. It could go back into
latency but it will always be there. There’s always the chance it
will return, again.”

That unpleasant feeling reestablished itself.
“But can you get rid of it? Could you actually take therapy this
time and make it go away?”

“I don’t know. I obviously can’t tell the
difference between eradication and suppression.”

The truth in his words renewed the weight in
her heart. And a realization dawned upon Dulsie that made her feel
as though a knife had also been plunged there.

She couldn’t believe this was happening. Only
a few minutes ago Dulsie had been on top of the world, but now it
had just crashed and burned. The love of her life was no longer the
same man she’d married. He had changed into something ...
repulsive. Dulsie still cared for him, but ... she owed Shad the
same truth he had just given her.

“I’m not sure where we can go from here.” A
tremor crept into her voice. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, but
you’ve got to understand ... we’re talking about
children
.
When you can – even if you don’t ... I just don’t think....”

There was still resignation in Shad’s voice
as he offered her the words Dulsie couldn’t speak. “Do you really
want to live with a pedophile?”

Dulsie bit her lower lip as her chest
tightened and her eyes misted. She drew a deep breath, but her
voice was still hoarse. “I don’t know.”

Shad’s gaze lowered to the case on the couch
and Dulsie saw him also inhale deeply. Then he nodded, once and
slowly, and he turned toward the bedroom.

“You need time to think. I can at least give
that to you.”

She wasn’t entirely sure what Shad meant as
he strode into the bedroom, but when Dulsie heard him open the
closet and then open a suitcase, she realized what he was doing.
This felt more like some terrible, awful dream Dulsie should awaken
from and discover that everything was still all right. But the
truth was, there was a part of her that was relieved Shad was
leaving.

Dulsie wasn’t sure how much Shad packed, but
it took him less than two minutes to return to the living room with
a forest green suitcase in his left hand. Shad slipped the strap of
the carrying case back over his right shoulder, and without any
word he reached for the knob of their front door.

“Where are you going?” Dulsie impulsively
asked even though she wasn’t sure why she cared.

Shad hesitated for a few seconds, and Dulsie
could easily believe he hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. His
reply was back to the monotone.

“The motel.”

Then Shad stepped through the doorway, and he
was gone. Soon thereafter Dulsie heard the engine of the pickup
turn over and eventually fade away. He was truly gone. The man she
had fallen in love with was gone.

Never before had Dulsie ever felt this
alone.

Force always attracts men of low morality.

--Albert Einstein

When Tuesday morning dawned, Shad found
himself skipping several of his usual routines. For one thing he
realized he had packed only clothes and no toiletries. That
discovery was the least of his worries, except Shad didn’t like how
his mouth felt. So he dressed without taking a shower and wet his
hands in the sink to run damp fingers through his hair, which
luckily being coarse and thick and trimmed fairly short cooperated
with his half-hearted efforts. On the way to work Shad swung by the
grocery store and bought a toothbrush and toothpaste so he could
brush his teeth in the office bathroom in the basement. Shad
skipped breakfast.

During the course of the day he kept to
himself, which wouldn’t draw the attention of Nolin or Francine
because Shad was known to occasionally withdraw whenever he became
particularly focused on a case. And since they were familiar with
the challenges he was facing in regard to Monica Simms, they could
easily assume he was just going through one of those phases. Shad
skipped lunch.

Once he got back to the motel room Shad
changed into the only non-office clothes he had packed, a plain
blue tee shirt and khaki shorts, and did exactly what he did last
night after Shad checked in. He skipped the evening meal and lay on
the bed in the darkening room while Shad tried to figure out what
to do with the mess that had become his life.

Something he hadn’t thought possible was
actually happening. His marriage was in jeopardy. Shad knew that
Dulsie regarded holy matrimony with the same reverence he did, but
the truth was, the deception he had perpetrated upon himself made
Shad deceive Dulsie also. He knew her well enough to correctly
predict Dulsie’s reaction to the revelation of his affliction. All
he could do now was hope she would be able to work through the
shock of discovering what he really was.

Prayer was not in his efforts. Last night
Shad decided that he was done talking to the One who kept sending
plagues. The Almighty seemed to have overestimated how much he was
capable of taking on. If Shad had anything left to pray for, it was
that he would be struck dead.

He didn’t consider his thoughts to be
suicidal, but Shad suspected that if he stepped out onto a street
right now and realized a bus was barreling toward him, he wouldn’t
try to dodge. And the absence of skid marks would be the only clue
to identify Shad’s remains as those of a lawyer and not a
skunk.

It would be better for Dulsie if he were
dead. That way she would honorably be out of this marriage and free
to resume her life without Shad throwing in complications. He had a
decent insurance policy that should help keep her supported, and of
course Dulsie had both their parents to turn to for any other
assistance she might need.

Shad turned his cell phone off for the night
because he’d also forgotten to pack the charger.

That Tuesday morning Dulsie took sick leave
from work so that she could stay in the quiet of her home and try
to decide what the best approach was to handle this crisis.

Years ago, when Mom started warning that Shad
posed a threat to her, Dulsie didn’t turn a deaf ear to that
insight even though everyone else argued in Shad’s favor. Through
quiet contemplation and pensive observation, Dulsie determined her
attraction to him was grounded. All of Shad’s good points came to
mind: His patience, kindness, humility, generosity, honesty – and
humor. It seemed, as Shad said last night, their union was meant to
be. What everybody else said must be true, that whatever Shad
harbored he would never wield against her. Considering what he’d
been through, Shad was amazingly normal.

From what little Dulsie knew about Grandpa
Wekenheiser, he had been a more “traditional” abuser who did things
like pin Dad down in order to flay his back and behind with a belt
that left bloody bruises. What that woman allowed those villains to
do to Shad made the term
deranged
psycho
seem like an
understatement. Dulsie couldn’t see how Shad could have any chance
to avoid harboring something dark and dangerous deep in his psyche.
Maybe there was some kind of twisted logic that someone whose
innocent youth had been ripped away from him would yearn for the
innocent youth of others.

At first glance the threat he posed seemed to
be based on the fact Dulsie would be devastated if Shad ever gave
in to his grotesque impulse, especially if their own children were
involved. But Dulsie doubted that was really what Mom’s warning had
been about.

She believed him when Shad denied ever
violating a child, and Dulsie honestly believed he would never give
in to that baser instinct. Her parents had given her plenty of
warning about the male sex drive, which seemed to be otherwise
working perfectly well for Shad. Now that she knew his original
motivation to court her, probably like that of many men, had been
initiated by lust, Dulsie had to credit him on Shad’s conduct
during the months before they became engaged. The agony she was
wrestling with now involved the fact Shad was cursed with something
so vile.

Dulsie wasn’t sure she could ever share a bed
with him again. If only Shad had been a pyromaniac instead. If he
refrained from starting fires even though his libido was ignited by
spectacular conflagrations, she would find that particular deviance
easier to accept. But Shad was drawn to children. Every time Dulsie
considered that fact she felt a new wash of revulsion sweep through
her.

The fact they had a baby on the way further
complicated her consideration. Dulsie knew the value of children
having fathers who were accessible and involved. And one of the
reasons she married Shad was because Dulsie knew he offered many
qualities as a dad. One might suggest they could stay together but
not sleep together. But living in a screwball marriage harbored its
own set of complications.

In her heart Dulsie knew she was going to
have to work through her distaste, but that task wasn’t going to be
easy. It made no difference that Shad was a handsome man, one that
she noticed other women taking second glances of, and yet true to
form Shad remained oblivious to their attention. Dulsie decided she
needed to immerse herself in his qualities that truly made Shad
attractive.

One of the tasks Dulsie tried that day was
pulling a half-inch thick pile of small papers from the bottom of
her cedar chest. They were notes Shad would leave lying about in
their apartment during the first three years of their marriage,
when between their studies and part-time jobs didn’t get to see
each other that much.

“Your value is more precious than
jewels.”

“Your love is more delightful than wine and
there is honey under your tongue.”

“If I do not have love, I am nothing.”

They had weathered those first three years
together, defying the odds against what happened to around eighty
percent of relationships when one partner was in law school.
Perhaps Dulsie’s independence combined with Shad’s insularity
provided them additional fortitude, but ultimately their positive
attitudes bore them through. As much as Shad claimed he had trouble
grappling with the more mystical aspects of faith, these notes
proved he had a better grasp than some people.

Her ancestor Margaret was keenly aware of the
spirituality of marriage. Although the Society of Friends believed
in living daily with God, making ceremonial observances such as
baptism with water unnecessary, even they observed the sanctity of
the wedding. Margaret pointed out that if society continued to take
marriage for granted and demean it as
common
, one day
humanity could lose sight of how God instituted marriage as
something special. And once that happened, all matters of faith and
the freedom to practice it would come under fire, because faith
found its home within marriage and the family.

Try as she might, however, Dulsie couldn’t
push beyond the unsettling fact Shad was attracted to children.

By nightfall she had had gained no ground, so
Dulsie dressed in her satiny, green, spaghetti-strap nightgown and
climbed into bed. It took a while for her to fall asleep because
she kept asking to find that strength which seemed so determined to
elude her.

Dulsie only knew she had finally dozed off
some time ago when Sadie began barking. Dulsie opened her eyes and
turned toward the clock radio on the nightstand to see it was after
one o’clock. What was attracting Sadie’s attention?

Dulsie listened to the tone of the dog’s
barking, and it puzzled her. If Sadie was barking at distant
coyotes, it was a booming challenge. If a possum or coon or stray
dog was slinking toward the turkeys, Sadie would go ballistic. But
tonight the dog’s barking was hesitant and choppy. Dulsie had never
heard her do that before. Did Sadie see or smell something she
didn’t recognize?