Envy - 2 (15 page)

“Sucky guys.”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about—you’re too picky. They can’t
all
suck.”

“Oh, trust me—”

“No, I don’t trust you. You’ve got these impossibly high standards that no guy could ever measure up to and then you complain about being alone. I’m tired of it.”

“So I’m supposed to have
no
standards?” Miranda asked.

“No, you’re just supposed to be realistic. To take a chance once in a while on someone who’s not one hundred percent perfect.”

“I don’t think Kane’s perfect—”

Harper rol ed her eyes, glad Miranda couldn’t see her through the phone. This was getting pathetic.

“Great. So there’s
one
guy in al these years who measures up. You think maybe it’s time to branch out a little?”

“Why are you yel ing at me?” Miranda asked in a smal voice.

“I’m sorry.” Harper took a deep breath. “I’m not yel ing. I just want you to be happy, Rand. So what if this guy’s not the one? So what if he’s not as hot or as charming as the Great and Powerful Kane? You don’t have to marry him—just go out with him a couple times. Think of it as practice. And who knows,” she continued, hating herself for it, “maybe you’l even make Kane jealous. You know guys always want what they can’t have.” She knew that was one idea Miranda would find impossible to resist.

“Okay … you got me. I’l do it. I’l cal Greg and ask him to dinner.”

“Fabulous.” Harper grinned and looked out her window toward Adam’s bedroom. She wondered what he was thinking about right now. Probably Beth. But even that wasn’t enough to deflate her mood. “Good luck, not that you need it.”

Miranda sighed.

“Thanks for the reality check, Harper. You’re the best.”

Harper hung up the phone and gave herself a mental pat on the back for a job extremely wel done. Miranda would be distracted (and, as an added bonus, maybe even happy), leaving Harper free and clear to pursue her own agenda. Guilt free.

Was Harper the best?

Damn right.

Beth slammed her hand on the dining room table as another paper airplane whizzed past her head.

“Adam, give it a rest, I’m trying to concentrate.”

“Okay, okay.” He bent down over his book again and there was a moment of blessed silence. But then, just when Beth had almost wrapped her head around the variables in a monstrously complicated word problem, a tiny bal of paper flew onto her book. When she looked up in irritation, another one hit her squarely in the forehead.

“Jesus, Adam, what are you, twelve years old?”

“What? I’m just trying to have some fun. You can’t tel me you’re not bored out of your mind.”

“That’s not the point,” she snapped. “The SATs are in less than two weeks, and I
need
to get through this. I thought you did too—isn’t that what you said?” Actual y, Adam had cal ed to report his latest swimming victory, suggesting they go out on the town to celebrate. It was a huge moment for him—the swim team was going to the regional championships for the first time in a decade, and it was al thanks to Adam. Beth would have liked nothing more than to spend the night celebrating, to enjoy the fact that she was in love with such an amazing guy. But … she just didn’t have the time. She’d set aside the night for SAT studying, and she couldn’t break her schedule. Not this close to the test. Not even for Adam. But when she’d told him that, he hadn’t gotten angry, or sulky, or any of the other reactions she’d expected. Instead, he’d invited himself over. A study date, just the two of them.

“I need to study,” she’d warned him, wary that she’d be too distracted by his charming smile and silky blond hair.

“Hey, I’m taking the test too,” he’d pointed out. “Don’t I need to study?”

She’d been skeptical—but, after al , she’d been begging him al along to take the SATs more seriously. Who was she to object when he final y took her advice?

They had set up shop at the dining room table and, after a couple minutes of smal talk, lowered their heads over their books.

For about five minutes. And then his attention span ran out.

The last hour had been insanely frustrating, as she tried to keep her concentration and her temper. But she wasn’t having much luck with either.

“I just thought we could take a little break,” he whined, squirming under her disapproving gaze. “Have a little fun.”

“There’s no time for fun—not now,” Beth said, gesturing at the intimidating piles of books, notebooks, and flashcards that lay scattered across the table. She hated the way she sounded, like such a humorless stick in the mud. But it was partly his fault—if he wasn’t always such a baby, she wouldn’t always have to be such a nag. It’s not like she enjoyed playing the role. “Why can’t you understand that?”

“Maybe because you seem to have plenty of time when it comes to Kane,” he said sulkily.

“Is that what this is al about? Is that why you’re here?” Beth sighed in exasperation. How had Adam gotten so disconnected from the things that real y mattered to her, enough so that he couldn’t understand the most important things in her life? Instead, they just had to have this same pointless conversation over and over again. Maybe that was what happened when you stopped talking, she thought sadly. You ran out of new things to say. “Are you real y that jealous?”

“I’m not jealous at al ,” he said hotly. “I just don’t understand what the deal is with the two of you.”

“I told you—he cares about doing wel ,” Beth insisted. “He
wants
my help.”

“That’s not al he wants,” Adam muttered.

“What was that?” she asked sharply.

“I just think you need to ask yourself why he wants to spend so much time with you. Why are you so sure that he cares so much about the
test
?” She stiffened—it infuriated her when he implied that the only thing she had to offer the world was her body. Why was he so convinced that al anyone could ever want from her was sex? Maybe because it was al
he
wanted? As always, she tried to suppress the fear—but these days, it never disappeared for long.

“Oh, I don’t know—maybe because when I study with
Kane
, he actual y works hard,” she pointed out, and it was absolutely true. “He doesn’t sit there fidgeting, throwing paper airplanes, and ignoring everything I say unless it’s about footbal or TV Now … who does that sound like to you?”

“Fine!” he said in a loud, sulky voice, looking away. “You caught me. I don’t give a shit about this stupid test. I just wanted to spend some time with my girlfriend. Lock me up and throw away the key.”

She shushed him and glanced down the hal —her mother was trying to sleep a bit before working a night shift, and the last thing Beth needed was to wake her up. They both held stil for a moment, waiting—but no sound came from the bedroom. They were safe. And in the quiet pause, Beth’s anger had seeped away. She closed her book, then reached over and closed Adam’s, too.

“Adam, listen to me. You have nothing to worry about.”

“You don’t know Kane …”

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. But I know myself,” she said urgently. “
You
know me. Whatever it is you think he’s after, he’s not going to get it.” Adam looked down and didn’t respond.

“You trust me, right?”

“I do, of course I do, it’s just that—”

“Look. Remember last month, when you were spending al that time with Kaia?” she asked.

A wary, panicked look flashed across Adam’s face. “Yes …”

“And I was insanely jealous?”

“That’s right, you were,” he said triumphantly, vindicated.

“And you got mad, because I didn’t trust you—and you were right.”

He looked down again, deflated.

“I should have trusted you,” Beth told him, “because I know you’d never do anything to hurt me.”

“I never would,” he said urgently. “Beth, you know that. I love you.”

“And I love you.” She leaned across the table and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. “And you just have to trust that. Okay?”

“So what now?” he asked.

She laughed. “Now you get out of here and let me get my work done so that I can see you another time.
Without
the stupid books.” He rol ed his eyes. “Are you sure?” he asked, coming around to her side of the table and massaging her shoulders. As always, she melted beneath his warm and sure touch.

“Because you might want to keep me around—I tend to come in handy.”

She swatted him with her notebook. “Don’t tempt me,” she begged. “Now come on, get out.”

He shrugged and turned to go. But he didn’t get very far.

“Okay, come back,” she cried. “ You got me—one more kiss.”

It was a long one.

Adam drove home. With the sweet taste of Beth stil fresh on his lips—and the image of her in Kane’s arms stil fresh on his mind. He knew Kane—the guy got anything he wanted. Anything. Anyone. Adam had to work for everything he got; but for Kane, victory came easy. And it came often.

Beth could deny it al she wanted—she could beg him to trust her a hundred times. But he couldn’t help what he knew, and what he knew was that sometimes being in love, being trustworthy just isn’t enough. Yes, he remembered back when he was spending al that time with Kaia. He’d sworn to Beth a mil ion times that nothing would ever happen. And he’d meant it.

And it’s not like he was some horrible person, he reminded himself. Kaia had just been there—the wrong girl, in the right place at the right time. He hadn’t been able to stop himself. Sometimes he wasn’t even sure he could blame himself—it had al seemed so inevitable. Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, things just happened.

And
that’s
what he was afraid of.

That night, it seemed like sleep would never come.

Beth lay in bed, her body drained of energy, her mind spinning in circles, refusing to slow, refusing to relax. When had her life gotten so complicated? And what did it mean that the things that should have made her happy were the ones keeping her awake?

And, as long as she was asking meaningless questions that she’d never be able to answer, if she was so in love with her boyfriend, why did she sometimes wish he was someone else?

I wish
I
were someone else
, she thought wistful y. Someone who didn’t care so much about always doing the right thing and getting the job done, someone who wasn’t overwhelmed by commitments and responsibilities to everyone in her life.
Someone who wasn’t tied down to the same guy, day in and day out
, her mind whispered. To trade lives with someone, just for a day—was that so much to ask?

What would it be like, she wondered, to have Kaia’s life? Not her striking beauty, or her wealth—though at the thought of a life free of skimping, saving, and scrounging, free of bussing tables at the diner and watching her parents drag themselves home from work at three a.m., Beth often felt a sharp pang of jealousy. There were people who lived life without struggling for every dol ar. She’d accepted that she wasn’t one of them—and while she didn’t care as much as she used to, she cared. A lot. But looks, money, clothes, those were just things, possessions—Beth didn’t want to
have
what Kaia
had
, she wanted, at least sometimes, secretly, late at night, to
be
who Kaia
was
. Beth often watched her out of the corner of her eye, marveling at the girl who seemed to float above the fray, skimming across the surface of life, never getting her feet dirty. It was such an alien frame of mind that Beth couldn’t imagine how the world must seem to her. But on nights like this, she longed for it.

The apathetic manner, the almost inhuman poise—Kaia, she was sure, never fought with her boyfriends. Never questioned what she “real y” wanted, and whether it was right or wrong. And, Beth was sure, never worried that her life was boring, that
she
was boring. Kaia was just like Kane in that way—and maybe, Beth suddenly realized, that was why she was so drawn to him, in spite of herself. And she was. Drawn to him. Even though she could only admit it to herself at times like this, alone, stranded between night and day, waiting for sleep

—or sunrise.

It didn’t matter, of course, because she was with Adam. Good, solid Adam. They were two peas in a pod. A perfect match. She knew that. She loved that. And yet …

He was the only boy she’d ever dated. The only boy she’d ever held. Not that she was bored. She was just … curious. And if she could, for just one day, abandon herself, if she could leave good, dutiful Beth behind, if she could borrow Kaia’s mind, Kaia’s life—then she could know what it felt like to live without consequences, without guilt, to take whatever she wanted, to have it al . Just a one-day vacation from her cookie-cutter life, from always doing the right thing. That was al she asked.

Just one wild day.

And one wild night.

What had happened to her wild nights?

Sprawled across her Ralph Lauren sheets, her comforter kicked to the foot of the bed, Kaia opened her eyes with a sigh. She’d kept them closed as long as she could, hoping she could force sleep to come, but it wasn’t working. She just wasn’t tired—how could she be, when it was only one a.m. and she’d spent the night, like every night before it, lounging around her house?