Envisioning Hope (12 page)

I
looked around the room once more as I calmly reiterated that all was fine and
that everyone was leaving. I nodded my head this time so all would take a hint
and leave the room. I didn't give a shit about what anyone thought of the scene
in front of them, they just needed to go. Luckily, it didn't take long before
they began to shuffle out.

I
was such a bastard. I brought this on and she was still feeling the aftershocks
of what I said. I made sure to make a mental note never to do the tough love
treatment with her again. I sat there as she calmed down enough to relax and
eventually she fall asleep.  I continued to hold her hand as she slept, my eyes
never leaving her face. Her face was tight and there was nothing more that I
wanted to do then to kiss away that pain for her, to wrap her up in my arms,
take all that had destroyed her, and absorb it into me. I closed my eyes at the
thought and slowly pulled my hand out of hers.

Hope
tossed and turned, mumbling softly in her sleep. Some words I could hear,
others were just jumbled. "Stay, I need you," she whispered as she
turned onto her side. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She needed me.
Maybe she was feeling something close to what I was feeling? But, how could
that be? She was still in deep depression over losing her husband. I cleared my
mind as I reached over and pushed her hair away from her face. Then a word came
out of her mouth that just about broke me.

"Charlie."

*
* *

The
silence that was present as I walked into my apartment that evening was so
thick, it stifled me. As I passed the television to grab a beer, I pushed the
power button. The sound of the announcer's voice from the baseball game broke
the noiseless ambiance I could not get used to no matter how long it had been
since Kayla left. Twisting the cap off a beer, I put the bottle up to my lips
and allowed the ice cold liquid to roll down the back of my throat. I could
hear the names of old players so I immediately knew this was a rerun of an older
game. I wasn't into it, I just turned it on to cut the air with the sound of…

That's
when it hit me.

I
couldn't stay in that apartment. So, I grabbed my jacket and decided to visit
somewhere I knew I shouldn't go but needed to be. Walking down to the bar that
evening, I couldn't think of anything other than Hope.  I flashed back to this
afternoon when the doctor was filling that syringe with the sedative as anger
began to take over my body.

I
blew it off as I opened the door to the bar. Hearing my name mentioned as I
walked in lifted that feeling of loneliness that had become my best friend
lately. I cracked a small smile. I headed directly to the stool that I had
claimed as mine months ago. It was the closest to the beer fridge so it didn't
take much for me to reach over and grab a new one. I kept close tabs on each
one I took, these were my friends and I really wasn't that kind of person. They
knew that and I knew that.

Or
did I?

"Usual,
Ollie?" Jackie asked in her deep, throaty voice as she automatically
reached into the fridge and handed me a longneck. She winked as she set it in
front of me. I raised the side of my mouth in response. It was nice to have
someone know me so well, or even at all.

I
missed that.

I
could see someone approaching from the corner of my eye but I wasn't in the
mood to entertain anyone, so I kept my eyes forward until I heard Glenn's
voice.

"Look
like you need some company, son."

I
lifted the bottle to my lips as I turned in his direction. Glenn was shitfaced.
His words were past a touch of a slur but I could still understand him, so I
knew he'd be here for a few more hours.

"Tough
day, Glenn," I answered as I set my bottle down. I saw his head fall back
and knew he'd downed the gold liquid that filled most of his glass. I was amazed
at how he could drink the strong alcohol like it was water.

"Way
you're nursin' that beer, one might think you got lots on your mind."

Of
course he was right, but I wasn't going to talk about this with anyone. I
needed to think about what I was going to do and I didn't have many choices. I
knew my boss wasn't going to let me off this case, therefore I'd have no choice
but to resign or man the hell up and do my job.

"Ollie.
You with me, Ollie?" Glenn's question brought me back to reality. I hadn't
heard a word he'd said, so god only knew what he was talking about. I looked
beside me and noticed his eyes were nothing but slits, he could barely keep
them open. This made me wonder when the last time he actually slept was. I
looked over the whole of him and realized he looked terrible.

His
silver hair was oily and unbrushed. I doubt he even owned a brush. His tan skin
was wrinkled and sagging, surely from extreme weight loss and years of working
out in the sun. The shirt he was wearing was dingy and stained and he looked
like he hadn't eaten in weeks. I felt for the guy. You could tell he was in
pain and the only way he could deal with it was by not dealing with it.

I
pulled a long swallow off my beer again, thinking here I was feeling sorry for
myself over a job I was pissing way due to stupid shit that never should be and
this man would probably give his left arm to have any job. I quickly made a
mental note to see if there were any janitorial jobs available at the office.

"How
you
doin', Glenn? The way you're pounding that glass, one might think
you
have lots on your mind?" I asked since my conscience was beating against
my chest to show some type of sympathy. That was when I saw it. The way his
posture straightened and his eyes widened a bit. A smile crested over the
sadness and he set his empty glass down as he turned toward me, giving me his
full attention.

"Don't
get asked that question much, Ollie. Not really one to air my dirty laundry,
but I like ya, kid and I see a lot of me in you. It scares me." At this
confession, my attention became locked on Glenn. What in the hell was he
talking about? I finished off my beer and reached over the bar calling Jackie's
name to let her know I was taking another one.

I
had a feeling that this beer wasn't going to be enough after Glenn said what he
had to say.

"Never
fails. You're in here every night, sitting there, drinking yourself drunk
enough to go home and pass out just to wake up and start that cycle all over
again. Don't know all the details but I have a feeling it has to do with a
woman. Not asking you to go there if you don't want to, but at some point, you'll
need to go there if you want to heal. Trust me, I've got so many wounds life's
ripped open because I'm too busy pushing shit down, hoping I won't have to deal
with it, there's no way the scars will ever begin to form. If you don't have
scars, you don't heal, got me? Now, I know work is hard but it's not the reason
you're here. You wanna talk about it or do I have to sit here another six
months watching you miss out on the best part of life?"

I
didn't know what to say to that. The worst part is that he was right. For the
last six months, I'd walk my ass down here every night, right to this very
stool, and wouldn't leave until I had enough alcohol in me to pass out.

By
my age, not that thirty-two was old, I'd always thought I'd be settled;
beautiful wife to come home to, maybe a kid running around the house with one
on the way. Yet, here I was with nothing to show for aside from some used
furniture I got for cheap when Kayla took everything out of our condo.

"Not
really in the mood tonight, Glenn," I said as I raised my bottle,
finishing off what was left of the watered down stuff. I looked over to Glenn
who sat there staring at me as though that would make me talk. It wasn't going
to work.

I
watched as Glenn closed his eyes and kept them closed for a moment. Finally, he
replied, "Well, I'm here for ya if ever you need me." With that, he
hesitantly rose from the barstool to return to his place at the other end of the
bar. I wasn't going to beg him to stay. I wanted to be by myself to figure out
just what the hell I planned on doing.

I
saw Jackie come around the side of the bar, so I raised my hand to grab her
attention. Quickly, she walked down to where I sat and removed my old beer
bottles.

"Need
a shot of tequila, Jackie. Make it a double." Jackie set a glass down in
front of me and began to fill it a little more than half way. "He's just
tryin' to feel useful you know," Jackie stated quietly as though she didn't
want anyone else to hear our conversation. I didn't know what she was talking
about and I'm sure she noticed the look of confusion that now covered my face.

"Glenn…"
she stated as she started wiping down a dry bar. "You know his story…"
Her face turned up to mine and, again, I'm sure she could still see the
confusion that continued to grow the more she spoke.

"Oh
my god, you don't know."

Her
wiping became incessant and I became more enthralled at her attempt to wipe off
the
Mike loves Anna
that was carved into the wood of the bar. If she
kept this up, it was sure to be gone in no time.

Suddenly,
she pushed her little body up over the bar as the side of her mouth began to
move.

"Rumor
is… he lost his daughter. Then, to make matters worse, his wife took off."
Jackie slipped back down to her feet and began shaking her head. "Can't
tell you the pain I feel for that man right there. Doesn't have anything
anymore, gave it all up. It's like he doesn't give a shit about anything. Not
to say I don't blame the guy, I mean, what kind of woman goes and does that to
someone?"

I
knew what kind of person gives up on everything; the same woman who lost just
as much as he did.

With
that said, I felt bad for the way I blew him off. I made a mental note to stop
on my way out and apologize. I finished my drink and decided it was time to go
home. I had a busy day tomorrow.

Chapter 12

"Mommy,
can you see me?"

That
voice was what I longed for. I could see him flying high in the swing, his feet
pumping in and out as he pushed higher into the sky.

"Mommy,
I'm flying!"

I
could see Sawyer, the sky…it was all so beautiful. The clouds above me were so
white and the blue was so clear. I looked around, noticing everything in the
park. The trees as the leaves covered every branch and the green grass caught
my eye and I soaked up the vision. I kept turning in circles, taking everything
in around me and I wasn't about to stop.

That
was until I heard his voice.

"Sawyer,
time to eat. Mommy made this great picnic basket, let's not let it go to waste."

Charlie.

Quickly,
I turned in the direction of his voice and saw him lying across the plaid
blanket, perched on his side with his hand holding his head up. His eyes were
locked on me as mine were on him.

I
didn't waste a moment. I ran as fast as I could, knocking him onto his back.
This was a dream and I knew it. But, I didn't care as long as I was with them.

"Baby,
what's wrong?" Charlie asked as though everything was normal. Maybe he
didn't know he was gone. I wasn't going to bring it up because I didn't want to
ruin this moment. I picked my head up and just stared into his crystal blue
eyes. I memorized every part of his face and ran my fingers through his hair,
feeling the silky caress. I pushed my lips down on his and opened my mouth to
allow him entrance. I needed to taste him again. I missed him more than I could
ever imagine.

He
didn't need coaxing, he brushed his tongue against mine and I calmed. I pulled
him against me and deepened the kiss. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I held
on as tight as I could. I didn't want this moment to stop. Wherever I was, I
wanted to stay here forever.

Charlie's
arms tightened around me as I pushed my pelvis against him. I could feel him
against me and I moved my hips just a bit. Charlie broke the kiss.

"Honey,
what's wrong? Sawyer is right there and if you keep this up we're going to get
arrested for indecent exposure."

I
figured I better say something so as not to worry him anymore. I ran my fingers
over his forehead, pushing his hair off of his face.

"I…I…I've
just missed you, that's all," I stumbled out, holding back months and
months of tears. I didn't know how long this would last or when I would be here
again, but I knew I wanted to see Sawyer and spend some time with him. So, I
sat up and fixed myself as I yelled for him to come to me.

I
could see everything. I felt a small tear run down my cheek as I watched my son
dig his feet into the sand to stop himself. Each time the swing became slower
and slower. Finally, it was slow enough for him to jump off. My breath caught
in my throat at the thought of him getting hurt, but then I remembered that
this wasn't real.

God,
what I would've given for this to be real.

Sawyer
was running toward me. He was older, around seven or eight, and I couldn't get
him in my arms fast enough. As soon as I felt his skin against mine, life came
back to me. I was whole again. I wrapped my arms around him and breathed him
in. If I could've taken his soul into me, I would have. I backed up a moment to
take in his features. He was so handsome, just like I knew he would be. My
blonde hair, Charlie's blue eyes, freckles danced across his nose just like
they had done mine when I was a child. I brushed his hair back and took in all
of him.