Envious Moon (8 page)

W
e used to play this game. Where we'd press our faces together, as close as we could, my nose on her nose, my lips on her lips, my eyes in front of her eyes. We were so close we couldn't see anything. The winner was whoever could go the longest without pulling away. It was disorienting. Still, it drove Hannah crazy that I always won.

She'd say, “Next time I'll get you.”

But she never did. I think maybe it's because she kept her eyes closed. It can be weird and blurry seeing someone else from that distance. But if you keep your eyes open, you get used to it after a while, and your breath slows, and then you begin to breathe like the one across from you. You forget that you're a separate person somehow. And when you forget this, there is no need to pull away. You're right where you belong.

H
annah and I quickly fell into a routine. She worked during the days and I kicked around the beach. We met back at the house for dinner and wine. The weather seemed to mirror my mood, and we were blessed with a run of bright sun and warm nights. After we ate we sat outside and later we lay together in her large bed. We would kiss and then we'd hold each other and we never did more than that. We'd stay up talking until she fell asleep. And then I'd watch her until I grew tired.

One morning as she dressed for work, I lay in the bed and looked around the remarkable room. It was square where the door from the hallway led into it and then it curved outward until it reached the turret. The high ceiling had an ornate border. At its center a pattern of pale blue and gold swirled around the large light fixture. Walls painted an eggshell blue. A few minutes later, Hannah came to me and told me I had to get up.

“How 'bout I just wait for you to return?”

“Not today. The cleaning service comes.”

“Come back to bed,” I said.

“I have to go. I'm going to be late already.”

I reached for her and she feigned like she didn't want me to but I pulled her down on top of me. “Stay,” I said.

“I can't, Anthony. I have to go.”

I kissed her forehead. “Come on.”

She shook her head and broke free and stood up. “Don't stay in bed too long. They'll be here soon.”

After Hannah left I closed my eyes, only for a moment, I told myself. But I fell asleep and when I woke I heard voices in the hallway. And they were not just any voices, but the voices of my home. Women with Portuguese accents.

I dove out of bed in only my shorts and I ran to the closet and slipped inside it, closing the door behind me. They were in the room now. The closet door was partly ajar but I didn't dare close it all the way. I had left my clothes on the bed, and my boots were on the floor.

There were two of them. Through the slightly open door I saw hands on the bed. I moved deeper into the closet, trying not to make any noise. Her clothes were all around me now, and I could smell her soap on them. It was a smell particular to Hannah, and I had already learned to love it. A figure passed by the door and then came back and I got a good look at her. It was Maria, a girl I had grown up with in Galilee. We had gone to school together from kindergarten until I dropped out after tenth grade. The other woman sounded older. I heard her say something and then Maria was out of sight. I pictured Maria. She had sweet brown eyes. Stocky-legged but pretty. The kind of girl Berta always wanted me to marry. I had not seen her in a while, though I knew her father. He was a fisherman on a small boat that caught pollock and other bottom-feeders for the big companies.

The older woman came into view and I did not know her.
She was short and heavy, curly dark hair in a hairnet. She held my shirt and my pants in her hand, lifting them up like they were garbage. She said, “
Algum tem estado se divertindomuito
.” Someone's been having fun. I heard Maria laugh and then the sound of a vacuum. I exhaled.

I didn't move until I was certain they were gone. I never told Hannah about the close call, probably because I didn't want to remind her how different we were. That I grew up with her maids.

L
ater that same afternoon, I grew antsy with the same routine. I grew tired of the beach. I didn't want to fish anymore. I paced around at my camp smoking for a while and a darkness came over me. Maybe it was seeing Maria in that house. Wondering what Maria would have thought had she opened the door before I had a chance to wake and found me in the bed. Something about this idea soured the happiness I had been feeling. I paced around and I thought that it might be a good idea to go see Hannah. I didn't want to wait until the evening when she got home. I wanted to see her now, just to be pulled back to where I was before the maids shattered my sleep.

I had not been back to the village since I arrived on the island. I went to the general store near the lighthouse for food and cigarettes, but my only other interaction was with Hannah and the great house. The village was where Sheriff Riker was. And the roads were where Sheriff Riker patrolled in his car. But my need to see her that afternoon outweighed any concerns I had about running into him.

And so I walked that long island road again, as I had that first day. I wore my hat low over my eyes. I winced every time
a car approached but the only cars I saw belonged to islanders and to tourists.

When I reached the edge of the village, I turned down one of the side streets. I had not bothered to ask her where the ice cream store was, but I knew there were only a few commercial blocks on the island. I didn't remember seeing it on the Main Street in front of the ferry but I thought this side street would lead me to the other set of stores that I did not pass that day. As it worked out, the store was on the side street itself, a small clapboard building next to other small clapboard buildings that housed clothing stores, delis, and little storefront restaurants. A small red sign had Benny's written across it in script.

When I opened the screen door, I did not see Hannah. There were two plain-faced girls that looked like sisters behind a wooden counter. The only customers were a family, a tall, athletic-looking man and his equally tall wife. Two blond boys. I went to the counter.

“Can I help you?” one of the plain-faced girls asked.

“I'm here to see Hannah.”

The girl looked puzzled. I knew it was the way I appeared. Shorts with work boots on. Dark skin. She turned toward a room in the back I couldn't see and she called her name. In a moment Hannah came from the right, wiping her hands on a dishcloth. She could not disguise her feelings. I already knew her well enough to read her face. She did not light up with the sight of me. She did not want me here and when she smiled, it was weak and forced. To my right one of the plain-faced girls handed ice cream cones across the counter to the tall man. She whispered hello.

“Hey,” I said.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to visit.”

She looked around. “I'm working.”

“I needed to see you,” I said.

Having gotten their change and their cones, the family made for the exit. The two plain-faced girls folded their arms over their chests and I knew they were studying me but I was ignoring them. I looked at Hannah, who seemed tight to me. One of the girls said, “Hannah, you going to introduce us to your friend?”

I gazed at the one who spoke. She smiled at me and pulled on one of her bangs over and over. “I have to go,” Hannah said.

“You don't look busy.”

She lowered her voice. “I have to go. I'll see you later, okay?”

I nodded. “You're embarrassed of me,” I said.

“No,” she whispered, shaking her head. “I just have to work.”

“You are,” I said. “Don't worry, I won't let them hear. But you're embarrassed of me.”

She reached for my hand then, but I wasn't having it. “No, Anthony,” she said.

Behind me the screen door opened and I turned to see several boys, twelve or thirteen years old, muscling their way into the store. The small space filled with their energy.

“Maybe I'll see you later,” I said. “Maybe not.”

I spun and walked out the door. I didn't pause to see if Hannah had followed me.

I
did not go to the house that night. On the beach I leaned against the rock promontory and I watched the day turn into night. My anger left with the sun. Now I was just sad. I had shown her too much and too soon. I wondered if she would find me and I hoped that she would. I couldn't stand it if she didn't. I had revealed myself to her, and she needed to come to me.

Above me the last light bled from the sky. The tide rolled in. I smoked and I listened to it. And then Hannah came out of the shadows and stood over me where I sat and I didn't look at her. My heart lifted but I didn't want her to see this so I watched the tide.

“I'm sorry,” Hannah said.

“Sit down.”

She sat next to me and crossed her legs Indian-style. “I'm not embarrassed of you,” she said.

“No?”

“No. I'm not.”

“Could of fooled me,” I said.

“Those girls aren't my friends.”

“I don't care.”

“It's a small town. I don't like people knowing what I'm doing.”

“I shouldn't have just shown up,” I said.

“I'm sorry,” she said again.

“It's okay,” I said, and it was. I was just happy Hannah had come to find me. For the first time, I wasn't chasing her anymore.

“Come here,” I said, and she inched closer to me on the sand. I put my arm around her and she moved into me and we kissed. We kissed for a while and then we stopped. The dark came completely and we sat next to each other and when we started kissing again, we didn't stop. She rolled on top of me and on the bedroll her long hair swung in front of my face.

“We can if you want,” she said.

“Okay.”

“Do you have anything?”

“No.”

“Don't come inside me.”

I had no idea what I was doing and when she first moved on top of me I mistook the expression on her face for pain. But then she smiled at me and I knew it was going to be fine.

“Wait for me,” Hannah said, and I didn't know what this meant. I held her shoulders in my hands and she slid on top of me and when I pushed her away, she rolled back like a wave.

“Like that,” she said.

The night was black but I could see well enough to know when she closed her eyes. I thought that I should too but the truth was that I wanted to watch her face. It seemed as if every line on her skin, every tiny perfect freckle was there for me, because of me. I was suddenly aware of everything: the steady
ebbing of the tide as it moved closer. The beach. The two of us, where we were joined. I tightened my hands on her shoulders, pressing down. She murmured yes and I gave in and shut my eyes and there was only Hannah, the softness of her skin underneath my palms.

After, when she had fallen into me and then rolled away, I wrapped my arms around her bare belly and I said, “I'm sorry.”

“For what?”

“I can do better.”

“It was perfect.”

She spun into me then and rested her head on my chest. We looked up at the new stars. I ran my hands through her hair. I felt like talking. I said, “I always want it to be like this.”

“Like what?”

“You in my arms.”

“You're sweet.”

“I'm in love.”

She laughed at me. “Silly. It takes a long time to be in love.”

“No, it doesn't.”

“How do you know?”

“I do.”

“Love at first sight?”

“Yeah,” I said, and I didn't care if she knew it.

“Only in the movies,” she said.

“No,” I said. “Here. Now.”

“When you first saw me you had just woken up. Maybe you were confused.”

“I didn't know a girl could be so beautiful.”

“Is that really what you thought?”

“I didn't know a girl could get more beautiful every day. That every time you see her you notice something different.”

“Like what?”

“Like this,” I said, and I moved her hair where it rested off to the side. I ran one finger along the nape of her neck. “How soft your skin is here.”

“You're going to make me cry.”

“I don't want you to cry.”

“Then stop saying such nice things.”

“Okay,” I said. “No more nice things.” I played with her hair. I slid my fingers through it and I massaged her scalp.

“That feels good.”

And we lay in silence then. Somewhere in the distance a car made its way around one of the island roads, changing gears on the switchbacks. A reminder that there were other people in the world. Above I noticed now the first quarter moon, stuck in the branches of the overhanging trees. I pulled her tighter and soon she was snoring lightly and sometime after that I fell asleep too.

When I woke, the sky was subdued with the gray of dawn. A light fog had blown in off the water. It had cooled off and when I reached for Hannah I realized that she was already awake and had been crying. When she turned toward me, her eyes were rimmed with red.

“What is it?” I asked.

She shook her head. “It's nothing.”

“Tell me.”

She laid her head on my chest, away from me so that I could not see her face. “It's nothing,” Hannah said again.

“
Garota bonita
,” I said.

“What's that?”

“It's Portuguese.”

“What's it mean?”

“Pretty girl.”

“That's nice,” she said. “Tell me something else.”

I thought for a moment. I said, “
Eu morreria por voce
.”

“What's that?”

“I would die for you.”

She lifted her head and looked at me. Then she punched me in the chest with her small fist, not hard enough to really hurt but it stung anyway. She said, “Don't say that. Don't ever say that.”

“Okay,” I said.

“I mean it. Promise me.”

“I won't say it.”

She laid her head back down and her face was warm against my bare chest. The air was wet with the morning fog. I wondered what the day would bring. I wondered if it would rain. I ran my fingers through her hair and for some reason I suddenly imagined the beach in the winter, as I had seen it from sea. Snow-covered and windblown, the rocky cliffs slick with ice. In time Hannah fell asleep again but I did not. I watched the whitecaps rippling from east to west and I held her against the cold.