Entwined (27 page)

She took out the bills and counted them, and then she had looked up and smiled. He had never seen her smile before.

"Next time I come, I'll have a visa, you can take me with you then. My name is Ruda…R U D A, you won't forget, will you? Thanks for the money."

He left the next day, but he didn't forget her—five years later when she turned up again, he recognized her immediately. It was in Florida; she was accompanied by her husband, Tommy Kellerman.

♦ ♦ ♦

Grimaldi woke up, he had no idea where he was. His head throbbed so hard he couldn't lift it. He felt something warm and hairy curled by his side, and as he lifted the stinking blanket he saw Boris's face.

"Whoop…Whoop."

Grimaldi let the blanket fall back over the chimp. Loud snoring was coming from across the room. In the darkness he could just make out the sleeping Lazars, his legs propped up on the table, his head on his chest, still sitting in his chair.

Grimaldi cursed. How in God's name had he got here? He couldn't remember. He sighed, and the strong hairy arm patted his chest gently. He inched up the blanket again, and the round bright button eyes blinked.

"What time is it, eh?"

Grimaldi tried to sit up—but slumped back again. Better to sleep it off, he doubted if he could stand up anyway.

♦ ♦ ♦

Ruda was wakened by a bang at the trailer door. She lifted the blinds, and saw a bedraggled Tina waiting outside.

"What do you want?"

Tina peered through the window. "Is he here? I can't pay the taxi…he took my handbag. Let me in!"

Ruda put on an old wrap, stuffed her feet into worn slippers. She got her wallet and opened the trailer door.

"You know what time it is? How much do you need?"

Tina was red-eyed from crying. "He just left me, he took my bag."

Ruda laughed. 'That's my husband! Here, take this."

"Is he back? Did he come back?"

Ruda shook her head, about to close the door, her hand on her hip.

T can't get into my trailer, the girls lock the door."

"What do you expect me to do?"

"Can I come back, after I've paid him?"

Ruda shrugged and left the door ajar, then returned to the bedroom and closed the door. She heard Tina enter, followed by the clink of cutlery. She stormed out. "Eh! What do you think you're doing?"

"I was making a cup of tea."

"Oh were you? Don't you think it would have been polite to ask? You wake me up, get money out of me, and now start banging around in my kitchen. You've got nerve, a lot of nerve."

"I'm sorry, do you want one?"

Ruda hesitated. "Yeah, white, one sugar."

Ruda got back into her bed, turned on the bedside light. It was after four; she leaned back, listening to the girl banging around searching for the tea, then she heard the rattle of teacups and her door inched open. Tina had a tray with two cups and a pot of tea, she'd got sugar and biscuits. She poured Ruda's cup, spooned in the sugar, then stirred it carefully.

Ruda took the cup, watching Tina pour her own, then she laughed softly. "Well isn't this cozy? You fancy keeping the baby in my room, do you? Little pink elephants on the curtains, frilly crib, white baby wardrobes?"

Tina edged to sit on a small stool in front of Ruda's dressing table. "I got really frightened, he was with me one minute and the next he just disappeared. He's got my handbag, my money, my cards, checkbook—everything. I'm worried about him, do you think he'll be all right?"

Ruda opened her bedside drawer, took out a bar of chocolate, breaking it into pieces. She sucked on a large piece, not offering Tina any. Tina took a biscuit and nibbled it. "I mean, he had been drinking."

Ruda said nothing, kept on staring at Tina.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you, Ruda. Is it all right if I call you Ruda?"

Ruda took another bite of chocolate, and sipped her tea. She found it amusing to watch the stupid little bitch squirming.

"I know he's talked to you about the baby, and we've never really spoken, he said you'd agreed to a divorce."

Ruda licked her mouth, leaving a dark brown chocolate stain.

"I know how much the act means to you. I was watching you in rehearsal, I mean I was really impressed. I don't know all that much about training, but…"

"Impressed! Well, I am flattered." Ruda held out her cup for more tea, and Tina scuttled to the tray and poured, spooned in more sugar, and then started for the door.

"I don't want any milk, never have milk in the second cup, thank you."

Ruda smiled, and Tina sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I love him."

"You love him. How old are you?"

"Age doesn't matter."

"Doesn't it?"

"No, and I think I can make him happy. He's really excited about the baby."

"Is it his?"

Tina flushed. "That's a terrible thing to say. Of course it's his."

Ruda slowly put her cup down and leaned forward. Tina backed slightly, and then allowed Ruda to take her hand.

"What tiny little hands you've got, let me see your palm. Oh yes, really interesting, my my! What a lifeline."

Tina moved closer, allowing Ruda to press and feel her open palm. "Do you believe in that stuff? I think it's all mumbo-jumbo."

Suddenly Ruda gripped Tina's hand so hard it hurt, but she continued smiling, as if she were joking. "And I think everything you say is a load of crap—you little prick teaser. You don't love Luis. You don't love that big bloated old man, that drunken has-been, you want…"

Tina tried to draw her hand away, but Ruda held her in a viselike grip, pulling her closer and closer…and then, there was no smile. Ruda's face twisted with anger, and with her free hand she punched Tina's belly, pummeled it as if it were a lump of dough. Tina twisted and tried to break herself free. She started screaming—terrified, trying to protect her womb.

Ruda hauled Tina almost on top of herself. Tina kicked out with her legs, but Ruda dragged her closer, and covered her mouth. Tina could feel Ruda's body beneath her, and she twisted again, tried to turn.

"Don't struggle or I'll break your neck."

Tina began to cry, her body went limp. She knew she couldn't fight, Ruda was too strong.

"Promise not to cry out? Promise me?…
Promise!
"

Ruda jerked Tina so hard she gasped. "I promise! I promise! Just don't hurt me, don't hurt my baby, please…"

"If you scream or cry out, then I will hurt you, maybe even kill you." Slowly Ruda released her grip, easing Tina from her, and then rolled off, and leaned up on one elbow. She smiled down into the frightened girl's face. Tina was like a rabbit caught in a poacher's beam of light. Her eyes were wide, startled, and terrified. She was transfixed, unable to move, too scared to cry out. Now Ruda's strong hands stroked and caressed, with knowing assurance, gently easing down Tina's skirt to feel between her legs, her voice soft and persuasive, a half-whispered monotone, hardly audible.

"On nights when they held their entertainments, when they had their drinks, their music, we knew we were safe for one or two hours. We'd hear the laughter, we'd hear the singing, the applause, the shouting…"

Ruda unbuttoned Tina's blouse, cupping the heavy breasts in their white lace brassiere. Her skin felt soft, so soft. Ruda had an overwhelming desire to hold Tina, as if she was some long-forgotten lover she wanted to protect. She no longer frightened her, she knew that, and she cradled Tina in her arms, drawing her closer, her lips close to Tina's face. She gave gentle, almost sweet kisses to her neck, to her ears. Tina felt the sadness sweep over her like a wave, a terrible sadness. She could not stop herself giving in return a childlike kiss to Ruda's neck. "Where were you?" Tina asked hesitantly, unsure what was happening, why it was happening.

Then Ruda rested her head against Tina's breast, while Tina softly stroked the back of Ruda's head, as if to encourage her to continue. "Where were you?" Tina repeated.

"Oh, I was someplace, someplace a long time ago. The older ones discovered there was a flap beneath the main hut, that we could wriggle beneath, hide under the trestle benches, hide and wait to see the show…"

Ruda moved to rest her head on the pillows. Tina could easily have got up then, but she didn't move. The strong woman's sadness had mesmerized her.

"What was the show? Was it your first circus?"

Ruda sighed. "Yes, it was a sort of circus. They had animals, they had dancers, and they had hunchbacks, and giants. They had every imaginable human deformity, but they had chosen only the prettiest girls, they were thirteen, maybe a little older, but each one had her head shaved, her body hair shaved, and they wore coronets of paper flowers…red flowers, like bright red poppies."

Ruda's eyes stared at the ceiling, her face expressionless.

"They made the dwarfs fuck the giants; they made the hunchbacks fuck the pretty sweet virgins; they forced the dwarfs to ride the dogs' backs with their dicks up their arses. They clapped and applauded, laughed, and shouted for more. Then they began to beat the pretty, weeping girls, and they kept on beating them until their white bodies were red with their own blood, as red as the paper flowers on their scraped and scratched bald scalps. One of the trestles moved, cut into my leg. The others escaped, they crawled back under the feet of the bastards, inching their way out. But I couldn't. I was trapped, I had to keep on watching. When I shut my eyes, it made it worse because I could hear them, hear the cries, hear the dogs."

Ruda seemed unaware of Tina, who slowly inched away, and then slid from the bed until she knelt on the floor to pick up her clothes. Ruda made a strange guttural sound, half sob, half cry, and covered her face with her hands.

"Oh God, my poor Tommy, poor Tommy…!"

Tina slipped on her blouse. Ruda made no attempt to stop her from leaving. She wiped her cheek with the back of her big raw hand.

"Not until the show was over, not until they were too drunk to stand, too drunk to care, could I crawl back. Next morning, I saw what they'd done to the older ones. They were on the cart, the skin of their little bald heads burst open, clouds of flies stuck to their blood, purple-black rimmed eyes. They only wanted to see the show, to see what made everyone laugh."

Tina crawled toward her skirt. Suddenly Ruda rose from the bed, her hand outstretched. "Don't go. Please stay with me, just for a little while."

Ruda reached over and placed her hand on the unborn, the rounded belly of the young girl. "I will see that you have money to travel, but you must leave."

Tina backed away, the expression in Ruda's eyes made her afraid again. "You will leave, Tina, but without my husband."

Tina blurted out a pitiful: "No…no!" She would never forget the look on Ruda Grimaldi's face, the strange hissing sound before she spat out the words: "He is
mine
!"

The slap sent Tina reeling against the wall. At the same time Grimaldi eased open the trailer door, silently, so as not to wake Ruda. He heard the cry, went to Ruda's bedroom, and opened the door. For a moment he was unable to comprehend what he was seeing.

He slammed the door, burst out of the trailer, and began to vomit. He turned as Tina rushed out hysterically, half undressed, sobbing. She gasped. "My handbag…I want my handbag."

Tina snatched it from him and ran. She stumbled once, flaying the air with her hand, and then was out of sight.

Ruda was at the trailer door, looking at him…shaking. "You better get some coffee down you. Come on, I'll get Mike to clear up in the morning."

Grimaldi, dazed, allowed himself to be helped back up the steps, stood as she took his jacket, peeled off his shirt.

"Christ, you stink. What the hell have you been doing?"

"I met Fredrick Lazars, we got drunk…"

"Sit down and let me take your pants off, you stink like a dog!"

Grimaldi sat as she heaved off his boots, unbuttoned his pants.

"I slept with Boris, a baby chimp."

He curled up on the cushions. She brought a blanket, put it on him, then placed a bottle of scotch next to him for when he came around. She knew he would be unable to face the day without a drink. When she was sure he was asleep, Ruda returned to her room and slumped onto her crumpled bed, confused by the evening's events. What had she just done?

She rubbed her arms with revulsion, very angry at herself. She had told Tina, stupid little Tina, about a part of her life that she had never shared with anyone before. Why? She bit her knuckles. Tina had made her feel something, the girl's soft body in her arms had reminded her of a warmth, a loving, she had forgotten. But it wasn't the same. It was stupid to even think of it now. She had to get her mind straightened out, had to think straight. She had even offered to pay her money to leave—why? "Ruda, what do you want?"

Even if she didn't want him, was it the real truth that she didn't want anyone else to have him, either? That surprised her. "What do you want?" Ruda said aloud as she started pacing up and down the small bedroom. Her pace quickened, and she paused twice looking up at the cupboard. She could feel its pull, but every time she got close to it, she turned and walked back across the room. She paused by her poster. She pressed her hand against her own face, and then she couldn't stop herself. She stepped up on the small stool by her makeup mirror, and opened the small cupboard above. She had to balance on tiptoe to reach it, her hands pushing aside boxes and hats until she felt the cold sides of the black tin box.

She hugged it to her chest, secretive, like a child, and then got to her hands and knees, lifting the carpet until she found the key. She always felt a strange sensation opening the box—pain pierced her insides. The odd assortment of treasures, her secrets that meant so much to her, but were of no value to anyone else. She spent a long time fingering, touching her "things," unaware of the low humming sound she made, her body rocking backward and forward.

"Mine, mine…mine…" She licked the small oval gray pebblelike object, then replaced it, and looked to the poster of herself. "Mine, mine, mine." Her face in the center of the brightly colored poster became a distorted skeleton head. She could see the loaded truck, weighted down, being dragged through the muddy yard, teetering dangerously to one side. Beneath a hastily thrown tarpaulin, she glimpsed the stacked, bloated bodies, and from the crushed bellies of the corpses came the hideous hissing sound of escaping gas.