Enough (22 page)

“I was...” I choked back tears “...distracting myself from the jagged wound right here.” I beat my chest, turning away as the tears began to flow.

I heard Bear’s boots cross to me, and he stood before me, tugging up my chin. I spoke the words pounding in my mind. “Do you know the last time friends offered to take me out? Help me through a tight spot?” My words were hollow and full of anguish. “Try never.” I met his gaze.

“We’re here for you, Mama.” He touched my chin.

I flinched away from his now tender touch. His poison rotted my insides. I didn’t need his compassion.

“No...you...” I gestured to him “... all want me, but none of the club are here for
me
.” Anger and hurt warred inside me.

He moved back and sat in the chair. His mouth pressed into a thin line. “You aren’t after that?”

I laughed and to be honest it sounded crazy. “I’m not that person without him. We created Red together, now she’s gone. Maybe I’m weak, definitely stupid, but I don’t want anyone else.” My hands raked through the red curls I despised. “I’m Lila, and she’s never lasted this long without finding a man to erase her problems. I’m trying to survive. I ain’t got enough left for games.” I carried my cup to the sink, about ready to crack. “Let yourself out, everyone else does. Go back to the women who are tough enough to mend their broken hearts and plan revenge or world domination.” I huffed a dry laugh. “I should take lessons.”

The distance to my bed seemed endless.

Hands grabbed me and spun me into his chest. And as soon as my cheek hit his body, the tears came. Weak. Pathetic. But I couldn’t hold the floodgate another second.

I don’t know how long I cried, but when I came up from the mindless place where my grief lived, I was seated on the couch next to Bear with my face buried in his shoulder.

I pushed up and practically ran to the bathroom. My eyes were slits in the swollen red flesh surrounding them. I stared in the mirror and tried not to freak out.

No one but Dare had ever held me when I cried, mostly because I never cried in front of anyone. I’d reached a whole new level of pitiful. I started to open the door, but panic paralyzed me. What did I do now? I had no idea so I straightened my spine and inhaled—time to suck it up.

I found Bear sitting where I left him. He met my gaze and then found anything else to look at.

“Thanks.” I added more sass. “I finally believe it.”

His brows bunched, and a curious gaze met mine.

“You
are
gay. Here you are wiping up my tears like my GFF.” I winked at him.

A strangled laugh burst from him. “Shit. That’s funny.”

“Pop?” I needed one myself. My throat burned.

“Yeah.” He stood and followed me to the kitchen.

I brought out two cans and handed him one. He took it, pinning me with his stare. “I’m sorry. You aren’t like the people I know.”

I shrugged. “They sound tougher than me.”

“Tell me exactly what happened.” He glared at me.

I told him about the breakup, not because I wanted to, but I figured he deserved it after I’d blubbered all over him. Drained of emotion, the telling wasn’t as painful as when I’d told Avery. I finished my story, and he assessed me with scary intensity.

He set his can on the counter with a thunk. “Why do you think he freaked out? It’s not his style.”

“He’s got fucked-up ideas, probably because of the reading problem.” My hand covered my mouth, and I stared horrified at Bear. “Uh, no, because he’s Dare, no problems.”

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Lila

Not a great save, or even a save at all. I’d shared Dare’s deepest secret, one I didn’t know to be true.

I
am so stupid.

“He tell you that?” His face blanked.

I shook my head. “He’s fine, and never told me anything. But I can’t be held responsible for his shit. I own my past. He can at least do the same.”

Bear turned and walked away. I thought he’d leave because I’d dissed his brother. But he sat in the chair, staring from me to the couch. I threw away our cans and joined him in the living room.

It could be worse, at least I’d never said it to Dare.

He sat forward, elbows on his knees, hands pressed together in front of his lips. “Hypothetically, a brother had a problem like you said...” His expression flashed with rage.

Is that directed at me?

“It’s not in the past. It’s his present, his future—his fucking living nightmare.” He sat back in the chair. “You were beaten, right?” A dark, dangerous look shadowed his face.

A cold blast of outrage filled me, and I almost snapped at him, but I’d opened this door with my mouth. I gulped down the bitterness blocking my throat.

“Yeah,” I grunted.

“But not now.” He studied me. “Not for the last four years, maybe longer.” His raised eyebrows asked for confirmation.

“Close enough.” I remembered Larry and how I’d run straight from my dad to the same kind of loser who hit me. I’d stayed with him almost a year.

“That’s the past.” He spoke low and went silent for so long I thought he was done. “You think Thorn’s problems are the past?”

I shook my head. He fought his demons daily, and more often than not I bet he lost.

“Ask anyone and they’d tell you Thorn, Dare and me—we’re the hard cases. The ones others fear. My shit, mostly in the past, but liking to fuck men, it makes me harsh. Thorn, you know about.” His words were like blows.

They stole my anger, and a sick feeling rose inside me.

“If a man’s living his nightmare day in and out, you think he knows when he’s over the line?”

I thought of Thorn hitting me, and my chest tightened. I’d never considered what Dare faced every day—fear of showing his failure, and he’d see it that way.

“Fuck, yeah I get your point.” And I did, only it was too late. While I’d discovered his secret, I hadn’t thought about how it changed his reality, because he’d acted so damn confident. Now I realized how being out of touch must have freaked him the fuck out. Not that it excused the way he’d treated me, but at least I understood.

Bear nodded at me. “You’re smart and tough, you should work—”

“I don’t fuck for money,” I yelled, fed up with having to say no yet again.

Hands up, he backed up a couple steps. “I got that, loud and clear. But I was going to say, you should work with me as my gofer.”

I frowned at that term. I wasn’t a lackey.

“I mean, help out with the books, the organization of the place. Ollie does all that and I want to free up his time for better things.”

Now that sounded appealing to me, and I might need a new job, one whose boss wasn’t my ex-lover and never would be. “I’ll think it over, but I like what I do. If it’s too awkward I’ll probably take you up on the offer.”

* * *

Monday shone a bright sunny day. I’d have preferred dark clouds.

I tried to brace myself, prepare to be Lila the office manager, not Red, Dare’s girl.

I opened the shop at noon, preparing a USB drive for Maverick to pick up. Zayn and Rock arrived at noon, but I doubted I’d see Dare today since he didn’t have any appointments. Around two Maverick picked up the books, then we’d be dead until five when Zayn’s appointment came in.

About three o’clock, Rock waved and headed out. I’d heard from Avery, who’d had her world rocked Saturday night by Rock—her words. Her wordplay had made her giggle. Everyone got lucky that night but me. Glory sighed when I asked her about Zayn, and I worried she might be attached.

As the minutes ticked by, I became more restless.

I
need a tattoo.
Something to remind me of those failures, so I’d quit making the same damn mistakes—a skull and crossbones over my heart. I poisoned my love life because of my past, one way or the other. I’d found a good man and drove him away—or we drove each other away—because of the baggage.

I headed back to see Zayn, I wanted to take advantage of the “employee discount.”

“Mama, I refuse to put a skull and crossbones on your chest.” He looked at his hands. “I’m not a fan of doing anything close to your tits.”

A laugh rose from deep inside me. “Didn’t you screw someone last night with tits?”

He chuckled. “I don’t think of you that way.”

“Too old? Too ugly?” I teased him.

His cheeks reddened, and I laughed harder.

“You’re like my sister. Happy now?” He stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“Sorry, I’ll quit tormenting you.”

“Hey.” Dare strode into the workroom.

I stared at my toes and then found my spine. “Hey, you need the numbers?”

He nodded.

“They’re in the office.” I moved past him and down the hall. My heart beat fast, and my mouth went dry.

I gave him the month totals. “Of course, it’s down because we closed a few days in October, but five percent better than last October.”

“Thanks, Lila.”

He strode out the door and rode away on the bike I would never ride on again.

Emotion strangled me, twisting my muscles until I wanted to curl up in the fetal position.

I breathed in a deep and rhythmic way until my chest relaxed. I chanted a single phrase:
I
can survive this.

“You okay?” Zayn’s voice startled me.

“Yeah.”

“Thinking about your ink.” He had a pad in his hand. “What if we put a flower, like the one on your hip, but kind of sad or withered, with blood welling and dripping from it?”

I grabbed him and kissed his cheek. “Perfect. How’d you remember my flower?”

He blushed again. “Not easy to forget.”

I smacked his head. “That’s no way to think about your sister.”

We shared a laugh and I felt a little better. Putting the Walk On Back sign on the desk, I followed him back.

“Will you make a stencil?” I wasn’t sure how he preferred to work.

“Yup, just give me a minute. You need a drape?”

“Whatever makes you more comfortable.” I winked at him.

“What kind of badass biker would I be if I draped you now?” He gestured for me to lose my top.

I peeled off my tank. My front-fastening bra probably was low enough so I left it on.

“Put it here.” I brushed the area over my heart. “Make the blood drip here, between my breasts.” I grabbed his drawing. “Can you add a deep color, like poison? Webbed up from the base of the flower?”

“Wicked, Mama.” He surveyed my chest. “First piece on the front. Wow. An honor.”

“I planned to fill my back before I moved on, but it needs to be here.” I pointed to my heart.

I sat in his chair and leaned back, anticipating the pain. He prepared his tools and taped the picture to a mirror by the chair. Soon the gun touched my skin. Pain swept over me, not terrible pain, but enough to take over my mind, leaving it blank.

“Holy shit.” Avery’s voice made my eyes pop open.

“Hey, what you doing here?” I asked.

Zayn didn’t stop the work. I glanced at the time—ten until five. His client would be here soon.

“I have to change our date at Blue’s to six, instead of later.” She gulped, looking from Zayn to me.

“Yeah, it should work,” I said as the front bell rang.

Mark sauntered back.

Shit.
I forgot he was Zayn’s five o’clock.

He smiled wide. Apparently, he enjoyed the up-close view of my breasts. Zayn stopped working and glanced at Mark, frowning at the way he ogled me.

“I got maybe fifteen here with Mama. You mind if I start with you late?”

Mark definitely didn’t mind.

“Then I’m staying too.” Avery grinned at me. “Research for my first one.”

Zayn lifted a brow at Avery’s announcement and then turned to me. A question in his gaze.

“It’s fine. Thanks for waiting, Mark.” The buzz started again, shooting pain up my sternum as he added the drops of blood. A clean pain. Honestly, I craved more and wished I’d picked a bigger piece.

“Mirror or picture?” he asked.

I picked a mirror, even if it wasn’t as accurate. I didn’t want my boobs in his camera memory. He spun the barber’s chair toward the mirror. The finished piece was beautiful, with hints of color, but my skin showed through in several places. A trace of black lingered in the center of the flower—the poison. A crimson line flowed from the flower and the three red drops trailed down the split of my breasts.

“It’s perfect. You’re right, this is much better than my idea.” He was talented, almost as talented as Dare. In a few years, Zayn might surpass him.

He grabbed the Teflon gauze we used to cover new tats.

“Can I see, um, closer?” Avery stood beside me.

“You, yes.” I stuck my thumb over my shoulder. “Not Mark.”

He chuckled behind me.

“Did it hurt?”

Why is it always the first question?

“Pain’s part of life. Get over it already. With this, I can always remember the way I feel right now. The lesson of now.”

“All your tats tombstones?” Zayn met my gaze in the mirror.

Tombstone
was a word some artists used for tattoos that were lessons or markers of a specific time.

I nodded my confirmation while Zayn taped the gauze in place. I slipped my shirt on.

“Can I take off?” I glanced up at him.

“Yeah, see ya tomorrow. Be good.” He held up a hand in a wave.

Avery followed me upstairs, asking a thousand questions about tattoos. I tried to be patient. Today had sucked, and patience was in short supply.

Barely able to focus at Blue’s, I ended up leaving early. Once I’d told the girls Dare had been in the shop, they didn’t ask any more questions. I took a book to bed, but suddenly reading about love held no appeal.

I lay in bed waiting for sleep to claim me, but it didn’t for a long time.

* * *

Dare parked his bike in front of the shop the next afternoon. Two hours before his appointment.

This was awkward, but I had to get over it.

He smiled when he walked in, and I stopped breathing.

“Heard you got new work.” He bent his head toward the gauze that peeked out of my T-shirt.

“Yeah, a new flower.” I forced the words out, hoping they sounded normal.

“Perfect choice.” His gaze lingered on my tits and my nipples tightened. “Great work on the flyers. Rebel’s making copies and putting up the ones for Ardmore.”

My heart raced. His approval made happiness swell in me. “Thanks.”

Then he walked past me, no flare or intense stares, and definitely no broken heart hiding under the surface. Maybe I’d imagined more than was real. Part of me yearned to throw myself at his feet and beg forgiveness.

But I had some restraint.

I walled all the crap up tight, sealed it and locked it in a chest and threw it in the dark hole with all my other garbage. I smiled until my cheeks hurt.

Every damn biker stopped and spent time at the shop today, but instead of reassuring me, pain throbbed in my chest because I knew most were lining up to claim me. Gimp, Jericho, Bear, Romeo and Thorn treated me the same. I remained Mama to them. Thorn showed me a new reaper Zayn had added to his arm, and a barbwire necklace bisected his Adam’s apple.

“Looking good, Thorn.”

“You want...” He shook his head.

“I’m Bear’s property now, but thanks for the offer.”

He grinned at me and turned into an entirely different man with a smile.

During a moment when my domain emptied, I swallowed gulps of water trying to smooth out my emotions from the stream of bikers.

“You need to pick.” Angel sneered at me. “Not good to be unclaimed. Bad for the club. Bad for you.”

I pressed my lips together and walked past her.

“He’s done with you. He never goes back.” Her words chased me down the hall. “Already fucked you out of his system.”

I kept my walk slow and stopped to chat with Rock and Dare as I passed through the tat room on my way to the supply closet. Once inside I rested my forehead on the cool metal shelf. I gritted my teeth and stuffed her words away with everything else.

Days passed, and I wished it hurt less, but it didn’t. As the weekend grew near, Thanksgiving was the topic on everyone’s lips. MJ called and asked me to cook, but I lied and told her I had plans with Avery, which could have been true. She’d invited me to her house for Thanksgiving, but I’d refused her offer too.

I wished I had a family, but Dare had been my only family.

I bought five mysteries to read since romance was off the table for a while. Thanksgiving Day, I ate junk food, not turning on my stove, and read a mystery. Around six, I heard a thumping below me.

Who is here?

Creeping down the stairs as silently as possible, I opened the door and moved down the small hall. I peeked into the workroom. Dare sat in a barber’s chair, a bottle of whiskey in hand. I slid down the wall until I sat. I should leave, but my legs refused to move. My gaze was glued to him, and I wasn’t strong enough to look away or brave enough to walk into the room.

He stared at the ceiling and drank the whiskey. His shaggy hair was messed up, like when he woke up in the morning. The club’s Thanksgiving meal should be served right now. Why wasn’t he there?

Had he come to see me?

No. He thought I’d left. I’d made sure everyone heard I’d be at Avery’s.

I ached at the sight of him like this because I’d caused the rift. Eventually I stood up and crept away. His mood probably had nothing to do with me. The holidays sucked for lots of people, including me.

Friday I spent with Glory and Avery and the rest of the girls shopping in Oklahoma City. I experienced the Black Friday madness for the first time. Avery laughed, loving the chaos. We all wore Santa hats, and I admit I had fun buying presents. I decided this Christmas would be different.