Endure (6 page)

Rayna hugged me. “I know you wanted to see him, but you almost died, Chase.”

“I…” Our bodies were pressed together and my tensions faded. “I didn’t just want to talk to him, I
needed
to. Why was he there? The Fade is for unblessed souls.”

“All half-demons are unblessed souls. They were never meant to exist. They turn to ash so they can’t have proper burial rites. They can never be welcomed into the Otherworld with the gods. Demons are half-breeds, abominations of the gods. Turning to ash is our curse.”

“No, that’s not true,” I said, trying to fight my exhaustion. “I’ve killed pure bloods, and they all turn to ash!”

“Only Ithreal’s pure bloods do. One of things I learned in the Fade is that he is a cruel god, Chase. It’s an ironic and harsh trick that his creatures burn. He would never allow his beasts to enter the heavens and be associated with the other gods. Instead, his creatures’ souls are doomed to wander the Fade forever. A place that the gods, even Ithreal himself, cannot enter.”

“Willy deserves better than that.”

“I know.” Silence drifted around us and Rayna squeezed me tighter, burying her face in my neck. We stood there for a moment and I could feel her shaking.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Rayna pulled away, only enough that her words weren’t muffled by my body. “I miss him. I wanted to let you see him, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to lose you too.”

I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “You’re not going to lose me. You’ve had my back since the beginning. You’ve made sure I stayed alive and now you have to suffer the consequences: you’re stuck with me.”

Rayna let out a half-laugh and hugged me. “Good.”

Chapter 6

Rayna’s head lay heavy on my chest with her arms draped across my stomach. The world around me was still asleep and I didn’t dare open my eyes. To open them meant to return to a world that held pain and sadness woven with defeat. It meant facing the battles we’d lost and struggling to find the desire to strike forward. I couldn’t go back there. Not yet.

Deep breaths whispered from Rayna’s lips but she remained still. She couldn’t get closer to me—her body molded alongside mine—and if I listened, I could hear her heart’s rhythmic pulse. I tried to remember what I had dreamed about. I knew it was about my mom, but I couldn’t quite grasp it. She seemed right there on the edge of my thoughts. It hadn’t been a good dream; it was a nightmare. Black claws had torn my mother away from me and thrown her into a pit of darkness. I already feared the thought of opening my eyes and facing reality, but I also feared doing so would cause that last bit of the dream to slip away. I didn’t want to lose her again. I wanted to pull her from that darkness.

Riley’s voice struck through my mind, but it was distant and the words were muffled. His face floated behind my eyelids and black lines split from his pupils, seeping over his skin. His arrogance was a full-bodied presence that pulled at his lips and as he smirked, an intense power vibrated from his body.

“I know you’re awake, boy. Get up.” The image shattered and Grams voice was a harsh whisper against my ear, sputtering cigarette-scented spit across my cheek.

“What?” I whispered, finding Grams’s inches away from my face.

“I said get up. We’re taking a walk. Don’t wake the kitty.”

With Rayna completely out of it, I carefully slid my body out from beneath her, resting her head on the pillow. The door creaked as I closed it, and Grams picked up a bag off the floor and shoved it against me.

“Marcus brought this for you. You smell like sweat and dead rabbit ass. Put on something clean and meet me outside.”

My stomach clenched at her demand, revolting inside my body. Grams’s veiny legs waddled down the hallway and her heels clacked against each wooden step as she descended the stairs.

I pulled a clean shirt over my head, applied the stick of deodorant to cover my own stink, and took an extra moment to enjoy the smell. My jeans had been covered in dirt and blood and I’d been without a shirt for days, although it felt like weeks. I pulled on a new pair of cargo pants and looped the belt through. I’d lost weight and it seemed like everything I owned was too big. After I pulled on fresh socks and clean shoes, I felt like a new person, but the hole inside me wasn’t filled with the scent of clean laundry or the feeling of dry clothes. It was an empty pit of sadness and regret.

“Hurry up,” Grams said from the bottom of the stairs. Her voice made me feel queasy. I ran both hands through my greasy hair and took a deep breath before moving downstairs. “Follow me.”

Grams led me down a small incline and onto a beaten dirt path. Her heels squished into the freshly moistened earth, but she walked unfazed across the uneven terrain. Her pace was slow and she didn’t say a word.

Tension in the air seemed to ripen with every step until it rubbed against my skin. Grams trudged over a fallen log and continued forward. Either she didn’t feel it or she didn’t care, but I couldn’t take it any longer.

“Where are we going?” I asked, but there was no response.

Puffs of breath pooled into the air. It was late November and I couldn’t remember the last time we’d made it this far into the month without snow. The air was crisp and winter’s grasp was close. The blue sky was a welcomed sight to what I’d seen in Vortan. Regardless of the circumstances, I took comfort in knowing I was home, even if everything reminded me of Willy. His face was carved into the bark on each tree I passed and his voice stuttered in the wind. The shadows on the ground looked like his mess of hair, and the rainbow of crinkled leaves that rolled over the earth reminded me of how his skin would change colors.

The sound of water splashed in the distance and Grams didn’t hesitate as she stepped through the thin space between bushes. The branches scraped my arms when I followed, stepping out on a rocky beach. Ripples of water rode in from a huge lake, weaving their way through the stones that covered the ground. Seeing the water between the rocks gave me the horrible feeling of
deja
vu.

It was only a few nights ago, but it was so fresh I could taste the rain. It splashed against my skin and sulfur and salt whirled around me. The sound of Willy’s snarl as he jumped from the shadows to protect me had been spine-chilling. That was the beginning of the end for him, and the image of his ashes floating between the gravel made me woozy.

As the image faded I could feel Grams’s eyes upon me. When I looked up, I realized they were red and puffy, and she looked even more disheveled than usual.

“So out with it,” Grams said.

“Out with it?” I asked, feigning confusion. I knew what she wanted, but I hoped I was wrong.

“Tell me how he died.”

Dammit. This was one of the few moments in my life I hated myself for being right. Grams stepped closer and my stomach twisted. I knew the power that aged shell contained and I hoped she didn’t plan on using it.

“Tell me what happened. What happened to my William?”

“I thought Marcus explained it to you.”

“You were
there
, Chase. I want to hear it from you.”

My eyebrows lifted and my forehead creased. I didn’t want to tell her. I didn’t want to relive it. Although she was old, she was intimidating and I feared her reaction.

“Those souls really did make you stronger, didn’t they?” Grams asked. “I can usually pluck the thoughts right out of your head, but not now. Your shields are resilient. I can
feel
the power vibrating off you. All that magic, yet you stand here looking afraid. Why?”

“You already hate me, I don’t want to give you more reason to.”

“Did you kill him?” White mist pooled from her lips and I had only just realized how chilly the air had become.

“I—”

“Did you pull a blade across his neck?”

“No.”

“Then don’t talk like that. I’m not angry
with
you, but I need to hear it
from
you. I need to know what happened. You can give me that closure.” The awkward tension closed in around me. When she spoke again, her voice was somber. “Did he feel much pain?”

I stopped trying to move away. Grams’s frayed hair fluttered in the wind that cut around us. It was cold coming off the lake and it settled in my bones. The relief I’d felt from freshly laundered clothes was gone. She deserved closure, didn’t she?

“It was quick…for him,” I said. My voice was just above a whisper and my eyes focused on the rocks beneath me.

“What else?”

My chest tightened and I looked out over the lake, as though it could help me. The water trickled onto the shore close to my feet, and then it was sucked back. The air was wet, tasting like moist dirt and leaves. The sky was cloudless and as much as I tried to let my mind wander, Grams’s gaze was strong and focused. It became a physical presence, bearing down on me with intense gravity. I couldn’t avoid it any longer. She deserved to know.

“A portal had opened in the middle of the street, and Riley walked out with the Dark Brothers. I had the power of the soul piece, but I was scared, so I told Willy to go.”

“Why?”

“I knew Riley couldn’t kill me. I was safe, but Willy wasn’t. He was my best friend, but he didn’t deserve to be in that fight. I wanted him to go. I didn’t want to drag him into more of my problems. I’d done that enough already.”

I couldn’t read the look on Grams’s face. I thought it was sympathy at first, but then she appeared angry.

“For once, Willy actually did what I told him and I went on to face Riley, but even with the soul piece, I wasn’t fast enough. The Brothers and Riley caught me, and Willy...he came back and tried to save me.”

“How’d he do it?”

I shook my head.

“How’d he do it gods dammit?” Grams anger snapped around me, her magic prickling against my skin.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

The rain was falling hard and Riley stood behind Willy. Black tendrils drifted from his back, swaying from one side to the other. His blue eyes were gone, replaced by solid black orbs and flashes of light that flickered in the darkness. I ran forward, but I wasn’t fast enough. His fingers flexed, his arms twisted, and the snap echoed through the rain.

“No!” I screamed, tearing my eyelids open and rejecting the image.

Grams jumped back, her eyes open wide. We stared at each other for a long moment and I whispered, “He broke his neck.”

A soft whimper came from Grams’s lips and she stumbled backward. She regained her footing and caught herself, walking over to a large rock and sitting down. Her hand trembled over her lips and her eyes welled up with tears, creating a milky blue that stared out at the lake.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “Gods, I’m so sorry.”

Silence filled the air and the image of Riley breaking Willy’s neck replayed through my mind. I didn’t want to do this again. I tried to occupy my thoughts with something else, anything else. Voices began to whisper in my ear.

Why didn’t you stop him?

Ithreal will be freed because of your failure.

We’re running out of time. Help us!

He is a fool; do not encourage his weakness.

I started pacing. My eyes darted from the rocky beach, to the forest, and then the lake, trying to stay away from the images and voices that clawed through my mind.
 

“Chase,” Grams voice was soft, but I ignored it. I was focused. “Chase,” she said again.

“Don’t say it,” I said, shaking my head.

“It’s not your fault.”

I stopped, fire filling my eyes. The forest, the lake, and the rocks beneath my feet all became red. Fire spilled out over my soul like a volcanic eruption, molten lava filling my veins and rushing through my body, but it had nowhere to go. I was in complete control now. The magic wasn’t tearing itself out of me and I wasn’t releasing it. It cycled through me, forcing sweat to form in my palms and searing my body from the inside out. I didn’t wince, I welcomed the pain and the distraction it brought.

“The hell it’s not. I know it, you know it, and the gods know it. I wasn’t fast enough, I wasn’t strong enough, and I wasn’t smart enough. If I had been smart, I’d have left all of you behind and done this on my own. Then Riley would have had nothing left to take from me.”

“You’re a stupid son of a bitch, you know that?”

The red that tainted my vision washed away in a wave of surprise, and the first color to return was the blue of her eyes.

Grams sauntered toward me, streaks of tears staining her pale skin. “You’re a stupid kid, so let me impart some wisdom on you. Sometimes in life we have to bear a weight, one that’s heavier than anything we should be able to manage. In your case, the weight of the worlds. But you’re lucky, Chase—you have people determined to help you carry it. They’re the pillars that hold up things around you. Don’t disregard their efforts because someone got hurt. We all knew what we were getting into and Willy is no exception. So don’t stand there and give me this self-loathing, down-on-his-luck bullshit.”

“What the hell am I supposed to feel? My best friend just died, and—”