Emma (12 page)

But I wouldn’t rely on that; I was going to stand on my own two feet from now on. I glanced at myself. It was a pity I’d bought this costume. I ought to pay Mrs Henty the money I owed before I left, but that wouldn’t leave sufficient for me to keep myself going while I looked for work. No, I would have to send the money when I found a job.

I refused to dwell on the difficulties of my situation or on the hard knot of grief in my breast. If I let myself think about Paul and the way he had let me down I would go mad, so I wouldn’t think about it, not now. I had to make plans for myself and my child. For the first time I began to think of the baby growing inside me as a person.

I was going to have a baby! Despite all the trouble it was going to cause me, I felt a warm glow. It was what I had always wanted – children and a place of my own.

But until now I’d thought there would be a husband to love and care for me. Once again the tightness in my throat almost choked me. How could I go on? What did anything matter now that Paul had deserted me? A wave of self-pity washed over me but I fought it down. I wasn’t going to give in. No matter how much it hurt!

My head went up once more. I began to make plans. I would tell my mother first and then leave. My eyes pricked with tears of shame. She was going to be so disappointed in me.

‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ I whispered. ‘I’m so sorry.’

A new worry started to creep into my mind. I could escape – but what about my mother? Would Father take it out on her when he discovered I had gone?

Perhaps it would be all right if he thought I had simply run off to find a new job. He would be angry but not as much as if he knew the truth. I didn’t want Mum to suffer in my stead.

I frowned, twisting the handle of my bag nervously. Jonathan Reece had put the idea into my head but he didn’t know what Father was like. He had such a temper. He might take it out on my mother if I ran off – but what else could I do?

I mustn’t waver! I would wait until the weekend, then slip away when Father thought I was in church and catch the train to London that afternoon.

‘Emma,’ Mother called to me as I came upstairs. ‘Thank goodness you’re home! Your father has been up for his supper – and he was very cross when I had to tell him you weren’t back.’

‘I’m sorry, Mum. The train was late – there was a delay of some kind on the line. Signals down or something.’

I went into my bedroom to take off my costume and hang it in the wardrobe, slipping into one of my working skirts and blouses. She followed me to the door, standing there to watch as I ran a comb through my hair.

‘You’ve been crying. Your eyes are red.’

‘Yes.’ I turned to look at her. ‘I told you I was going to see Paul. He wasn’t there but his mother was. She told me he has gone away.’

‘Without letting you know? That wasn’t very nice of him. I thought he had better manners. I’m disappointed in him. What did Mrs Greenslade say to you?’

‘She thought I was someone else. She wasn’t very nice.’

‘I thought you had met her before, when he took you to that concert?’

I shook my head, cheeks firing.

‘No. She wasn’t at the house – and we didn’t go to the concert. Paul played records of classical music so I could say I had been listening to it.’ I raised my head, tears hovering on my lashes. ‘I’m sorry, Mum. I hated lying to you. I believed we were going to the concert and then tea with his mother. Honestly. I didn’t deliberately deceive you.’

‘So Paul took you to his house and his parents weren’t there?’

‘No one was there – except his cousin. He dropped by for a few minutes to talk to Paul.’ I lowered my gaze, not wanting to look at her. ‘I met his cousin again today. He was very kind. He lent me some money for my fare back to the station and told me Paul had a new job in America. He isn’t like Mrs Greenslade. His name is Jonathan Reece and—’

‘Emma!’ The unusual sharpness in my mother’s voice made me falter. ‘Stop rattling on about nothing. What happened that afternoon?’

I shot a quick look at her and then away as I saw the expression in her eyes. She was hurt, anxious and disappointed – and that made me feel worse than anything else. Even the knowledge that Paul had deserted me hadn’t been as hard to accept as this.

‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ I whispered. ‘I know I shouldn’t have. It was wrong and silly but—’ Tears trickled down my cheeks as I raised my eyes to meet hers. ‘He wanted to and I loved him. I loved him so much I let him do what he …’

‘Oh, Emma.’

‘Please don’t hate me,’ I begged. ‘I love you, Mum. I know I’ve let you down and I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.’

‘You’ve let yourself down, Emma.’

‘Yes, I know.’ A sob escaped me. ‘I wish I hadn’t.’

‘If your father suspected—’ She gasped as she suddenly guessed why I had gone to see Paul that afternoon. ‘No! Oh, my God! What are we going to do? Harold will be furious.’

‘I know. I’m sorry. Paul said he would marry me. I believed him.’

‘There’s no chance of that, I suppose?’

‘No. I should have known, Mum. His family would never have allowed it even if …’ I blinked rapidly but warded off another bout of weeping. ‘His cousin is going to make him pay me something for the child’s keep.’

Mother frowned. ‘What are you saying? Harold will make your life a misery but he won’t throw you out. He wouldn’t want to pay anyone else to do your work.’

‘He doesn’t have to know, Mum. I could go away and find myself a job somewhere else. If Paul helps me to keep the child, I need not stay here.’

‘Supposing he won’t? Do you realize how hard things could get? Bringing up a child alone isn’t easy.’

‘Yes.’ I looked her in the eyes. ‘I know it won’t be easy, but it’s better than staying here and having Father take it out on us both. It might not be so bad if he thinks I’ve gone off because I’m not satisfied with my wages.’

‘He would raise the roof …’ She was thoughtful for a moment. ‘I could give you a pound or two. Nothing much, but enough to pay your fare and rent for a week or two.’

‘I’ve got five pounds. Mr Reece lent it to me. I shall pay him back when Paul gives me the money.’

‘Oh, Emma.’ My mother started to cry softly. ‘I never thought this would happen to you … not you.’

‘I’m sorry, Mum. Please forgive me. Please!’

She held her arms open and I moved into them. We embraced, both weeping.

‘I shall miss you,’ she said, ‘but I think perhaps it’s best that you go. If you are set on going it should be quickly, before your father finds out—’

‘Finds out what?’ The harsh, angry voice made us both freeze. Mother released me as we both swung round, staring into Father’s cold, hard eyes. ‘Running away, Emma? Don’t I pay you enough?’ His gaze narrowed as I remained silent. ‘Or is there another reason for this sudden flight? Perhaps I can guess.’

He took a step towards me, raising his fist as if to hit me. I retreated two steps, but continued to face him defiantly. Something in my eyes must have made him hesitate, because he merely shook his fist at me, his expression one of disgust. ‘You deserve a thrashing, you little slut! I’ve a good mind to take my belt to you.’

‘No, Harold!’ my mother cried. ‘Don’t you dare hit her. I’ll leave you and take her with me if you do.’

‘Leave? You?’ He turned disbelieving eyes on her. ‘You haven’t the courage to walk out on me. You never did have.’

‘I mean it, Harold.’

He moved towards her, his lips curled in a sneer. I thought he was going to hit her and I rushed towards him, but he pushed me away and turned his blazing eyes on her.

‘You bitch!’ he snarled. ‘Do you think I don’t know why you married me? It wasn’t the money, was it? It was the bastard you were carrying in your belly. You were frightened of the gossips. You married me rather than let everyone know your shame.’

‘No! That isn’t true,’ she cried, her face proud despite the fear in her eyes. ‘I’ve sworn it enough times, Harold. Emma
is
your daughter. I tripped and fell – that’s why she was born early. I give you my word she
is
yours. Fetch the Bible and I’ll swear on it again if you wish.’

‘You’re a lying whore – just like your daughter.’

He gave her a rough push towards the door, making her stumble and almost fall.

‘Get out of here. I want to talk to Emma alone.’

She struggled but he was too strong for her. She was forcibly ejected and the door locked behind her. She beat against it with her fists, screaming at him defiantly.

‘If you hurt her I shall leave you – and I’ll tell everyone what kind of a man you really are. I’ll blacken your name in this town, Harold Robinson. I mean it! See if your customers will buy from you then. People will spit at you in the street!’

‘Be quiet, woman. I’ll deal with you later.’

‘Don’t hurt her,’ I said as he turned to me. ‘Please, Father. This isn’t her fault. It’s mine. I know I’ve done wrong. If you want to take it out on someone – make it me. Thrash me with your belt. I deserve it.’

His eyes narrowed. ‘It’s what I ought to do. I ought to break your neck before I let you bring shame on my name.’

‘Do it. I deserve it.’ I met his glaring look without flinching. ‘If you don’t, I shall leave this house in the morning.’

‘You won’t leave, nor will your mother. I’ll make certain of that. You will stay in this room until I decide what to do about this.’

‘Why don’t you let us leave? Since you hate us both so much.’

‘And have the whole town laughing at me?’ He shook his head. ‘The only reason I didn’t throw your mother out years ago was because I had my pride. She cheated me of my rights, Emma. I could have thrown her out, shown her up for what she was – but I’m not one for washing my dirty linen in public.’

‘She made a mistake.’ I looked at him, searching for any hint of softness in his face, any kindness. ‘Couldn’t you have found the strength to forgive her?’

‘I might have – if she’d shown any sign of caring.’ His eyes narrowed. ‘You’ll not get round me, Emma. I’ll not have you flaunting your shame to the world.’

‘You can’t keep me locked up forever.’

‘Who’s to stop me? Be sensible, girl!’ He glared at me, torn between frustration and his determination to have his way. ‘Let’s sort this business out as best we can. You’re not much use to me here are you? I want you back in the shop where you belong.’

‘I don’t want to work for you.’

‘Then you’ll stay here until you come to your senses!’

He took a step towards me and I thought he was going to hit me. Then he shook his head.

‘No. I’m not going to make it that easy for you, Emma. It’s her I’ll punish. Remember that. Every time you defy me she suffers.’

‘That isn’t fair. She isn’t strong. You know that.’

‘Think on it. I’ll give you until the morning to come to your senses. Work for me, and I’ll treat her fair, same as I always have. She would have had worse treatment from some, believe me. A lady of leisure she’s always been, with a woman to come in and do the heavy work. There’s not many of her friends can claim that, for all her grumbling.’

I looked at him and wondered if he had loved her at the beginning. Perhaps all the faults had not been on his side. How was I to know? I had never asked him why he was so harsh with her. I had thought him hard and uncaring, but it must have hurt him to know she had never really loved him.

‘I know that, Father. It’s just …’ I shook my head, refusing to plead with him. However hurt he might have been in the past, he had no need to threaten her because of what I’d done. I looked at him resentfully. ‘You don’t have the right to force me to work for you.’

‘Don’t I?’ His mouth hardened and I knew he was angry again. ‘Think of it from my side for once. I’ve looked after the both of you, and many a man would have treated you worse. You’ve got until morning, Emma. After that I’ll start punishing
her
for your sins.’

He went to the door, unlocked it and showed me the key. ‘This stays in my pocket until you give me your word you’ll do whatever I decide is best.’

‘You can’t do that!’

‘Just watch me.’

Mother opened the door, her face pale, eyes desperate.

‘Emma,’ she cried. ‘Don’t give into his blackmail—’

He grabbed her by the arm, pushing her back out of the door again.

‘Don’t hurt her! Please,’ I begged, tears starting to my eyes. I was desperate to stop all this anger and bitterness, and I knew I had deserved my father’s anger. ‘I will work for you, if that’s what you want. I shan’t leave. I promise. I promise, Father.’

He gave my mother a shove backwards: she lost her balance, fell to the floor in the hallway and lay there gasping for breath. Father stared at her for a moment, and I thought there was a hint of pain in his eyes as he reached out and pulled her roughly back to her feet, but the pain – if it was ever there – was replaced by anger as he looked at me again.

‘I’m locking you in for the night,’ he said quietly. ‘Think about this, Emma. Think about what happens if you break your word. If you run off behind my back I’ll find you, I promise. I’ll find you one day. And you’ll both regret it.’

I closed my eyes as he locked the door behind him. He was determined to keep me here, and it seemed I had no choice.

I sank to my knees on the floor, all the defiance crushed out of me. I had always known my father had a violent temper. But until this evening, I had not suspected the awful truth behind his harsh treatment of both me and my mother.

Harold Robinson did not believe I was his child.

At last my tears had dried. I had hardly slept all night and now felt drained of emotion, frightened and unwell. What was I going to do – what could I do? I knew Father would eventually have to let me out of my bedroom, because I was of very little use to him locked in here, but that wouldn’t change my situation much.

We could go to the police, of course, but I doubted we would get much help. Angry husbands often made threats against their wives and children, especially when the daughter had brought shame on their name. The police would probably advise me to go home and tell my father I was sorry. Harold Robinson might not be liked but he
was
respected in the town. And he hadn’t beaten me: he was far too clever for that. He knew there were ways of making us suffer without the kind of brutality that would give us cause to seek protection from the police.