Emerson's Fury : L.B. Pavlov (20 page)

I switched the subject to Thanksgiving and asked my mom who all would be joining us for dinner that year. I had a flashback of last Thanksgiving with Cross, and I pushed it away as quickly as it came. My parents seemed thrilled that I was still coming home for Thanksgiving. I hoped that they would stop pushing me to talk by that time.

Hannah and I had grown very close, and I was so happy that she was my roommate. We had so much fun together, and she listened to me talk and cry about Cross on many occasions. I spoke to Paisley and Mila daily on the phone; I missed them so much. C. J. was at Notre Dame, and we would be getting together over Thanksgiving break back at home.

I had been asked out a couple of times by a few guys. One of the guys was a teammate, Tim, and I felt bad turning him down. I just told him that I had a rule not to date teammates. I didn’t really have a rule before I said that, but it was now an official rule and a great excuse if a teammate asked me out. Another guy who had asked me to dinner was a lacrosse player and lived in my dorm. His name was Jax, and he actually seemed like a really funny and nice guy. But I had no desire to date. We had agreed to become friends, and I liked him a lot—but only as a friend. People seemed preoccupied with the fact that I didn’t date, and they were always trying to set me up with friends.

I wrote every night in my journal about how much I missed Cross. It was a great way to get my feelings out without making someone nauseated. I could never tell my parents how I felt. I knew my heart would never heal. I wrote about everything that I loved about Cross, so as time passed I could always go back if I forgot the little things. I wrote about his eyes and the way that he looked at me. I wrote about his strong hands and the way that they grasped mine, and I wrote about how in one simple movement he could make me feel safe. I wrote about his smile and how perfectly beautiful it was to me. I wrote about how special
I felt when I was with him and how much I longed for him to jump a fence to help me after my races. But all of that was over, and the realization was so heavy, I had to push that thought away. I wondered how he was doing at school. I was following his football games online, and he was having an amazing season. I was so proud of him. But I would never be able to tell him that.

My days were pretty ordinary. I hung out with friends, and time was passing. I spent my afternoons at practice, and as our season was ending, our friendships were just beginning. We had all grown very close, and we spent a lot of time together outside of practice. Jax was good friends with Clark, who was on our cross-country team, and so Jax was hanging out with all of us a lot. We were actually becoming good friends, and he loved to tell everyone how I had rejected him at the beginning of the school year. Even I had to laugh at the way he told the story, and he made it so much worse than it was.

Our last race had approached so quickly, I felt like I blinked and our season had ended. My parents, Finn, Indy, and my grandparents had all come to IU to see me race. I took third at the NCAA championships, which was beyond my expectations for my freshman season. I was very pleased, as it was the first time I had run cross-country and had been a great experience. I had pushed myself harder than I ever had before, and when I came through the finish chute, I think I actually hallucinated a little. I heard Cross’s voice cheering me on, and as I lay on the ground gasping, I felt as if he was pulling me up. Once I got up and started breathing, I realized it was all in my mind. I couldn’t wait to push myself again just for those few seconds of bliss I got from thinking he was there with me. My parents were very proud of my first season in college, and I was happy to have them there.

“I saw you throw out your elbows, Em,” my dad said proudly after the race.

“That girl has tried to push me around before. I needed to let her know that was the last time it would happen,” I said, laughing.

“Yeah, but your elbow was closer to her thigh than it was to her side. She was like a foot taller than you!” Finn said, laughing hysterically.

“It doesn’t matter where you shove back, it just matters that you let them know you won’t tolerate being pushed,” I said adamantly, ignoring his enjoyment over the fact that I was a little smaller than most of the girls I was racing.

“I’m proud of you, sweetie,” my mom said, squeezing my hand. She truly was. I always felt that with my parents, and I appreciated it.

It was great to see everyone and visit with my grandparents. We had a nice dinner before they all headed home. I was thrilled that we had had an entire day
without my dad bringing up Blane DiAmico. Maybe he was making progress. My parents slyly tried to find out if I was socializing, dating, or making friends through their intentionally casual questioning. I assured them that everything was fine, and I would be home in a few days for Thanksgiving.

When I went back to my dorm room, a group of students was hanging out in the common area. I stopped in to visit. Hannah was introducing me to a few people whom I hadn’t met yet. I looked up and caught Jax staring, and he smiled and winked when we met eyes. He was a charming guy, and under different circumstances, I may have actually found him attractive. He walked over and sat down.

“Congratulations on your race, Emerson. Very impressive for a freshman,” he said with a grin.

“If I get third as a sophomore, is it not impressive?” I asked, laughing.

He smirked. “No, it’s impressive for anyone.”

“Thanks. It was a fun season,” I said sincerely. I couldn’t believe that I had made it through my first season in college and would start training for track soon.

“Can I ask you something?” he said quietly, making sure no one else could hear him.

“Sure,” I said curiously.

“If you don’t have a boyfriend, why won’t you go on a date with me?” he asked boldly, and he caught me off guard by just putting it all out there.

“Oh. Um. Hmmmmm. Good question. Well, I need to focus on cross-country and school. So I don’t want to get distracted by a boyfriend, I guess. Yes, that’s exactly why,” I said, folding my hands confidently, waiting to see if my answer was acceptable.

“That’s so lame! Cross-country is over. And you can still focus on school when you have a boyfriend, fool,” he said, laughing.

“Did you really just call me a fool?” I said with surprise.

“I believe I did,” he said, meeting my eyes directly.

“Well, cross-country just ended today. And you asked me out several weeks ago. I was focused on it at the time,” I said, feeling quite confident with my comeback.

“OK, then what if I ask you out today?” he retorted. Jax clearly had no problem getting dates. He was very charming, and obviously he was persistent.

“Why would you want to go out with a fool?” I asked sarcastically.

“Because I like you,” he said, suddenly becoming more serious.

“Jax, I like you too. But I just want to be friends right now. I hope you can understand that,” I said nervously, feeling awkward that he had asked again.

“I don’t understand, but we can be friends for now. I will ask you again after we get back from Thanksgiving break. So you better come up with a better excuse,” he warned me, laughing.

I wondered why I wouldn’t go out with him. It wasn’t like Cross and I were ever going to get back together. We didn’t even speak. Yet it felt as if I would be cheating on him to ever go on a date with someone else. I touched my necklace around my neck, and I heard his voice in my head saying, “I love you to the moon and back.” I felt my heart ache. I wondered if he’d ever really loved me or if it was all in my imagination. I knew that I would never feel anything for anyone else, but I would probably have to date again at some point in my life. For the moment, I could just blame school and track. That should buy me some time, I thought.

Thanksgiving had come and gone, and I was glad that I had stayed at school. My grandparents weren’t up for cooking that year, and I didn’t want to risk a visit from my mother. I stayed at school and had dinner with Greg’s family, who had flown in for the long weekend. He had a great family, and they were very kind to me. The rest of the weekend, I just caught up on my schoolwork, and I worked out a lot.

My football season was going really well, and I was in the best shape of my life. I had completely stopped drinking, and I was feeling much better about myself. I knew that John was right, and I didn’t want to blow my shot at Notre Dame by following in my mother’s footsteps. I was still going out with my teammates all the time; I just didn’t drink, and no one seemed to notice at all.

I thought about Emerson every day. I wondered how she was doing at school. I wondered if she ever thought about me. I had followed her cross-country season online, and she had had an amazing freshman season. She was so talented, and I missed watching her race. I looked at the symbol of the E and the C that I had tattooed on my arm, and I was happy to have it there. I would never love anyone the way that I had loved her, and I was thankful to have the tattoo to remind me of her daily.

Greg was on his computer, looking up the results from his girlfriend Julia’s volleyball tournament. Julia went to school out in Michigan, and they had played Indiana University over the weekend for the finals.

“Dude, check out this girl,” he said, turning his computer toward me. She was on the cover of the Indiana University website for placing third in the
NCAA championships for cross-country. The photo showed Emerson crossing the finish line. “She’s pretty hot, huh?” he said innocently. I felt my blood start to boil, and Greg wasn’t saying it disrespectfully at all. It was more of an observation. “She’s Daniel Hollingsworth’s daughter. I’m sure you know him, being from Indiana, right? His daughter’s a big superstar too,” he said admiringly.

“Yes. I know him. Emerson is my ex-girlfriend,” I said quietly as I stared at her picture on the computer. I literally ached as I looked at her. Every part of me missed her. She looked incredible. I could stare at her forever.

“Shut the front door!” Greg shouted with laughter in his voice. “You dated Emerson-freaking-Hollingsworth? You never thought to mention that?”

“I don’t like to talk about it,” I said, feeling a lump form in my throat as I continued to stare at the computer.

“Dude! She’s so hot! What’s her dad like? Is he cool? He’s my favorite quarterback and has been pretty much my entire life. That guy had the run of a lifetime, right?” he asked innocently.

“Yes, he’s a great guy,” I said, turning his computer back toward him.

“Why did you guys break up?” he asked curiously.

Hmmmmm…probably didn’t want to tell him that my father attempted to murder her mother. That didn’t seem like a logical answer or one that would allow the conversation to ever end. “Long story. Left for school. Bad timing. That kind of thing,” I said vaguely.

“No wonder you don’t want to date anyone here!” he said, laughing. “How does someone follow Emerson Hollingsworth?”

I stared at him. That certainly was the million-dollar question for me. “They don’t,” I said quietly, and I rolled over on my bed and closed my eyes, trying to block out my pain.

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c h a p t e r    e i g h t e e n

I arrived home for Christmas vacation about an hour after Indy had made it home. We’d timed it so we would be home around the same time. Indy hadn’t been home much since school had started either. We were both hopeful that our dad was starting to get over the paranoia. Alan was forced to follow me all the way home before he could officially go on Christmas vacation. The five guys my dad had watching our house would apparently suffice while we were all home. As I got out of the car, I walked toward the car behind mine to thank Alan for following me.

He stepped out of the car to meet me. “Are you happy to be home, Ms. Hollingsworth?” he asked kindly.

“Are you ever going to stop calling me that?” I said, laughing. I had asked him numerous times to call me Emerson.

“Probably not,” he said, smiling.

“Why don’t you come in and have some dinner?” I said, feeling awful that he had to turn around and drive back home.

“No thank you, but I appreciate the offer. I will grab something on the road. Have a merry Christmas, and I will see you back at school in two weeks. Ron is following you back, I believe,” he added with concern.

“Of course he is. I don’t think I will ever go anywhere alone again,” I said sardonically. I thought made me sad and angry at the same time.

“It’s just temporary. This will pass. Try to remember that,” he said, and he gave me a wink. Alan and I had become friends over the weeks. I figured I should start talking to him if he was going to go everywhere I went. He was such a nice man. I felt guilty that he had to follow me everywhere when nothing ever happened. It was just my dad being paranoid, and it was affecting everyone’s lives.

“I certainly hope you’re right. And I hope you have a merry Christmas, Alan.” I reached into my tote bag and pulled out a present that I had gotten for him.

He looked shocked. “Oh, Ms. Hollingsworth, you shouldn’t have,” he said with surprise. “Shall I open it?”

“Of course you should!” I said, laughing.

As he opened it, I hoped that he would like it. Alan had shared with me that his two sons were hoping that he would take them to the big amusement park a few hours from his home. I had gotten four full-day passes for the four of them along with a gift card that I hoped he would use to help with the hotel, gas, and food.

He stared, stunned, when he realized what it was. “I don’t know what to say,” he said quietly. As he looked up at me, I was surprised to see that his eyes were misty.

“You don’t need to say anything. I appreciate all that you do for me. And you deserve to have a wonderful holiday break,” I said.

He hugged me and said, “Thank you. You are a good kid. And remember, your parents love you. Remember that they are coming from a good place.” When he pulled away, he reached in his jacket and handed me a package. He smiled when he saw that he had surprised me as well.

“You shouldn’t have!” I said, laughing, as I tore into the gift wrap. I opened the box, and inside was a beautiful angel’s wing charm. It was stunning. I gasped at the sight of it as I took it out of the box.