Emerge (27 page)

S
ettled into the comfort of my old bedroom, I’d normally have no trouble going to sleep at this hour, but tonight sleep evades me. My skin is crawling from the inside out and I’m on edge. There’s no Disney movie for this, no band-aid. I decide to call Evan, maybe do a little prep for our talk tomorrow. I can tell he’s been drinking in three words.

“Hey, hot stuff.”

“Hey, Ev, whatcha doing?” I know what he’s doing; I can hear the party in the background. The night before a game, really?

“Just hanging out, you?”

“Nothing, I’ll just talk to you later, I can tell you’re busy. I’ll see you when you get here.”

 “Don’t be mad please, listen, I can’t really hear you, let me call you back,” he yells into the phone, and about ten seconds before I say okay, I hear
her
.

“Get off the phone, Evan, the booty call’s right here.”

Oh hell no—I know that voice. It’s drunken and slurred, but it’s Kaitlyn. Why is he in the same room with her, close enough I can hear her? She destroys me and you hang with her? Evan has
never
blatantly hurt or disrespected me, all these years, but this is a straight shot.

“Fuck you, Evan.” I hang up.

I turn off my phone and go down some Nyquil. I’m done with this day.

Chapter 31

Confessions

~Laney~

D
addy’s up at the crack of dawn, as always. I get up and amble into the kitchen to join him.

“Go sit down, Daddy; I’ll get your breakfast.” We eat together, talking little and I know exactly what will make me feel better. “You feel like going fishing?”

“I sure as hell do, kiddo.”

It’s a great day for it and soon we’re out of worms. My soul feels lighter; I hope his does, too. He’s been all smiles, casting and reeling with gusto all day. I love this time with my dad. He’s such a companionable man. I always wonder how she couldn’t find solace in him, in a life with him. I know he’d have done anything she needed.

We get home at dusk and I clean up and make us tuna casserole. My dad scarfs it down; he’s obviously gone too long without someone cooking for him. He heads to bed early, so I finally turn my phone back on; no one gets to interrupt fishing or Daddy time.

I don’t even open the texts from Evan, I’m still so mad I can’t see straight. I text Zach to see how his game went and then I call Dane back, he’d called once last night and twice today.

“Hey, finally, where you been?”

His voice covers me like a blanket, wrapping me in repose instantly. In that very moment, I know Evan could move into my room and my skin would still tingle when I see, hear, or think of Dane. This isn’t going away.

“I’m sorry, I turned off my phone ‘cause I fished all day with my dad. How are you?”

“Better now that you called. I miss you, baby.”

I miss him, too, surprisingly badly. I just can’t say it out loud, though, so I change the subject. “Tell me about your day. What’d you do last night?” I ask, trying to concentrate on his answer. He could just keep calling me baby over and over; it makes me
crazy
when he says it.

He tells me The Crew hit The Kickback last night and then all went to Zach’s game today, which the Eagles won. Now he was lying in his bed “missing me.”

“Dane, tell me something real. Tell me something as important as everything I tell you.” He
has
to do this, right this minute; it’s vital that he instill some trust in me. The next few sentences out of his mouth are as important as anything he’s ever said to me. I have to know this connection isn’t one-sided and goes deeper than physical attraction.

“You name it, baby, what would you like to know?”

I could probably get “the real number” out of him right now, the one every girl wonders the minute she decides she likes a guy. That’s not really what I want to know. Shoot, who am I kidding, yes I do…but I just can’t ask it. “So, let me think…how about one light and one heavy question, okay?”

“Anything, ask away.” He wouldn’t just agree like this if he didn’t know I’m testing the weight of us before I see Evan. I probably shouldn’t take advantage, but I want to feel close to him, emotionally, right now.

“What’s your middle name?”
Crap,
I’m off my game and jumped the gun. I wasted a coveted question on something I could easily found out elsewhere.

“Dane.”

“Uh…” I know what’s he saying, and want to know his first name, but I can’t ask or he may count it as my second question.

He snickers. “Don’t want to burn a question, huh?”
Scary ESP on this boy.
“Okay, I’ll be nice. My name is Michael Dane Kendrick. I go by Dane, my middle name.”

“I like it, Dane’s a beautiful name. It suits you. Not that Michael isn’t great, too.”

He’s amused by my long-winded response. “Thank you, baby.”

The knock at the door comes and I have to let him go before my “deep” question…of course.

“Laney, please call me when you’re done talking to him, okay?”

“Okay,” I sigh, the dread building up inside of me.

“Seriously, Laney, no matter what time, you call me.”

F
or a split second, the moment I see him, I forget that I’m mad at him. I forget we’re miles apart now. I forget all that I’ve done, become, and experienced without him. He’s so handsome, so familiar. He has bags under his eyes, which aren’t as sparkling blue as usual, but his slight smile still affects me.

“Hey, pretty.”

Look at him, my Tod, my best friend. The righter of wrongs, protector from evil, prom date, first kiss; standing before me in the flesh. Spending only a fraction of the time apart that we’ve spent together, I’ve let another slip in and divide us. How could I be so callous? How could I cast my forever aside so easily?

But it hadn’t been easy, and we had mutually agreed, no…I can’t keep doing this. I can’t feel guilty for feeling, for living; but I can feel guilty about only being completely honest with one of them. I’m about to fix it right now.

“Hey, come on in.” I scoot back to make room for him and close the door behind him. He sits on the couch and rests his arms on his knees, head in his hands. It takes him a while to gather himself and finally look at me where I sit at the opposite end of the couch.

“Laney, I’m so sorry…for so much. I’m sorry for what Kaitlyn did and for what she said last night. That drunk bitch followed me around all night, trying to tell me she loves me, but I didn’t give her the time of day, Laney, I swear. I hate her, you know I do.”

I want to believe him, if just for the sake of our friendship, but part of me doesn’t. “Why didn’t you leave when you saw her there?”

“Why should I leave? That bitch isn’t going to dictate where I go.”

No, just where I go
. “Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and walk away, Evan. Staying just gave her the chance to keep following you, to keep talking to you. If it really bothered you, you would’ve left.” I cross my arms over my chest, eyebrows raised; challenging him to tell me I’m wrong.

He ponders on this a while before speaking. “You’re right. I know you’re right, but I was drunk and not thinking. I’m sorry, Laney, please forgive me.”

“I can’t be friends with you if you continue to allow her opportunities to be around you. I think of it as a direct betrayal.” Yeah, I can hear the hypocrisy in my words, but this is different—the base of everything is true friendship, and I haven’t betrayed that, and he shouldn’t, either. If you blatantly screw Evan over, well then, I’m done with you and I demand the same loyalty in return.

“I agree; it won’t happen again, Laney. I swear.”

“Okay, then I’ll forgive you.” I relax my shoulders. I do believe and forgive him, but I had to make sure he knows how serious I am about my stance.

He moves close to me and puts his arms around me. I can’t help it, I breathe in his scent, soak up his feel and I think of what could have been.

“Can I stay with you tonight? I miss you so much, munchkin. I love you so much, I need to hold you.”

God, what do I do?

“I miss you too, Evan, all the time, but I can’t do the merry-go-round thing anymore. I’m making myself crazy trying to figure out you and me or me and Dane.” Oh shit, it just popped out. I didn’t want to tell him
like this.

“Who the fuck is Dane?” he growls, his back bowing.

“I-I told you about him. I met him at school. He’s part of my group of friends, my roommate dates his brother, remember?”

“Vaguely. I don’t remember you telling me anything much. Now you have to figure you and him out? What’s that mean?” His face is red and his eyes narrow.

“Lower your voice, Evan, you’re gonna wake up Dad!” I angry-whisper at him.

“Sorry,” he says, much lower, “but tell me, Laney. Tell me about Dane, right now.”

“I don’t know what to say, really. First of all, he knows about you; our past, our problems with distance, how I feel about you. He likes me and he wants me to be his girlfriend or whatever.”

“Have you fucked him?”

Whack—
I straight up slap the shit out of him. “Get out!” I whisper-scream this time.

“No. Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” He runs his hand over his face, up and down, trying to scrub out the anger. “I was wrong to say that, but you don’t get to just drop a bomb and throw me out. I deserve better than that, Laney. I deserve an explanation. I’m not leaving; slap me again if you want, but you’re telling me everything.”

“You ever talk to me like that again, Evan Mitchell Allen, and it’ll be the last time you ever speak to me, you understand?” I’m so mad I might take him up on the offer to slap him again.

“Yes, I understand, and I’m sorry, Laney. That’s all I do anymore is apologize to you. What happened to us?” His question comes out choked.

“Life, that’s what happened to us.” I’m not sure exactly what it even means, but I’m completely sure it’s the right answer.

“Ain’t that the truth…so tell me, please, Laney? I’m dying over here.”

“No, I haven’t slept with him, but you already knew that. I also haven’t let him shove his face in my cleavage. You know me better than that.” I quirk a brow and wait for him to make the connection. I honestly hadn’t planned on ever throwing it in his face, but I’m thinking Evan threw down the gauntlet already.

His face pales and his eyes dart away from mine. Finally he whispers, “What do you want to know about it?”

“What do you want to tell me?”

At a couple spots in his story about initiation, Bulldog Babes, parties, seeing the picture on my phone, I actually think he’s going to cry, but he doesn’t. It was obvious I couldn’t possibly make him feel any worse about himself than he already does, and that’s not my goal here, anyway. At least he knows now that I know, so he can stop with the holier than thou act for the rest of our Dane conversation.

“I have kissed Dane, but that’s all…well, physically anyway. He did buy me a necklace.” I take a deep, deep breath. “And, well, he, uh, he sorta took me to Disney World for my birthday.” 3, 2, 1…

“WHAT?!” He jumps up from the couch this time, arms flying out, chest heaving.

“Evan, again with the volume! I’m gonna quit talking if you can’t keep it down.” I scowl at him; this is probably way too serious a conversation to be having while my dad is asleep, but going outside is out, we’d just wake up the whole neighborhood.

“You went on a trip with a guy you barely know? Who are you, Laney? And why is this guy going all out if you’ve only ever kissed him?” He hisses the last part; it’s not a pretty side of him. I knew he’d really flip about the trip and honestly, it was pretty out of character of me, but I just
know
I’m safe with Dane…just like I know I’m safe with Evan.

“Well, I don’t know, Evan, maybe he sees something in me. You do wonderful things for me all the time and I don’t put out for you!”

“Ah, babe.” He sits back down and runs his hand down my arm. “I know you’re worth it, but he doesn’t. He barely knows you. I just question his motives. If he knows you’re mine, he’s a douche for making a play.”

“Actually, he made it clear he wouldn’t make a play if I was with you, and I’m not, remember? He didn’t touch me on that trip, Evan. He really did it just to be nice.”

“Bullshit, we didn’t agree to go kissing other people! I may have done some stupid shit, but I haven’t kissed anyone! And you can bet I’m not taking trips with anyone
or
buying them jewelry. Damn, Laney, what is this guy to you? Have I lost you?”

I can see the tears in his eyes and it splinters me.
My sweet, sweet Evan.
This boy, not so long ago, represented all that was good in my life, all that I could ever want. Now I’m ripping his heart out.

“I don’t know, Evan. All I know is I love you, always.” I move closer and wrap one hand around his neck to stroke his hair and make him feel the weight of my words and solace. “If you were there, we’d be together, just like we planned and wanted. But you’re not there, and he is and he’s good to me. I like him, and yes, I’m attracted to him. He wants me, with no romantic ties to you, but I told him very clearly that I do love you and I won’t hurt you.”