Embracing the Fall (3 page)

“I’m sorry. What?” Cami was more than a little baffled.

“Think about that. You date, but it’s never for very long. The men you’ve been brave
enough to have sex with, you pushed away almost before the sheets cooled. You close
yourself down sexually, especially in the fall and you can count on one hand the number
of orgasms you’ve had.

“He did this to you five years ago, and I guarantee he walked away after that trial
and went on with his life. You need to decide that you are going to go on with yours
and not give him, or his actions, even one more second of it.”

Cami fidgeted and dug deep inside herself. There were things she felt, things that
scared her to even think about, but the doctor was right. She needed to stop living
like this. Stop living in this darkness and come into the light of day. She needed
to face those fears if she ever had a chance at overcoming them.

“It’s just that—” She took a breath and mentally grabbed her courage with both hands.
“It’s just that I only date guys who don’t scare me.” She peeked up at the other woman
through her lashes.

“Go on.” There was knowledge and acceptance in her eyes that Cami took hope from.

“They don’t scare me, but they don’t excite me either. I try to find gentle men. Kind
ones, you know? The
‘hold the door for you’
and
‘wait for you to make the first move’
kind. But, I just feel cold when they touch me. Empty, and honestly, bored.”

“Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. Is that why you break up with them so soon after
you’ve had sex? Because they’re boring in bed?”

“Well, yeah.” Cami felt like her face was on fire and was sure she was red as a beet
right now. But it felt good to be finally airing this. She felt like she’d just uncorked
a bottle and all the fears were gushing out, freeing her. “Before Mark, before that
night, I liked the guys who were kinda dangerous, you know? I know it’s super cliché
for the good girl to lust after the bad boys, but that’s how it was for me. You know
that movie Fatal Attraction, with Michael Douglas? I watched that one scene, when
he and the psycho shrink go back to her place and tear into each other, over and over
again when I was a teen.”

Dr. West was getting animated; Cami thought she looked like she wanted to get up and
pace the way she shifted in her seat. “Cami, I have been waiting for you to get here
for years. Keep going. You’ve almost got it. Tell me, what did you like about that
scene? Why that one and not one of the others?”

Cami swallowed, afraid to say it, but more afraid not to. “Because he shoved her around,
and ripped off her clothes. Because he forced her.” The last was a barely audible
whisper and the root of her shame.

“No!” Cami startled at the sharp crack of Dr. West’s voice. “No. Cami, listen to me
very carefully. This is vital that you understand this point. That scene was about
consent. Aggressive? Yes. Primal and a little mean? Yes. But rape, it was not. They
both knew what they wanted. They both enjoyed what happened. And frankly, that scene
was hot as hell.” That surprised a laugh out of Cami, and Dr. West sat back to look
at her with an indulgent smile.

“Cami, I think it’s time you and I start discussing your true nature. I think you
are finally ready to face the truth of who and what you are.”

“What do you mean? What am I?”

“Cami, honey, you’re a sexual submissive.”

Cami felt like she should snort or shrug that off some way, but instead she felt herself
nodding.

“Do you know what that means? To be a submissive?”

“Yeah.” Cami shrugged and fidgeted in her seat as she felt the heat of a blush wash
over her cheeks. “I mean, I think so. I’ve read about them a little, you know, in
romance novels and stuff.”

Dr. West leaned forward and braced her elbows on her knees. “What do you feel when
you read about submissives, Cami?”

“What do you mean?”
Although she was afraid she knew the answer to that already
.

“Do you feel a connection with the women in the stories? A sense of belonging or rightness?
Or, do you find yourself put off by their actions and what is being done to them?”

She had to take two deep breaths before she could summon the courage to face this
question honestly. “I felt connected. Completely. I always wish it were me.” Cami
swallowed and felt a panic attack building that she valiantly tried to hold at bay.
“But that’s wrong, right? That’s awful. Do I want those things because of the attack?
Is that why you think I’m a submissive now? Did he make me one?” Tears filled her
eyes as she voiced the fears she’d been running from for years.

Cami hadn’t realized she’d closed her eyes until they flew open when her icy hands
were engulfed in Dr. West’s gentle clasp. “No, no I don’t believe that. Lots of survivors
of violence go on to have what is considered
vanilla
sex lives. The attacks don’t change their internal makeup or desires in almost all
cases. Just as I believe your attack didn’t change yours. From our years together,
and all that I’ve learned about who you are, I can say with full confidence that you
are a submissive and you are one, not because of what happened to you, but regardless
of it.”

“If you hadn’t been attacked, you would have discovered this about yourself naturally.
You would have probably had a couple of normal relationships before you started exploring.
It is too deeply ingrained in you for you to have ignored it for long. But, because
of what happened, you’ve run from that nature. You’ve buried it. I’m just glad that
you are now ready to explore it.”

“But, how can I be like that?” Cami felt the confusion and shame whelming up as tears
filled her eyes. “How can I want to be pushed around and beat on or whatever after
what happened to me? And if I do like that stuff, why didn’t I like when he did it
to me? Was I asking for it really and then just didn’t like what I got?” That last
humiliating thought had been haunting her for years and to speak it out loud, for
the first time, was like a knife in her heart. Cami covered her face with both hands
and cried softly into them.

“Cami.” The doctor’s voice was soothing and full of compassion. “There is a huge difference
between BDSM and what was done to you. You had no control in what happened to you,
you were taken against your will and you were hurt out of cruelty. In the BDSM community,
that would never happen. Every single person in that lifestyle is supposed to live
by a code of honor. Safe. Sane. And consensual. There are safe words that a submissive
has that are there for them to stop any activity, at any time, completely. The Dominant
may be handling the whip or meting out some other pseudo-punishment, but the person
who has the true power in any Dom/sub relationship is the submissive. They can halt
everything by simply uttering a single word.”

Cami dropped her hands and felt the cold and exposed wounds within her start to heal.
Like the sun was shining on her dark places for the first time, and that warmth brought
the promise of peace.

“Being a submissive is more than you think. It’s more than just sex for people that
have it as deeply ingrained as you do.” Dr. West smiled kindly at her and Cami sat
a little straighter, as there wasn’t judgment in her expression or revulsion, only
the same calm compassion that she’d always shown. “Hit the internet. Research. Not
just fiction, but look for actual active groups and also read some articles and non-fiction
books on this lifestyle. Explore this part of yourself and embrace it. Take back your
life Cami. Take back the joy you would have had if this had never happened.”

October, today, New York

“Evan.” Evan’s assistant Tanner stuck his head in the door. “You got a visitor. You
got time for a break, or should I have her come back later?”

Evan looked up from the spreadsheet he was studying. His mind was jumbled with percentages,
costs and gross vs. net profits, so he almost told Tanner to send the visitor away
out of hand.

“Who is it?” he asked instead, checking his watch. It was barely nine in the morning,
so he was curious as to who would come calling so early in the work day.

“Zoe Hollister.” A smile broke out on Evan’s face and he was glad he’d asked first.

“Send her in, Tanner.” As he was pushing up from his desk, Zoe came tumbling into
his office as bubbly and happy as a puppy.

“Evan!” She was stunning in her beauty. Raven hair and impossibly large blue eyes.
She had a figure he knew, in intimate detail, was worthy of a mythical goddess and
a rich sensuality that could bring lesser men to their knees.

She was also filled with an exuberant and precocious personality that spread joy wherever
she went. Zoe was on her way to becoming a veterinarian, and with her boundless energy
and her love of all things furry, it was the perfect fit for her.

“What a nice surprise, pet.” He caught her in a hug and held her close for a brief
moment as pure affection filled his heart and brought warmth and contentment to his
otherwise stressful morning.

“I am so sorry to interrupt you at work, but I just had to talk to you alone.” As
she stepped back and he guided her to one of the leather seats facing his desk, he
saw her smile falter. Rather than sitting back at his desk, he took the remaining
seat and held her hand.

“What is it, Zoe?” He braced himself against letting his mind jump to possibilities
and waited as she gathered her courage and her thoughts.

“Well.” Zoe smiled and straightened her shoulders as though bracing herself. “I wasn’t
sure how to do this, so please forgive me if I’m stepping out of line or breaching
protocol or something.”

“You know you don’t have to stand on formalities with me, Zo,” Evan assured her and
gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. “Go on. Just spit it out.”

“Well, I’ve become close with someone I met through Brice. I can’t tell you details
about her, because that would be her story to share, or not, but I can tell you that
she is a sub.”

Evan made a ‘come on’ gesture with one hand and felt his shoulders relax. This was
familiar territory for him. He was a Dom, so he was not surprised at the subject.
To say he was relieved that this wasn’t bad news concerning her or her husband, one
of his closest friends, was an understatement.

“She approached me and Terryn about this almost a year ago now, and we’ve been coaching
her and answering all her questions about the lifestyle.”

“That’s very nice of you girls. I couldn’t think of more qualified teachers for her.
She’s a lucky girl.” Evan smiled at the picture in his head of the two little subbies
teaching this fledgling the ropes and preparing her for what was ahead. “Where do
I come into this, sweetheart?”

“Okay.” she braced her shoulders again and Evan was having a hard time keeping the
smile off his face. She was so worked up over this, and so far she hadn’t told him
anything to cause this level of anxiety. “I need you to seduce her.”

“Oh, there it is.” Evan sat back in his chair in shock. Now he understood her nerves.
“Zo, what the hell? Do you mean you want me to top her for a scene? Or take her on
as my sub for a while?”

“No.” She shook her head emphatically. “This would be easier if I could tell you everything,
but I can’t. The main problem is that she knows that she’s a sub, but she’s nervous.
She’s scared to try. Evan, she has been studying for
months
about this. She knows more than Terryn and I put together, but she won’t do anything
about it. She has been to the club as an observer only. Gage and I have scened for
her on several occasions and Brice and Terryn, too. Brice and Terryn even invited
her to join them to help her ease in to it, you know? So, she can experience it for
herself with people she loves and trusts. But she won’t. She gets right to the edge
of saying yes and then she chickens out.” Evan nodded, but he thought she was so caught
up in what she was saying it wouldn’t have mattered to her if he hadn’t. “Well, you
would think because she has gotten so close to Terryn lately that she would have at
least said yes when she offered to let her come play with them, right? I thought for
sure that would be the ticket, but no. Not even that.” Zoe stared at him in frustration
for a moment then concluded with, “So you see, it has to be seduction. Otherwise,
she is never going to get out there. And she needs to, Evan. It’s time, I know it
is. She is ready.”

“Zoe, pet.” Evan shook his head at her. “I understand what brought you here, but this
isn’t the answer. You can’t force someone to take this step. They have to make it
when they decide
they
are ready, not when someone else thinks they are.” He held up a hand when she opened
her mouth in protest. “Now, listen. Hear me out. You know this type of relationship
is all about open communication and trust. Those lines get crossed, and you got nothing
but danger. Seduction doesn’t have a hand to play in that game. Seduction is illusion
and coaxing and subterfuge. The exact opposite of what a BDSM relationship stands
for.”