Embraced by Darkness (41 page)

“Kellen? It’s Riley.”

“You’re home?”

“Yes. Do you want to meet somewhere, or would you rather I come over to your place?”

“I’ll come to you,” he said, then hung up.

I frowned down at the phone for several seconds, not quite believing that he’d hung up on me. He wasn’t usually so abrupt, but maybe it was just the tiredness. He’d sounded like hell, so maybe work had been a pain in the ass again.

“Everything okay?” Rhoan asked, one eyebrow raised.

“Yeah.” He was coming to see me, and that was all I had to worry about for the moment. “What are your plans for the evening?”

“I’ll shower, change, then head over to Liander’s. He’ll be wanting to kiss my war wounds better.”

I snorted. “You hardly have a damn scratch on you.”

“I have a bump on the head.”

“Hardly worth sympathy.”

“You’re just jealous of my beautiful, unmarred skin.”

This from the man who had almost as many scars as I did. “Totally,” I said dryly.

He grinned and gave me a hug. “Being a guardian is so much more fun now that you’re one of us.”

“Being a guardian is many things, but I wouldn’t say a fun time was one of them.”

“Depends on your definition of fun, doesn’t it?”

“Well, getting shot and blowing away bad guys is not mine.” I paused, feeling the lie in my words but still not wanting to acknowledge it. Dammit, I
wasn’t
my brother. I wouldn’t enjoy my job. I
wouldn’t
. “The only guys I want to blow are sexy
good
guys, and only in a sexual sense.”

Not that
that
was a thrill I’d be pursuing anytime soon with anyone
other
than Kellen. And while there was a part of me that was sad over that, mostly I was just happy to be pursuing a long-held dream with someone I cared about, and who cared for me.

It might not work out in the end, I knew that, but at least I was here, taking the chance instead of skipping away from it.

The cab finally pulled up at the front of our apartment building. Rhoan paid the driver with his credit card while I raced upstairs to get first dibs on the shower and the hot water.

Once clean, and with coffee and chocolate in hand, I sat down on the sofa to wait for Kellen. My brother showered and then headed out, leaving me alone to a silence that seemed filled with expectations. Thankfully, it wasn’t all that long before Kellen’s footsteps echoed in the hall and his rich, warm scent drifted on the air.

I walked over to the door and opened it. He looked good, despite the tiredness etched deep in his face, and my heart did this happy little dance.

“Hey,” I said, a smile splitting my lips. “Nice to see you again.”

“And it’s a damn relief to see you.” He stepped through the door and wrapped his arms around me, holding me so tight it was difficult to breathe.

And I didn’t care one little bit. It felt so good, so safe, so right. Like all my troubles, all my worries, just faded away under the warm security of his touch.

“Would you like a coffee?” I said into his shoulder, not wanting to move and yet knowing we couldn’t stay in the doorway forever. “And I’ll tell you what happened.”

He pulled away slightly, and there was something in his eyes, an intensity that I’d never seen before, that made me oddly nervous.

“The coffee can wait. And I know what happened.”

I arched an eyebrow at the edge in his voice. “Jack contacted you?”

“Jack or the Directorate didn’t tell me squat.”

Confusion swirled, and right in amongst it, apprehension stirred. “Then how do you know what happened?”

“Because it’s what always happens. Your job got messy and you totally forgot about the other people in your life while you were dealing with it.”

Ouch.

But at least his comment explained the reason for the edge in his voice and the anger in his eyes. “I was supposed to meet you for lunch, wasn’t I?”

“Yeah.” He gripped my arm and led me over to the sofa. “But as usual, I wasn’t first in your thoughts.”

“That’s not true—”

“It’s been true from the word go,” he said grimly. “I’ve just done my best to ignore the fact until now.”

He sat me down, then sat down on the sofa opposite. “We need to talk. Here and now.”

“I agree.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You do?”

“Yes. Because I’ve come to a decision.”

“And what might that be?”

He said it in an angry, resigned sort of way that made my heart ache. He was expecting the worst, and that was my fault, because I’d never really given him anything more of myself than a few weeks away together. Every time he’d asked me for more, I’d asked for more time. I kept saying I wanted a relationship, but every time he tried to pin me down, I’d made up excuses or reasons as to why I couldn’t.

Well, not anymore.

“I want to make the commitment and go solo with you. I want to see if this thing between us is real or not.”

He stared at me for a moment, the intensity in his eyes sharpening. And suddenly there were butterflies in my stomach and my heart was doing a crazy sick dance.

Because something was
wrong
.

He wasn’t reacting in the way I’d expected at all. There was no joy, no relief, nothing. No damn reaction at all. He just sat there, looking at me, with that odd intensity in his eyes and a tautness around his mouth.

“Say something,” I said softly. Pleadingly.

“That’s great.”

But it was mechanically said, with no warmth or feeling behind it. And yet the air was sharp with tension, and his green eyes fairly burned with emotion. What exactly that emotion was I couldn’t say, because it seemed a mess of anger, desire, determination, and God knows what else.

It frightened me, as his response to my words was frightening me.

What was going on?

Why was he doing this, reacting like this, when he’d finally heard the words he’d been pressing me to say for weeks?

I didn’t understand it, but I feared it.

God how I feared it.

I crossed my arms and leaned forward on my knees, my hands clenched out of his sight. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said abruptly, then sighed and ran a hand through his thick, dark hair. “And everything.”

“That doesn’t tell me a whole lot,” I said, and this time there was a touch of anger in my voice. But its source was the fear. The concern over the way he was reacting.

He looked at me for a moment, then shook his head. “You really
don’t
see the problem, do you?”

“If I did, I wouldn’t be sitting here feeling so sick to my stomach. I’d be trying to fix whatever it is.”

He leaned forward and pulled a hand free from under my arm, wrapping his fingers around mine. His skin was warm compared to mine, his touch strong and steady. “Why didn’t you ring me when you couldn’t make lunch?”

Exasperation ran through me. An exasperation wrapped in anger, and it made my voice sharp. Or maybe that was the fear twisting deep inside. “Because a psycho knocked me out and kidnapped me.”

“So why didn’t you ring me when you were free?”

“Because there was still stuff to do, things that needed cleaning up.”

“So they were all more important than making a simple phone call?”

“I just wanted it all over so I could concentrate on you.”
You and me
. I bit my lip and blinked.

Dammit, I would
not
cry.

I wouldn’t.

Not until I was sure there was something to cry about.

He caressed my wrist with a gentle finger. As warm and as good as his touch was, it only succeeded in stirring the butterflies in my stomach to an even greater frenzy.

“As I said before, I’m never first in your thoughts, Riley. I’m never the one you turn to, never the one you share hurt, or pain, or dreams with. I care for you—care for you a lot—but I’m beginning to doubt the feeling is returned.”

“Which is why we go solo—to discover if this is the real, soul mate deal, or just another good thing not meant to last.”

“But I can’t go solo as things stand. The last few days have proven that.”

Maybe I was dense. Maybe the last few days had been tougher than I’d thought, because he was confusing the hell out me. And yet I had a feeling that
he
thought it should have been all so perfectly clear. “What do you mean?”

He smiled, and it was a tired smile, a smile filled with sadness. “I’m an alpha, remember? As I keep reminding you, it is in my nature to want to protect all that is mine. But there can never be any protecting you. Not with your job.”

“I’m not expecting—”

“I know, and that’s not my point.” He hesitated, then added more softly, “Do you know what it is like, being left behind? Knowing that you’re in danger, that at any second you could be killed, and that there’s nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do to help you?”

I touched his cheek lightly. He didn’t lean into it, didn’t react in any way. It seemed he was holding more than the emotion in his words in check.

“But I’m here, I’m safe,” I said, after a moment.

“And one day, you might not be here, might not be safe.” He squeezed my hand, then released me and sat back. Moving away from my touch. And I felt sick, so sick, that bile rose up my throat and I had to swallow heavily.

“I can’t live like that, Riley. It’s just not in my nature.”

“But—”

“The only way we could work is if you give up your job. Otherwise, there’s just no way we could last.”

“I can’t—” The words came out an agonized cry. Of all the things I wanted in this world, that had to be second in line, right after a family of my own. I’d
love
to give up my job as a guardian, and just be another wolf working for the Directorate. Like I had been, before Talon and Misha and their psycho brother had come into my life.

But with the drug in my system starting to make huge changes, I dared not walk away, even if I could. Who knew what was yet to come?

I couldn’t handle it alone. Couldn’t rely on Rhoan. We simply didn’t have the resources to monitor what was going on in my body.

“Can’t, or won’t?” he said, harshly.

“Dammit, Kellen, this is unfair!” I thrust to my feet and began pacing. “You’ve asked for a commitment, and now that I’m ready for that, you’re backing away and saying we can’t work. Where is the justice in that?”

“There’s no justice, just honesty, which in this case is more important.”

He stood and walked up behind me. But I stepped away from his touch, unwilling to feel the familiar warmth of his arms. Control was tenuous enough as it was. I might just lose it if he held me tenderly while in the middle of breaking up with me.

He dropped his hands to his side, then added, “I can’t help what I am any more than you can. I don’t want to make this decision, Riley, honestly I don’t. But I can’t spend a lifetime waiting at home for you. Wondering if this time will be the time that you
don’t
come home. I believe we could be good together, but I want the whole white picket fence ideal, and that just doesn’t include a soul mate who risks her life and our happiness on a daily basis.”

I wrapped my arms around my body and just looked at him. I was shaking, shivering, because suddenly there was no warmth in the room. Or maybe it was because my future suddenly seemed as bleak and as lonely as it had in the worst of my dreams.

Why do this now?
I wanted to scream.
You knew what I was, you knew about my job. Why do this when I’d finally decided to take that step, to take a chance?

But I kept the rage and frustration and hurt inside, and didn’t do or say anything.

Because deep down I understood.

I mightn’t like his words, might hate his actions, but the truth was, I understood them. I wouldn’t want to be committed to someone whose job was so dangerous that I knew one day he simply wouldn’t come home. That one day, I’d feel his death and know my life and my heart had just turned to ashes.

It was a big thing to ask of anyone.

Cops and firemen knew all about it. They had the highest percentages of divorce and relationship breakdowns for good reason.

Even so, I couldn’t help saying, “Don’t do this.”
Please don’t do this
.

He sighed. “I’m sorry, Riley, I really am. But the last few days have really brought home just what life with you will be like if you don’t give up work. And I’d rather live without you than live with that.”

My eyes were stinging, my body shaking, and my heart seemed to be just aching deep in my chest. And I couldn’t think of anything to say, because there
was
nothing to say. His mind was made up, and nothing short of me quitting my job was going to change that.

I should have let myself smash down on the rocks. It would have hurt a whole lot less.

I took a deep, shuddering breath, then said, “Go. Just go.”