Ember (31 page)

Sebastian spent a long day doing very little of anything. He visited a few bars, planning to drink himself into oblivion, but couldn’t get past his first shot. He tried to write and spent two hours staring at blank pages. After he read the same paragraph several times and still hadn’t retained a word, he ended up flinging the book at his wall. He considered following Candra, but she’d made it perfectly clear she didn’t want him around. In fact, she’d made it perfectly clear that she’d never wanted him around from the beginning. He knew it was right that she should feel that way. He knew in the beginning she hadn’t wanted him anywhere near her, but he allowed himself to be convinced things had changed. He wanted to believe she hadn’t meant the things she said to him before she stormed out, but worried she had.

When Sebastian had watched over her silently, he had been afraid to know her. Some hidden part of him that he refused to pay credence to, knew he would like her. Once that happened, he became afraid of bigger things: he was afraid to lose her, but it was more than that; despite his bravado he was afraid to love her. In the end, falling in love with Candra was something beyond even his control. Of all the things Sebastian ever struggled with, the biggest was his need to control. Apparently that made him clingy and stalkerish.

So instead of returning to the townhouse Candra and Brie shared, the way he normally would have, he spent the entire evening in his room—more specifically the chair in the corner of his room with his earphones in and his arms wrapped around his knees, attempting to distract himself with music and fighting the urge to follow Candra, call her, or go to her. He blamed himself for the entire situation Candra found herself in, everything from her confused emotions to Draven manipulating her, to his inability to protect Ivy. Lofi and Gabe both tried to convince him otherwise. They said it would have been a matter of time before the others found Candra regardless. Sebastian preferred to take the blame. It was easier to accept some kind of responsibility rather than admit he had no control over the events shaping his life and Candra’s.

He felt jittery and confused. Time lost meaning. The hours seemed to stretch beyond imagination, and Sebastian began making deals with himself to stay away. One more hour and he would reconsider his decision to do what Candra wanted and leave her alone. Twenty minutes, fifteen minutes, ten…He had worked his way down to seconds, and was sitting in darkness, swinging the wires of his earphones around as if about to lasso someone at any moment, by the time he heard the front door open. The sound was closely followed by hesitant footfalls on the stairs. They stopped at the landing, and he held his breath, imagining at any moment they would turn and rush back down. It would probably be for the best, but all Sebastian could think was,
So help me, I want those footsteps nearer.

He gripped onto the arm of the seat and waited, hoping if they retreated that he would have the strength not to follow. His heart pounded blood through his body, and he struggled to hear anything other than the heavy
thump, thump, thump
, but then he heard movement.

Candra stopped outside the door, hesitating again, and Sebastian heard one muted tap. He imagined she raised her hand to knock and changed her mind, instead pressing her palm to the door. He had the most intense desire to rush over there and fling the door open, but it had to be her choice…always her choice.

The door knob twisted, and Sebastian allowed himself to release the breath he was holding as a blast of relief spread through his body.

Candra came into the room, wearing a long jacket, only opening the door enough to creep in and gingerly tread across the floorboards toward Sebastian’s bed. She didn’t see him watching her from the corner. It was only when she got nearer and her eyes adjusted to the darkness that she noticed his bed was empty.

He smiled at the disappointment in her expression and reached behind him to flick on the free standing lamp, bathing the room in a golden light.

“Holy crap,” Candra exclaimed, spinning toward the source of the light and seeing Sebastian. Her hand flew to her chest as she tried to calm herself. “I thought you would be asleep. It’s the middle of the night.”

“And you’re working on your psycho murderer impression?” Sebastian accused bitterly, repeating the same accusation she made the very first time she found him in her bedroom after the party. “Were you planning to finish me off in my sleep?”

“I-I—” she stammered as he watched the blush rise in her cheeks. She looked at the bed, searching for words, and forced out a strained sigh, closing her eyes tightly. “Why does everything have to be a battle between us? I’m tired. Actually I’m utterly drained, and I couldn’t sleep. It turns out I seem to have gotten out of the practice of sleeping alone in my room at night. I couldn’t call my best friend because she’s gone.” Her voice broke and she stopped, pulling in a deep breath before she continued. “This was a mistake. I’m sorry—for everything.” She turned quickly, her long hair whipping around her face, and dashed toward the door.

Sebastian was faster and pressed his hand over hers, cupping the doorknob. He was behind her, and his other hand was held flat against the door so she couldn’t open it. The smell of apples rose from her hair, accosting him with her scent. Unintentionally, he closed the minute space so his chest touched her back. The heat of her body seeped through his chest, sending his heart into a tailspin, beating so fast it hurt. Candra shivered, and the resulting movement of her body made his own respond. Blood sizzled beneath his flesh and rushed every place in his body where they touched, so deep was his body’s basic longing for Candra. Maddening thoughts flashed through his head. Sebastian wanted her in ways he didn’t recognize or understand. He wanted to taste her skin and explore her mind and body to the point they would both be left used up, sated, and unable to think of anything besides each other. He wanted to worship her, consume her and make her part of him so that he would never have to be without her.

His fear of losing her made him reckless. How many laws of heaven was he prepared to break for this woman? Somewhere in the back of his mind Sebastian knew these thoughts were potentially dangerous. It was verging on insanity, and acting on his primal desires was out of the question. Candra wasn’t an animal to be marked or subjugated. She was his equal in so many ways and seemed to have no idea of the sway she held over him. The most insignificant actions or words from her lips had the power to ruin him.

“Wait,” he murmured into her silken tresses, aware of how much it sounded like begging.
How did I become this
, he asked himself,
the guy that has to beg a woman for small mercies?
“Don’t leave.”

“What’s the point, Sebastian?” Candra pressed her head forward and leaned it against the door. Her shoulders drooped in defeat.

Sebastian wanted her to know he understood. He knew what it was like to lose people he loved. He knew what it was like to want to blame someone and to fight against it. He had been thinking about it all day because he was losing her. “If we could just sit still and wait, instead of fighting it so hard,” he whispered close to her ear. He wasn’t sure what “it” was anymore: their feelings, the inevitable future, or the constant struggle between them? But he was sure if she just gave him a little time he could do better. He could stop messing everything up.

“I don’t know how to accept what happened to Ivy or what’s happening to me. I don’t know how to accept that there is a higher power that would allow this to happen.” Her voice was husky, like she had been crying. “There is no more time.”

Sebastian had to force his hand not to tighten over hers and give away his anger at those very questions. The fingers of his other hand strained against the door. Instead he went for distraction.

“This morning before you woke, I caught myself smiling for no reason…then I realized it wasn’t for no reason. It was because I was with you.”

Candra sighed quietly. “I don’t want you to feel that way. Please, it just makes it harder. I just want to sleep. I’m so tired.” Her body sagged, leaning into him. “Tomorrow I will fight with you, I promise. Tonight I need sleep.”

Without a word Sebastian removed his hand from hers and slid his fingers under her jacket. She complied easily, dropping her hands by her side as he pulled it from her shoulders, revealing the sweat pants and tank top she was wearing underneath. He dropped the coat to the floor beside them and scooped her up into his arms. She didn’t fight him, and he wasn’t used to seeing her defeated. It was as though someone had snuffed her light out. He thought he’d felt powerless before, but this was beyond anything he had ever experienced. He felt sick looking down on Candra, her eyes closed and her head leaned into his chest as he carried her over to his bed.

He laid her down gently, pulled off her sneakers, and tugged the comforter from under her. Again she was compliant, lifting up slightly to help him. Sebastian covered her up to her shoulders and went over to switch off the lamp before crawling into the bed behind her. Candra shifted straight away, moving back toward Sebastian until her back was flush to his chest, and reached behind her to pull his arm across her body, settling his open hand on her stomach.

In that moment, Sebastian would have given anything and everything he had to take her pain away. He would have swapped places with Ivy in a heartbeat if it meant she would have been there to take Candra’s call.

“Thank you,” she murmured.

“I’m sorry,” he told her, pulling her hair over her shoulder and kissing the shell of her ear.

Candra wriggled in Sebastian’s arms until she was facing him and reached up to plant a soft kiss on his lips. He wanted to prolong the kiss and the unbearable sweetness of it. He wanted to touch her in entirely inappropriate ways. He had no idea he was even capable of such restraint when instead of acting on it, he pulled her to him, wrapping her in his arms and burying his nose in her hair. Sebastian missed her already. Even as she lay in his arms skirting unconsciousness, he could already imagine what it would feel like when she was gone.

It was hot, really hot, and it was hard to breathe. Candra’s face was squashed against something solid covered in soft cotton, and she was trapped. It took a few moments for her foggy memory to clear and for her to remember she had come over, hoping to sneak into Sebastian’s bed. It was his chest she was currently squished against and his mellow breathing against the top of her head.

She shimmied until he groaned, smacking his lips, and turned over, finally releasing her from the confines of his arms. His face scrunched up in the most adorable way—forming deep vertical lines between his eyebrows.

Candra lay back on the pillow and turned her head so she could watch him in profile. He was physically perfect, beautiful, from his ruffled hair to his perfectly symmetrical features and lean, muscled body. Inside he was far from perfect, but it was his imperfections that made her fall in love with him. She reached over to him, placing her hand over his heart and closing her eyes while she felt the strong rhythmic pulsing and steady rise and fall of his chest against it. Every beat was drawing her nearer to him and at the same time measuring disappearing time.

“What are you doing?” Sebastian asked quietly, placing his hand over Candra’s.

“I’m remembering you,” she explained, pushing herself up onto one elbow and looking down on him. His heart beat quickened, then slowed. “I’m sorry for waking you. It’s still early.”

“Are you feeling better?”

Candra shook her head and fell back onto her pillow again. Sebastian pushed himself up, essentially reversing their positions except that he didn’t attempt to grope her chest, although Candra wasn’t sure she would have minded. Instead Sebastian picked up a lock of Candra’s hair and began to absentmindedly twist it around his finger. Somehow it felt even more intimate and made her stomach clench remembering how she had kissed Draven the day before.

“I was giving very serious consideration to not going through with this,” she admitted. “I guess I got scared that people have too much faith in me. I’m about as far from perfect as a person can get.”

“You don’t have to be perfect. Just be yourself. Do what’s right for you,” he told her, still twisting the hair.

“Keeping every one safe feels like the right thing and being honest with you.” Candra paused for an instant. “I have something I should probably tell you.” She grimaced, closing her eyes. She absolutely didn’t want to be looking into his face.