Ella's Wish (6 page)

While Clara held the shafts, Ella unhitched the horse because she planned to stay at least till noon. Clara waited until Ella returned from the barn, and together they walked toward the house. Ella expected their mom to meet them at the door, or perhaps Dora would. She hadn’t been gone so long but that their arrival still warranted some level of interest.

With no one to greet them, Clara walked on in without a knock. Ella supposed she would have done the same, and yet the feeling was a strange one now that she didn’t live at home.
Do I just walk in without notice? I suppose so. Some things are just like that—home, family, and where one belongs. They grip the heart with roots that can hardly be dislodged. It’s the way things are supposed to be
.

Ella followed Clara into the silent house. Surely her mom was close by, occupied with some task, which kept her from a friendly greeting at the front door.

Through the familiar living room opening, the muffled cries they heard stopped them short. Clara glanced at Ella but said nothing. When Ella stepped forward, Clara followed. Cautiously, Ella entered the living room to find her mom and Dora seated on the couch. Mamm held her handkerchief tightly. Her tears were thick on her cheeks, and a muffled sob still hung in the air.

“What’s wrong?” Ella gasped while a hundred fears raced through her mind.
Has there been another accident? Has Daett been injured? Maybe Eli or Monroe?
Since there was no sign of her two brothers or dad, she expected the worse.

“Sit down,” Mamm said, motioning with her hand. “We have just been brought news—something I never imagined possible. A terrible thing has happened. Eli’s seein’ an
Englisha
girl.”

Ella’s mind raced.
Obviously Dora did not bring the news, I haven’t yet confessed to prior knowledge, and so who brought the news?
Ella imagined her face was a picture of guilt and was thankful her mom’s eyes were occupied.

“Aunt Sarah stopped by,” Dora volunteered as she set her hand protectively on her mother’s shoulder. Ella wanted to ask Dora the obvious question but didn’t dare. Dora, as if she understood, glanced up and shook her head.

“I just can’t believe this! My Eli. And the oldest boy. Why would he have done such a thing? Settin’ such an example for the rest of the family. And with no warnin’ at all. It’s like the sky dropped on our heads.”

“Has Daett been told?” Ella asked, her guilt becoming stronger.
Perhaps I should make my confession before Daett arrives
.

“We haven’t sent anyone to call them in,” Mamm said. “Daett’s out in the fields with Eli and Monroe now. The day is completely full of work already with the hay just ready to bale this morning. We are supposed to help load soon—probably starting before lunch. If we say something now, it will end the day’s work.”

“Mamm, I have something I’d best be tellin’ you first,” Ella said quietly, so softly her mom apparently didn’t hear. Dora looked wildly at her and vigorously shook her head.

Ella felt she must do what was right. Confession was good for the soul, especially in this situation. She gathered herself to speak louder this time, but Mamm spoke first.

“This will break Daett’s heart,” her mom said with a trembling voice. “His first born son is visiting an
Englisha
girl.”

“He was seen leaving town with her Friday night,” Dora said, clearly hoping Ella had said all she planned to. “He tied his horse at the Quality Market, and they went out somewhere together in her car.”

“It will be all over the world before long,” Mamm said in despair.

“Aunt Sarah won’t spread this around,” Dora assured her. “She wouldn’t.”

“Maybe not,” Mamm agreed, “but someone else will see him. They may have already done so.”

Ella decided it was confession time, regardless of the consequences. Dora might not feel guilty, but she did. Her dad would have to be told eventually, and things would only go harder for her and Dora if this came out later.

She cleared her throat, but Dora read her face and spoke first. “No one’s to blame for this. Really, they aren’t. We couldn’t have done anything about it.”

“It falls on our shoulders. Me and Daett,” Mamm whispered. “If only we’d known earlier. He must have been seeing her for some time, it would seem.”

“I knew,” Ella said, kneeling down in front of her mom, placing her hands on her knees. “I knew some time ago that Eli was up to something but thought it best to not say anything. I thought Eli might come to his senses.”

“You knew?” Her mom’s handkerchief fell from her hand, and her eyes searched Ella’s face.

“I’m so sorry,” Ella whispered. “Eli’s so stubborn about these things.”

“Did you help him?”

Ella shook her head.

“I knew too,” Dora spoke up. “We both thought Eli wouldn’t go this far and that the matter would stay with just talk.”

“Perhaps you’d best be telling me everything,” their mom said, sitting upright. “Should Clara leave the room?”

Ella shook her head again. “There’s not much to say. And Clara can stay.”

“Then tell me quickly and don’t be leavin’ anything out.”

Ella got up from the floor and stood weakly in front of her mom. Her heart felt heavy with guilt. Her judgment of Eli hadn’t been correct.

“Perhaps I should speak,” Dora offered.

Mamm said, “No, I want to hear Ella. The oldest had best tell the story.”

As always
, Ella thought,
the duty of age comes down with a crash. I am the oldest girl and so held to a higher degree of responsibility
. She cleared her throat, but the words still came out of her mouth with great difficulty.

“I first learned of Eli’s attraction to the
Englisha
nurse after he came home from the hospital.”

“That long ago.” Mamm’s voice was a whisper.

Ella continued. “He told me her name was Pam. He said he had invited her to stop by on her way home from work to check up on him while he was still sick in bed…since she lives north of here somewhere.”

“She came to my house? When I was not at home?”

Ella felt guilt grip her hard and take her breath away. Back then the decision had seemed the right thing. Now, with Mamm’s pale face in front of her, she trembled. This had not been her house to allow such privileges, yet she had done so.

“She came when you were at the funeral of David’s girlfriend,” she managed. “I didn’t know she would come, and Eli had seemed uncertain himself.”

“But she did come.” Her mom shifted on the couch, and her fingers reached for the handkerchief on the floor.

“That day she did stop by,” Ella said, “in her nurse’s uniform, and so I figured she just wanted to check up on Eli. I couldn’t just turn her away. I figured Eli would get over her if he saw her again.”

“You made this decision by yourself?”

“I’m sorry,” Ella whispered. “It looks different now, and I know now I should have told you. I did try to persuade Eli. I really did. I spoke long and hard with him.”

“You tried to instruct your brother?” her mom asked, standing to her feet. “I’m ashamed of you, Ella. I thought we taught you better than that. Have the lessons of our leaders no meanin’ to you? In these spiritual things—in matters of Scripture and the tradition of the fathers—it is not up to us women to teach the men. We will always fail. As you have failed. Do you not know this? The matter belonged to your daett…by the design of
Da Hah
Himself. Do you not know that after all these years?”

Ella’s face burned like fire, and she could say nothing in her defense.

“I knew too,” Dora offered in what Ella knew was an attempt to share blame. She felt a rush of emotion at her sister’s thoughtfulness.

“Ella is the oldest girl,” her mom said, “and she shares the greatest blame. But, yes, you should have known better too, Dora. I am ashamed of both of you. Let this be a lesson for you, Clara, and let it be a good one. This is what happens when women step outside of
Da Hah’s
place for us. You must never be teachin’ and sayin’ these matters to the men.”

Mamm sat down suddenly on the couch. Her face was drawn up in pain.

“But you tell Daett things,” Clara said. “I hear you all the time.”

Whether this was true or not, Ella wanted to clamp her hand across Clara’s mouth, but the words had been spoken. She held her breath and watched her mom’s face.

Mamm seemed lost in her own world of grief, but slowly she turned toward Clara. “I know, child. I do,” she said, her voice soft. “We all do whether we should or not. I’m just overcome at the moment. I know Ella and Dora meant no harm. I might have done so myself if my brother had been seein’ an
Englisha
girl. But what are we to do now? Eli is seein’ a girl of the world, and your daett must be told.”

“I can tell him,” Clara whispered as Ella and Dora sat on each side of Mamm with their arms around her shoulders. In the silence of the living room—the familiar scene of a thousand family gatherings—they all wept together.

Eight

“
A
ch,” Mamm finally said, “here we sit like
boblis
, and the day’s work has not been done yet.”

“I can go tell Daett,” Clara repeated her offer and looked relieved the tears had stopped.

“No, I’d best go tell him,” Ella said, getting up from the couch. The action seemed right to her, that she—the one who had known before—should be the one to break the news to her father.

“Not now.” Her mom stood. “There is hay to put up, and we have the wash to do.”

“But I have to get home,” Ella said, the words sounding strange in her mouth. This had been her home, and now it wasn’t.

“We must speak of this…as a family,” her mom said, “but it cannot be done now. Not with the hay in the field. Could you stay for the day and help out? Perhaps stay for supper? Then we could talk afterward. You can even stay for the night if you want to.”

Ella considered the question with surprise.
I really am grown up. Only last week Mamm would not have asked
.

“It would help out…a lot,” her mom added with a worried look on her face.

“Then I will,” Ella agreed with a weak smile. “The house can just wait.”

“Is the place locked up? Did you bank the stove before you left?” Mamm asked.

Ella nodded. “Things will be okay.”

“Then it’s decided, and you’re staying. There is something I needed to tell you, but I had forgotten, what with the news of Eli’s doin’s. Sarah also said Joe and Ronda are lookin’ for a place to rent.”

“They’re getting married soon,” Dora said loudly from the kitchen.

“But what’s that got to do with me?” Ella asked.

“Well, I was thinking. With you in that big house—why, it’s big enough for three families—they could live upstairs, and you could make some extra money. I know you’ll be needing money since you’re living on your own now.”

“For how long?” Ella asked, trying to imagine another family in her house. She did need the money, so she was slow to express her concern.

“Think about it,” Mamm said, “but you do need to let Ronda know soon. I expect they could live in her mamm and daett’s
dawdy haus
for a while if they have to, but this would be much better.”

“They’re startin’ to bale,” Dora hollered from the kitchen. “It’s time to go. Are you comin’?”

“I sure do appreciate this,” Mamm said as Ella and Dora left the house together.

“This was nice of you,” Dora added once they were outside, walking quickly up the long lane where their dad had the baler parked.

“I couldn’t say no,” Ella replied. “It’s not like I have much to do at home other than sit around and think about how to live my life.”

“Looks like Eli’s got our evening taken care of,” Dora said, glancing across the knee-high grass in the center of the lane.

“I sure was wrong on that one,” Ella confessed. The words felt good to say. Not that they changed the situation, but confession did benefit the soul.

“I suppose I was too,” Dora agreed.

“I shouldn’t have tried to straighten him out by myself like Mamm said. It wasn’t my place.”

“You know she does the same.” Dora bent over and caught a long stem of grass in her fingers. The piece refused to tear, and she refused to let go or break her stride. With a jerk the grass came up by the roots. The heavy end snapped forward, and Dora stepped sideways without even a backward glance so that it missed her legs. She let go on the upward arch, and the whole thing flew over the fence.

Ella watched the grassy missile land with a thud and wished she could get rid of her troubles that easily, to just sidestep them and let them go.

“She does,” Dora repeated.

“I know. I suppose we all do, but it still doesn’t make it right.”

“I’m thinkin’ of quitting Norman,” Dora said, her voice quiet. “There are too many things I want to change about him.”

“Just because of what Mamm said this morning?”

“Maybe in part.” Dora shrugged. “I’ve been thinkin’ about all his faults lately anyway.”

“That’s just the dark side of you speaking,” Ella said, trying to sound hopeful. With Dora it was hard. “You’ll get over those feelings. Norman’s a nice match for you.”

“He asked to marry me. He asked on Sunday night.”

“Then why are you moaning?” Ella smiled. “That sounds like good news to me.”

“I haven’t even told Mamm, and I don’t want to until I know for certain.”

“But you told him the answer, surely?”

Dora shook her head. “I told him I’d have to think about it. Ella, did you ever get scared with Aden once you knew for sure?”

Ella wished she could say she had been, if for no other reason but to comfort Dora. Dora took her silence as the answer, and her face darkened. “See, that’s what I mean. I want to have what you and Aden had.”

“It’s not the same for everyone,” Ella said. “Love comes in all kinds of ways.”

“That’s what you say, and yet you’ll always be lookin’ for the same thing again all the days of your life. You’ll even turn down the offer from the bishop just because he’s not like Aden. And still you want me to accept that love’s different. Don’t you think you should be doin’ the same?”