Ella's Wish (18 page)

Ella didn’t knock on the barn door but simply opened it and walked right in, straight into the glow of the lantern hanging from the ceiling. The bishop had fewer cows than she was used to, but they lined the stanchions as usual. The looks on their morning faces were quite familiar.

“Good morning! What a surprise,” the bishop said, getting up from beside a cow and causing his stool to scoot noisily on the floor. “You are the last person I expected to see.”

“I can leave if you want me to,” Ella said, surprised by her own boldness.

“Now, now,” the bishop said, laughing but quickly catching her mood, “I wouldn’t be saying something like that at all, not when you obviously have something important bothering you badly enough to rush over this early in morning—and in the fog. Did I say a wrong word last night? I certainly didn’t mean to.”

Ella caught her breath and calmed herself. Now that she was here, things did look a little different.

“Preacher Stutzman came by and said he wasn’t bringing the girls over as we’d planned. He said you had spoken with him last night and convinced him to drop the arrangement. I don’t think that’s right. He really needs someone to care for his girls. I’m about the only one available, and I need the money.”

“He’s not paying you that much, is he?”

“Forty dollars a week.” This obviously was now part of the bishop’s business.

“Like I said—not too much.”

“The amount isn’t the matter. I don’t think it was right…what you said. Preacher Stutzman really needs someone to care for his girls while he works.”

“I am concerned about how this will look when the word comes out that I’m seeing you, that’s all.”

“He has never asked me for anything else or done anything untoward. Nor has he implied it.”

“I know that now,” the bishop said, smiling warmly. “Perhaps I was a little hasty with my actions. I know I can be that way. See, I also spoke with Susanna after I saw Ivan. Perhaps I should have gone back and talked to Ivan again after Susanna told me Ivan is about to ask for one of our women’s hand in marriage. But I didn’t.”

“I told you that last night,” Ella said, “and the woman he’s askin’ isn’t me.”

“Yah, that I know. Susanna didn’t tell me who this woman is, but if it was you, she would have said so.”

“Then I can take care of his girls?”

“I guess it will be okay,” he said, smiling again, “since you have your heart so set on it. I guess no harm could come of it.”

“I
do
want to,” Ella said forcefully. There was no sense in leaving any doubt in the bishop’s mind. He might as well get used to her.

“You are a woman of courage, I must say, yet tempered as a godly woman should be,” the bishop said, reaching for his three-legged stool on the concrete floor. “I see more and more why
Da Hah
had me wait for you. I have never met a woman among our people I can value more.”

Ella felt the heat creep up her neck. He spoke so plainly.

“I hope I do not disappoint you,” she said, meeting his eyes.

“You will not. And you will be what
Da Hah
intended a woman to be—a
gut
helpmeet for me.”

“I really must go,” Ella said, finding her voice.

“It will be a long week till Saturday,” he said just when she reached the door.

Ella managed a smile, stepped outside, and closed the door behind her. The fog had rolled in again and rose in great billows around the buggy. She could hardly see the outline of the horse. For a moment she thought to ask the bishop if she could stay until the sun had cleared the clouds but thought better of it. Inside the buggy, she got the horse turned around and out on the road. His hoofbeats cut a hollow sound in the morning air, and a chill rose around her, creeping through her shawl and making her eyes burn with tears.

Twenty-three

I
van stood inside the house. His mind was in turmoil.
How can I feel this way with my sermon on Sunday? Has my soul learned so little even after such a vigorous application of God’s Word? What chores can be done or have already been done? The girls are dressed, breakfast is over with, and the baby’s diaper is changed. Now the fields absolutely need to be tended. The farm can’t be neglected any longer
.

He carried the baby and two-year-old Sarah and urged Mary to follow behind with her slow steps.
Susanna will need persuading if she hasn’t already figured out my predicament. What am I to tell her—that the bishop forbids me to take my girls to Ella?
The answer brought a blush to his face behind his beard. This was shame twice over and then some.

He didn’t knock on the door. He was too tired for such formalities. Susanna was his sister, after all. When he was just inside the front door, hoofbeats sounded from the road, and he grabbed the screen door again, opening it so violently his fingers slipped on the wood frame and bent the screen outward.

Did Ella arrive already?
Such hope rushed through him, causing his face to burn with shame again.
The girl does not belong to me, nor would she ever. Ella is promised to the bishop
.

Ivan’s eyes caught sight of the buggy. Although it appeared fuzzy in the fog, he knew it wasn’t Ella’s. Wearily he turned back into the house as disappointment flooded through him.

No, she won’t come because surely the bishop won’t let her
. The screen door slipped from his hand and slammed on his fingers. The pain felt good, like it cleaned his soul for a moment and purged him of this forbidden desire.

“That was an ouchy,” Mary said with wide eyes. “Does it hurt bad?”

“I’m bigger,” he said, smiling through his clenched teeth. “My fingers are thicker than yours.”

“Mamm’s were too,” Mary said. “Do you think they still are, up there in heaven where she is?”

“I think so,” he said, wondering what the young bishop would say of such theology. Thankfully he wasn’t here to venture an opinion.

“So you’re back?” Susanna said, coming out of the bedroom. “Thankfully Daett had a good night.” Seeing the girls, Susanna continued, “I thought you were taking the girls to Ella for the week.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “Something’s come up.”

“Something?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. “I’m afraid you’ll have to explain better than that.”

Ivan gave a quick nod toward the girls.

“Why don’t you go up to the playroom?” Susanna said, bending over to smile at Mary. “You can take Sarah along since you’ve had breakfast.” She gave Ivan a quick glance, and he gave her a grateful look.

“We had eggs,” Mary said, “and bread with the eggs.”

“You go play for awhile,” Susanna said, holding open the door while they scrambled up the steps. Ivan set the baby on the couch that was pushed tight against the living room wall. It formed a protective corner and passed for a crib in the
dawdy haus
. A rocker stood beside it in the only place where there was room, the silhouette framed the front of the window.

“So what have you done now?” Susanna asked. “Surely you didn’t preach one of your sermons to her? Did she chase you out of the house?”

Ivan avoided her eyes. “The young bishop forbids this,” he said in a voice barely above a whisper.

“The
bishop?”

“Yah, I guess he was seein’ her, but I didn’t know.”

“Bishop Miller is seeing Ella?”

“Yah, I guess.”

“What has that got to do with takin’ care of your girls?”

“He doesn’t think its fittin’.”

Susanna’s eyes never left his face. “Did you also ask for her hand in marriage? I can’t believe you’d do something like that.”

“I did not,” Ivan said but knew his face blushed deeply under his beard.

“So the two of you are fightin’ over the same girl. Now I’ve heard everything. You preachers ought to be ashamed of yourselves.”

“I am not,” Ivan said. His voice was higher now, but his gaze remained on the floor.

“I told you last week to get the deal done with the widow Weaver. If you had done that, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Is that why you couldn’t ask her—why you’re going around and around with the matter? You really want to ask Ella for her hand, is that it?”

“I’m an honorable man,” Ivan protested, but he knew his struggle was all over his face.

“I didn’t say you weren’t. You have as much right to her as the bishop does. Whatever you want to do, just get off your high horse and do something about it.”

“It’s not right. You know that.”

“Takin’ a wife isn’t right? Of course it is. You’re needin’ one bad.”

“Ella,” he said, sensing the name almost choking him, “she is not right for me.”

“Now I’ve heard everything,” she said. “What will come of this, I wouldn’t know.”

“Nothin’ will come of it,” he said firmly. “The bishop told me I can’t take my girls to her, and I’ll listen.”

Susanna laughed. “I told him last night you were looking at some other option. So that’s why he was so interested in the matter.”

“You did?” he asked, meeting her eyes.

“Yah, so what?”

“I don’t know,” he said, suddenly glum again.
What good is it? Even Ella—the
gut
woman that she is—can’t persuade the bishop or change his mind. He is known to be firmly set in his ways
. “It’s not right. That’s all I can say.”

“Well, you two will get it figured out, I suppose. In the meantime, us womenfolk have to carry the load. I hope the young bishop doesn’t mind a piece of my mind the next time I see him. He can win his own battles without me carryin’ a share of the load.”

“You best not be speakin’ to him. Ella’s already gone over to try to change his mind. At least she said she would.”

“About this matter?”

“Yah.”

“You told her to speak with the young bishop?”

“I didn’t,” Ivan said, shaking his head.

Susanna put her hands on her hips. “So what will you do if Ella does come for the girls?”

“What is that question supposed to mean?”

“If you don’t know, then why should I tell you? Look, if the girl fights to care for your children—now that’s material for a wife, if I ever saw any.”

“It’s not right,” Ivan repeated and moved toward the door. “The bishop is seein’ her.”

“Why did the Lord wait till the last day of creation to make man?” Susanna said, throwing her hands up in the air. “He should have done so on the first day and given Himself some more time to straighten out the mess.”

Ivan let the screen door slam, making sure his fingers stayed out of the way this time. Outside in the yard he heard a horse’s hoofbeats on the pavement again, this time coming from the north, from the direction of Ella’s house. With an effort he didn’t look around. Once inside the barn, he couldn’t help himself and peered out through the cracks in the barn door. His beard was so close to the boards, the hairs caught in the cracks. He winced from the pain of the plucked hairs and watched to see who had come up the drive.

Outside, the hoofbeats had ceased, and Ivan saw why. The buggy had stopped, and Ella was climbing out. His heart pounded in his chest.
So she did go to speak with the bishop. Did she obtain his permission? Does this mean what Susanna thinks it does?

He remained at the barn door. Duties in the hay field, his chores, horses, and wheat fields all seemed but dim realities beside what was about to unfold before his eyes. Ella had taken upon herself the care of his girls. Clearly it was an action far above the call of simple duty.

Ivan watched from his post. Ella knocked at the front door, and a welcoming Susanna opened it. He couldn’t hear what they said, but the screen door slapped behind them. He watched the spring on the screen door vibrate from the slam and then settle into its normal sag. He stood there motionless for a long moment, in which the world seemed to hang still, and waited for something to happen.

A fly buzzed past his nose and landed on his arm, and still he didn’t move. Behind him came the noise of the cattle in the barnyard. He heard their halfhearted, low moans and the slurps of mud as they walked through the muck, but still he waited. His heart beat hard in his chest.

The door at the
dawdy haus
opened again, and Mary came out first. Her little hands held open the screen door as Sarah followed, barely able to walk because of the bag she carried in her arms. He could see Ella next as she stepped out onto the porch, laughing and reaching for the bag in Sarah’s hands.

Sarah laughed then. Her face puckered up with sheer joy, showing her pleasure in every action. Behind them Susanna’s form appeared, holding the screen while Mary marched down the steps. With the baby in one arm, the bag in the other, and Sarah’s hands holding tightly to a fold of her dress, Ella came across the yard.

Ivan choked on his breath, and a gasp rose from his lips. He stilled the sound with force. This was the bishop’s girl and not his to think of, even if
Da Hah
would have no objections. He tore himself away and then stopped at the sound of Mary’s voice. “Are we going to your house?”

“Yah,” he heard Ella reply, “to my big house.”

“Are you are my mamm now?”

Ivan strained to hear the answer even though he knew only one answer could be given. Ella’s laughter filled the air. “I’m just takin’ care of you, dear, for the days during the week as long as your father wants me to. He’s probably lookin’ for a mamm for you right now.”

“I don’t want another mamm.” Mary’s voice rose higher. “I want you.”

What Ella said, he couldn’t hear. Her voice was too low. She lifted the baby into the buggy first and then attended to the two girls. Carefully she untied the horse, her hands only off the lines for a moment as she climbed in. The buggy moved quickly out to the road and then vanished around the bend. With great horror, Ivan realized his hands were white as they clutched the barn door handle.

Twenty-four

I
van drove the hay cutter. The click of the blade was loud in his ears. His three horses pulled steadily as streams of sweat ran off their bodies. He knew the time had come to give them a rest, but he drove on. He was distracted.
Why didn’t my intentions work? Will God hold me accountable for this breach, this affection for Ella?