Elemental Fear (26 page)

When he didn’t answer I turned my head to look up at him. He had a confused frown on his face. “You know how things are. What do you mean
?” He eventually asked.

“Well...I wasn’t ear wigging but earlier on the phone...” I pointed over my shoulder to indicate his
room.

“Ah
.” He nodded “She’s recently moved –“

“I know...I just wondered how it was going
.” I swallowed.

“How did you...? Erm, great I suppose, she’s settled in really well I think. It’s a nice house. She had enough shit to fill it so it’s a good job it’s a three bedroom
.” He scoffed then picked up another crisp and put it in his mouth crunching loudly.

Feeling like I needed to accept her, I felt I would offer the olive branch of approval “Do you think I
could see it? I mean I’ve heard about it, I just haven’t...seen it. I’d like to see it.” I turned to smile at him, but faltered when his face crumpled in an even deeper frown.

“You want to see her house
?” He asked bemused.

“Well yeah...I thought...you’ve been to my house. That’s what friends do isn’t it?” I asked snapping a little by his reluctance.

“I weren’t aware you were friends with Vanessa.” He shook his head lifting his chin to the side as if studying facts in his head.

“Why are you being like this?” I asked a little perplexed he was purposely excluding me from his personal life, when I was trying hard to be supportive of his relationship.

He rubbed his hand across his eyes then pinched the bridge of his nose. “What the hell are you talking about? I feel like I’ve joined a conversation half way through and missed the bloody intro?”

“Vanessa called you earlier
.”

“Yes
.”

“She’s moved house?”

“Yeah.”

“With you?” I snapped “So I was just being nice and trying to –“

“Whoa, hold on a minute. What are you on about?”

I slapped my hands on my knees and made a grumbling sound in the back of my throat. I lifted myself to sit beside him on the settee. “Johan told me that you were moving house...that he heard you handing a change of address in to PAYEE department, then he said...when he came to take me to work instead of you...that you were moving Vanessa in.” I took a deep breath and looked down at my hands as the adrenaline cursing through my body took hold. “You’ve never mentioned moving...it hurt to find out from him...even
mum and dad haven’t mentioned it. But it hurt even more to find out you were back with Vanessa and you didn’t feel like you could tell me. I thought...we could tell each other stuff like that.” I stopped talking abruptly because if I continued I would have bawled like an idiot.

He sat quiet for a few moments regarding me. “Firstly have I told you I think Johan is a little shit who likes to stir even more shit
.” I turned to argue but he held his hand up “I did hand in a change of address...for an employee not me. I still live with mum, I’ve just been staying at my flat in the city because it needed re-decorating and whilst I waited for new tenants I thought it made sense to sleep on an airbed whilst doing the work, but I am thinking of moving into it, think I’m getting a bit old to be living with my mum. I told you I wanted to talk to you about it, I was going to ask your advice, see what you thought. You knew about that place I’ve shown you it before. And you know I’m not with Vanessa anymore, you were there when we broke up.”

“But why is she...why did you help her move and why did she phone you here?”

He laughed “I helped because she asked and I feel like a bastard for hurting her, and she phoned because...” He groaned sat back with his head on the back of the cushions and closed his eyes “because...I fucked up and gave her mixed signals and now...now she thinks we have chance to work stuff out. She has the number to this place from when I stayed here last year.”

“How...how did you give her mixed signals?” I asked tilting my head to the side and looking at him.

He opened one eye to look at me his cheeks bright pink “How do you think?”

I stared at him blankly until it hit me like a freight train “You...made love to her?” I whispered hating that thought.

“We had sex, yes.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, he ran his hands into his hair and pulled “Don’t look at me like that Eve, I...I know what a shitty move it was...I don’t...I never act like that...it’s just...” He jumped up and started pacing the room “I felt...no I feel so fucking lost and lonely without you, I just wanted someone to want me for a bit.” At my shocked expression he added “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that.”

“I don’t understand
.” I said quietly.

“You never do
.” He lifted his hands and let them fall in frustration. “It’s never enough is it?”

“What isn’t?” I shook my head, my heart hurting with the utter devastation on his face. I really
didn’t understand what he wanted right now. I thought...

“Would it help if I treated you like shit...treated you like a fucking dog and barked shitty commands at you like Elliott does. Be a total dick, is that a turn on? Do you like being his little doormat is that the appeal
? A I too fucking soft?” He let out a loud curse pulling at his hair again, he looked like he was about to vomit. I swallowed but I couldn’t prevent the tears that streamed down my face. The last thing I ever wanted was to fear Dominic but right now my heart beat so fast I thought I would have a heart attack. I curled into the corner of the couch pulling my knees tightly against me and my eyes frantically looked around the floor. I couldn’t look at him anymore. The hurtful words stabbed at me and caused more pain than any physical blow I’d ever been delivered.

“Oh fuck...I’m sorry..
.” He made a quick step towards me but when I flinched and tightened my arms around me he froze “I’m sorry...I didn’t mean that...Eve, look at me.”

I didn’t move I didn’t lift my eyes I simply remained curled in my protective ball. Slowly he came towards me kneeling on the floor in front of me. He hesitantly lifted his hands and placed them on my sock covered ankles.

“I’m sorry. Eve look at me, please.”

I slowly lifted my head, but I couldn’t look into his eyes. My lip trembled and all I could see were glossy tears welling in my eyes.

“I’ve fucked up big style haven’t I? I didn’t mean it”

I didn’t move or answer. The only motion was my trembling lip, tears rolling down my cheeks and the uncontrollable shaking of my body.

“Tell me I didn’t break us...promise I can fix this...promise...” his voice choked with emotion. “I didn’t mean to get mad Eve. I opened my fat mouth to try and get you to react to me, but I couldn’t have said anything worse could I?” He cleared his raspy throat “I hope you will eventually forgive me. I...I don’t have an excuse for such vile words baby, I just...” He paused and took a deep breath “No you’re right there are no excuses for talking to you like that.” He sniffed “I am sorry. I have a feeling I may regret that outburst for the rest of my life.” He softly patted my feet and began to stand, I could see from my line of vision him tapping at his thighs nervously “I know...it doesn’t seem like it now...but all I’ve ever wanted is to see you smile and I would do anything to make sure you were happy, even things I hated.” He cleared his throat again “even stepping aside for my brother, watching you love him and not me.” He sniffed then walked towards his room. “You’ve always been it for me Eve. Everything starts and ends with you in my life. Everything.”

I lifted my head in time to see his bedroom door close; I let out a loud sob and hugged my knees burying my face.

Today had been a ridiculously long day; I couldn’t wait for it to end. It’s 10.15 pm and Dominic still hasn’t returned to the apartment, I gave up about an hour ago waiting for him to eat with me and munched on some left over’s from last night. I felt like I had achieved nothing today, I am so glad that I was well versed with the lab equipment otherwise my utter idiocy when I came to the French language would have been mortifying, I managed to say hello and goodbye but when it came to chatting to anyone I was lost, I never even considered the language barrier when I agreed to this trip, I was more ecstatic at the prospect of spending time with Dominic.

I couldn’t believe how disastrously it had turned out, I didn’t mean to provoke an argument, but what Dominic said frightened me. Not that I believed he would ever hurt me, what hurt was the assumption that I enjoyed being violated. I had always trusted Dominic; I never feared him, never felt threatened by him. If someone sneaked up on me it took me a few moments to calm myself and realise it wasn’t Elliott. I still found being alone with strangers daunting, but people I knew and trusted, like Dominic and Johan I found it easier to cope with physical contact. What Elliott had done to me over the years has kind of numbed me, I expect it from him now, I don’t like it and dread it but I cannot change it. What has the ability to break me, and tear me down is Dominic, and knowing that I have hurt him. I was awake most of the night trying to understand what went wrong. And him saying ‘It’s never enough is it?’ and ‘You’ve always been it for me Eve’, those words haunted me, because all these years I had been blinded by my own love for him and disgust for myself. I had never dared dream that he could reciprocate
my feelings, I had shielded myself away from ever hoping that one day he would love me back. But I thought about it all night, the smiles and gentle touches, his observant nature of knowing me so perfectly well and what I needed at that moment. He has always been that way even when I did belong to his brother. It broke my heart to think I had been hurting him all these years by being with Elliott, but I never chose that life I survived it. Elliott had claimed me, like a prize in a raffle and I was bound to him through fear and revulsion. I couldn’t allow Elliott to hurt my sister, I couldn’t allow him to hurt Dominic, and by keeping his secrets I was hurting Dominic the most.

It had been complete technological silence from Dominic, his phone still dead, no emails, calls, no nothing. He had distanced himself and if I knew him like I hoped I did, he would be avoiding me out of his own shame. I had been rejected by Dominic before but this rejection knowing I caused it and in doing so had caused him undue pain, maybe if I explained everything and made him understand that he would be less hurt, he would understand things better. I’ve never known him
to act this way before, it’s like he’s giving up hope on me and resents having to be my constant emotional crutch. The last few times we have had a conflict he’s shut me out, he’s secluded himself and left me out in the cold.

I nervously waited for Dominic’s return; I paced up and down the lounge, staring at the beautiful
view, the twinkling lights of the city below, people passing by carrying on their daily habits oblivious to one another’s struggles and problems. I stood for a while on the balcony listening to the gentle melodic sounds of the romantic city. If I leaned over the balcony I could just see the lights of the Eifel Tower.

I watched the clock tick slowly by “where is he?” I muttered.
I hope he doesn’t bring someone back with him to prove a point, or worse spend the night with someone and not return at all, I scolded myself for thinking so negatively about him. I confess his admission about sleeping with Vanessa was a little deflating but he is single and perfectly in his right to do that. I guess part of me wishes I had that intimacy with him.

My feet started to hurt from pacing, so I turned the television on to see if there were any movies
I’d like. I looked through the schedule but couldn’t see anything I remotely recognised, I couldn’t speak French and I definitely couldn’t read it so I basically stared at words totally alien to me, I smiled when I spotted Les Simpsons. I had a feeling I knew what that was about. I could do with getting completely lost in a romance but this would suffice until he returned to me.

I’d text
mum and Lou earlier to see how things at home were, both said to have a good time and that Yorkshire still existed without me there.

I heard nothing from Elliott; I didn’t see the need to encourage communication so I refrained from texting him.

I tucked my feet under my bottom on the settee and curled into a ball resting my head on a soft cushion, I grabbed Dominic’s sweatshirt from the back of the armchair. It had his scent, fresh and clean. I held the sleeve under my nose, although it was just an item of clothing the soothing feeling I felt wrapped in it was almost as good as having his arms around me. Almost.

When I awoke the room was dark, the television had been switched off and I was still wrapped in
Dominic’s sweatshirt, with a blanket thrown over my legs. An empty bottle of beer sat on the coffee table; Dominic had been sitting with me unbeknown to me and left it there. I sat up rubbing my eyes and stretching my arms and legs out. I slowly got to my feet and headed to my room, before I did though, I had an overwhelming need to see Dominic.

I stood in front of his door staring at the polished wood; I knocked lightly at first, then a little louder.  The door opened slowly and standing inside was an Adonis, a delicious masculine Godly creation. Dominic stood chest bare, tight fitting jockey shorts, and believe me they left nothing to the imagination.  His hair was sexily mussed, although him currently running his hand through it whilst scratching his chest and yawning was delicious in its own right. Squinting through one eye as his eyes focused to the dim light, he had once told me without his glasses on in a morning he was as blind as bat.

“Eve it’s 2 am, is something wrong? I have a long day tomo...I mean today,” he said in a gruff voice, shaking his head as he simultaneously rubbed his forehead, then wiped at his eyes with his fingers, then down his nose and across his now stubbly chin. I couldn’t help but stand and stare at him, amazed that even rough from sleep he was perfect. My heart continued to pound, I could actually feel the pulse at my neck throbbing, I wonder if Dominic can see it?

“Eve
?” He shook his head at me impatiently.

I swallowed hard, I knew my voice would come out sounding weak and pathetic but what I wanted strangely enough right now was for it to sound seductive and alluring “The last time we spoke...” I cleared my throat, I sounded squeaky “you told me...well you said...” again I sounded like a cartoon mouse.

“Eve, please can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m hardly....” He looked down realising he was practically naked and I swear I saw him blush. I wanted to smile but I knew that would make him feel even worse, but strangely knowing he was uncomfortable gave me courage and fired my determination.

“I wanted to see you were home...I...I missed you. Don’t avoid me anymore, I hated upsetting you last night –“

“Eve for God sake,” he said grabbing my shoulders and gently shaking me. “What the hell are you talking about? It wasn’t you upsetting me, I was a total prick who you should have kicked in the knackers not be standing here apologising.”

“I hate that we argued, I know I’m pathetic and I...Elliott is...like he is because of me but –“

“Oh God, stop, just stop I don’t need reminding what I said. It’s kind of been haunting me since it came out of my mouth. But please I can’t handle this now. I really can’t...”

“I woke up thinking about you and couldn’t get back to sleep. I wake up thinking about you all the time actually. I turn to you to help me through the bad, yes, and you are there to comfort me when I have my panic attacks and yes it might seem like nothing to you but the best feeling in the world is being held by you Dominic. I’ve wanted you so many times and for so long I don’t know a time when it hasn’t been you. It’s always been you, Dominic. When you said last night that I was it for you, well you need to know you’ve always been everything to me. You’re honestly the only man I could ever imagine...intimacy with. Elliott is...he’s my...”

“Stop! Stop.” He snapped “I can’t listen to anymore of this...we can’t do this at this time of night, we have a busy day tomorrow and...we need to discuss...it can’t be done now. I won’t do it now, please leave,” he said holding the door.

“What?” I said through the humongous lump in my throat.

“I want you to leave,” he said sternly, which ordinarily would have shattered me, but he refused to look at me, he guarded his eyes away from me so I couldn’t see.

“Look at me Dominic” I said in a whisper “please
.”

“Eve, I’m begging that you leave. I can’t...”

“Just look at me first, then I will go.” I said resolutely.

Dominic put his head against the open door, his eyes were screwed tightly shut and he let out a long sigh. “I can’t
,” he said and I saw him swallow hard.

I stepped forward “why?” so close I could smell his clean skin, and the warmth radiating from

him.

“Just go
,” he said shifting his feet, turning his body away from me. I gasped when I realised why he was turning away from me, his shorts really didn’t hide a thing.

“No” I said firmly. I stepped even closer and I could see his muscles tightening and straining beneath his taught, silky skin. I lifted my hand and reached out with my fingertips, ever so softly brushing them down his ribs. I heard him suck in a loud breath and hold it. I stepped closer and placed my palm against his ribs, flexing my fingers against his muscles. He was still holding his breath. A violent shiver ran down his body and goose pimples speckled his marvelous skin.

My eyes followed the contours of his arm gripping the door. His biceps and forearms were rippled from the tension in his muscles. I wanted to touch him; I wanted to feel his skin under my fingertips and lips. Before the nerves settled in and panic forced me abandon my ridiculous plan I leaned forward lifting onto my tip toes and softly traced his elbow with my lips, peppering kisses along the line of his extensor muscle to his wrist, his hands shook and I loved I had the ability to effect him this way, his grasp on the door if possible tightened. Just as I reached the back of his wrist I heard him exhale loudly and shakily. He removed his hand from the door and gripped firmly, almost painfully at my wrist. Pushing me out of the open door way.

“
You have to leave now Eve,” he said in a deep husky voice. “I won’t...I can’t be the man you turn to when it gets rough for you...” He held his hand to his heart “it fucking kills me in here touching you, and having you walk away each time. I need you to go...please.” He begged.

I looked at him, his jaw was set, the muscle working overtime twitching, his pupils were dilated making his eyes appear almost black, and his face looked contorted with an unspoken emotion. Then the realisation hit, he really wasn’t mine anymore. I’d really lost him, his reaction wasn’t that I had turned him on; I’d done the exact opposite and angered him. I stumbled backwards away from him, no longer needing his push. I pulled my arm away from him and ran from the room.

As I reached my own room, tears flooded my eyes; there was no holding back anymore. I felt crushed; my chest constricted so much I could hardly breathe from the sobs tearing from my throat. I slumped down against the door, curling myself into the smallest ball I could rocking to and fro, hoping the pain would go away. You’re an idiot, idiot
idiot
!

A soft knock sounded at the door

“Eve.” I heard another knock and Dominic’s voice muffled at the other side of the door “Eve please. I’m sorry.”

I heard a scraping noise travelling up and down the door; I assumed his hand brushing at the
wood.

“Come on, listen I...I shouldn’t have said it like that. I’m beginning to sound like a broken record; I didn’t mean that I didn’t want you. I need you to choose me. Please Eve; you know it kills me when you’re upset. I’m sorry
.” I heard the scrapping noise again and his voice lower at the door, he’d obviously sat against the door.

“Listen, I admit I’ve been avoiding you but...but not because of you...well it is, but not because
you’ve done anything wrong.” I hear another thud. “Please Eve, talk to me.”

My body shook with silent sobs as I rocked back and forth hugging my knees.  I wanted nothing more than to feel Dominic’s arms around me, to feel his strong arms holding me safely. “I can’t...anymore
.” I sobbed.

“What do you mean
.” He asked.

“I can’t fight with you anymore Dominic...it’s...I don’t have much left...and I can’t lose us. I lo...I need you
.” my voice was utterly broken with choked sobs, so I’m not sure what he heard.

“I promise no more arguing, you were right I am an arsehole, dickhead and a fucking prick
.”

“I never called you those things
.” I argued wiping the back of my hand across my face.

“Yeah but I am. Please open the door, baby. Right now I really, really need to hold you if you don’t
want me to touch you I won’t, I swear. But I’m begging you to open this door, just so I can see you.”