Elegy on Kinderklavier (2 page)

“Why did you let me stay?” he will ask later, toward the end of actual boot camp, and the instructors will explain (allowing their voices to dilate a little with respect) how he'd looked, sitting there seizing, his hands the only part of him held perfectly still, four inches above the table. Though Wild Turkey will suspect the truthfulness of this, seeing as how he woke up in the wetness of the ditch outside the armory building, his white shirt stained with blood from the tips of the chain-link fence he hopped (he guesses) to escape, the faces of the instructors pale moons in their huddle above him. Eventually he will get medicine for his fits, but the medicine will make him spacey, drowsy—the medicine itself, in effect, simulating the aftereffects of the fits—and so Wild Turkey will be unable to parse his waking. It will never be clear to him whether he is waking from a lacunal fit, the medicine, or a memory, as if all three are essentially the same thing.

•

Wild Turkey wakes up, but Jeannie has already left the bed. Wild Turkey can see her, if he hangs off the side of the mattress, down the narrow hallway: the bathroom door ajar, the bathroom light golden and warm in the cool, cesious fall morning. They're at his place, the duplex right on top of the train tracks, across the street from the college. Jeannie is doing her hair, naked, still overheated from the shower. She stands in front of the mirror quietly, getting ready for class or work, he can't remember which she has today. He's been home from his deployment for two weeks now and he still can't get a
hold of time. In the afternoons he gets in the shower, wastes no minutes, gets out to find it's two hours later.

Last night Wild Turkey took Jeannie out to the old school buildings, overgrown as they are, stilled between their days as the school he and Jeannie went to together and its current incarnation as some daycare's repurposed space. This was something they did in high school too, back when Jeannie still had her green Mustang convertible; late October nights they'd drive out there with sleeping bags and put the top down and park in the middle of the erstwhile baseball field, already half-reclaimed by brush, and look at the stars. The buildings were abandoned even back then, or between abandonments; Wild Turkey and Jeannie having decamped for the public high school, the original private school having finally amassed enough nonscholarship families to fund a new building (itself a repurposed old country club) inside city limits.

Later still last night, after they'd gotten too cold and come back to his duplex, Wild Turkey had lain down naked with Jeannie on his mattress, which was on the floor, and curled his body around her in-turning fetal position and called out, “Jeannie in a bottle!” which was one of their old jokes, and she'd laughed, sounding half-annoyed at her own easy nostalgic amusement, but then Wild Turkey had repeated it and repeated it, “Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle!” over and over, with just enough slight vocal modulation and wavering emphasis as to keep it from seeming like a glitch, repeating and repeating, which he did helplessly, “Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie
in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle! Jeannie in a bottle!” on and on until the sound became extenuated, then lost all tone, then resolved briefly into song before crumbling into over-articulation, each alien phoneme distinct and meaningless. Eventually he'd stopped. Jeannie lay there very quiet, very still, stiffened as she had been from somewhere around the twentieth or twenty-fifth repetition. Then, in the silence after Wild Turkey's voice had ceased, when it was clear he had really stopped, when he finally released her, she very carefully unfolded herself up from the bed and walked silently to the bathroom. Though Wild Turkey knows at some point she must've returned to bed (did she? or did she sleep on the couch?), her presence now in the bathroom seems contiguous to her presence there last night, which makes it hard for Wild Turkey to tell how much time has passed, if any has passed at all.

She finishes doing her hair and makeup and gets dressed in silence. She does not avoid looking at Wild Turkey; she holds his eyes as she pulls on her jeans one leg at a time before turning and letting herself out, her expression level, empty of anger, empty of assessment. When she gets back, if she comes back to the duplex instead of her own apartment, Wild Turkey will be there or he won't, she's already used to that.

•

Wild Turkey wakes up, the voices of the other men in the unit insistent. They're all in the dining area of the forward operating base, talking to the doctors from the casualty attachment, which
is something the other guys on the team get a kick out of, Wild Turkey's never known why. It's Pizza Hut night, which is why the team is all out here in the base's main area, the only real chance for the team and the doctors both to see each other, before the former, their day just beginning now that it's nightfall, slouch back into the restricted access staging area and ready themselves for their next operation.

Someone is telling the story of how Wild Turkey got his name. Wild Turkey can't see who is speaking, but it doesn't really matter as the story is now collective, accessed by anyone on the team, each small contortion of detail sponsored by the men's own willingness.

It was back in Carolina, before the team was strictly assembled, when they were all still loosely gathered at the base waiting to be repurposed. It was the day before Thanksgiving and the commander in charge of the base had a vaguely sadistic obsession with getting the men prepared for the Suck, high concern over the lack of regulatory discipline etcetera, and so had ordered for the men no Thanksgiving meal, and had replaced that order with several shipments of turkey and mashed potato and cranberry sauce MREs, which were dried out, reconstituted, ready-to-eat, etcetera etcetera, and so Wild Turkey (though he wasn't called that yet) had gone prowling during one of the exercises in the golden leaves of the fall woods, and gotten God's Grace to go with him.

God's Grace was Bob Grace, a gentle-faced, soft-spoken man from Tennessee, eventually included on the team mostly for his perfect marksmanship. He was religious, though very passive about it, and ended up being God's Grace because he often said “God's grace” in a kind of summarizing way when he saw something that made him feel like speaking. Later, Wild Turkey would see God's Grace get shot through the neck while their vehicle was stalled in traffic at an intersection in Tikrit. This day, though, God's Grace
stood calmly at the tree line as Wild Turkey crawled forward slowly over the rural highway, which they weren't supposed to cross.

“So Wild Turkey's out there, doing this dumbass crab-crawl across the highway because just on the other side what has he seen but three fat old birds, turkeys, wild turkeys, rooting around there in the ditch on the other side of the road and this is a no-discharge drill and Wild Turkey's got long underwear on beneath his gear and hasn't brought his knife, so he's going to do god knows what—wring their necks, or whatever, but only if he can get close enough to grab one of them. Anyway, good old Wild Turkey hears a sound and must be real hungry or maybe just a pussy because he spooks and takes off sprinting at the birds, who of course just completely lose their fucking shit. We're watching this all on the helmet cam back at the comms camp, laughing our fucking asses off.”

“So what happens?” one of the doctors, a bald little man with glasses, asks.

“They fucking scatter, is what happens, because Wild Turkey's a fucking idiot. You can't chase down a turkey. And so we're all on the line in his earpiece giving him all this shit about it and what happens just at that exact moment but a semi comes tearing around the corner of this bumfuck nowhere little road and almost kills Wild Turkey, who dives out of the way, only to find, when he gets up, that the fucking semi has taken three of the birds' heads clean off.”

There'd been blood all over the highway. Wild Turkey had lain there in the ditch, shaking. In the concussive silence after the semi's blasting passage, Wild Turkey heard God's Grace shift in the leaves behind him. He'd retrieved the headless birds, was holding them out to Wild Turkey.

“God's grace,” God's Grace had said.

Mostly they call Wild Turkey “Wild Turkey,” the full name. Sometimes one or two of the black guys call him Jive Ass Turkey,
with an unknown level of aggressive irony. Once, after the courtyard in Ramadi, Wild Turkey heard one of the newer guys ask someone in the bunks about him, heard whoever it was readjust their head on the stiff cot before answering, “That's Wild, man, that's just Wild,” in that ambiguous way that seemed to mean both the adjective and the proper noun. Ever since Bob Grace got killed, when they mention Bob at all they just smile and call him Gracie, like he was one of their lovers from back in the world that accidentally found himself there with them in the desert.

Wild Turkey has always been mesmerized by their language, the team's utilitarian military patois always morphing what they said just enough to approximate some slightly more surreal world, a language somehow better suited to the world they are actually confronted with. Often the unthinking word or slight lingual shift ends up being eerily or confusingly apt, in the way that Wild Turkey's friend the TOW missile gunner whom they call Tow Head really does resemble a “towheaded boy” (the phrase surfacing in Wild Turkey's mind from some old novel read in a high school English class), or in the way that Wild Turkey will end up buying fifths of Wild Turkey to take the edge off his highs back at home. The Shit, meaning the desert, the war, Iraq, becomes the Suck becomes the Fuck becomes the Fug becomes the Fugue, finally meaning just everything.

•

Wild Turkey wakes up. He's sitting in the rear corner of his brother's large backyard patio, the snow having fallen so gently and quietly while he slept that he is now covered with its soft, undisturbed angles. Wild Turkey wakes to the sound of his brother carefully closing the patio door behind him so as not to wake Wild Turkey's sister-in-law;
wakes to the click of the motion-sensor light, which his brother has forgotten to turn off, tripping on. His brother approaches the wrought-iron patio table that Wild Turkey sits at, and sets down the familiar foil-wrapped plate. It is very late, and very cold, but the snow has quieted everything.

Wild Turkey's brother is an associate minister or junior minister, Wild Turkey can't remember the exact title, at one of the local churches. Few people in the town know they're brothers. They only grew up together until the age of thirteen, when their mother died and they went to the group home and Wild Turkey couldn't bear to go along to the better group home, the one that required adoption by the church or some family in the church. There'd been something so disgusting to Wild Turkey about the idea that they (the potentially adopted boys) should see their adoption and transport as “God's grace,” which is what the man who came to talk to the two brothers said they should think of it as. He just couldn't bring himself to do it and so his brother got out of the state home and he didn't. They got along, though, after that, understood each other in some basic way; the brutality of that state group home (at least for those two months when they'd been fresh meat) a kind of dark night of the soul for both of them, forcing each to make his own manner of unfeeling calculation as to down which road salvation, etcetera, he guesses.

Now Wild Turkey's brother sits down heavily in the snowy chair across from Wild Turkey. He sighs, rests the side of his face in his hand. He's tired, equanimously perplexed by Wild Turkey, by his continued presence here these occasional nights.

The first time Wild Turkey came to his brother's house it was for the same reason as this time: he needed to eat. This is one thing Wild Turkey knows his brother's wife hates about him: she sees him as needlessly homeless, and as what she calls in her unselfconsciously
cute little way a “drughead.” Both of these assessments are more or less fair, insofar as Wild Turkey does technically have a home back at the duplex (he was officially evicted when he stopped paying rent, but then the building was foreclosed upon and Wild Turkey has just kept living there, the color of the notices on his front door changing every few weeks, but nobody really bothering him about it) and yet he sleeps under bridges sometimes, or on the street, or in the fields, or spends all night walking around high or low on the pills he ingests. Paradoxically, Wild Turkey's sister-in-law doesn't count the duplex as a home, mostly, Wild Turkey guesses, due to the fact that three of the walls now have huge gaping holes, covered only by minimally effective plastic tarp, from where the landlord removed the windows to sell before the bank could take them. Though, in his own defense, it's also true that Wild Turkey doesn't have any money: he gave almost all of it to Jeannie, minus some he gave to Merry Darwani for her broken jaw and some he gave to Tow Head for his new gun. Wild Turkey doesn't want the money. He brought back from Iraq enough pills to stay in Dexedrine for as long as he wants, and so doesn't really need any money. Sometimes he eats with Jeannie. Sometimes he eats at the shelter. Sometimes he doesn't eat.