Edge of the Heat 3 (13 page)

“She left me,” he said quietly, startling himself. He took a deep breath and pushed forward. “But that wasn’t the worst of it.”

Now that he had started, the words tumbled out like he couldn’t tell it fast enough. He told about knowing Gianna all through high school but not really liking her or getting to know her then. When he came home from the Army they met one night at a mutual friends house and started dating. He liked her a lot. They dated for almost a year and there were occasional talks about marriage but they both felt they were too young for marriage. They were both in school, Hawk trying to finish his degree so he could become an FBI agent, and Gianna was studying History. She didn’t have any specific goal in mind. She had a trust fund that she had gained access to the year before so she was just taking it easy. They were close. And then her birth control had failed and as luck would have it, she had gotten pregnant. When she told Hawk that she had missed her period, he was scared. But when she took the test and confirmed that yes, she had a baby growing inside her - his baby, he had become jubilant. A baby. He was going to be a father. Every day he became more and more excited. His mother’s sister had young grandkids that she had brought by the house a few times and he loved playing with them. One of his buddies from high school had just had a baby too, and whenever he held that beautiful baby girl with the head full of jet black hair and her dark, watchful eyes he felt peaceful, different. Like she was fresh from Heaven and had brought a bit of magic with her.

Gianna had seemed excited too, at first. They had told all their friends and their parents. Hawk had bought the most expensive cigars he could find and popped one into his dad’s mouth, saying, “Have a cigar, grandpa.” They had started to talk and plan. Should they get married before the baby was born? Should they buy a house? Maybe they should wait until he got into the FBI so he knew where he was going to be stationed. Mostly they just lived. Hawk took Gianna to all of her doctor’s appointments, missing school to do so. But when he first heard the baby's heartbeat he knew he or she was the most important thing in the world. He would never miss any of his or her events.

When Gianna hit 20 weeks, and was starting to get a belly, they had gone for her first ultrasound. They discovered they were having a boy. A boy! All Hawk could think of was names. He found himself considering every boy name he heard, weighing it with his last name, deciding if it was good enough for his son. Over the next week, Gianna seemed different. Distant. She never wanted to talk about their future or about names anymore. They hadn’t come to any true decisions yet and hadn’t even bought anything for the baby. Hawk didn’t want to push her, but he did mention they were halfway there and should figure some stuff out.

And then Gianna had disappeared. Hawk went to her house and she wasn’t there. He went to her parent’s house and they wouldn’t talk to him. The butler told him that Miss Gianna had taken a vacation. His face and voice while he was saying it scared Hawk badly. He called her cell phone for days, but eventually it was turned off. He called her parents for days too. Finally, he caught Gianna’s mother. “Please, Ariella, just tell me where she is.” He felt like he was in a movie, or a soap opera. How in the world could she just take off and leave with his baby and not say anything? Gianna’s mother hung up the phone on him.

Finally, he got a letter from her. She didn’t want to see him ever again. She had moved and didn’t want to hear from him. She had lost the baby and she didn’t know how to tell him. She was sorry.

Hawk had read the letter countless times. She had lost the baby? Their baby? Did that mean the baby was dead? That she had had a miscarriage? At 22 weeks pregnant? He was on complete autopilot for a few days. The letter had come from Virginia, all the way on the other side of the country. He seriously considered flying out there to find her. But he knew if he did he wouldn’t graduate on time. He weighed this very carefully. He wrote back and said please Gianna, please call me. She didn’t.

He kept going to school, and did the best he could under the circumstances. Which wasn’t very well. Finally, he hired a private detective and gave him the P.O. Box from the letter. The private detective had found her in three days. The first thing he reported was that no, she wasn’t pregnant. Hawk knew the next thing he was going to ask for was a violation of Gianna’s privacy, but he didn’t care. He asked the private detective if there was any way he could find out what made Gianna lose the baby. The private detective thought for a moment and said probably, but it will cost you another $2500. Hawk said the check is in the mail.

Here, Hawk stopped talking and looked at Vivian. This was the hard part to share. This was the part that he could barely share with himself. He thought back to that day when the detective called him the final time. He’d been pretending to study. But really what he was doing was waiting for his phone to ring. He’d been waiting for a week. He was sitting in a chair with his books open in front of him, and his phone face up on the desk within reach. He’d read the same sentence over and over again but couldn’t work out what it meant.

Vivian stood up, startling Hawk back to reality. He must have been sitting there, not speaking for a while. She walked around the couch to him, entwined her fingers with his, and pulled him into a standing position. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight.

“You don’t have to say the rest. I can guess what happened,” she told him.

Hawk stayed silent for a beat and tried to let that sink in. Could she really guess what happened? Could she really see the horrible reality?

“I do have to say what happened. Or I should try anyway. I want to.”

“Ok.” She stepped back one step and looked into his eyes, but didn’t drop his hand. She waited patiently.

“She had an abortion.”

Vivian pressed her lips together, but didn’t seem surprised. “What a dreadful betrayal.”

Hawk couldn’t breathe suddenly. A betrayal. That’s part of what it had been for sure. The feeling of not being able to breathe was very similar to the feeling he’d had when he’d finally gotten the news from the private detective. He’d lost it, yelling and screaming in the phone.
She’d had an abortion at 22 or 23 weeks? Who did that? That was almost 5 months pregnant for God’s sake
.
That hadn’t been a blob, a fish-like thing, or a bundle of cells, that had been his son in there! And she’d killed it? And some doctor had let her do it? If she didn’t want the baby, she could have had it and given it to him! She didn’t have to kill it.

Hawk had hung up the phone, knowing the private dick didn’t have any more answers for him. He’d lain on the floor in his room for days, trying not to think. He probably slept a little. He drank some water. He didn’t eat. Some part of him had known though. Some part of him had known as soon as he got the letter that she’d had an abortion. He couldn’t fathom why. And now he didn’t want to know. He didn’t ever want to see Gianna again. He was scared of what he would do if he did. He finally managed to pull himself off the floor and formulated a plan. He went to his teachers and told them all he’d had a death in the family and needed to leave school early. He certainly looked the part, and since they were only a month out from the end of the year and Hawk had been an excellent student, they all agreed to let him test out early. He took his tests, then packed up and left home and never went back.

Hawk let out his breath through pursed lips and looked down at Vivian. A single tear slid down her right cheek. He touched it with his thumb.

She grasped his hand to her cheek and spoke. “That must have torn you apart.”

He dropped his head and looked at the ground, pushing his other hand into his eyes, holding himself together. He didn’t feel any different or better.

Vivian put her hands in his hair and pulled him close to her. “Hawk?” Her voice was tender, sweet, and full of concern.

He didn’t reply. His throat was locked up.

“Hawk, I hope you know I would never think any less of you if you cried. If you just got it all out.”

He shook a little, but didn’t cry.

V
ivian had known as soon as she had seen Hawk pacing in the driveway that he had some deep personal issues to work through. The knowledge made what seemed like his rejection of her hurt a little less. But when he came in and opened up, laid it out for her? That erased every time he’d ever been distant, cold, and brusque with her. Every time he’d left her wondering or pained. Now, with his head in her hands, her mind opened with understanding and her heart broke with his anguish.

Vivian ran her fingers through Hawk’s short dark hair, thrilling at the way his military haircut felt under her fingers. She tried to give him comfort with her touches, hoping he could receive it. No wonder he was so closed up, closed off. She could tell that a part of him had walled off that experience and never examined it again. And there it sat in his mind and body, subtly affecting his every word, his every experience. Grieving is always hard, but it’s the hardest when you don’t do it. She didn’t think Hawk had.

He was an incredibly sensitive man, she thought. Most people probably had no idea how sensitive though, because when you looked at him, all you saw was strength, and brawn. Plus, he must have developed vast coping mechanisms over his lifetime, so much so that he probably didn’t even know how sensitive he was. Sensitive men had to wall off that part of themselves in this day and age. But she could see it in his eyes, and in his heart, hear it in his voice and in his pain. Her mind, body and soul opened up to him while he was not-crying her arms. She knew at once that she loved him, and she didn’t care how it all turned out. All that mattered was that she had this opportunity to try to make things better for him, right now, just a little bit. No matter how things turned out in the end, and no matter how he felt or didn’t feel about her, she was determined to be here for him now.

His body stilled under her touches. His shoulders relaxed and his breathing slowed.
Good
, she thought as she pet him like a cat.

Finally he stood straight up, new steel and resolve in his eyes. And something else. A little bit of healing? A piece of himself he had lost? Something. He gave her a soft smile. “About that kiss. I think maybe we did it for the wrong reasons.”

Vivian let that sink in, totally bypassing the flashing, insecure thought that said
he doesn’t want me!
Of course he wanted her. He had kissed her like he wanted her as much as she wanted him. He was just scared, nervous, not wanting to do the wrong thing.

She smiled a coy smile up at him and teased, “oh, what are the
right
reasons to kiss?”

His mouth dropped in a perfect O of surprise and she almost laughed at him. He thought she was just going to say “OK” and retreat to her room to contemplate his wisdom. Well she wasn’t. She had pledged, in her own mind, to be there for him, no matter what he needed. And right now she couldn’t think of anything he needed more than some hot and rough sex with a woman who loved him. Or maybe some slow and sweet sex. She didn’t care how it happened. She liked both ways. And after, when this heat between them was burned off, maybe she could get him to talk a little more. Open up a little more. Heal a little more.

“Can you think of any good reasons to kiss?” she asked him again. “Because I sure do want to kiss you again.” She felt a blush creep up her throat to her hairline. She had never talked like this to a man before; generally she was the quiet, reserved type. But she kept her eyes glued to his and told him with every cell in her body that she wanted him and she would be good for him. Now he just need to make his choice.

He stammered. “Well, I uh, I just don’t think casual sex between friends is a good idea.”

Vivian imagined she could feel the heat coming off his body even from a few feet away, like they were standing right now. She felt the fire between her legs return and burn the rest of her. Suddenly she knew this was happening. There would be no backing out or backing down. Hawk was hers for the night, it was just a matter of time.

“Maybe you should ask me out on a date then.” Vivian couldn’t believe the confident words out of her mouth. It was like the filter between her brain and her mouth was gone, maybe incinerated, from her heat or from Hawk’s, and now she immediately said everything she was thinking.

She reconsidered. “Never mind that. It’s not 1960 anymore. I don’t need a Sadie Hawkins dance to ask a man out. Hawk, would you go out on a date with me? I would really like to get to know you better.”

Understanding finally clicked into Hawk’s eyes. And with it came raw passion. His eyes swept down her body quickly, then back up to her face. Vivian nodded. N
ow he’s getting it.
He licked his lips. “Yes,” he said, his voice deep and quiet.

“There, now we’re dating,” she answered back, her own voice suddenly husky sounding to her ears. She reached out and grasped his hand, threading her fingers through his and pulling him slightly towards her.

“I guess we are.” He moved in swiftly and reclaimed the position he’d fled from in the hall. He lowered his mouth to hers and lingered, half an inch away. She could feel his breath on her face. It smelled slightly of beer. “Thank you for listening to me,” he said, voice still low and deep. He snaked his tongue out and licked the union of her lips.

“
Ahhhhh
,” she sighed, as the ripples of sensation from his intentional contact slipped down her spine. In that instant, Hawk took charge, and Vivian welcomed it. She knew he would steer her right where she wanted so much to be.

Slowly, he closed the half inch gap to her mouth and kissed her like he had all the time in the world, their tongues meeting gently. His hands skimmed her sides and up to her breasts. She drew in a breath as his thumbs slid over both her nipples simultaneously, the raw friction delicious and maddening at the same time. She wanted her shirt off and his skin against her skin. She wanted to be in the bedroom, away from all these windows.